Boundaries Queen Victoria Priya, LCSW

If you’ve been following along through these episodes, you may be both excited and nervous to hear that now, in step 5, it’s time to take action based on everything you’ve worked through up to this point. 
The options you explored in the previous step directly correlate to the actions possible here—so if you completed step 4 thoroughly, you should already have a pretty good idea of what you’re doing now. But that doesn’t necessarily make it easy, so this episode is all about helping you learn the best ways to follow through and take action.
One big tip I’d like to share is that if you need accountability for this step, which will likely be the case if you know that your next steps are difficult or challenging, you can consider telling someone what you plan to do and that you’ll get back to them once it’s done. This external accountability can be a great way to keep yourself motivated to follow through.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #11:
Your primary tasks in step 5 potentially include making sure you’re clear about what you need to do; ensuring your request is specific, clear, and measurable; setting deadlines; and getting accountability for taking action.
If you need to make a request in this step, keep in mind that a request:
needs to end in a question mark.
must be specific, clear, and measurable.
should avoid telling someone what they should think, say, or do.
Even if you’re powerless to change the situation or person (as identified in step 4), there are still ways you can take action. You might release or let go of the situation, for example, or give serious thought to what is truly within your control, or participate in a practice or ritual to help you let go.

Highlights from Episode #11:
Welcome to the eleventh episode of the show! This is the fifth episode in a six-part series about the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier process. [00:31]
Victoria explains the primary tasks of this step of the process. [04:38]
We learn how to get started with step 5, which follows closely from step 4. [07:12]
Victoria talks about how to proceed if you identified the first option (having the power to create the outcome you want) or the second option (needing help to get the outcome you want) in the previous step. [08:58]
The third option from the previous step required making a request of another person. Victoria explores this option in more detail. [10:30]
Victoria returns to the case study of Uncle Joe as she discusses making a request. [13:13]
We hear an example of a very clear request in the Uncle Joe case study. [16:35]
The third best practice for requests involves avoiding telling the other person specific things. [18:43]
Victoria discusses the fourth and final option from step 4 (being powerless). [19:59]
We hear a quick recap of the options in this step. [22:21]
Victoria gives two pro tips for working through this step. [23:16]
Today’s episode covered how to take action to create a boundary based on the previous steps of the process. Remember to tune in next week to learn how to evaluate your results, and subscribe to avoid missing an episode. [25:02]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 1: Getting Started With Boundaries
 

As you work toward achieving the outcome you want for the situation or event you identified in step 1 of the boundaries clarifier process, it’s crucial to figure out where your power lies—and that’s exactly what I’ll guide you through in today’s episode.
As you’ll learn today, there are four main options for where your power lies in this process. Ultimately, there’s very little that’s fully within your circle of control, and misunderstanding this can lead you to try to take control of things you don’t have power over (like other people), resulting in unnecessary conflict and tension. 
Keep in mind as you work through this step and choose the best-fitting option that as you go through this process, you should end up feeling a sense of confidence, empowerment, freedom, and relief. In other words, please don’t choose an option that leaves you feeling bitter, resentful, or like a victim! It’s normal for more than one of the four options to be possible, and in this episode, I’ll guide you through figuring out which one is the best for you and your situation.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #10:
Things in your circle of control include how you manage your health, what you eat, how much sleep and exercise you get, how you care for your possessions, how much time you spend with people or alone, how much money you spend, and how you parent your children.
If you overestimate your circle of control, you might tell another adult what to do, or inform someone that they’re going to do something because it’s your boundary. If you underestimate what you can control, you might not create a boundary that you have the power to create. Both of these misunderstandings of your control are problematic.
There are four options in step 4. Your job in this step is to choose the option that has the highest likelihood of getting you the outcome that you want. Here are the four options:
You have the power to create the outcome you want.
You need help to create an outcome.
You need to make a request.
You are powerless in the situation.
 
Highlights from Episode #10:
Victoria welcomes listeners to the fourth episode in a six-part series about the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier process. [00:31]
We hear a recap and review of the first three steps of the process. [02:01]
Understanding where you have power is crucial to the success of your boundary work. [07:05]
Victoria talks about the problems that come with not understanding the limits of your power and what you have control over. [09:37]
We learn what happens when you don’t see your own power. [12:36]
There are four options in this step. Victoria explains what they are and gives examples. [14:33]
What if more than one of the four options might work for you? [18:46]
Victoria returns to the case study of Uncle Joe, which she has been using through the last several episodes to illustrate the process. [20:01]
We hear about powerlessness, the last of the four options in this step. [25:41]
Victoria gives several pro tips for working through this step. [27:45]
Today we heard about figuring out where you have power in the situation. Victoria briefly mentions what she’ll cover next week, and invites listeners to subscribe to avoid missing an episode. [32:45]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 1: Getting Started With Boundaries
 

In the first step of my boundary-setting process, you identified a specific situation or event you wanted to address. Today’s episode, which covers the third step in the process, is all about clarifying your needs in regard to that situation, and then identifying the outcome you want. 
As you work through this step, let go of being “realistic.” I want you to brainstorm all sorts of outcomes for the second part of this step, no matter how far-fetched or impractical they might seem, and to allow yourself to imagine exactly what you want. If you’ve worked through this step and you’re still struggling to identify outcomes, I’d love for you to brainstorm with a friend, therapist, or someone who really understands how boundaries work.
 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #9:
There are two parts involved in step 3:
identifying the needs that aren’t being met with regard to the situation or event you’re working on.
considering and exploring the outcome you want and your vision for how the issue might be resolved. 
To establish an effective boundary, you need to clarify your own needs that aren’t being met. These could be for things like kindness, respect, acceptance, reliability, trust, reciprocity, self-respect, and so on.
The outcome you want might involve creating an agreement with someone—or choosing not to enter into an agreement with them. You might find that the best outcome for you involves limiting your contact or relationship with someone. Importantly, make sure the outcome you want aligns with the nature of the relationship.

Highlights from Episode #9:
Welcome to this episode, the third in a six-part series about Victoria’s boundary-setting system. [00:31]
Victoria explains that there are two parts to step 3, and talks about the first part in detail. [01:54]
We hear about some of the most common needs around relationships. [06:01]
Victoria offers examples of specific situations and the associated needs that might come along with them. [08:20]
The second part of this step is identifying the outcome you want in the situation you’re working on in this boundary-setting process. [10:30]
Victoria lists three guidelines to help you if you get stuck on figuring out the outcome you want or your vision for resolving the issue. [13:59]
If you create an agreement with someone harsh and critical, there are two important points to keep in mind. [17:34]
Victoria brings Uncle Joe, the fictional case study character she invented for step 7, into this episode to continue her explanation of how to work through that situation. [18:40]
We hear about some example potential outcomes for the Uncle Joe situation. [23:32]
Victoria offers some best practices for working through this step. [29:01]
People-dependent outcomes require other people’s participation. [33:24]
Choosing the easiest outcome to achieve is a best practice for this step, as is avoiding vague outcomes. [35:48]
Victoria closes with two pro tips for this step. [38:12]
We hear a quick recap of what Victoria has talked about today, and learn the topic of next week’s episode. Make sure you subscribe to be notified when the next episode is available! [39:13]
 
Links and Resources:
Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
Beyond Bitchy podcast
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
 

Welcome to the second part of this six-episode exploration of the boundaries-setting process. I’ll assume you’ve already listened to the previous episode about step one; if you haven’t, please go listen to that one and then come back to this episode.
Now that you’ve identified a specific situation or event that you need to set a boundary around in the previous episode, it’s time to get clear about your reality as it relates to that incident or situation. To really understand what’s going on, we’ll examine the experience from three angles. First, there’s what you experienced with your five senses—that is, what you could record with a video camera (plus smell and taste). From there, I’ll walk you through how to examine your thoughts about what you experienced. Finally, we’ll explore your emotions, and how they correlate with the thoughts you identified.
Don’t worry if any of this sounds complicated! I’ll use a specific, clear example throughout the episode to help you understand each facet of this step to empower you to work through it with your own situation.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #8:
There are three parts to step two:
What you experienced with your five senses
What you thought about what you experienced
What emotions you felt 
Understanding the difference between what actually happened and your thoughts about what happened is vital. Thinking that someone did something because they don’t care about you doesn’t make that true, for example.
Your emotions are almost exclusively determined by what you think, not what happened. This may sound counterintuitive at first, but keep an open mind as you get increasingly familiar with this process.

 
Highlights from Episode #8:
Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode, the second in a six-episode series. [00:31] The second step involves getting clear about your reality. Victoria creates a fictional case study to illustrate her points through this episode. [02:07] We hear about the first part of step two: exploring what you experienced with your five senses. [06:36] Examining the facts you experienced with your senses helps you avoid confusing facts with thoughts. [09:22] Victoria moves on to talking about the second part of step two: your thoughts. [10:16] The third part of step two involves your emotions. [12:11] Victoria explains the relationship between your emotions and your thoughts, and offers an example of how thoughts often outpower data when it comes to your emotions. [16:10] We hear some pro tips for working through this step of the boundaries-setting process. [20:13] Victoria briefly recaps the episode. If you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies, her forthcoming book. [21:50]  
Links and Resources:
Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
Beyond Bitchy podcast
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
 

If you tuned in to the previous episode, you already know the basics of my 6-step boundaries clarifying process. To get beyond the basics, I’m going to do a series of six episodes, one for each step of the process—and this is the first of that series. 
Today, I’ll explore the first step of the process, which involves getting very clear about the problem. You’ll hear me say this several times in the episode, but one of the biggest things I want you to take away from listening is that you need to focus on one specific event or incident, not an ongoing pattern.
One final note: as you work through this 6-step process, keep in mind that boundaries work the same way in all adult-to-adult relationships. You might make different decisions based on who the other person involved is, but the process itself is the same regardless of the other person’s relationship to you.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #7:
In this process, you can’t focus on a pattern of behavior or a repeated situation. Step 1, today’s topic, is all about getting clear on the problem and identifying a specific situation instead of a pattern (yes, even if it’s hard to focus on just one incident!).
There are various signs that suggest you may need a boundary without realizing it. These include encountering points of stress, feeling emotional pain, experiencing severe consequences in relationships, or being unable to resolve a disagreement.
Pay attention to what isn’t working for you. It’s easy to focus on what isn’t working for the other person or on what they want, but it’s important to establish what you want and figure out how to honor that.

Highlights from Episode #7:
Welcome to the seventh episode of the Boundaries Queen Podcast! [00:31]
Victoria explains that the six-step process applies to any boundary with anyone, and doesn’t vary depending on who the other person is. [02:16]
This episode will involve various examples of situations where it might not be obvious that you need a boundary. [05:14]
Experiencing stressful situations, having arguments, or painful relationship patterns can indicate that you might need to create limits. [10:06]
We learn some guidelines that can indicate the need for a boundary. [12:22]
Victoria talks about one of the most important factors in working through step 1. [15:01]
Experiencing a severe consequence or not being able to resolve a disagreement can be a sign that you need a boundary. [18:54]
The frequency or perceived quality of sexual intimacy is a frequent area of ongoing disagreement. [22:15]
Disagreements about money can also signal a need for boundaries. [23:54]
Experiencing a broken agreement or commitment indicates that something isn’t working. Victoria gives some advice on what to do if this happens. [25:17]
We hear two pro tips for how to work your way through step 1 successfully. [27:43]
Victoria created a 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook to help you walk through the steps of this process. [31:04]
We hear a quick recap of this episode and a brief introduction to what’s coming in next week’s episode. Finally, if you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [31:26]



Links and Resources:
Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
Beyond Bitchy podcast
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
 

If you’re familiar with my work or you’ve listened to my previous podcast, you might be surprised by the six steps I’m talking about now, because I’ve previously talked about a five-step process. This just proves my point that there’s always more to say about boundaries! I’ve added a new step at the beginning to help you get clear on a specific situation rather than looking at patterns before going on with the next steps.
To make these six steps clear, I’ll use a case study example throughout: an imaginary Uncle Joe stopping by your house unannounced. Come along for the journey as I talk about this scenario and how to work through it across these six steps. Once you understand how the six-step process applies to Uncle Joe, you can use this case study as an example of how to take your own situation through the boundaries clarifier process.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #6:
Instead of focusing on a pattern when you’re working on creating a new boundary, focus on a specific incident (yes, even if this is an ongoing problem that has been driving you crazy for years).
Creating strong, healthy boundaries involves having a clear understanding of the situation and what you need from it. The 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook helps you work your way through creating a boundary that will achieve the results you need—and this episode gives you tips and insight into how to best use this workbook.
Having these six steps in your mind will help you figure out how to face difficult situations. Once they’re fully ingrained into you, you’ll be able to walk through the process on the fly.

Highlights from Episode #6:
Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode and recommends listening to the show in order. [00:31] Today’s episode is all about getting an overview of the six steps involved in identifying, creating, and maintaining boundaries. [02:55] Victoria lists the six steps to orient listeners before exploring each one in more depth. [07:51] We hear about step one in more detail with common examples. [09:05] There are two related pro tips for the first step: focus on one incident at a time, and don’t focus on a pattern. [12:31] The second step involves getting clear about your reality through three factors. [17:11] Victoria gives some tips for working on step two. [20:30] We learn how step two applies to the case study about Uncle Joe. [23:11] The third step is about clarifying your needs, and has two parts. Victoria also offers tips on how to work through this step. [25:58] In step four, you explore where your power lies before you take action. [28:54] Victoria offers pro tips on step four, which can be a tricky part of the process. [30:45] We hear about how step four works in relation to Uncle Joe. [33:35] Victoria shares her pro tips for step five, which is taking action to create a boundary. [36:50] The last step involves evaluating your results and seeing what went wrong if the process wasn’t successful. VIctoria also offers several tips for this step. [38:13] Victoria briefly reviews the six steps for creating boundaries. [41:20] Thank you for listening! If it’s before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [42:12]
Links and Resources:
Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon Victoria Priya Beyond Bitchy podcast Radiant Threefold Path Podcast Episode #20: Taking Care of Overwhelming Emotions 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook