Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

During this episode with Dr. Nan Wise, who is a neuroscientist, sex therapist, and relationship counselor you will learn how to better understand yourself and your partner and how you can each regulate your nervous systems.



In addition, other topics that are addressed include: 


Learning how to radically accept where you are as an individual and a couple.
Understand the core emotional systems: 
seeking system; care system; play system; lust system.
Defensive systems: fear system; rage system; panic/grief/sadness.
Understanding core differences between you and your partner and different ways of handling emotions.
Build bridges between the differences.
Most people argue over “matters of opinion”.
Get the understandable part of your differences and maintain a nonjudgmental attitude.
The negative impact of not learning how to take an effective stance for what you “need and want” in your relationship.
Learn how to ask for what you want and need “like a calm broken record”.
We need to learn how to regulate ourselves and shift out of flight, fight, or freeze mode.
Elongating exhalation-make the exhale longer then the inhale and this will help rebalance our core emotions out of a defense system.
Calming our nervous system to co-regulate with our partner.
Learn how to tune into the body channel.
Everyone feels their embodied emotions. Learn how to pay attention to the core sensations in your body.
Understanding cognitively infused emotions.
The importance of changing patterns to feel safe in our relationships because we’re not understanding each other.
Learn how to move from disconnection to connection by syncing your breath to entrain.
Eye contact, listening to a partners voice or speaking in a calm way can help with co-regulation and promote connection.
The benefit of heart coherence and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and not assuming.
Learning how to do deep/active listening and “take a session”.  The listener says “What I hear you saying is_____.  Is that correct? Is there more?”
We “project” onto each other and may not understand that we are doing that.
There are different kinds of marriages and the most challenging times can be when we have children and when the children leave home.
How can you create a “sustainable” relationship?
Relationships break down because they’re pointing out to us how we need to grow as human beings.
Give yourself and your partner the benefit of the doubt, learn how to reset your nervous system, and take 100% responsibility for what “you” are creating in your relationship.



You can contact Dr. Nan Wise at www.askdoctornan.com

You may also want to buy her awesome book titled: "Why Good Sex Matters-Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier and a More Purpose Filled Life".



(Book/workbook by Brent Atkinson that Dr. Nan Wise mentioned in the podcast is "Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy: Advances from Neurobiology and the Science of Intimate Relationships ".) 




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During this episode, Judy Singer shares about her family story, her marriage, and her thesis that was the "groundbreaking sociology thesis that prefigured the last great liberation movement to emerge from the 20th century". In her book: "Neurodiversity-The Birth of an Idea" Judy states, “The internet is the prosthetic device that binds isolated socially unskilled autistics into a collective social organism capable of having a public voice.” Some of the other topics dicussed are:


Judy's work in disability studies.
Her research at the local library to better understand her mother.
Her relationship and experiences with her neurodivergent mother and her neurodivergent ex-husband.
Judy facilitated one of the first support groups for adult children of autistic parents. She called them "daughters of engineers".
Challenges at job interviews before understanding her neurodivergence.
Not being able to maintain eye contact at work.
Different parts that come out in different circumstances.
Worked in computer programming and hated it!
She systematizes information about people and that is why she is a sociologist.
After 8 years on the waiting list for public housing she got a subsidized apartment and then was able to return to college.
Consider what neurodiversity means to each individual and understand each other’s traits and accommodate each other.

You can contact Judy at: Neurodiversity2.blogspot.com

To learn more about Judy's groundbreaking thesis you can buy her book: NeuroDiversity-The Birth of An Idea.


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To learn more about some of the resources Mona has available you can check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com
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During this episode with Sue Hutton and Jan Wozniak you will learn about the work they are doing in their mindfulness program for Autistic adults. In addition, Sue will share a mindfulness exercise that is used in the program they offer. Other topics discussed include the following:


Mindfulness helps you understand yourself from the inside out.
Applying ancient teachings to current issues.
Adapting Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for Autistic Adults.
Mindfulness practices can help if you are feeling overwhelmed in social or sensory situations, or lost in daily life.
Mindfulness can also help you increase self compassion.
Current therapies may not address the challenges with overstimulation.


Co-regulation and reciprocity of energy.
In neurodiverse relationships there is a diversity of nervous systems, but partners may not understand the differences.
Rigid, ableist protocol may be very difficult for ND individuals.
"Mindfulness based stress reduction" curriculum has been modified to be compatible for ND folks and to be congruent with ND nervous systems.
Curriculum includes compassion and movement practices.
How to be able to cultivate self awareness when you’re alexithymic.
Mindfulness can help you connect with the things that might be difficult to access and accept that some things may be a challenge.
Learn how to show yourself some kindness and self compassion.
Mindfulness can also help with reducing sensory overload.
Learning how to calm down your sympathetic response to feel more confidence, safety and control.
Jan shares some of the complexities of his mixed neurotype relationship.
How moving in together impacted his relationship.
Understanding their different social needs and the importance of self regulation.
Important to have a partner that is open to effective and ongoing communication.
Honoring your needs is very important in a mixed neurotype relationship, as it can help prevent overload or overwhelm.
Relationship as practice (Ram Dass).
Learn about yourself in your relationship through a journey of self discovery, humility, understanding your sensory and social needs, patience, acceptance, and love.
Reflect before you react.
Try new practices together.


The facility that Sue and Jan work with is the Azrieli Adult Neurodevelopmental Centre, Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH)-Toronto, Canada




You can contact Jan at: Jan.wozniak@camh.ca or 
 https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists/jan-a-wozniak-toronto-on/1252465
You can contact Sue Hutton at: https://www.suehuttonmindfulness.com

For more information on expressing your needs check out this short video from the Gottman Institute:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EfcVKBhIjIo




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If you would like to learn more about the resources available through Neurodiverse Love, including
the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards and Workbook, please go to: www.neurodiverselove.com

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During this episode, Mona has a great conversation with
Donna Henderson, Sarah Wayland and Jamell White,
the authors of "Is This Autism-A Guide for Clinicians and Everyone Else" and "Is This Autism-A Companion Guide for Diagnosing". The topics addressed include:


The value of explicit, direct communication.
Making assumptions that may not be true.
Misinterpretation during communication.
Understanding high and low context.
Taking things personally or judging your partner.
Being held accountable for something you didn’t say but may have been inferred.
Be curious when you feel yourself getting triggered.
Be aware of the amount of time you need to transition from work to conversation.
Get engagement first and then start communicating.
May have different fundamental needs around communication. 
Needing voice inflection to understand meaning.
Flat affect or tone of voice may be received incorrectly. 
Needing to process things out loud- vs- alone.
How can you each get your needs met without overpowering or neglecting the other?
Understand if your partner needs more processing time during a conversation.
Understand what leads to flooding or shutdown during conversations.
Understand when you’re hyperverbal you may be flooding your partner.
Asking your partner for what you need at the beginning of a conversation.
Understanding that you and your partner may define words differently.
Accepting that there are differences that may not be changeable.
Not having time awareness can create challenges and your partner may need transition reminders.
When frustrations are festering because you haven’t communicated explicitly what you need.
One person should not have all the burden of change.
What are the top 3 things that are challenges in your relationship?
Learning how to regulate your nervous system before engaging in a conversation with your partner.
There are different ways of connecting and we need to understand each other’s needs.
Sharing activities may be a great way for you to connect with your partner or family member.
What was your partner’s family’s communication style?
Understanding that fear in communication can create challenges.
People are usually doing the best they can with what they have.
Just ask!!!
See things through a curiosity lens.

You can contact Jamell White at:  drjamellwhite@gmail.com

You can contact Donna Henderson at: www.drdonnahenderson.com

You can contact Sarah Wayland at: www.guidingexceptionalparents.com


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If you would like to learn about the support groups and other resources Mona has available you can check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com
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During this episode with AuDHD'er Scott Simpson, we talk about the impact of unknown neurodivergence and how important understanding yourself and your needs can be to help lead you to a path that includes forgiveness and healing. Other topics addressed include:

Past relationships had a similar pattern.
Would freeze when emotions came up.
Trying to do things right long enough so that things would be okay.
Feeling resentment from your partner, but not knowing what to do with it.
Not knowing what your partner needs.
Being confused and not planning ahead.
Working on masking full time, but not knowing what that really meant.
Things you say under pressure. 
Sucking at hard conversations. 
Routines while living together.
Wife was a social worker.
He had a fling.
Seeking porn.
Being willing to do whatever it takes, but not knowing what to do.
Started therapy to address some issues that came up in his relationship.
Didn’t want to marry someone who didn’t believe in him.
Try focusing on the positives, rather than the challenges and differences.
Expectations that there is only one way to do things and we want our partner to do it our way,
Focus on the solvable problems.
When you feel that you can’t talk about issues.
The big proposal at Times Square in NYC.
Time blindness.
Waffling on decisions until pushed
Wife had treatment resistant depression.
Walking on eggshells.
Feeling like you can’t meet your partner’s expectations.
Thinking feelings, rather than feeling them and alexythymia.
Didn’t know if he would be a good dad.
During childbirth they found out his wife had cancer.
In-laws moved in and it changed everything and he wasn’t prepared for the changes.
Wife was planning to divorce him after the baby was born.  She felt he had no empathy and couldn’t be a supportive husband.
Feeling like he was set up for failure.
Wife screamed at him..."There is something wrong with you!”  …and she resented him.
Everything he was doing was seen as an attack or a failure.
The contempt has to stop.
Wife had gone outside of their marriage to get some of her needs met.
Deprived each other of so much love and joy.
We can’t change the past.
Felt like he lost half his brain when his wife died.
Started learning about challenges with executive function and ADHD.
ADHD didn’t answer all the questions and then learned about autism.
Understanding neurodivergence helped burn off some of the trauma and shame.
Son is gifted and might also be Autistic.
“Unknown”neurodivergence throughout the family tree.
Understanding each other’s neurotype within the family.
Accepting your strengths, challenges, and differences and those of your friends and creating a supportive tribe.
Thinking that there is only one way to be.
Resented people who were their authentic selves.
Always learning and growing.
An experiential learner, who doesn’t learn from experience!
Learning how to ask for what you need.
Find the sandbox where you can talk about things safely…it lets so much happen.
"Expecting" consistency may create challenges.
Attribution of intention that is not correct.
Learn how to forgive yourself…and start with your younger self.




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During this episode, Dr. Katie Fields, LMHC, LMFT shares how the work she does through "CounSouling" weaves together her background in both mental health counseling and spiritual practices to help you better understand your ego and your soul, so that you become your most authentic Self.  Other topics addressed include:

The therapeutic model called Internal Family Systems (IFS) uses the premise that we all are multi-dimensional personalities.   We have protective parts, parts that are managers and some that take on our burdens and vulnerabilities and then we have our most authentic “Self”.
Traditional mental health therapy usually focuses on ego. Ego is our “persona suit” that helps us be in control of ourselves.
Being ego focused may actually be when neurodivergent folks “mask or camouflage”.
Ego can create masking behaviors to protect us.
Being comfortable with our authentic voice can help us get more in touch with our Soul/Self.
You may realize how hard you’ve been working to survive your day to day interactions.
Grieving the old you as you transition to become more of your authentic self.
Total wellness is possible!
Letting go of what no longer serves you…including some relationships.
Shifting your energy may involve setting boundaries and respectfully sharing your needs.  This can be healing for you and scary for others who may not be ready to, or want to, heal.
You’re the only person who is going to be with you for the entirety of your life…make yourself a priority!
The Enneagram is a 9 type personality tool that helps you see yourself.  First reflection will show you your ego, however it is a spiritual tool that helps you get back to your true Self.
We want to feel safe and protected.  The ego is very adaptive and wants to protect us.
There are ways to get in touch with what brings us joy!
Taking radical responsibility for the life you want.
Helping you get back on track.
Numerology can be a tool that can help us understand more of our “user manual”. 
Energetic patterns can help you learn lessons.
In numerology you will get four different numbers from your name that can help you understand more about yourself.   
Your integrated self is all the numbers in the layers in your name. When you are becoming integrated this is when your ego and soul are besties.
Soul number is just the vowels in your name.
Personality number is the consonants in your name and is your ego and how you show up.
Your birth date is your “Life path”…the main lessons you are here to learn. 


To learn more about Katie’s work or to get a free sample reading you can check out her website at: http://www.fearlesscounsouling.com







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