Influence Every Day Dr. Ed Tori

Episode 019 - The Whole TING - Are You Actually Listening?
Explore the profound significance of truly listening through the lens of the Chinese word "TING."

TING encapsulates a deep, multi-faceted approach to listening. Each component of TING is broken down to show how it can transform personal and professional relationships.

Introduction to TING:
The Chinese word TING, meaning "to listen," is introduced. Its intricate components, each represented by different pictographs, are explained to offer a rich framework for enhancing listening skills.

Components of TING:

Hear: The top-left pictograph represents hearing, emphasizing the importance of not just hearing words but also tone, pace, and changes in voice.
Think: Below "hear," this pictograph encourages thinking about the speaker's message and context, rather than preparing a response.
Be Present: This element stresses the necessity of being fully present in the moment, experiencing the conversation as it unfolds. 
See: The pictograph resembling eyeglasses highlights the significance of observing non-verbal cues like body language and micro-expressions. 
Focus: This part reminds to stay focused, avoiding distractions and truly engaging with the speaker. 
Feel: The heart-shaped pictograph represents empathy, urging the importance of feeling what the other person is feeling and being aware of one’s own emotions.

Practical Application:
Practical tips are shared on how to apply the principles of TING in everyday conversations, making one a better listener, communicator, and leader.

Influence Book Club:
An introduction to the Influence Book Club, a resource for learning and applying the best lessons from books on influence, communication, and relationships. Visit [InfluenceBookClub.com](https://influencebookclub.com) for more details.

Resources:
Additional resources and interactive worksheets on TING are available at DrTori.com/ting to help deepen understanding and practice of effective listening.

 

Additional Links:

Influence Book Club: InfluenceBookClub.com
Dr. Tori's TING Resources: DrTori.com/ting - multiple resources here for you - worksheets, a 7-day bucket list TING challenge, a video walk-through, and more.

Tune in to become a better listener and leader, and learn how to truly influence for good, every day.

Patience: Passively Wait or Actively Prepare?
The power of being patient has been hiding in another language. You see, patience isn’t just waiting. In this episode, Dr. Tori explores the concept of patience, contrasting its typical interpretation in English as passive endurance with its more active and anticipatory nature in the Arabic word 'Sabr'. Dr. Tori delves into how understanding and redefining patience can shift our worldview and impact our actions. By examining the root meanings of words from different languages, the episode emphasizes that patience involves preparation, taking the right action at the best time, and skill building rather than passive waiting. Dr. Tori encourages listeners to actively engage in self-improvement, seek advice, and prepare for future actions as part of practicing true patience. The discussion concludes with a call to share the insights from the podcast and to continue influencing for good every day.

00:00 Introduction to the Influence Every Day Show00:31 Exploring the Power of Language and Word Origins01:07 Understanding Patience in English and Latin02:00 Discovering the Arabic Concept of Patience: Sabr03:31 The Active Nature of Patience and Anticipation04:06 Practical Applications of Active Patience04:16 Building Skills and Preparing for Action05:34 Patience in Career Building and Personal Growth06:55 The Influence of Language on Worldview07:17 Conclusion and Call to Action07:22 End of Show Notes and Now Go Share

[PS - Guess what?! Dr. Tori has distilled the best books on influence and communication for you. Learn more here: InfluenceBookClub.com]

017 The Upside of Up-Inflection - Lack of Confidence or Deeper Connection?

Host: Dr. Tori

Podcast: Influence Every Day

Theme: Dispelling myths about up-inflection in speech and exploring its nuanced implications in human interaction and influence.

Dispelling Myths


Tori addresses common misconceptions about vocal tones, especially the up-inflection, where the voice rises at the end of sentences as if posing a question.
The discussion emphasizes the complexity and nuance of human interaction, cautioning against oversimplifying gestures or vocal patterns.

Understanding Human Interaction


Human behaviors and expressions are deeply influenced by internal states or responses to external circumstances, such as personal issues or environmental factors.
The conversation highlights the importance of considering context in interactions, recognizing that people's responses may not always be directly related to the current conversation.

The Nuance of Up-Inflection


Contrary to popular belief, up-inflection is not inherently indicative of lack of confidence. While it can sometimes convey uncertainty, it can also be a powerful tool for engagement and listening.
Tori argues that up-inflection, when used strategically, can facilitate deeper conversations and connections.

Practical Application of Up-Inflection


Case Study: A patient interaction demonstrates how up-inflection can be used to guide the conversation, encourage the sharing of more information, and deepen understanding.
This approach allows the speaker to mirror the listener's words, turning them into open-ended questions without making assumptions or judgments.

Benefits of Up-Inflection


Encourages active listening and genuine engagement, allowing for a fuller understanding of the speaker's perspective.
Fosters psychological safety, making it easier for individuals to share their thoughts and feelings.
Can be particularly effective in professional settings, helping to maintain focus on the topic of discussion and facilitating problem-solving and rapport building.

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Conclusion


Up-inflection is a nuanced and multifaceted aspect of communication that, when used effectively, can enhance interpersonal interactions and influence.
Listeners are encouraged to experiment with up-inflection in their conversations, paying attention to the context and the responses it elicits.
Tori reminds the audience of the importance of staying open-minded and adaptive in communication strategies, recognizing the dynamic nature of human relationships.

Call to Action


Share your experiences with up-inflection and other communication strategies, fostering a community of learning and improvement in everyday influence.

Additional Notes


The episode challenges the audience to rethink and explore the subtleties of communication, emphasizing the importance of context, empathy, and strategic use of speech patterns in building stronger connections. 

[Are you ready to skyrocket your influence without overloading your busy schedule? Dr. Tori has distilled the best books on influence and communication for you AND he created a community around it: InfluenceBookClub.com ]

If You Stink At Video... Try Cologne?! (Episode 016)
What if I told you that you could level up your performance in virtual meetings by wearing cologne or perfume?!

This is Dr. Tori. Welcome to another episode of the Influence Every Day podcast. Today I want to talk to you about a study. [Van den Berghe, P. L., & Mace, R. (1987). The influence of fragrance on women's perceptions of men's physical attractiveness and personality. Ethology and Sociobiology, 8(3), 173-186.]

In this study, 200 women were asked to rate men on their attractiveness. The men were rated when they were wearing cologne, and they were rated when they were not wearing cologne. And it turns out that they were rated as more attractive while wearing cologne.

Here's the thing. Those men were on video. The cologne couldn't even be detected by the women.

The men, themselves, were affected by the cologne. Their response to how they felt about themselves made them more attractive.

THE most important rule of influence is to MANAGE YOUR STATE.

Manage your state. So many things that depend on it


your body language,
your tone of voice,
your pace of speech,
how you establish rapport,
if you even establish it with somebody,
your performance at tasks,
your memory,
your learning,
your recall,
the stories available to you, etc

All of these are state-dependent.

There are lots of things that relate to and make up your state. It's not only mood and emotions.

Are you tired? Do you have to use the bathroom? Is there something that is causing some sort of urgency? Like you have to be somewhere, somewhere? Or did you just leave an argument? You're physiologically still revved up from that argument. 

-----------Want to level-up your performance on video meetings or recordings?Check this out: Video Influence & Remote Rapport-----------

1975 WonderBra commercial.
(referred to by my hypnotherapy teacher).

“When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you look great.”

When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you look great. Pay attention to that last part. “When you feel good, you look great.” That essentially sums up this study. 

The men were more attractive when they felt better about themselves, and in this case, cologne was the thing that made them feel better about themselves. It reflected in their body language and how they carried themselves.

What will it take for you to feel good about yourself?

Sometimes it's cologne or perfume. Sometimes it's the type of clothes you wear. Sometimes it's what happened in the hour before the thing, right? Sometimes it's whichever way you manage your state.

Too often, though, we're winging it.

 

Check in with yourself. What is my state now and what will it take for me to be in the optimum state for that thing I'm about to do? And in this case, logging in to a video meeting. If you have to put on perfume, put on cologne, do it. Test it out.

Here's what I've done: I have created a PDF called 101 Ways to Manage Your State and you can download that at DrTori.com/101.

-----------101 Ways To Manage Your State (PDF): https://www.drtori.com/101-----------

You can download this PDF and just look at it. There are 101 ways there, but there are thousands more that exist to manage your state. Pick one and try it and see if that helps in your next interaction.

Before you walk into that meeting, before you log into that meeting, before you walk into your home, before you greet your kids or your significant other, before you go in and ask a hard question or have a difficult conversation, try one of these things and see how you do.

Be deliberate about managing your state, especially for things that are important to you.

Go ahead. Download that PDF 101 Ways to Manage Your State (DrTori.com/101). If that one thing doesn't work for you, then try something else. If you've tried meditation and that doesn't work, try something else. If you tried journaling and that doesn't work, try somethin

Link Up & Level Up: Quick Start Behavior Change with Tethering
There's something you want to change. There's an area in your life you want to grow in. 

For anything that you desire to change - a habit, an action, a behavior, or even a way of thinking or an emotional response to certain triggers - this one simple step can be incredibly high-yield.

But What About Intentions? What About Motivation?
Intentions are not plans. It's really common for us to hear an energizing and motivating talk and think, "OK, this is it. I'm going to change this thing." But what happens? It fizzles out or fades away. (and some of us... Eh hem, cough, cough... me) start to beat ourselves up about it.


We set this intention and while we're motivated, it seems reasonable.
While we're motivated, it seems doable.
While we're motivated, it seems like we're committed and we're going to actually stick this thing out.

But motivation waxes and wanes.

Intentions are vital. Motivation is vital.

In that moment of intention, in that moment of motivation, when you're actually experiencing a visceral “I'm going to do this,” … THAT is the time to set a plan. THAT is the time to set the next best action.

The Next Best Action
Think about something to tether your new desired behavior to.

A tugboat is tethered to a massive ship to then tug it through more dangerous or crowded waters. Right? It's tying something so that they move together, a tether.

It could be another habit.

It could be a repeated behavior.

It could be a recurring experience.

Why Tether?

When you tether two usually disparate things together:
It becomes easier to remember, especially if it's something you encounter or do again and again and again. 
It reduces cognitive load. (Our brains seek out the least cognitive effort, the least amount of energy to process something.) If we have to manage our intentions, manage our motivation and manage our actions plus all the other things that come with a behavior, we're not going to do it. We're going to fall short. So instead, reduce the cognitive load, reduce all the other things that have to be done before you implement such a behavior.
It doesn't rely on motivation as much. (It kinda does early, but eventually, it's closer to automatic)
It creates an element of consistency earlier in the process. If we are consistent early, we're less likely to have that negative self-talk and less likely to demotivate ourselves.

What To Link Up
Some examples:

If you want to start to be a little more mindful... well what do you already do daily that takes a short amount of time, but is also uninterrupted?


Making your bed
Brushing your teeth
Drinking your coffee
Washing your hands

Fine. Choose one and practice being mindful while doing that thing.

You want to start a gratitude practice? You want to start consistently working out? You want to call your mother more frequently? 

Experiment
I've tried multiple methods and multiple times to develop a gratitude practice. 

I tried what the gurus said. I read and implemented some of the things I read on trusted social posts. I looked up the research and tried some of the validated methods. But gratitude wasn't as present throughout my day as I wanted it to be. I had to keep experimenting.

I'll tell you what it was for me. Ultimately, it was two things:


Tether it to something I do early, every day
Make it easy

I tried journaling and it wasn't working for me. It took a lot of activation energy. I had to find the journal, I had to pull it out. I had a turn to the page and then I felt like this is going to last, so I have to write all this stuff. In my head, I was self-editing. It was too much energy for me.

Well, I have a treadmill desk that I use while I work each morning. Tether. When I start walking, I type five things that I'm grateful for. Easy. 

I type five things I'm grateful for and pause on each one for 10 seconds. A total of 50 seconds. Now gratitude has become a habit, eve

(Sometimes) Face The Problem By Not Facing The Person
Dealing with an alpha personality in a vulnerable situation, body language can help a lot. And how you design the setting can make "safer" body language easier.

In this podcast episode we discuss a story of a young woman serving as a new CEO, while the organization retained the founding CEO and scientific lead.

I had been working with her on influence and leadership skills - public speaking, rapport, persuasion, and persuasion. Now she needed help. With a super small tweak, the old CEO's entire response and subsequent behavior changed.

Same difficult conversation. Just a different setup.

The popular "literature" out there (Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, etc) oftentimes says, "Lean in." They say, "Make direct eye contact."

Well, guess what? That doesn't always apply. For sure, most of the time, those things are great advice, but not all the time. And so we always need to have this little caveat where you adjust for context. 

Eye contact may not be the best path forward... Meaning you have to be judicious about it. Haven't you ever seen movies where 2 men are having a vulnerable, open discussion? They're not looking at each other.

They're looking at a game on the sidelines. They're watching a football game on TV and they're and they're having this conversation. They're on a porch or they're by a lake or by a river, fishing, golfing, or they're out playing whatever sport, and they're having this conversation while they're not making eye contact.

Coffee shops are great for this. Why? Because if you pick a seat along the wall, you can both lean back on your chair and sort of put your arm up and not face each other for part of the time and face each other part of the time. And it's a non-threatening stance.

But when your shoulders are square, you're leaning in and your eyes are right in. That can be experienced as threatening, depending on who it is and what the context is.

Make It Safe
In this case, a walking meeting changed everything for her.

If you have a walking meeting, first of all, you're not facing each other by definition. You can also choose the setting. It can be along the water, it can be in a path through a park with trees and birds chirping.

 

The point here is sometimes you face it by not facing. You face the problem by not facing the person.

(1) Context is Everything
It really matters when you apply this. This doesn't apply to all situations. Try this specifically when you have an alpha personality who is being challenged or who is being vulnerable.

(2) Be Natural
Whenever you face the problem by facing away from the person, it MUST be natural.

Appearing distracted or as if you're avoiding eye contact will destroy rapport and that will essentially disrupt the entire thing.

(3) Look To A Better Future
Use the fact that you're looking away as if you're looking out into the future. Get there. Focus on that future state. Now is not the time to focus on all of the stuff leading up to this point, especially if someone is vulnerable. Get them to a better place.

-----------If you do want to learn how to change everything in a single, powerful moment, here's a free (& quick) micro-course: https://www.drtori.com/offers/ukqSTL77 -----------

Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day.

[ If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out T