Babies, Botox + Body Image The Refined Collective Podcast

It’s been a minute since I’ve done a solo show! I’m going to be honest with you guys: one of my fears is that you will only listen to the podcast if I have guests on or that the podcast will only grow if I have guests sharing the episode with their communities. But I’m moving through this insecurity and bringing the fear to light to give it less power. That being said, I am committed to stepping into this vulnerable space and doing more solo shows for you! Randomly during one of my workout classes the phrase “babies, botox, and body image” popped into my head. So that’s what we are going to discuss today! Before we dive in, I want you to know that you have permission to be in the process and on the journey. None of us are perfect!
 
Babies
I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but life has not turned out like I thought it would. This year is the first time I started to feel that biological clock start ticking.  I don’t want fear driving me into a relationship because of pressure to get things going. Even in the midst of disappointment and unmet expectations, I am allowed to hope.  It’s okay to want to have babies and it’s okay to not want to have babies. 1 Samuel 1: Hannah asks God for a son and she ends her life with five children. Mark Batterson, author of The Circle Maker, says to be bold and specific in prayer and then surrender. It’s okay to be honest with God about your desire.  It’s ok to be disappointed with God. He can handle it. He is gracious, kind, and patient. He wants to be in relationship with us.   
Botox
“You’re allowed to be a person in process.”  
People ask me what I do for my skin and the reality is that I take really good care of it (Rodan and Fields anti aging system, Primally Pure toxic free clarifying serum, hyolauronic acid)… and I also get botox. Botox always felt so vain and fake in my opinion, so I judged myself for wanting it. Even though I really love it, I have still felt shame about it and felt silently judged when it comes up in conversations. We need to disconnect from the “should,” because then we can really unfold why we want this thing and discover if it is in alignment with who we are. I judged myself because I wanted to look and feel younger. I felt like I’d be letting you down if you knew that I still have insecurities—but I am in process just as you are.  “Do we have space for each other to be on a journey?  Gosh, I sure hope so.”  
Body Image
I love the body positivity movement and the fact that women like Ashley Graham are literally changing the game in the fashion industry and in our culture. I do think we live in a culture of extremism, though. I’m a size 6, but models that are getting jobs are size 00 or size 12+. It still breeds the mentality of ‘not enough.’ Is there space for a person like me to be represented in our culture? I have lost ‘influencer’ jobs for not being skinny enough + now for not being big enough. “It’s almost felt as though I don’t have the permission to struggle with my body image because I’m in the middle of the road.” I overcame an eating disorder and praise God for that! (If you didn’t know that, I have an episode all about it.) I am healthy but I also have days where I don’t feel confident. I was listening to This American Life recently called “Ten Sessions” where a woman goes into therapy sessions while moving through abuse from childhood. She had to give herself permission to grieve and seek healing from a sexual abuse where she wasn’t raped. She didn’t think her pain was valid because it wasn’t as bad as someone else’s. “Wholeness is acknowledging that my stuff is worth gaining freedom from no matter how big or little I think it is.” I hope that our culture can keep embracing body positivity and that we create a culture of honor for all shapes and sizes.  
My hope is that my story reminds you that
you’re not alone,
you’re allowed t