Hello Mother, Hello Daughter Drs. Allison Alford & Michelle Miller-Day

It's the Season 2 finale! Host Dr. Allison Alford joins mother-daughter duo Leah & Dr. Mildred Boveda to explore the role of daughtering through the lens of youth activism and Critical Race Theory, rooted in Black Feminism. Allison's Google Alerts serendipitously connected her to the Bovedas; ahh the beauty of the research community!

Leah, a student at Brown University, reflects on her previous experiences as a youth activist in critical race debates after moving from FL to AZ, and how this culture shift impacted her adolescence. Leah tells her story, describing how she daughtered non-familial adults by both challenging and appreciating them.

Dr. Mildred Boveda—an award-winning professor at Penn State University, scholar and expert in special education studies—tells her story of making an impact in education, describes her work around Critical Race Theory and unpacks some thoughtful ideas for listeners to better understand current debates. Next, they discuss the Bovedas article, Centering Youth of Color Activism & Knowledge in the Critical Race Theory Debates (Boveda & Boveda, 2023). Shout out to to Dr. Venus Evans-Winters for her research in  daughtering as well as for her mentorship of Leah!

Mothering and daughtering roles can be found in both familial and non-familial relationships; through these connections women make sense of the world. Mildred explains how mothers, or nurturers, make space for daughters and the generations to come, while acknowledging how younger people can aid understanding. There is both an honoring by daughters toward mothers and a push to do better. Leah adds that daughtering can take place almost anywhere, but is particularly salient in youth activism, and in this space, effective communication is key.

As the final season of Hello Mother, Hello Daughter comes to a close, we would like to extend our gratitude to all our listeners!  Want to share your daughtering story? Contact us at 100daughtersproject@gmail.com.

Reflection Questions from hosts, Drs. Allison Alford & Michelle Miller-Day:
Who are you daughtering?  What separates daughtering from friendship or other relational connections?Do you think they recognize your daughtering?Have you considered having a conversation with close women in your life to discuss non-familial daughtering or mothering?To learn more about CRT:
Explore the research of Derrick Bell, Kimberlé Crenshaw, Cheryl Harris, & Patricia J. Williams (to name a few!)

Memorable Quotes:
“Mothering and daughtering are two sides of the same coin. I am not dismissed in this daughtering role.” -Leah

“Maybe my mom didn’t have the opportunities  that I did, but as her daughter, I should honor her and uplift her so that other people can know what she helped me understand and what I helped her understand” -Dr Mildred Boveda

Links:
In memoriam, honor, and love for Mildred's Mami: a collection of storiesBoveda, L., & Boveda, M. (2023). Centering Youth of Color Activism and Knowledge in the Critical Race Theory Debates. Teachers College Record, 125(5), 118-129. Mildred's blog on CRT. Leah's project: Melanin Minds.Find us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/
and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Tales from the Bridal Salon. A Discussion with Emily Lappi

Whose wedding is it anyway? When it comes to a bride’s big day, choosing a wedding
dress is anything but simple — especially while navigating the complex
mother-daughter relationship.

In this week’s episode, we hear from Emily Lappi, a bridal consultant, actor, former podcast host, and friend of Dr. Michelle Miller-Day.  With over eight years of experience styling brides, Emily has truly seen it all, sharing numerous stories that highlight topics such as body image, menstruation, and parental health. She views the dress selection process as a symbol of a woman coming into her own power as she prepares for marriage, independent of her mother. Considering the pressure that can be felt from one’s mother, family, or media depictions, it is essential for brides to set boundaries while remaining open to change.  Rather than asking what a mother “wants,” Emily suggests asking what she “sees” her daughter wearing; this centers the focus of the wedding dress shopping (and the wedding) on the bride and her partner. As a stylist, Emily works to bridge any gaps between a mother and daughter, keeping the bride’s happiness paramount.

Emily describes witnessing hurtful communication practices like mothers who retreat or attack during bridal fittings, withholding communication or making hurtful comments about their daughter's physical appearance. In response, brides “deflate” under their mother’s disapproval. A better way forward, Emily says, is for a Mother of the Bride (MOBs) to practice active listening. Active listening allows daughters to lead the experience with mothers reflecting upon daughters' communication, holding back any negative appraisals.  Michelle and Emily discuss the importance of mother-daughter communication when wedding dress shopping and how Gen Z daughters and their mothers seem to be more accepting of one another. Learning how to communicate effectively  has become a lot more accessible thanks to social media. And that's a good thing!  After all, it is your daughter’s wedding!

Tips from the hosts, Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-Day:
Mothers often see daughters as extensions of their own bodies — be mindful of the comments being made.Have a conversation prior to the bridal appointment to set boundaries and articulate expectations.Hold the experience with “open hands” by considering new possibilitiesQuote from Emily
“It’s not about what the dress looks like, it's how you feel in it — because how you feel in your dress is what shows in your photos.”
Quote from Michelle
“Comments matter. Be careful and aware of the comments that you make. You serve as a model for your daughter.”


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and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Featuring an open discussion between our host, Dr. Allison Alford, and family
communication expert, Dr. Sandra Faulkner, this episode explores the many ways that
we “do family,” the experiences of adult daughters throughout the COVID-19
pandemic, and leaning into creativity as a means of processing.

Dr. Sandra Faulkner shares her experiences as a professor (Bowling Green State University), encouraging students to employ creative practices when applying theory to better understand their lives. Such art based research is evident in her article “Buttered Nostalgia,”  where Sandra describes using cooking to explore instances of everyday caregiving, acts of daughtering, and interactions between siblings during the pandemic. Sandra describes herself as an adult daughter and mother like a  "rubber band,"  being pulled and stretched towards those who need you: both your parents and your own child and partner.

Allison and Sandra also mention the desire to be “mothered” or “daughtered”
throughout time, sharing personal stories as both mothers and daughters while examining their upbringings and relationships with their own children. Referencing a recent chapter she wrote, "Family Communication as an Art," Sandra encourages listeners to get a sense of their familial relationships through creative outlets such as writing a letter, even if it's never sent!

Tips from our hosts, Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-Day, to process thoughts
about family relationships:
Imagine you are writing a bumper sticker description of your relationship (like a catchphrase).Bring a box of art supplies to your next family gathering.Use poetry or other forms of writing to express one’s feelings and enhance the mind-body connection.Send funny memes! Laugh a little.  :)Write a letter to express yourself. Remember, it doesn't have to be mailed.
More on Dr. Sandra Faulkner:
Podcast on collage
https://theautoethnographer.com/new-podcast-how-can-collage-be-utilized-in-autoethnography/

Collage of Mothering poems
https://theautoethnographer.com/collage-and-erasure-poems-baby/

Buttered Nostalgia https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/02654075211012478

Cook’s Corner: A lot of love in this cake: Faulkner family recipe is flexible simple.
https://www.sent-trib.com/2022/11/15/cooks-corner-a-lot-of-love-in-this-cake-faulkner-family-recipe-is-flexible-simple/

TEDxBGSU highlights the meaning of Public Good
https://www.bgsu.edu/news/2022/04/tedxbgsu-highlights-the-meaning-of-public-good.html?fbclid=IwAR13EAm4mQRG_B_JF_z-Yx2Ibx9cLXf_a4RBCJg9vNJRFhR0TD7QT2UdCrk

BG Ideas Podcast Double-Duty Caretaking During COVID-19
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/double-duty-caretaking-during-covid-19/id
1459394334?i=1000534645245


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and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

This week’s episode features a discussion on narcissistic mothers with Dr. Karyl McBride, a licensed marriage and family therapist, consultant, expert witness, and author. Note for listeners: this episode is not a substitute for professional treatment, but rather an open and knowledge-based conversation.

When describing adult mother-daughter relationships, Michelle explains that
daughters who lack mothering often grieve an idealistic form of their relationship. This can especially be true for daughters with narcissistic mothers. These mothers' lack of empathy can be seen through entitlement, exploitation, and constant disapproval.

Dr. McBride notes the term narcissism is used loosely in society, when in reality narcissism disorder is far more serious. Sharing personal experiences from their own lives, Michelle and Karyl reference the all too familiar “family rule” of maintaining a perfect image, despite the dysfunctional dynamics that persist behind the scenes. Dr. McBride compares the narcissistic family system to that of the alcoholic, identifying key familial roles including the narcissist, the enabler, the scapegoat, the golden child, and the lost child. Although there is no such thing as a perfect family, Dr. McBride emphasizes the importance of having someone to lean on throughout one’s child development.

Connections, like the mother-daughter relationship, inform one’s sense of identity from an early age. In her books ("Will the Drama Ever End?: Untangling and Healing from the Harmful Effects of Parental Narcissism") Dr. McBride provides tools and a five-step recovery framework to help adult children process their dysfunction (see below).

Tips from the hosts, Dr. Allison Alford and Dr. Michelle Miller-Day
Find a trained, licensed therapist to help unpack relationships with narcissists.Think about contact levels with a narcissistic parent, weighing one’s options. Measured contact may include limited interactions and healthy boundaries (bandbacktogether.com).Estrangement results in no contact at all, which may be healthy for certain circumstances.Follow the recovery steps outlined by Dr. Karyl McBride in her books#1 Acknowledge trauma and healing.#2 Individuate and separate from the dysfunctional relationship.#3 Become the person you really are.#4 Understand how you will re-enter the family system#5 Meaningfully integrate information and healing into your new lifeFind More
Books: willieverbegoodenough.com
Clinical Practice: karylmcbridephd.com
Expert Blog: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love
Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram

“A lot of people are told the past is the past, get over it. That's not true. If we don’t embrace the trauma and do recovery, we won’t get better - it’s an inside job” -K.M.

“There is a lot to think about for daughters of narcissistic mothers. Be safe. Be healthy. Be Loved.” -M.M.D. 
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and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Resourcing your relationship: Daughtering from a place of provision A discussion w/ Kat Foster 
The wait is finally over! What better way to launch season 2 of Hello Mother, Hello Daughter than by having Kat Foster on the podcast? Kat Foster (@iamkatfoster) is a profoundly versatile, classically-trained actor known for her leading roles in a wide range of film, television, and theater productions. Her recent creative endeavor, a short film, connected Kat to Allison and Michelle’s work through the term daughtering. 


In their discussion, Kat describes the role and behaviors associated with daughtering through the notion of replenishing, or resourcing, oneself first in order to daughter effectively. This sense of individuation guides daughters in understanding their own needs, even if mothering cannot fulfill them. Sharing her personal experience as both a mother and a daughter, Kat explains how looking inwards makes visible the ways that one is resourced, both positively and negatively, in their mother-daughter relationship. In turn, this can help daughters recognize areas to be grateful for as well as those in need of repair. 


Kat’s short film Daughtering–which she wrote, directed, and starred in–serves as an example of resourcing through creative means. She describes a sense of profound connection, which is portrayed in the film yet not found in her offscreen mother-daughter relationship. The short film’s relation to a longing for mothering serves as a way of processing complex relationships in which there is both compassion and resentment. 


Allison and Kat reference the concept of "separating the being from the doing" when understanding daughtering. They discuss "daughtering and being" through identity, feelings, and thoughts, allowing daughters to make peace with themselves. In contrast, “doing daughtering” does not necessarily mean elder caregiving, as care can be shown through emotional support and acts of service. Consider how as daughters, we may desire for our mothers to live more fully, whether that be overcoming a fear or enjoying activities they love! 


The podcast ends with a tip (or homework?!) from our hosts, Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-Day, to account for the ways one is resourced or needs resources in their mother-daughter relationship: Make a list of what you have in your mother-daughter relationship that strengthens connection, as well as what makes it difficult to engage in the relationship. Reflecting on the items on this list can bring awareness to your daughtering resources. 


Find more on Kat Foster:
Kat Foster IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1928172/
Daughtering IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt14558074/

Memorable quote from Kat 
“You can’t care for people if you are under resourced, yet giving your resources is a pleasure, like a wonderful symbiotic relationship.” 


Memorable quote from Allison
“Being great daughters means being good to ourselves first.”


Find us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/
and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Podcast: Hello Mother, Hello Daughter
Hosts: Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-Day
Date: 12/20/22
Title: “Why adding "Daughtering’" to our language is important”
About:
In this episode, Allison discusses daughtering as an identity and a role.  Identities are the ways we think of and label ourselves. Roles, on the other hand, are ways of behaving in a given set of circumstances. 

Borrowed language, can be problematic. Using the wrong word for an activity can diminish the importance of the behavior, or make it an invisible act. If we are not using the right language, we are not giving daughters their due credit or asking what could be better/worse about this family role. Likewise, overburdening the mothering role can create unreasonable expectations for motherhood. 

Allison shares a description of daughtering from her research, which can be found in the book, linked below.  In other words, daughtering describes the ways adult daughters provide for–or care for–their parents. It’s the way a daughter acts like a daughter. She provides care or support on purpose. Daughtering is so much more than a later-in-life activity. Think of the stuff daughters do for decades. Apply the idea of parenting (where a lot of work takes place for toddlers, teens, and adult kids), to adult daughters, and think of the work daughters are putting in. 

So, why is it important to name and define daughtering? Words define our experience. Just ask Webster’s dictionary! Without definition and discussion, daughtering is not getting the attention it deserves. Pointing out daughtering means it matters. And mattering fills our souls. So, tell a daughter what great daughtering she is doing. It will fill her soul!

Hello Mother, Hello Daughter!  Our tip today is to do your very best to make choices for yourself and your family that improve your life and family relationships.  Thanks for joining us on Season 1 of our podcast. Look for Season 2 next year in the summer of 2023! 

Citations:
Alford, A. M. (2021). Doing daughtering: an exploration of adult daughters’ constructions of role portrayals in relation to mothers. Communication Quarterly, 69(3), 215-237. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2021.1920442

Alford, A. M., & Miller-Day, M. (Eds.) (2019). Constructing motherhood and daughterhood across the lifespan. Peter Lang. https://doi.org/10.3726/b10841. Purchase here: https://www.amazon.com/Constructing-Motherhood-Daughterhood-Lifespan-Communication/dp/1433165716/ 

Walters, S. D. (1992). Lives together, worlds apart: Mothers and daughters in popular culture. University of California Press. Purchase here: https://www.amazon.com/Together-Worlds-Suzanna-Danuta-Walters/dp/0520086562 


Credits: 
Produced by Michelle Miller-Day
Graphic Design by Malia Niell 
Social Media management by Ella Kodjababian
Music by Happy Summer by RomanSenykMusic



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