Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD

Ep. 18 – Kai, Age 9: Friends call him bossy | Building great leadership skills
Kai wonders what to do when his friends say he’s being bossy. How can he get his ideas across?
Scroll down for discussion questions, a transcript, and how to submit your child's question.
Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER, DrFriendtastic.substack.com, to get episodes sent to your email plus Q&A posts for parents.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME (or another name),
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child
What are some ways that friendship groups can be more complicated than individual friendships?
Have you ever tried to change friendship groups? Why did you want to make the change? How did it go?
Why does Dr. Friendtastic recommend belonging to more than one friendship group?
Why do you think kids sometimes try to hide or change something about themselves to fit in? How is that different from belonging?
TRANSCRIPT
Hi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Kai, and I am 9 years old and my question is what do you do if your friends say you’re bossy 
Hi, Kai! Thanks for your question! My guess is that you have a lot of qualities of a great leader! I bet you have good ideas, a lot of energy, and you’re probably good at communicating what you want–what your vision is. Those are very important abilities for a leader to have!
Where you’re getting stuck is with the reaction from your friends. We need to figure that part out because even though you have good ideas and you’re putting them out there, your friends aren’t responding positively. 
Now maybe your friends were feeling tired and grumpy that day. If that’s the case, you can just step over that rough spot. I’m sure it bothered you to be called bossy, but if it was just one bad moment, let it go.
On the other hand, if you’ve heard the word “bossy” tossed at you by more than one friend or on more than one day, it might be useful to think about how you’re communicating your good ideas, so you can make it easier for your friends to hear them.
One tricky thing is that most kids have their parents and their grandparents and their teachers and their coaches and their babysitters all telling them what to do. With all those grown-ups bossing them around, kids really don’t like it when they feel like another kid is telling them what to do. 
A good leader doesn’t just give out orders. A good leader also knows how to listen, ask questions, and get input from others. A good leader notices the positive and makes sure that everyone in the group feels like they matter. A good leader thinks about “we” not just “I.”
So, if you have an idea, you could ask rather than tell, maybe say something like, “How about if we…?” or “What do you think about…?” instead of “You have to…!” or “You’re wrong!”
And if someone calls you bossy, maybe that could be your signal to ask, “What would you like to do?” Listen carefully to the response. You could even try summarizing what the other person says, just so they know you understand. You could say, “So, you want to do it this way because…” 
Once you really understand what other people want, you’re in a better place to explain what you want or come up with a compromise. A compromis

Ep. 17 – Sophie, Age 10: Balancing a best friend and another friend | Appreciating different flavors of friends
Sophie is deciding whether to sit on the bus with her close friend or a new friend. Scroll down for discussion questions, a transcript, and how to submit your child's question.
Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER, DrFriendtastic.substack.com, to get episodes sent to your email plus Q&A posts for parents.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME (or another name),
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child
What are some ways that friendship groups can be more complicated than individual friendships?
Have you ever tried to change friendship groups? Why did you want to make the change? How did it go?
Why does Dr. Friendtastic recommend belonging to more than one friendship group?
Why do you think kids sometimes try to hide or change something about themselves to fit in? How is that different from belonging?
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Sophie, and I am 10 years old. what do you do for if a classmate wants to sit with you on the bus, but you really want to sit with your best friend?
Hi, Sophie! That’s a tricky question! Thanks for sending it in.
On the one hand, you like your close friend a lot, so of course you want to spend as much time with her as possible.
Also, you two might have a routine of sitting together on the bus. You wouldn’t want your close friend to feel dumped because she was counting on sitting with you, but you suddenly sat with someone else.
On the flip side, this other friend is doing something kind: she’s telling you she likes you and wants to spend time with you. I’m sure you don’t want to hurt her feelings by responding to her kindness with rejection.
There’s no one correct answer in this situation. The important thing is to try to be kind and respectful to both friends and to yourself. Communicating clearly can help you do that.
If the bus seats are big enough, it might be a good idea to have the second friend join you and your close friend, so all three of you sit together. That way no one feels left out, but, of course, it wouldn’t be the same as just you and your close friend sitting together. Also, the bus driver might not allow three-to-a-seat.
Another option is to thank the second friend for her kind invitation and then explain to her that you’ve already promised to sit with your close friend (if that’s true).
A good way to soften a no is to tell someone, “I can’t do that, but I CAN do this.” So you could say, “I can’t sit with you on the bus in the morning, but I can sit with you on the afternoon ride” or “I can sit with you at lunch” or “I can get together with you after school.” The “I CAN do this” part shows that you care about the other friend, even if you’re not doing exactly what she wants.
Still another option is to talk with your close friend about sometimes mixing things up and sitting with other kids.
Why would you do that? Why not just stick with your closest friend all the time?
Think about your favorite dinner. Let’s say it’s spaghetti. Let’s say you love eating spaghetti. Why don’t you eat spaghetti for every single meal? Well, as much as you love spaghetti, there are probably other mea

Ep. 16 – Sam, Age 13: Joining a new group of friends | Understanding the difference between fitting in and belonging
Sam wants to know how he can tell if he’s become friends with a new group.
Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER, DrFriendtastic.substack.com, to get episodes sent to your email plus Q&A posts for parents. Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME (or another name),
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child
What are some ways that friendship groups can be more complicated than individual friendships?
Have you ever tried to change friendship groups? Why did you want to make the change? How did it go?
Why does Dr. Friendtastic recommend belonging to more than one friendship group?
Why do you think kids sometimes try to hide or change something about themselves to fit in? How is that different from belonging?
TRANSCRIPT
Hi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Hi, Dr. Fantastic. I'm Sam, and I'm 13 years old I've been hanging around a new group of people, and I was just wondering how I know if I became their friend?
Hi, Sam! Thanks for sending in your question! First I want to say, good for you for being brave enough to reach out to a new group of people! That’s an important way to build friendships.
Being part of a friend group can multiply our fun! But groups can be more complicated than individual friendships. You’re probably not going to feel equally close to every single person in a group. And that’s okay! You can have fun with people even if they’re not close friends. Groups can also change as people move in or out for various reasons. A group might also divide or combine with other groups.
Sometimes kids belong to more than one group. In fact, I recommend that! You can think of different groups as reflecting different aspects of who you are. Maybe you have a lunch table group, and a swim team group, and a family friends group… Being part of different groups also gives you more social options. 
So, back to your question, how do you know if you’re friends with a new group? Well, one important clue is how they act toward you. Do they seem happy to see you? Do they often include you when they make plans? 
Remember it takes time and effort to build friendships. So especially if you’re joining a group that already existed, be patient. You probably won’t be instantly in the thick of the group. But deepening your friendships, showing people you like them, and getting to know more people in the group by doing fun things with them could help you become closer to the group.
There’s another important issue with friendship groups that I want you to think about: Brene Brown points out the difference between “fitting in” and “belonging.” When we’re focused on fitting in, we feel like we have to change ourselves in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, is about feeling known and valued for who we really are. Understanding this difference between fitting in and belonging can help you make wise choices about who you spend your time with.
Here are some questions that can help you figure out whether a group is a good fit for you:
- How do you feel when you’re with them?
- If you were upset about something, how woul

Ep. 15 – Evie, Age 9: What is a close friend? | Valuing close friends and other friends
Evie wonders how to tell if she has a close friend.
Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER, DrFriendtastic.substack.com, to get episodes sent to your email plus Q&A posts for parents. Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME (or another name),
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child
Why do you think it’s important to enjoy casual friends as well as close friends?
Can you think of someone who is not a close friend but still makes your life more enjoyable? Who is that, and how do they add to your life?
Can you think of someone who started out as a casual friend and became a close friend of yours over time? How did that happen? 
How about the reverse? Have you ever known someone who used to be a close friend of yours and then you grew apart? What happened?
What do you think Dr. Friendtastic meant when she said, “The best way to get closeness is to give it”?
TRANSCRIPT
Hi! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
I’m Evie. I’m 9, and my question is: How do you know if you're close with someone or not?
Hi, Evie! Thanks for sending in your question. It raises a very interesting topic, which is: What do we mean by closeness in a friendship?
When I think about closeness, or intimacy, I think about being “special” to another person. I think about sharing our private thoughts and feelings, and having a sense of being understood, cared for, appreciated, and even loved.  
In our most intimate friendships, we can feel like we have a soul mate. We only get about three of those in our whole lives, and I’m completely making up that number. But my point is, that kind of deep intimacy is rare. That’s what makes it special.
If you think about friendships on a staircase of increasing intimacy, a soulmate would be at the top of the staircase. At the bottom of the staircase, the first step might be a bus stop friend. This could be someone who you see regularly and say hi to. You might chat a bit, but you don’t know each other that well. 
A step or two above that might be a math class friend. This could be someone you like and sit next to and even help each other with homework sometimes. 
A few steps above that might be a soccer-team friend. This could be someone you enjoy playing with and you cheer each other on, celebrating the victories together and comforting each other when the game doesn’t go well. You have that connection from running and sweating together and pursuing your shared goals of improving your skills and winning as a team.
And so on. And so on. There are so many different kinds of friends! And they can all be good!
Each level of the friendship intimacy staircase matters because these friends enrich our lives. Math class is easier and more fun if we have a buddy to share it with! 
Maybe those friendships on the lower steps will deepen over time, as you share more and get to know each other better, or maybe they’ll stay right where they are. And that’s absolutely fine. We can enjoy and appreciate all levels of friendship closeness, whether or not we happen to have a soulmate at that time.
So, back to your question: How do you know if you’re close with someone or not?

Ep. 14 – Rowan, Age 12: Feels guilty, wants to make up with a friend | How to apologize well
________
Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER, DrFriendtastic.substack.com, to get episodes sent to your email plus Q&A posts for parents. Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME (or another name),
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child
Have you ever felt guilty about something you did (or didn’t do) to a friend? How did you handle that? Were you able to make up with the friend?
Why do you think some kids have a hard time apologizing?
Think about a time that someone apologized to you. Do you think they were genuinely sorry? How could you tell?
Dr. Friendtastic says that guilt can be a useful emotion, even though it’s uncomfortable. Do you agree? Why or why not?
TRANSCRIPT
Hi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Rowan, and I'm 12 years old. My question is: Sometimes I can be mean to my best friend. I feel bad after. What's the best way to make it up to him?
Hi, Rowan. I’m so glad you asked this question!
We all make mistakes sometimes with our friends. So figuring out how to move beyond those mistakes is very important for helping friendships last.
That bad feeling you have after you’ve done something that hurts someone is called “guilt.” Guilt is that pinch of conscience that says, “Ooh! Shouldn’t have done that!” Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling, but it’s useful. It helps us recognize when we’ve made a mistake, and it guides us to move forward in kinder ways. 
The fact that you felt guilty after being mean to your friend tells me you care about him, and you want to do better by him from now on. That’s a great place to start working things out!
Often the fastest way to patch things up with a friend is to apologize. Sometimes kids have trouble apologizing because they think it means admitting that they’re a terrible person, and they’ll always be terrible with nothing good or likable about them at all, ever. 
That’s just not true. A sincere apology doesn’t say, “I’m terrible!” It says, “I care about you!”
So, how do you apologize? Well, just saying, “Sorr-ee-ee!” isn’t going to help. Apologies only matter if you mean them! 
A good way to apologize is to say, “I’m sorry for…” Start with the word “I” then say you’re sorry, then say the specific action or lack of action you regret.
“I’m sorry for whatever” doesn’t sound sincere.
“I’m sorry you’re upset” also doesn’t cut it because it’s not mentioning your part in causing the upset.
“I’m sorry for calling you that name...” Now we’re getting somewhere! 
Here’s another tip: don’t add the word “but” after you say you’re sorry because that erases the apology. For example, “I’m sorry for calling you that name, but you always call me names, and you also borrowed my hat and never gave it back!” Ugh, that apology was completely erased by everything after the “but.”
Now we can’t stop there! It’s not enough just to say the words of an apology. We have to back it up with actions to show we mean it! 
What could you DO to make things right or make it up to your friend? If something is broken, maybe you could

Ep. 13 – Mara, Age 9: Friend doesn’t want her to have other friends. | Dealing with an Octopus Friend
________
Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER, DrFriendtastic.substack.com, to get episodes sent to your email plus posts for parents. Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME,
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child
Why do you think it’s important to speak up if you hear someone say something mean about your friend? What would you do if you heard someone say something mean about a kid you don’t know well? What would you do if the mean comments were about a kid you know but don’t like?
What, if anything, have you learned at school about race and racism? What have you learned about those topics from adult family members?
Do you think it matters whether someone said a racist comment on purpose, trying to be hurtful, versus saying it without realizing the comment is hurtful? Why or why not?
How do you know when it’s important to talk to an adult about mean or racist comments versus handling the situation yourself?
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome, I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Hi, my name is Mara, I’m 9 years old, and my question is: What do we do when a friend wants to keep me all to themselves? Thank you 
Hi, Mara, that’s a very important question. Thanks for sending it in! 
Your friend is being what I call an “Octopus Friend.” She’s squeezing you so tightly that it makes you want to get away. 
Now, we always want to try to imagine things from the other person’s point of view because that helps us to make wise and kind choices. Why do you think your friend wants to keep you all to herself? 
My guess is that she’s scared of losing you as a friend. Maybe it’s hard for her to make friends, and she really doesn’t have other options of people to play with. That would make the idea of losing you very scary to her. She doesn’t want to be all alone. I can understand that!
Maybe there’ve been some changes in your relationship that make her feel less confident about your friendship.
Maybe the two of you are doing different activities, so you have less in common, or you’ve been extra busy, so you haven’t spent as much time together as you used to. 
Maybe you’ve made some new friends, and she’s feeling sad and left behind.
Here’s something that happens often in friendships: people sometimes do things, because they’re scared, that bring about exactly what they’re scared of. So, in this case, your friend is probably sensing that you want to move away from her, so she clings more tightly to you, but that makes you want to move away more, which makes her want to cling more, and so on.
So, what should you do? It might be tempting to yell at her and say, “Go away! You’re annoying! Leave me alone!” It’s understandable that you would want space if your friend is clinging tightly, but expressing your feelings in that way would be very hurtful. 
Assuming you still want to be friends with her–just not squished by her–one option could be to include her when you play with other kids. That lets you build your other friendships without hurting her. It also might make your friend feel like she has more friends, which could make her less