Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD

Ep. 10, Isaac, age 7.5: Friend is disrespectful | Speaking up for yourself in kind ways
Isaac wonders what to do when another kid treats him and his toys in disrespectful ways. Does that mean the friendship is over?
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Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER to get episodes sent to your email plus posts for parents.
Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME,
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. How do you know when your friend’s mistake is something you need to forgive or work through and when it means the end of your friendship?
Think of a time when you needed to explain to a friend what you were thinking or feeling. What did you say? How did the friend react? 
Why are “I” statements a powerful way to deal with friendship problems? What makes them more effective than a “You” statement? (Hint: How do you think a friend would respond if you talked about a problem by saying “I want…” versus “You always…”?)
Why do you think it’s sometimes hard for kids to tell friends about what they think, feel, or want? How could NOT telling friends about your thoughts and feelings hurt a friendship? 
Can you think of a situation when NOT telling a friend what you think or feel might be the kind thing to do? For example, if you don’t like your friend’s haircut or outfit, do you need to tell your friend or is it better to keep that opinion to yourself? 
TRANSCRIPT
Hi, I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hello, my name is Isaac. I’m seven-and-a-half years old. How do you handle a situation when you don't want to play with somebody because they don't respect you or your toys?
Hi, Isaac, I’m so glad you asked this question because I think it’s something a lot of kids wonder about. 
If someone is not respecting you or your toys, it’s absolutely understandable that you wouldn’t want to play with that kid! But before you completely write him off, I wonder if it might make sense to see if there’s a way to make things work. Especially if this kid can sometimes be fun and kind, it might be worth trying to get along.
Now, I want to be clear about something: working things out doesn’t mean you should put up with being treated in a disrespectful way. That wouldn’t bring you closer, it would just make you dislike this kid more and more, and then you might do something disrespectful to him! And then he’d be mad at you, so he might do something disrespectful back, and the problem would get even bigger!
You didn’t mention what the kid did that you found disrespectful. Maybe it’s something you could prevent by changing the situation. For example, if he tends to be too rough with one of your toys, maybe you could put that toy away when you know he’s going to be around or before he comes over. Or maybe only play outside with him or only play some games but not other games with him. 
It might be useful to try talking to this kid. He can’t know how you feel unless you tell him. He might not realize how upset you are about what he’s doing. You’re assuming he did whatever he did because he doesn’t respect you or your toys, but maybe that’s not true. Maybe he didn’t know or just made a mistake.
You could try u

Ep 9 – Ava, age 9: Told she can’t play | Friendly actions in public versus private settings.
________
Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER to get episodes sent to your email plus posts for parents.
Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME,
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child
Why do you think Ava’s friends wanted to play only with each other? Why does Dr. Friendtastic think it matters whether they are in a private or public setting?
Have you ever had someone tell you that you couldn’t play? What did you do?
What do you think of the rule: “You can’t say anyone can’t play”? Do you think it would help kids be kinder and include others? Why or why not?
Are there any situations where you think it’s okay not to include someone? What would you do if a kid was being mean or trying to wreck your game?
TRANSCRIPT
Hi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s hear today’s question:
I’m Ava, and I’m 9. I have two friends in my class who do everything together. Last week, when I tried to join their game at recess, they told me to go play with my other friends. What should I do when this happens?
Hi, Ava. Ouch! It never feels good to hear, “We don’t want to play with you!”
I think it was unkind of the two friends to exclude you at recess! It’s true that some people are closer friends than others, but recess is a public setting–meaning there are lots of people around. The time for private playing is in a private setting–like one of their homes. They could have a play date with just the two of them at one of their homes–no harm done, But in a situation where lots of people are around, insisting on being with just one other person doesn’t make sense.
The problem is, we can’t control what other people do. So, the issue we need to figure out is not what they should have done differently. Instead, we need to focus on, what are you going to do in this situation, when two of your friends only want to play with each other?
It may be that this is a sometimes not always thing. If the two friends are usually happy to include you and only sometimes exclude you, it may be worth watching before you approach them. If they’re already playing with other people, or they just seem more relaxed and open, go ahead and try to play with them. On the other hand, if they’re huddling close and whispering, they’re probably not open to including you, so don’t bother approaching them. Just go find someone else to play with.
You might be wondering whether you should say something when these two friends insist on playing only with each other. If your school has a rule that “You can’t say anyone can’t play,” it might be useful to remind them of that. If they’re hogging some play equipment, you might want to say, “I’d like a turn.” You could also tell them, “That was a mean thing to say” then walk away. If they care about their friendship with you, that might make them think about what they’re doing.
Unfortunately, you can’t make people want to play with you. So if they’re not being kind to you, your best bet is probably to find someone else to hang out with.
There’s one more thing that I hope you’ll do: Remember this. Remember what it feels like to be exclude

Episode 8 – Blake, Age 11: Excluded by friends | On the edge of a friendship group?
________
Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER to get episodes sent to your email plus posts for parents.
Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME,
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child
Have you ever felt left out of your group of friends? What happened? How did you handle it?
What are some unhurtful reasons why kids might get together with some of their friends in a group but not all of them?
Excluding just one kid from a group get-together is likely to hurt that kid’s feelings. If you like that kid, what are some ways you could help that kid feel less hurt? If you don’t like that kid, what are some kinder ways to handle that?
Why do you think it’s not a good idea to yell at your friends if they get together without you?
What are some fun ideas of things you could invite a group of friends to do with you?
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s listen to today’s question.
Hi, Dr. Friendtastic. My name is Blake, and I'm 11 years old. My question about friendship is: When your group of friends doesn't invite include you in something, what should you do?
Hi, Blake, thanks for sending in your question. Knowing that your friends got together without you could make anyone feel hurt and angry. It definitely doesn’t feel good to be left out!
I have a question for you: How do your friends treat you when you’re together? That’s a very important thing to think about to help you figure out what their getting together without you might mean.
If your friends seem happy to see you, and they’re usually kind to you, then the fact that they got together without you might mean absolutely nothing. 
Can you think of some unhurtful reasons why they might have done this? Maybe it was a last-minute thing. Maybe they live close together and just popped over, or they were together at some event and just continued hanging out afterward. Maybe they had to get together for a school project. Maybe they like to do a certain activity or have a certain interest that you don’t share, and they just got together to do that. Maybe they didn’t realize you would want to be included in what they were doing.
All of these scenarios would mean that the get-together has nothing to do with how they feel about you. In that case, you could either say, “Wow, that sounds fun!” and leave it at that, or “Wow, that sounds fun! Next time, please invite me. I’d love to do that with you!”
Another possibility is that your friends like you, but some of your friends are closer to each other than they are to you. It may be that they see you more on the edge of the friendship group, rather than in the center. That happens. Maybe you’re fairly new to this group or the other kids might have more in common. 
You can’t do anything to make their friendships less close. But you might be able to build up your closeness with them and become more of a central part of the group. Try inviting the whole group to do something fun with you. Being the kid who has good ideas of fun things to do can be a great role to have.
You could also decide just to accept that you’re friends with these kids but not close friends. That’s fine

Ep. 7 – Emma, age 11: Friend is a poor sport | Choosing how to respond to a frustrating friend
________
Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my newsletter, Open Door For Parents, to get episodes sent to your email.
Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME,
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Email the audio file to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child
- Why do you think kids sometimes have trouble handling winning and losing? What have you found useful to comfort yourself when you lose a game?
- Have you ever had the experience of being the “worst” player in a game? How did you feel? What did you do?
- Do you have a friend who has a habit you find annoying? How have you handled that?
- Has anyone ever told you that something you do is annoying or frustrating? What happened? How did you respond?
- Why do you think a one-on-one conversation about a problem is likely to go better than a whole group confronting someone about what they’re doing wrong?
TRANSCRIPT
Hi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, I’m Emma, and I’m 11 years old, When my friends and I are playing tag or a game like that, one of my friends always quits the game when it's their turn to be it or be the tagger. When we choose someone else to be the tagger, she rejoins the game, and it's so frustrating! If I was an emoji when this happens, I'd be the frustrated one.
Hi, Emma, thanks for your question! Clearly, your friend is not being a good sport: She likes to play tag with all of you, but she bows out when it’s her turn to be “it.” That sounds very frustrating! 
I wonder why it’s so uncomfortable for your friend to be “it”. This may be one of those situations where we’re not going to be able to solve the problem unless we understand your friend’s point of view. 
At a neutral time, when it’s just the two of you, so she doesn’t feel ganged up on, you could try saying to your friend, “I’ve noticed you really hate being the tagger when we play tag. How come?” Make sure your tone is curious, not critical. You’re not scolding or arguing; you’re just trying to understand what she’s thinking.
Is your friend the slowest runner in your group? It may be that she’s afraid if she becomes the tagger she won’t be able to catch any of the rest of you, and she’ll be stuck as the tagger. 
If that’s the case, you might be able to solve the problem by adjusting the rules of the game. Maybe you could make a rule that the tagger can ask for a helper if they’re feeling tired or frustrated.
Another possibility is to create an extra way to stop being the tagger, besides catching someone. Maybe  the tagger could get done with their turn by touching four specific things on the playground. You can all decide together what those four things are. 
Trying to understand your friend’s concerns, and adjusting the rules to address those, could make it easier for your friend to handle being the tagger. 
You could also decide to play a different game when she’s around to avoid the problem.
There’s another option for solving this: you could decide just to accept that this is the way your friend is right now. 
Quitting a game of tag as soon as you’re “it” is not the right way to play the game. But a lot of kids have trouble learning to

Episode 6 – Jayden, Age 9: Wondering why kids bully | Empathy blind spots
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Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com.
THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS
- Have you ever been bullied or seen someone get bullied? Has anyone ever accused you of bullying them? What happened?
- There are lots of different kinds of bullying: physical (such as hitting or kicking), verbal (such as yelling at someone or calling them mean names), relational (such as excluding someone or spreading rumors about them), and cyberbullying (putting mean comments or photos online). Which do you things is worst and why?  
- Why do you think kids often don’t speak up when they see bullying? Why do they sometimes not want to tell an adult about bullying? 
- Sometimes friends get mad at each other and say or do mean things. Do you think that’s bullying? How can you tell the difference between an argument and bullying?
- Does your school do anything to try to stop bullying? Do you think those efforts are helpful? Why or why not?

SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME,
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Email the audio file to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

TRANSCRIPT
Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. 
I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s listen to today’s question
My name is Jayden, and I'm 9 years old, and my question is why do kids bully other kids?
Hi Jayden, that’s a very interesting and important question–one that a lot of people have wondered about, including a lot of scientists.
The short answer to your question about why kids bully is: because they can. 
Kids who bully are bigger, tougher, stronger, or more popular than the kids they target. And, their meanness works for them somehow, Maybe it makes them feel powerful or maybe they think it makes other kids respect or fear them.
Bullying tends to happen when adults don’t see it. Other kids may be afraid to speak up when they see bullying because they don’t want to get bullied themselves. But when nobody says anything, or when kids laugh or even join in on the bullying, that sends the message that bullying is OK. 
It may surprise you to hear that a lot of kids who bully are also bullied themselves, either at home or by other kids. They may have trouble managing their temper, or they may believe they have to defend themselves because other people are against them. 
But sometimes kids who bully are the “cool” kids. They may be smart and popular and even well-liked by teachers. These kids can turn on and off the meanness to suit their needs, and they don’t mind hurting other people to get what they want. 
The main cause of bullying is what I call “empathy blind spots.” Empathy blind spots happen when children decide that certain people's feelings don't “count.” So. they might think, “She’s weird” or “He’s annoying” or “Nobody likes them,” and they believe that makes it okay to be mean to those kids.
I’m sure you know that that’s not true. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. Everyone deserves to feel safe.
If you’re being bullied, tell a grown-up you trust. They can help you figure out ways to deal with it. You may also want to stay close to friends or just stand near an adult so you’re less of a target in situations where the bullying tends to happen.
If you see someone being bullied, try to be an upstander, not a bystander. If you don’t want to say something directly to the kid doing the bullying, you

Ep. 5, Edith, age 8: Friend doesn't do what she wants | Watch out for "shoulds"
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Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER to get episodes sent to your email plus posts for parents.
Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.
SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTIC
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME,
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions
- What is the “danger of shoulds”? How can “shoulds” hurt a friendship?
- Can you think of a time when a friend did something you didn’t like, but you were able to accept it and move on? Why is that a useful thing to be able to do?
- Have you ever had a friend get mad at you because you did something they didn’t like? How did you and your friend handle it?
- Sometimes it’s important just to accept it when a friend doesn’t do what we want, and sometimes it’s important to talk to the friend about what happened and explain what you want from now on and why it matters to you. How can you tell when to accept and when to speak up?
 TRANSCRIPT
Hi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s hear today’s question:
Hi, my name is Edith, and I'm 8 years old. my friend grabbed this like, it was this little spinny thing that I wanted, and I said, “Can I have it after you?” He was like yeah, so I said okay and then this girl, who’s really really like not nice, and so she went up and after we were done spinning, then he gave it to the girl instead of me. How do I fix this problem? 
Hi, Edith. Thanks for sending in your question. If I understand it correctly, you’re mad at your friend because you TOLD him you wanted the spinny thing when he was done, but instead he gave it to another kid who you don’t even like.
Maybe you’re thinking, “A real friend, a loyal friend should do what I want, not what someone else wants.” I can understand that. We all want our friends to be on our side in life.
I think, though. that we need to be careful about the danger of SHOULDS, especially when it comes to friends.
If you think to yourself, “My friend SHOULD do what I want!” you’re boxing yourself in and telling yourself, “Things have to be a certain way!” But what happens when your friend doesn’t do exactly what you want? Does that mean you’re not friends anymore?
Yikes! I hope not.
You can soften your shoulds in your mind by turning them into “I’d prefer.” “I’d prefer” means you’d like it better if. So “I’d prefer if my friend gave me the spinny thing next” means “You’d like it better if he gave it to you–but you can absolutely handle it if things don’t go exactly how you like them best.
Maybe you got a turn with the spinny thing a little later, after the other kid,  or maybe you didn’t get a turn at all and you just went to lunch and went on and had a good day.
When you turn shoulds into “I’d prefer” in your mind, you give yourself room to accept whatever is happening, even if it’s not perfect, and just move on.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and look on the podcast page to see how to submit your question.


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