57 episodes

These podcasts are a reflection of Ruth & David’s on-going conversations which are both intimate and professional and touch on complex topics like how systems fail victims and children, how victims experience those systems, and how children are impacted by those failures. Their discussions delve into how society views masculinity and violence, and how intersectionalities such as cultural beliefs, religious beliefs and unique vulnerabilities impact how we respond to abuse and violence. These far-ranging discussions offer an insider look into how we navigate the world as professionals, as parents and as partners. During these podcasts, David & Ruth challenge the notions which keep all us from moving forward collectively as systems, as cultures and as families into safety, nurturance and healing.Note: Some of the topics discussed in the episodes are deeply personal and sensitive, which may be difficult for some people. We occasionally use mature language. We often use gender pronouns like “he” when discussing perpetrators and “she” for victims. While both and men and women can be abusive and controlling, and domestic abuse happens in straight and same-sex relationships, the most common situation, when it comes to coercive control, is a male perpetrator and a female victim. Men's abuse toward women is more closely associated with physical injury, fear and control. Similarly, very different expectations of men and women as parents and the focus of Safe & Together on children in the context of domestic abuse makes it impossible to make generic references to gender when it comes to parenting. The Model, through its behavioral focus on patterns of behavior, is useful in identifying and responding to abuse in all situations including same-sex couples and women's use of violence. We think our listeners are sophisticated enough to understand these distinctions.

Partnered with a Survivor: David Mandel and Ruth Stearns Mandel Ruth Stearns Mandel & David Mandel

    • Society & Culture
    • 4.8 • 13 Ratings

These podcasts are a reflection of Ruth & David’s on-going conversations which are both intimate and professional and touch on complex topics like how systems fail victims and children, how victims experience those systems, and how children are impacted by those failures. Their discussions delve into how society views masculinity and violence, and how intersectionalities such as cultural beliefs, religious beliefs and unique vulnerabilities impact how we respond to abuse and violence. These far-ranging discussions offer an insider look into how we navigate the world as professionals, as parents and as partners. During these podcasts, David & Ruth challenge the notions which keep all us from moving forward collectively as systems, as cultures and as families into safety, nurturance and healing.Note: Some of the topics discussed in the episodes are deeply personal and sensitive, which may be difficult for some people. We occasionally use mature language. We often use gender pronouns like “he” when discussing perpetrators and “she” for victims. While both and men and women can be abusive and controlling, and domestic abuse happens in straight and same-sex relationships, the most common situation, when it comes to coercive control, is a male perpetrator and a female victim. Men's abuse toward women is more closely associated with physical injury, fear and control. Similarly, very different expectations of men and women as parents and the focus of Safe & Together on children in the context of domestic abuse makes it impossible to make generic references to gender when it comes to parenting. The Model, through its behavioral focus on patterns of behavior, is useful in identifying and responding to abuse in all situations including same-sex couples and women's use of violence. We think our listeners are sophisticated enough to understand these distinctions.

    Season 2 Episode 23: Minisode on Worker Safety & Well Being: When Workers Are Survivors Themselves

    Season 2 Episode 23: Minisode on Worker Safety & Well Being: When Workers Are Survivors Themselves

    In this fourth installment of the multi-part minisode series on worker safety and well-being, Ruth and David explore when workers are being targeted by their own perpetrator, and the implications for the workplace.   In a just over  20 minutes , David & Ruth discuss: 
    David's history with worker personal disclosures about their own victimization How workers going through the Safe & Together Model training are seeing their own experience reflected in the materialHow agencies are using the Safe & Together Model to identify employees whose performance is suffering due to abuse and provide them with greater support In the middle part of the minisode, David and Ruth discuss perpetrator behaviors that target the workplace including: 
    Behaviors that cause survivors to miss time at work like taking the car or stopping her from leaving or making her worried the children will be unsafe if she leave Unwanted, often repeated calls to the workplace, showing up at work Stalking and surveillance behaviors which may make it fearful for someone to be out in the communityAccusations of affairs if she meeting alone with male clientsWhen the professional works for agencies like child protection or the courts,  threats of calling the police or child protection may carry with it extra shame and fear of losing employment  . As result, survivors  may  may present as  with performance issues including missed days, lateness, being distracted or unable to focus at work; irritability with coworkers, and feelings of being overwhelmed. 
    In the final portion of the minisode, David & Ruth outline some strategies for agencies including: 
     Ensuring that any employee safety policy explicitly recognizes the connection between coercive control and employee performance, and how perpetrators target workers at worker as a powerful form of control.  Agencies needing to clearly articulates how it will support and respond to an employee who is experiencing domestic violence including how performance concerns will be handled sensitively and in context.Particularly important in agencies where a threat of a report creates fears for one's jobs and shame, any workplace policy needs to be clear about how survivors confidentiality amongst her peers will be safeguarded, e.g. specialized process for handling informationWhen the perpetrator is a fellow employee, the consequences for abusive behavior must be clear. The agency policy must work to be responsive to the needs of survivors, e.g. reassignment to a different area or rotation of schedule to respond to threats of stalking that may impeding performance or safety;Communication of this policy must shared proactively on a regular basis so that survivors have the information they need to protect themselves from threats against their job Train supervisors, managers, and HR around handling these items consistently with policy, including training to always consider domestic violence victimization as one of the possible reasons for poor performanceInstitute a flex policy that supports workers in their ability to attend court for protection order hearings, criminal cases ,and family matters when domestic violence is involved. About the  worker safety and well-being minisode series   
    The goal of the series is to address the critical issues of worker safety and well-being as a critical aspect of domestic violence-informed systems. This is a series for frontline staff across child protection, mental health and addiction, courts and other systems. We hope it will v
    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our fully virtual Europe/North America Safe & Together Model Conference .  Go to our website and check out our events page to learn more and to register. 

    • 23 min
    Season 2 Episode 22: Minisode on Worker Safety & Well Being: The Connection Between Worker Safety and Victim Blaming

    Season 2 Episode 22: Minisode on Worker Safety & Well Being: The Connection Between Worker Safety and Victim Blaming

    In this third installment of the multi-part minisode series on worker safety and well-being, Ruth and David explore the connection between worker safety and victim blaming.   In a just over  15 minutes , David & Ruth discuss: 
    How a lack of knowledge of how fathers' choices impact families and engagement skills with men hamper  work with violent fathers How these gaps can be worse for fathers from communities where racism has led to the further vilification of men, as being dangerous, irresponsible, or irrelevantHow this lack of knowledge, skills and confidence can lead to workers feeling unsafe about engaging fathers who have been violent, which leaves the worker to focus on survivors' choices as means to keep children safeVictim blaming results when the survivor doesn't act in accordance with agency wishesIn the second half of the minisode, David and Ruth outline some steps agencies can take including:  
    Training  workers to have the skills and confidence to assess the influence of all father’s choices on the family functioning- not just seeing the mum as the responsible for the functioning of the home. Training workers in the skills and confidence to engage fathers , even ones with histories of violencePrioritize whole- of- family work including incorporation in to reflective supervisionRequire regular conversations about worker emotional and physical  safety in domestic violence cases as a regular, proactive part  of supervisionCreate a culture where workers know that expressing safety worries is normal, and  that they will be supported around strategies for safety, not judged for disclosing fearsEnsure that domestic violence case are  explicitly mentioned in any worker safety policy About the  worker safety and well-being minisode series   
    The goal of the series is to address the critical issues of worker safety and well-being as a critical aspect of domestic violence-informed systems. This is a series for frontline staff across child protection, mental health and addiction, courts and other systems. We hope it will validate their experiences. This is also a series for human resources managers and organizational leadership. Setting policies and procedures to address worker emotional & professional safety in the context of domestic violence cases is essential to creating a domestic violence-informed agency.
    Topics in the series include:
    When workers are targeted by the perpetrator of one of the clientsThe connection between worker safety in engaging perpetrators and mother-blaming practice.When workers are being targeted by their own perpetrator (through the workplace and at home)When workers own experience of abuse are triggered by their work with familiesManaging your own fears, as the worker, about the safety of the family.Listen to the introduction to the series
    Read the Safe & Together Institute’s white paper on worker safety
    Take an online course on worker safety related to domestic violence


    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our fully virtual Europe/North America Safe & Together Model Conference .  Go to our website and check out our events page to learn more and to register. 

    • 16 min
    Season 2 Episode 21: Minisode Series on Worker Safety & Well-Being: When workers are targeted by the perpetrator

    Season 2 Episode 21: Minisode Series on Worker Safety & Well-Being: When workers are targeted by the perpetrator

    In this second installment of the multi-part minisode series on worker safety and well-being, Ruth and David explore the important topic of workers being targeted by domestic violence perpetrators.   In a few minutes , David & Ruth discuss different ways   workers are targeted including:
    Manipulation,  intimidation  and bullying Threats  of or actual lawsuits and  complaints lodged with managers, professional boards,  or courts  Implied or real threats against family members Stalking (online or in real life)Ruth  & David also discuss how  misogyny, racism or other forms of discrimination can be factors in the targeting of workers.  
    David  & Ruth finish the brief episode with specific suggestions about basic safety and support strategies that agencies can put in place to respond to the behaviors of perpetrators.  These include: 
    Explicitly widen out the concept of worker safety to include intimidation, manipulation, not just explicit threats or acts of  violenceMake this wider definition of worker safety a regular part, preventative (not reactive)  supervision in casesEnsure that staff that handle client  complaint  or review boards are educated around coercive control and pattern based assessmentsPerformance reviews and human resources procedures  need to be consider the impact of threats and intimidation  on a worker's performance      About the  worker safety and well-being minisode series   
    The goal of the series is to address the critical issues of worker safety and well-being as a critical aspect of domestic violence-informed systems. This is a series for frontline staff across child protection, mental health and addiction, courts and other systems. We hope it will validate their experiences. This is also a series for human resources managers and organizational leadership. Setting policies and procedures to address worker emotional & professional safety in the context of domestic violence cases is essential to creating a domestic violence-informed agency.
    Topics in the series include:
    When workers are targeted by the perpetrator of one of the clientsThe connection between worker safety in engaging perpetrators and mother-blaming practice.When workers are being targeted by their own perpetrator (through the workplace and at home)When workers own experience of abuse are triggered by their work with familiesManaging your own fears, as the worker, about the safety of the family.Listen to the introduction to the series
    Read the Safe & Together Institute’s white paper on worker safety
    Take an online course on worker safety related to domestic violence



    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our fully virtual Europe/North America Safe & Together Model Conference .  Go to our website and check out our events page to learn more and to register. 

    • 14 min
    Season 2 Episode 20: Minisode Series on Worker Safety & Well-Being: Intro to the series

    Season 2 Episode 20: Minisode Series on Worker Safety & Well-Being: Intro to the series

    In the kickoff of their first ever minisode series, David & Ruth  will introduce the theme of  worker safety and well-being in the context of working on issues related to domestic violence. The goal of the series is to address the critical issues of worker safety and well-being as a critical aspect of domestic violence informed systems. 
     Since the inception of the Model, it has been central to  know the perpetrators pattern, not only as it related to  domestic violence-informed work with the family,  but also as it related to the safety & efficacy of the worker. A worker, who is engaging a family where there is domestic violence, needs to know if perpetrator has a known pattern of violence or intimidation toward others outside the family. This is a basic domestic violence informed practice related to worker safety.  

    Since then our understanding of the organizational importance of addressing worker safety and well being has only grown.  Worker safety may impact 
    attrition and retentionworker mental and emotional healthworker performance  the safety and well-being of workers who are survivors themselves.As the Safe & Together Institute's work and our collaborations with Professor Cathy Humphreys has shown, when worker safety concerns go unaddressed child protection workers may be more blaming of survivors and hold perpetrators less accountable as parents out fear for their own safety;  
    This is a series for frontline staff across child protection, mental health and addiction, courts and other systems. We hope it will validate their experiences. This is also a  series for human resources managers and organizational leadership.  Setting policies and procedures to addresses worker emotional & professional safety in the context of domestic violence cases is essential to creating a domestic violence informed agency.  
     Topics in the series will include:
    ·      When workers are targeted by the perpetrator of one of the clients
    ·      The connection between worker safety in engaging perpetrators and mother-blaming practice. 
    ·      When workers are being targeted by their own perpetrator (through the workplace and at home)
    ·      When workers own experience of abuse are triggered by their work with families 
    ·      Managing your own fears, as the worker, about the safety of the family.

    We hope you join us for the other episodes.

    Read the Safe & Together Institute's white paper on worker safety

    Take an online course on worker safety related to domestic violence 
    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our fully virtual Europe/North America Safe & Together Model Conference .  Go to our website and check out our events page to learn more and to register. 

    • 15 min
    Season 2 Episode 19: Using the concepts of collaborative co-parenting to hold perpetrators more accountable in family court

    Season 2 Episode 19: Using the concepts of collaborative co-parenting to hold perpetrators more accountable in family court

    Many professionals mistakenly believe that concerns related to domestic violence evaporate once a relationship is over.  Survivors know differently.  Their experiences help us understand the ways that domestic violence perpetrators’ patterns of behaviors extend beyond the relationship. 
     In this episode, Ruth and David explore the nature of post separation coercive control and related topics. Ruth and David discuss:  
    ·      How post separation coercive control distinguishes through a heavy focus on “remote control’ abuse, abuse from a distance, using proxies to maintain and extend control; targeting and use of children; efforts to control the survivors’ parenting, and the use and targeting of finances. 
    ·      How post separation coercive control often involves new avenues and targets for manipulation, often centered around family court and child protection systems.  
    ·      How the risk assessment frameworks used by many professionals fails to capture harm to children and the omnipresent influence of coercive control in the post separation period-regardless of whether there have been recent acts of violence or not.
    ·      How one of the main factors used by courts for assessing the fitness of a parent-their willingness and ability to co parent-can be used to increase accountability for perpetrators as parents: when post separation coercive controlling patterns of behaviors are taken into consideration and mapped as parenting choices & are considered an impediment to healthy & safe co parenting.
    Toward the end of the episode, Ruth passionately describes how systems take survivors’ disclosures and “hurt us with them”, and how this can be more harmful than the abuse itself.  David asks professionals to reflect on the ways that survivors are vulnerable to post separation coercive control by virtue of our collective lack of awareness & appropriate responses to this form of abuse. 
     Listen to related episodes of Partnered with A Survivor
    Season 2 Episode 14: How to perpetrator proof custody & access processes
    Season 2 Episode 12: How coercive control harms child safety & wellbeing: An interview with researcher Dr. Emma Katz
    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our fully virtual Europe/North America Safe & Together Model Conference .  Go to our website and check out our events page to learn more and to register. 

    • 1 hr 5 min
    Season 2 Episode 18: Multiple Pathways To Harm: An assessment approach that better mirrors the lived experience of survivors

    Season 2 Episode 18: Multiple Pathways To Harm: An assessment approach that better mirrors the lived experience of survivors

    Phrases like "child witness to violence" or "children exposed to violence" only capture a small slice of how domestic violence perpetrators' behaviors harm children.  Assessment frameworks based on these concepts  primarily emphasize the traumatic impact of the direct witnessing of acts of physical violence .  Coercive control teaches us that it is patterns of entrapping & controlling behaviors which deprive adult & child survivors their basic human rights including safety, well-being, and autonomy. The Safe & Together Institute uses a multiple pathways to harm framework which brings assessment processes into alignment with a coercive control framework.

    In this episode, David & Ruth discuss the multiple pathways to harm framework including:
    how it adds to the "child exposure" approachincreases accountability for perpetrators as parentsoperationalizes improved gender equality makes wider impacts of coercive control visible Related episodes
    Season 2 Episode 14: How to perpetrator proof custody & access processes

    Season 2 Episode 12: How coercive control harms child safety & wellbeing: An interview with researcher Dr. Emma Katz

    Season 2 Episode 8: “I spiraled down to a dark place:” An interview with a young survivor of officer-involved domestic violence and his Mum


    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our fully virtual Europe/North America Safe & Together Model Conference .  Go to our website and check out our events page to learn more and to register. 

    • 1 hr

Customer Reviews

4.8 out of 5
13 Ratings

13 Ratings

Edi Marie ,

Thank you!

This podcast is so needed! As a former victim I wish that the lawyers, judges, and DV center employees had had this type of awareness about abuse. You are doing such a service by addressing the pitfalls and biases around a subject people still have so much to learn about.

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