Screens & Kids – A Radical Vision of Balance No Title

Obviously, it is really tempting to want to give our phones and tablets to our kids because it gives them the perfect babysitter. They are completely taken care of and we can go on and have our adult conversations and do what we need to do. Parenting is so hard that we need breaks and so sometimes we have to do it, but in my cost benefit analysis, devices actually lead to more work on the parent’s part in the long term.

One of the best things that my wife and I decided to do when our child was quite young was to not allow her to use to any of our devices. We saw how many parents were struggling with their kids around access to their phones or tablets, and we didn’t want a child who sat at the restaurant on our phone, separate from us and the world around her. It wasn’t an easy path, but the results have been well worth it and in the end I think a lot less work for us.

A number of very famous people have chosen the same decision. Steve Jobs restricted his children's access to devices, as did Chris Anderson, the founder of Wired magazine. They read the research about how detrimental it is for children, but I’ve also heard them say they have a hard time hiring people who can think creatively. There are plenty of people who can use computers, but that engaging them at too early an age stops a child from learning how to think creatively for themselves. (Read more here.)

Another such professional was the founder of Broderbund Educational Software. Even though he’d spent his life developing products to help educate kids on computers, he saw that it was better for his kids not to use those computers and, instead, they supported their kids to find other ways to inhabit themselves and self-soothe.

So here are four things that you can do to support your child to have a device free life. Advice varies greatly depending upon your children’s age. Although these guidelines are designed for kids under about ten, they can easily be adapted and loosened if yours are older.

Step 1: Just Say No

The first one is obvious, but can seem impossible. Just say no. If you start young enough, it can be really easy. If on the other hand you are already several years in and they are used to having access to your device, it is difficult, but simply set the boundary. Tell them, "We have one more week and then we are going to stop using devices when we are together." They will protest and be upset, but once it is initiated, it will only be a few days of protest before they accept the limit and start to find a new way to be in the family. This adjustment period is full of discomfort, but I can't tell you how enjoyable the result is.

Step 2: Say Yes to Connection

The downside and really the upside is that we do have to be more available for our children if we are not going to pawn them off to devices. But that does not actually mean that we have to spend a lot more energy. Like I said, in my experience it actually leads to a child that needs less and struggles less with us.

They don’t need a lot of attention, but they do need focussed attention. This can be so hard in our current busy world. My favorite way to do this is to simply set a timer and completely give my attention to my child during those 10 minutes. I play with her however she wants to be played with. Following her lead and not bringing in my own agenda. Since it’s for only 10 minutes, I am able to keep the to-do lists at bay and just do the silly game over and over.

When you feed your child with good attention, then they learn to self-soothed and take care of themselves for longer periods of time. Yes, when they ask for attention it requires you to have to turn away from what you are doing. It is hard for me in that moment to turn away, but I am constantly reminding myself that my daughter will not be wanting my attention for very long.