13 min
Stop: Listen at Your Dependency Risk! tiny changes-Big Shift podcast
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- Entrepreneurship
Summary: What leads to self-doubt, fear and hesitation in relationships? Over-depending on others and not having a clear sense of self or the confidence to take care of you. Especially when taking care of you conflicts with what someone else wants. In this episode I share some of my own journey – mistakes and wins. If you relate to fear of not being good enough, fear you can’t make up for your past, or fear of missing out – we call that self-centered fear in the program – this show is for you. This fear can produce anxiety and grip tight, but you can learn to let it go.
I'm excited you're here and thank you for listening. Welcome to Episode 27 – Stop - Listen at Your Dependency Risk. That is a bold statement to make, "my dependency risk."
You may feel one of two things. One, "I'm not dependent. What are you talking about?" Or two, "Yes, I know I am hopelessly dependent." In response to the first, "I'm not dependent," yes, you are. We all are. We depend on air to breathe, food to power our bodies, and people in our life to partner with for various reasons. You're dependent on your grocer to process your meat, (who wants to do that, right?) truckers to transport your supplies and merchants to sell you goods and services. I took all that for granted, but it's true.
If you had the second response, "Yes, I'm hopelessly dependent. I don't have a backbone to speak of. I accommodate others over myself and couldn't ask for a need to be met if I could even identify it. I'm so used to being invisible, I can barely see myself."
What does this have to do with living the life you dream of? Most of us live between these two extremes. We resist healthy dependencies or deny them, or we over-rely on others to do for us what we can do for ourselves. I am here to tell you; I've spent a fair amount of time visiting both extremes. Here's the experience I had.
I got clean and sober and right behind that came my unrealistic dependency on others to meet my needs and provide my happiness. Both my parents were alcoholics, and my mom also had a gambling problem, so faulty forms of dependency were definitely modeled for me. In new recovery-- and remember I was 21, I turned 22 2 months after I got clean and sober. In new recovery, I made a lot of mistakes and many of the same ones we all make.
I made decisions I wasn't ready for out of fear. Fear of missing out, fear of not making up for my past, fear of not being good enough after all. How that showed up for me is I depended on others that didn't have the resources to be there for me. Then, I got stuck in the loop of forcing myself to accept unacceptable behavior, to make excuses for myself and others, for not making waves, not speaking up, not making clear choices to take care of myself.
I became smaller and smaller, angrier and angrier, and I stuffed it - along with depressed, sad, and lonely. I looked for validation outside myself, and even when that was present, I discounted it and explained it away out of self-doubt. I never had a strong sense of self, and I lost touch with what I had learned in new recovery. I married my second husband who I met while he was in a halfway house and who was smoking pot when I was a year and a half clean. I maintained my sobriety and being clean throughout that marriage, which lasted eight years.
I already had a daughter, and I had three more children during that eight-year time span, and my fifth and last child was born two months after I ended the relationship. So I know about dependency and being miserable when clean and not being able to accept the simple fact that who I'm married didn't have the personal resources to be present because he was ill. And that it was okay for me to take care of myself.
Why would I get married and stay for eight years? One, I lacked the clear sense of self. Even after working the Steps, having a sponsor, and going to three to five meetings a week, which I continued throughout that relationship.
I had experiences
Summary: What leads to self-doubt, fear and hesitation in relationships? Over-depending on others and not having a clear sense of self or the confidence to take care of you. Especially when taking care of you conflicts with what someone else wants. In this episode I share some of my own journey – mistakes and wins. If you relate to fear of not being good enough, fear you can’t make up for your past, or fear of missing out – we call that self-centered fear in the program – this show is for you. This fear can produce anxiety and grip tight, but you can learn to let it go.
I'm excited you're here and thank you for listening. Welcome to Episode 27 – Stop - Listen at Your Dependency Risk. That is a bold statement to make, "my dependency risk."
You may feel one of two things. One, "I'm not dependent. What are you talking about?" Or two, "Yes, I know I am hopelessly dependent." In response to the first, "I'm not dependent," yes, you are. We all are. We depend on air to breathe, food to power our bodies, and people in our life to partner with for various reasons. You're dependent on your grocer to process your meat, (who wants to do that, right?) truckers to transport your supplies and merchants to sell you goods and services. I took all that for granted, but it's true.
If you had the second response, "Yes, I'm hopelessly dependent. I don't have a backbone to speak of. I accommodate others over myself and couldn't ask for a need to be met if I could even identify it. I'm so used to being invisible, I can barely see myself."
What does this have to do with living the life you dream of? Most of us live between these two extremes. We resist healthy dependencies or deny them, or we over-rely on others to do for us what we can do for ourselves. I am here to tell you; I've spent a fair amount of time visiting both extremes. Here's the experience I had.
I got clean and sober and right behind that came my unrealistic dependency on others to meet my needs and provide my happiness. Both my parents were alcoholics, and my mom also had a gambling problem, so faulty forms of dependency were definitely modeled for me. In new recovery-- and remember I was 21, I turned 22 2 months after I got clean and sober. In new recovery, I made a lot of mistakes and many of the same ones we all make.
I made decisions I wasn't ready for out of fear. Fear of missing out, fear of not making up for my past, fear of not being good enough after all. How that showed up for me is I depended on others that didn't have the resources to be there for me. Then, I got stuck in the loop of forcing myself to accept unacceptable behavior, to make excuses for myself and others, for not making waves, not speaking up, not making clear choices to take care of myself.
I became smaller and smaller, angrier and angrier, and I stuffed it - along with depressed, sad, and lonely. I looked for validation outside myself, and even when that was present, I discounted it and explained it away out of self-doubt. I never had a strong sense of self, and I lost touch with what I had learned in new recovery. I married my second husband who I met while he was in a halfway house and who was smoking pot when I was a year and a half clean. I maintained my sobriety and being clean throughout that marriage, which lasted eight years.
I already had a daughter, and I had three more children during that eight-year time span, and my fifth and last child was born two months after I ended the relationship. So I know about dependency and being miserable when clean and not being able to accept the simple fact that who I'm married didn't have the personal resources to be present because he was ill. And that it was okay for me to take care of myself.
Why would I get married and stay for eight years? One, I lacked the clear sense of self. Even after working the Steps, having a sponsor, and going to three to five meetings a week, which I continued throughout that relationship.
I had experiences
13 min