tiny changes-Big Shift podcast vickidawn consulting & coaching LLC

Summary: Toi B James and I explore her book “Talk About It.” Toi gives a 12-step process to help move the most difficult conversation forward. She gives us insight into a process that works. I appreciated the book and the dignity that it can give you in approaching these situations that can challenge the best of us. We all have them, after all.
Vickidawn: Our episode today is Number 30, Having Difficult Conversations. My guest is Toi B James author of Talk About It - 12 Steps to Transformational Conversations, Even When you Disagree. Can you tell us a little bit more about your book, a little bit about you, what you do?
Toi: Sure. The book talks about - it really is a practical guide that people can use to have difficult conversations. When we say courageous conversations, this book really gives you 12 steps based on coaching techniques. As a certified coach, we are trained to actively listen, hold space for people in a real way, navigate difficult conversations. The book really gives readers practical tools. As far as my background, I am the founder and Chief Impact Officer of RedInk Enterprises, which is a boutique DEI&B, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging Firm that specializes in inclusive communications and engagements.
Vickidawn: Thank you. Well, thank you for being here and I'm excited for our show topic today. We all have those conversations that are difficult. We get stuck repeating the same conversation. I know my husband and I spent some years doing that, revisiting them and we could almost write the script. And some topics also are so uncomfortable, we just don't know how to move them forward. Maybe a work relationship or a family situation. Your book, I found really valuable in that way because it does give you such a nice framework to go deeper. I appreciate it so much.
Toi: Thank you so much.
Vickidawn: You share in your book that you've had uncomfortable moments when others were insensitive in their comments around race. Some people would just wait for others to just get it, but this book is very proactive and empowering. What allowed you to develop the 12 steps to transformative conversations?
Toi: Yes. In the intro of the book is a story about a friend of mine, Masud Olufani, who's an artist who was talking to a gentleman after a performance that depicts the selling of enslaved people here in Atlanta. After the presentation or after the performance, which was amazing, an older white gentleman walked up to him and said, "Why are we still talking about this?" Although I couldn't really hear everything - I wanted to - I was trying - I monitored the body language and the patience in the active listening and how he kept the door open for understanding for the both of them. After the conversation, I fast forward a couple of weeks I met with him. I was like, how did that go? How did you do that?
That would've paralyzed me because at the time, so much was happening in the country that was harmful and painful as a black woman to navigate in the world. Talking about race became very difficult because of course I've grown up seeing people harmed because of something they can't change. It's just unreasonable, quite frankly, racism is. When I met with my student, I was like, so what happened? He was like, "I gave him my number." I gave him a call to see if he wanted to continue the conversation. We did after some hesitation talk a little bit, I asked him if he would like to continue, can always call me and we can continue talking about what happens within the African American community, our history, why it's important to continue the conversation about our history.
He just kind of became my hero in that space. Fast forward, I received an email from a friend of mine who was like, "This would be good for you." It was information about Post Diversity Institute, which is where I was trained as a certified coach. I would have to say after that, I actually got my voice back because I understood that it's n

Lee Ellen and I discuss the destructive nature of letting the judge be in control of life. How it is an enticing, well-worn habit. The judge that came as a guest and stayed as a permanent saboteur. Letting that go takes conscious effort, it doesn’t disappear by magic. The rewards are amazing!
Vickidawn: I'll start by saying welcome to episode 29 of tiny changes-Big Shift podcast, Kick the Judge to the Curb. I'm excited to have you here, Lee Ellen.
Lee Ellen: Well, thank you. It's nice for you to have me.
Vickidawn: Do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself?
Lee Ellen: In what capacity? Let's see.
Vickidawn: Well, you make jewelry.
Lee Ellen: Oh, yes. Yes, I do. I make jewelry and I am a retired mortgage officer and an office manager and a loan closer. I haven't worked for over 11 years, and I have been a sober person for over 14 years.
Vickidawn: Yes. Just recently you had a birthday. That's so exciting.
Our topic is judgment of yourself, of others, of circumstances, or in the language of our program - people, places, and things. Our judge formed in childhood, as we know, and that's where we absorbed others' opinions and maybe their worldview and incorporated them into our own. Some of them worked and many of them limit us.
The biggest way the judge, I name mine the janky judge with an ensemble of characters that I call the hater-aid crew, is - It tells me I can't, I'm not smart enough, I don't have enough experience, and this stops me from expressing my gifts because it stops me from taking on new things - unless I really drag myself by the ear and say, "Come on, you're doing it." Right?
Lee Ellen: Right.
Vickidawn: There is the obvious, of course, the judge that's hard on us. How does your judge show up Lee Ellen?
Lee Ellen: Well, my judge shows up-- It's always been there. It's been there since I was young. I have always felt judged by family. I think it showed up as I wasn't ever good enough. I had an older sister who was extremely smart. She was always thin. She was always outgoing, and she was always popular, and I just couldn't compete with that. It was started then, and then pretty soon I quit trying.
I myself felt like it didn't matter, I would never be good enough. Not only was I being judged or felt like I was being judged, I judged myself and then I started judging other people. My judge showed up all the time. I lived with the judge. I was the judge. I was judged. Part of my life, it was pretty sad. I just thought that's the way life was.
Vickidawn: Yes. I think all of us were so acquainted because at some point the judge convinced us that it's our friend, that it's there to protect us to-- well, in my case, if I do it just perfect, then I am not subject to any judgment because you can't judge perfect, but perfect is such a high bar and I never could reach it and nobody can. I know you're in the program also, and you've worked the program and been diligent about that and done what you needed to do there and still, the judge is present. Were you aware even well into your recovery that you had that judge living there?
Lee Ellen: No, I didn't until later in the program after working my steps. In fact, I didn't even know what boundaries were. I had no boundaries, and I grew up in a family with 10 kids and there couldn't be boundaries. Nobody knew what a boundary was. But also, I didn't know how to think nicely of other people. I judged them quietly in my mind and I never thought anything was wrong with that. It was a terrible thing when I found out that, boy, I thought in my mind all the time about somebody when I would see them on the street, when they would walk in my office, when they left my office. I thought that's what they were doing with me is judging me in that way.
When I got into the program and found that, no, that's not how people are that they're loving and kind. Somebody said to me once, "Why do you always say such horrible things about people?" I thought, "Well, doesn't ev

Summary: Amanda and I talk about regret – operating over it and missing opportunities and how to connect with what we value. We talk about forgiveness and compassion for others, and how our own motivations can be buried and that leads us to blame others. Amanda supports mothers through her Daily Dance facebook page, and gives them permission to fail forward.
Vicki: Hello, Amanda. So glad to have you here with me today.
Amanda: Hi, Vicki. I'm excited to be here today.
Vicki: My guest today is Amanda D. She's that real estate mama and founder of The Daily Dance, a journey and exploration of motherhood transformation and failing forward. I love that. I want to talk about that a little bit. She is a first-time mom at 40, entrepreneur, realtor, podcaster, reinventor, village creator, and mom supporter. She's committed to creating connection, freedom, and the courage to fail. Welcome, Amanda.
Amanda: Hi, Vicki. Thanks.
Vicki: The courage to fail, I love that.
Amanda: That was something I have been asking a lot of people and had to ask myself once I became a mom, what's my vision or anybody else's vision of motherhood and what that is personally and what I wanted. The thing that kept coming up for me, and I heard it coming up for other people too, was passing on the courage to fail to their kids, and really it came out as, I want my kids to not be afraid to try things. I want them to be who they are, to explore.
It just kept coming to me as, it's having the courage to fail, going for the experience and trying and not getting hung up on whatever result comes up or--
Vicki: Right, or in our society, trying to cover up our mistakes, cover up a failing because what will people think? How would they view us? It's not okay. All of that. I love that, that challenges that right in the face of, let's just have the courage to fail and fall down, pick up the pieces and move on instead of act like, oh my God, that shouldn't have happened, or why did that happen?
Amanda: I was going to add to that. It's also something I've learned from watching my son and realized that our natural state is to do that. If you watch a little kid learning to walk, they don't get up and do it right the first time. They don't get up and do it right the first 100 times. Each time they get a little further and not once do you see little kids start to get down on themselves. They might get a little frustrated, but they just keep going until they get it.
We as adult onlookers, we just know and assume that they will and encourage them to keep going. Yet somehow, as we age, it gets lost, or it suddenly seems like something we as adults are no longer allowed to do.
Vicki: I love your reference to the tiny stages. Each time they get a little further because that's often in life, we focus on the big results and forget to pay attention to the lots of little things that we did to make that happen.
Our show today is episode 28, Are You Operating Over Regrets? We had a conversation last week where you mentioned that you don't really experience regret today. You've reclassified if you ever felt regret. The focus is - I've learned something from all my mistakes and all the places where I might have fell short or felt others fell short. Do you mean that you don't feel guilt, shame, remorse, or sorrow, but may have situations where you wish they would've turned out differently, or are you pretty much, nope, everything turned out the way it should have?
Amanda: I'm a human being. I most certainly have felt all of those things, guilt, shame, remorse, sorrow, especially in the moment. It's really hard to be regret-free in the moment or the moment right after something. What I mean by that is that I relate this idea of regret - for some reason, when I hear the word regret, I think what would I want to do over? Earlier in life, I think what came up for me was nothing. I just don't even want to go back there.
Whatever it was, there was this, you know what? At least where

Summary: What leads to self-doubt, fear and hesitation in relationships? Over-depending on others and not having a clear sense of self or the confidence to take care of you. Especially when taking care of you conflicts with what someone else wants. In this episode I share some of my own journey – mistakes and wins. If you relate to fear of not being good enough, fear you can’t make up for your past, or fear of missing out – we call that self-centered fear in the program – this show is for you. This fear can produce anxiety and grip tight, but you can learn to let it go.
I'm excited you're here and thank you for listening. Welcome to Episode 27 – Stop - Listen at Your Dependency Risk. That is a bold statement to make, "my dependency risk."
You may feel one of two things. One, "I'm not dependent. What are you talking about?" Or two, "Yes, I know I am hopelessly dependent." In response to the first, "I'm not dependent," yes, you are. We all are. We depend on air to breathe, food to power our bodies, and people in our life to partner with for various reasons. You're dependent on your grocer to process your meat, (who wants to do that, right?) truckers to transport your supplies and merchants to sell you goods and services. I took all that for granted, but it's true.
If you had the second response, "Yes, I'm hopelessly dependent. I don't have a backbone to speak of. I accommodate others over myself and couldn't ask for a need to be met if I could even identify it. I'm so used to being invisible, I can barely see myself."
What does this have to do with living the life you dream of? Most of us live between these two extremes. We resist healthy dependencies or deny them, or we over-rely on others to do for us what we can do for ourselves. I am here to tell you; I've spent a fair amount of time visiting both extremes. Here's the experience I had.
I got clean and sober and right behind that came my unrealistic dependency on others to meet my needs and provide my happiness. Both my parents were alcoholics, and my mom also had a gambling problem, so faulty forms of dependency were definitely modeled for me. In new recovery-- and remember I was 21, I turned 22 2 months after I got clean and sober. In new recovery, I made a lot of mistakes and many of the same ones we all make.
I made decisions I wasn't ready for out of fear. Fear of missing out, fear of not making up for my past, fear of not being good enough after all. How that showed up for me is I depended on others that didn't have the resources to be there for me. Then, I got stuck in the loop of forcing myself to accept unacceptable behavior, to make excuses for myself and others, for not making waves, not speaking up, not making clear choices to take care of myself.
I became smaller and smaller, angrier and angrier, and I stuffed it - along with depressed, sad, and lonely. I looked for validation outside myself, and even when that was present, I discounted it and explained it away out of self-doubt. I never had a strong sense of self, and I lost touch with what I had learned in new recovery. I married my second husband who I met while he was in a halfway house and who was smoking pot when I was a year and a half clean. I maintained my sobriety and being clean throughout that marriage, which lasted eight years.
I already had a daughter, and I had three more children during that eight-year time span, and my fifth and last child was born two months after I ended the relationship. So I know about dependency and being miserable when clean and not being able to accept the simple fact that who I'm married didn't have the personal resources to be present because he was ill. And that it was okay for me to take care of myself.
Why would I get married and stay for eight years? One, I lacked the clear sense of self. Even after working the Steps, having a sponsor, and going to three to five meetings a week, which I continued throughout that relationship.
I had experiences

Summary: As a woman in recovery from addiction for 45 years I know about self-doubt, fear and hesitation. This session explores common feelings and struggles in long term sobriety that women can feel embarrassed to admit, but once they do and shift their perceptions – the results are amazing. They experience happiness, joy, independence and confidence, and renewed interest in their relationships.
Hi, everyone. Self-doubt, fear, and hesitation versus confidence, trust, and taking bold action. Do you find yourself almost crippled by self-doubt sometimes? I know I have. How does it show up for you? Do you have conversations with your partner, and you know they're lying, but you doubt yourself? Do you notice that your boss said they support you? Of course, they do - but didn't take action to protect you from that office bully you talk to them about - and then you doubt yourself.
Do you promise yourself you will exercise and diet and hesitate at that moment of implementation telling yourself, I don't know how - it's too hard? Do you often listen to the words you and others speak and when the actions don't match - you doubt yourself and stop short of acknowledging that what they are doing is the real story? Action does speak louder than words, but not to us. Our words of doubt are so loud. We can't hear the action.
Today's show is how women in recovery from alcoholism or drugs show up in relationships with others and themselves that stops their spiritual growth, so get your coffee, sit back and let's get started.
I'm talking to you if you've been in recovery for a number of years, you've worked the steps, you go to meetings, you do all the other things that maintains your sobriety. You've cleared that wreckage from your past, and you had that spiritual experience, knowing that you are free from the debilitating compulsion to use.
You've rebuilt your life, repaired relationships, you have a stable job or a lifestyle of choice that allows you to remain clean. And you know there's more. You don't know what. You feel restless sometimes, or you've had a setback in relationships or with your finances. You go through the steps again, you talk about it with your sponsor, again. You pray about it. You turn it over; you keep doing the things that you do.
You've fallen into overthinking, tolerating, and adjusting, but you don't have words to describe it till now.
I've been there. I've been in recovery for 45 years and I love what the program has done for me. I'm grateful for my growth. I've been in Al-Anon for just about as long, so I'm a double winner, and I believe that's true. I'd often be trying so hard and come to this empty place inside where I didn't know what to do. I kept doing what I was doing. It wasn't giving me the happiness and freedom I wanted, but it was better than going back to using.
Can you relate? If so, you suffer from what I now know is a powerful judge, a judge that interprets all your experiences through a faulty lens.
I've learned that I don't know what I don't know. I don't know the questions to ask. I don't know how to achieve the happiness I see in others I compare myself to, and that really showed up in relationships for me.
I was married once while using and divorced right before I got clean, actually. The second time I was clean just over a year. Then again, I married for the third time when I was clean 21 years. We're still together, 24 years later while it's been a bumpy ride sometimes and not perfect, I wouldn't trade a day of it.
In between that second and third marriage, I was a single parent with five kids for 11 years. During that time, I went through several cycles of meeting someone, starting a relationship, and having it all fall apart. The longest, I think was 3 years. I would go from hopeful to crushed, full of despair, beating myself up, hating myself, wondering what I did wrong, what was wrong with me?
This pain-filled cycle felt punishing and further fueled my self-doubt. Two thin

Summary: Empowerment is made up of acceptance, trust, courage, humility and being open. These ways of being bring clarity and allow me to feel confident and take bold action. Empowerment is not control, it is letting control go and seeking for the outcome that will happen if I try to control or not. If you feel powerless check if you are over identifying with a personality trait. Stop saying I am and say I’m experiencing instead.
Hello and welcome to Episode 25, Empowerment. This is a fascinating topic. I'm excited you're here, and thank you so much for listening. What is empowerment? What's the goal? Why do we want to feel empowered? Anyway, for me, the goal of empowerment is to feel strong and secure enough and safe so that I know that whatever is going on in my life I can handle it. I can feel confident, and I can cope. I want to be stable, resilient, and when life's challenges come, which they do, I want to be able to face them with some equanimity.
Is empowerment the same as control? No. I assert control when I feel the most powerless. The more powerless I feel, the more I try to control that person, place, or thing, that something in my life that I find unacceptable. This can lead me to manipulation, trying to control that person, place, or thing, trying to stop something from happening. It's an effort to protect myself from failure, disappointment, getting hurt, and it's natural. I want to stress that I think this is very natural, and it's our first fallback position. It may even work in the short term, but it's never the way to build the connections that I really want, and it's not the best place to make decisions from.
For example, I recently wanted to control the outcome of a decision in a committee that I belong to, and it was about control. I wanted to be right that the company I wanted to hire was the best company and the other committee members wanted to hire somebody else. When I felt that impulse to control, I paused and checked inside and said, "How important is it?" In this case, it wasn't that important. I want to say sometimes it is, but in this case, it wasn't. That outcome of that decision didn't reflect on me as a person at all because in that case, I didn't need to be the smartest or know the best choice, I can let the group decide.
What stops empowerment? When I come from my ego or when I believe my identity in my changing emotions or circumstances is who I am, over-identifying with a personality trait or belief. For example, if I say, and I've done this a lot in my life, if I say I'm an anxious person when it comes to money, I get anxious when my finances are low, I can't help it. It's just who I am.
If you listen carefully, what I'm saying is a lot of negatives. I'm telling myself I can't help it. I'm telling myself that being anxious is me. It's who I am. It's an excuse to become anxious when my finances are low.
These comments cause me to focus on my anxiety, then I feel like I'm in crisis. The finance problem is too big to handle, and my thinking and feelings continue to spiral out to control. I pull away from my partner. I worry. I become convinced I can't be happy until this situation is over.
What happens if I were to focus on the solution instead and tell myself I am experiencing anxiety about my finances. Words are important. Words put a distance between me, my identity, and my experience of anxiety. Experience is something that passes. Who I am is a part of me. If that's my position - I am an anxious person, then I argue to be right about it and no one can tell me any different.
I can even say, "I don't want to be anxious about this," but I still will unconsciously argue to be right that I am an anxious person. It's part of our human condition to find meaning in events, so be careful what meaning you assign to who you are. Be careful of how you describe you. Try saying, "This is an experience." I can do the same with anger, depression, fear. The more I over-identify with a speci