36 episodes

Covert narcissistic abuse crushes one's soul. This podcast is devoted to understanding covert narcissistic abuse, its effect on the victims, and how to heal. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support

The Covert Narcissism Podcast Renee Swanson

    • Society & Culture
    • 4.8 • 95 Ratings

Covert narcissistic abuse crushes one's soul. This podcast is devoted to understanding covert narcissistic abuse, its effect on the victims, and how to heal. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support

    Episode 5 - How do We Turn the Survival Skills Off

    Episode 5 - How do We Turn the Survival Skills Off

    So how do we build healthy relationships after being with a covert narcissist? How are these trauma responses affecting us still? How do we turn them off?

    Our trauma responses to an abusive environment are survival skills and natural instincts under threatening circumstances. They range from physical outbursts of yelling and throwing things to internal reactions of shutting down and internalizing everything. These learned behaviors affect our lives drastically and all of our relationships with others.

    Turning these survival tactics off is crucial to setting yourself up for a more relaxed life and healthy relationships. Learning to relax and trust life again are vital steps to break the cycle of abusive partners and to attract healthier people into your life. Here are some specific tools you need for this journey of healing!


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    • 23 min
    Episode 4 - The Survival Skills of a Covert Narcissist and Their Victim

    Episode 4 - The Survival Skills of a Covert Narcissist and Their Victim

    Have you ever wondered if you are the narcissist in this relationship? Maybe you have even been accused of it by your abusive partner? Have you seen glimpses within yourself of narcissistic reactions? 

    There are very distinct reasons that you see signs of narcissism in you or your children, and they have to do with the survival skills we have been discussing in this series. No, this does not make you a narcissist! I want to explain to you why you see this, what really is happening, and what to do about it. 

    Narcissism is a learned set of survival skills that becomes one’s entire personality and their way of interacting with their world. Let me explain what I mean. This covert narcissist in your life has put you into an environment where you, over time, begin living from your own survival skills. The trauma responses we have been talking about in this series. I will say again - these are normal and healthy responses to an abusive environment. 

    One large problem is that they look an awful lot like the survival skills that narcissists live by. They are just glimpses of it, not your entire being, but these glimpses can leave many victims confused and worried.


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    • 24 min
    Episode 3 - Tactical Responses to the Trauma of Abuse

    Episode 3 - Tactical Responses to the Trauma of Abuse

    Have you ever found yourself to be extremely defensive, feeling the need to protect yourself before anyone even attacks? How about having the burning need to be perfect so nothing ever goes wrong?

    When you are living in an abusive situation, physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, you develop survival tactics. As a human being, you are wired to protect yourself. This is normal!

    The tactical responses we have come from the drive to take the situation at hand and find ways to make it work. It is driven by the intense desire to fix this! You won’t give up on the relationship for whatever reason and are determined to survive this. You might even feel like you are then making it work. I am fixing this! But it isn’t sustainable!!

    Defensiveness and trying to be perfect create so many problems in our life and can haunt us as we try to move into future relationships. They work against healthy relationships and can leave you trapped in a cycle of abusive ones. Make a plan for stopping these trauma responses and regaining control of your life again!


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    Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support

    • 23 min
    Episode 2 - Internal Trauma Responses to Covert Abuse

    Episode 2 - Internal Trauma Responses to Covert Abuse

    Has your partner ever accused you of pulling away from the relationship? Of shutting down? Of being emotionally unavailable? Maybe you even feel that you are. Then you wonder if this is all your fault for not being engaged with them anymore. This is another example of reactive abuse or trauma response.

    My husband accused me of pulling away emotionally. I wanted to scream, Of course I’m pulling away! Even a child knows to pull away when they have been hurt over and over again. I was accused of not being emotionally available to him anymore. Of course I’m not!

    I had peeled open my heart and laid it at his feet repeatedly. And he had stomped all over it again and again. You want me to continue making myself available for that??? You can’t be serious? Do you really not understand this? Can you really not see why I pull away?

    After all the attempts I made at explaining this to him, I could not believe that he could stand there and tell me that I should be more emotionally available to him! You have got to be kidding me!

    Shutting down is a normal and common trauma response to an abusive environment. Don’t judge your responses. They are completely justified and understandable. Identify where they came from. An abusive environment. They are survival skills. But you don’t need these survival skills in a safe environment. As you learn more about them, you will begin the process of letting them go.


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    Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support

    • 23 min
    Episode 1 - Reactive Abuse: The Physical and Outward Reactions of Victims

    Episode 1 - Reactive Abuse: The Physical and Outward Reactions of Victims

    Episode 1 of a mini-series on reactive abuse and trauma responses. 

    Have you wondered about your own sanity in all of this? Have you reached the end of your limit and simply exploded. Now you are the one yelling and screaming at him? Am I the abusive one? Should they come take me away?

    Many victims have had these experiences and thoughts. You are not alone and you are not crazy!

    What you are experiencing is often called reactive abuse. Have you ever heard of this? Reactive abuse is the survival skills we build in an abusive relationship just to protect ourselves. We want the pain to stop. We have tried so many other avenues. We are exhausted and now we are out of options. So we become aggressive, like a cornered cat. These are simply reactions to our abusive environment and lack of ability to stop it.

    These can be emotional outbursts, yelling, screaming, even hitting. You have reached the end of your rope, just can’t take it anymore, and you explode. It can feel totally out of control and cause major issues for you as people now see you as the violent one.

    These reactions can also be much more internal. Shutting down, keeping your mouth shut, unwilling to voice your opinion, giving in, over-thinking, over-analyzing, trying to be perfect.

    They can even lie somewhere in the middle. Defensiveness, protecting yourself before anyone even attacks, explaining yourself when you don’t have to, anticipating problems way ahead and trying to divert them.

    All of these are trauma responses and reasonable reactions to an unreasonable situation.


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    Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support

    • 23 min
    How to Save Our Kids During a Traumatic Divorce with a Narcissist

    How to Save Our Kids During a Traumatic Divorce with a Narcissist

    Psychologist Dr. Erica Ellis joins us in this episode. She brings wonderful expertise regarding high conflict divorce and how to protect the children. Dr. Ellis is not only a licensed psychologist, but also a best-selling author, and a leading expert on child centered divorce. After working with over 1,000 divorcing families, many of which were high-conflict, over the past 30 years, she has discovered the crucial steps that every parent must take to protect their children and create a healthy future for their new family.

    For more information on her programs, click below:

    How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

    The 30-Day Divorce Triage

    With her unique approach to divorce, Dr. Ellis has helped countless families navigate the divorce process in a way that reduces conflict, stress, and uncertainty, and sets the children up for a lifetime of healthy relationships, emotional stability, and personal success.

    The questions addressed in this episode include:

    1)  From a psychological perspective, why is it important to understand the difference between a true narcissist vs a person whose behavior/emotions have significantly deteriorated during the stress of a marriage ending?

    2) Given how important it is to have realistic expectations for your narcissistic ex’s behavior, can you talk about why parenting itself poses such a challenge for them and how this tends to play out in their relationship with their children?

    3) All of those challenges often leave the other parent feeling totally hopeless, helpless, and lacking any ability to protect themselves and their children from any further emotional damage. Can you talk about this sense of powerlessness and your thoughts about how to help people get beyond it?

    4) I know that your main focus is on helping parents learn how to best protect their children from divorce-related damage. How is it possible to accomplish that goal when dealing with a narcissistic parent?

    For more information on her programs, click below:

    How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

    The 30-Day Divorce Triage


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    Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support

    • 24 min

Customer Reviews

4.8 out of 5
95 Ratings

95 Ratings

Carolinestwo ,

So insightful and helpful! Nails it!

This resonates so clearly! Renee explains it from both sides! It’s so hard to find information about the covert narcissist!!! Thank you!

Unused to Be a Fan ,

Confirmation

Wow. I am relieved to hear someone else tell my life story. For 28 years I have blamed myself and fought to try and keep my dysfunctional marriage in tact. Thinking it was all my fault because my professional manipulative husband was projecting all of his brokenness onto me. Thank you for helping me to remove the scales from my eyes. These real podcasts have changed my life. Thank you.

MorningGoosr ,

Finally!

Finally, someone who says how it really is!
Thank you for your voice! This is the most straightforward and raw material I needed to hear. Wow!

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