The Nuclear Families Evangelist Traci Dority-Shanklin

Don’t be a wrecking ball. Pour into your marriage and learn to separate feelings from truth. Heather Hetchler is a monthly columnist at Stepmom Magazine, a thought leader, and co-founder of Learning2Step, an online educational and empowerment program for blended families. Heather shares her blended family experiences and the advice that she’s learned along the way while reminding us to always be kind to ourselves.

Three Key Points
1.     Give everyone time to adjust. Just because two adults are healed, happy and healthy doesn’t mean the children are. Oftentimes, two people are dating and their kids are getting along and everything seems fine until you get married… She’s not baking snickerdoodles the way her mom did or we always had a real tree at Christmas time! A new stepmom should be understanding the grief and the loss that these kids are navigating but also give herself time to grieve the loss of the beautiful picture of the ideal blended family that she had in her head.
2.     Allow your stepchildren to have those mementos in their rooms or on the Christmas tree. It can be really difficult for kids to go back and forth between two homes. And sometimes, they want the comfort of that picture of your husband and their mother with them during happier times displayed prominently in their rooms. Learn to separate your feelings from the truth. The truth is he loves you and he’s your husband.
3.     Pour into your marriage. We join a family in progress. The reality is that the kids are going to grow up and move away. The waves are going to come because blending families is hard on a marriage. Make time to pour into your marriage because that’s a solid foundation. One of the greatest gifts we can give to our stepchildren, children or husband is the gift of modeling healthy habits and even the gift of modeling forgiveness.

Learning2Step.com
Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

The bond is different. Stepparents and parents see their children through different lenses and that’s perfectly normal. Laura Petherbridge, life coach and author of several books including 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom, shares her no-nonsense tips for the smart stepmom and the hardest things she had to overcome when she became a stepmother.

Three Key Points
1.     Laura explains that what she perceived as disrespectful behavior from her stepchildren towards their father triggered her own “daddy wound” of growing up in a blended family. Laura had to  discover that she was not her stepchildren’s parent. They already had one father and one mother, instead, she could be a mentor and a role model.
2.     Laura says that parents and stepparents see their children through different lenses. Stepparents see the child through the lens of responsibility such as I want this child to grow up to be responsible, or I want them to be a good person, or I want them to do well in school and in life. However, when a parent looks at their child, they see their children through the lens of love: I want this child to feel loved. I just want them to ooze love, and feel love from me. We need to stop pretending that this isn't true. The bond is different, and we need to recognize that it's perfectly normal for a stepparent and a parent to view the child differently. 
3.     Leniency is one of the most common issues Laura sees with stepfamilies that seek her out. The stepparent wants the biological father or mother to step up and set firmer boundaries with their own child. When Laura works with families, she looks to see if they’re teachable or “do they just want to be right.” You don’t always have to like Laura’s advice but if what you’ve been doing in the past hasn’t worked, then what do you have to lose?


Laura Petherbridge: Website
Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

Blended families are born out of loss. A stepfamily would not exist if there hadn’t been a death, a divorce, or a break-up of a previous relationship. Laura Petherbridge, a wife, stepmother, life coach, and published author of several books including The Smart Stepmom, joins Traci on the podcast. Laura explains how loss influences the stepfamily dynamic and the importance of addressing this loss in your own blended family.

Three Key Points:
1.     Laura highlights the importance of couples entering into blended families to address this key issue of loss for their children and stepchildren. 
2.    Laura explains how we must overcome the lie that loss is no big deal for kids and that they'll be perfectly fine with the new relationship of their parents. Just because the children aren't acting out does not mean that they aren't struggling. We've got to become educated in our understanding of what the child's brain and emotions are doing, so Laura recommends getting some resources to help understand what our children's brains experience when their biological family splits up. 
3.     Laura mentions a book written specifically for the child living between two homes called Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt. Elizabeth does a superb job of explaining what happens in the brain of the child who flips between one household for a period of time and then to a completely different dynamic in their second household. Even though it's an older book and doesn't contain all the technical stuff that today's kids are dealing with, it's still a great resource on the market because it explains it so well and gives the parents advice on what to do about it.

Laura Petherbridge: Website
Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

Our children's nervous systems are a carbon copy of ours. Understanding interpersonal neurobiology means what's going on inside the parents is also going on inside the child. If we want to calm our children, then we must first learn to calm our own nervous systems. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Sandy Gluckman shares tools with parents to heal themselves and their children of trauma, calm their nervous systems and reduce cortisol levels in order to de-flame the brain and rewire the belief system.

Three Key Points
·      Healing trauma means healing the nervous system. Dr. Sandy explains that children and adults living with trauma are functioning as survivors and not as “thrivers.” Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of parents and children are living life as survivors. Most people operate out of the wrong branch of the nervous system. To become whole again, we must change lanes out of the sympathetic into the parasympathetic.
·       Parents need to become trauma-informed and know the signs of trauma. Dr. Sandy would love for every parent in a blended family to say, “We’ve had trauma. We’ve all had trauma and we’re going to educate ourselves on what this means.” We cannot hide trauma or push it away. A child does not wake up one morning and say, “I’m going to be defiant today!”
·       A few little pieces of advice. Dr. Sandy advises parents to never talk about the behavior that you’re trying to improve. She prefers to get in behind the behavior and talk about what’s going on behind. Is the child being anxious, afraid, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, or confused? It’s important to connect with the child. Dr. Sandy suggests some resources and roleplay to help the child get over the trauma response in the nervous system.


Dr. Sandy Gluckman:       Website
Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

By 2020, 5.6 million children had been diagnosed with anxiety problems and 2.4 million had been diagnosed with depression. Many children are over-medicated, over-diagnosed and generally misunderstood. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Sandy Gluckman offers a medication-free option to help families heal from learning, behavioral and mood problems through her private coaching program, Parenting That Heals.

Three Key Points
·       Dr. Sandy shares her personal experience growing up “right brain” dominant and the stress it created for her of not feeling “good enough.” While she was earning her first degree in psychology, Dr. Sandy attended a lecture on the integration of left brain and right brain, which started her on her quest to save the next generation from being over-medicated, over-diagnosed and misunderstood.
·       Dr. Sandy explains the three most common root causes for children dealing with trauma. The first cause is these children have very high levels of stress hormones that flood their brains and bodies. The second cause is these children have a belief in a neuro-pathway in their brains about how they show up which results in a “not good enough” belief. The third cause is the parenting approach that is being used does not understand these children and what's going on inside of them. They are trying to fix it from the outside and do not know how to connect with the being of the child in a healthy way.
·       Dr. Sandy explains that the definition of trauma is much wider. Trauma is not the event. Interpersonal neurobiology was discovered by Dr. Daniel Siegel. Everything that's going on inside the parent’s nervous system is happening inside the child’s nervous system. We are energetically vibrating beings. Even teachers need to understand how they vibrate to the children will affect the children’s brains.


Resources Mentioned
·       Dr. Sandy Gluckman:       Website 
The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family  – 
by Karyn B. Purvis (Author), David R. Cross (Author), Wendy Lyons Sunshine  (Author)
Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

In this episode of the ‘Nuclear Families Evangelist’ (A podcast that debunks the mythologies and biology by exploring the dynamics and relationships in blended families), host Traci Dority-Shanklin (Managing Partner at Sisu Partners) talks with guests Heather Hetchler, a columnist at Stepmom Magazine, a wife, a mom, stepmom, a thought leader and a coach for blended families with learning to step at e-learning platform for blended families.
The second guest is Ed Vargo, who has over 20 years of experience in the Financial Services industry and is the Founder of Burning River Advisory Group (A Wealth Management Firm that specializes in working with women experiencing significant life events, divorce, retirement, widowhood, etc.). Ed is also the founder of ‘EnlightenHer’ (A new women’s first financial education and coaching company). 
Both the guests explain what financial infidelity is, and share their tips for blended families learning to communicate honestly and effectively about finances.
Three Key Points
1.     Heather says, financial infidelity explains the pain that a stepmom might feel if she realizes that her husband's been giving money to his kids or his ex and not telling her. She's already maybe feeling a little bit like an outsider. She’d encourage women to stop to acknowledge what may be going on, but not go and accuse their husbands like they’ve been financially cheating on them because we do have to sometimes stop. It doesn't make it right. But sometimes, we're all a product of our childhood of what we've been through, and many times men and we're just talking about this in the context of stepmoms and husbands but who do sometimes make choices to keep the peace.
2.     ED mentions that it’s not like they haven't made money but they haven't sat down together. They've just lived their life, and next year they wake up and it's like, “Oh, I'm on the doorstep of retirement”. That's why we had this big retirement crisis because typically, we find people that make enough money, they're just not connected enough to their money to be able to good with it and so, this structure allows them to be an accountability partner for each other.
3.     Ed advice to a blended family so they stay financially present. It's just a reiteration of staying connected, like starting with our values, understanding what's important to us, and then making sure we're putting that in front of ourselves in front of us on a regular basis. 

Resources Mentioned
·       Heather Hetchler: Instagram        Twitter
·       ED Vargo: EnlightenHer (Website)
Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com