The Rabbi and The Shrink Rabbi Yonason Goldson and Dr. Margarita Gurri, CSP

How does pleasure distract us from our own unhappiness?
How is social media designed to control our minds and behaviors?
What is the formula for good digital health and well-being?

Learn the answers to these and many other essential question when digital wellbeing expert Giancarlo Pitocco joins The Rabbi and the Shrink in this episode from the archives.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/gcpofnyc/
purposeful.co
1:00 We need to reclaim control of our lives from technology
Shift your attention from being hijacked by our devices
FB has been exploited and misused by unethical players to manipulate and serve their own agendas
Do you know how much time you’re spending in front of a screen?
4:30 We don’t know what happiness is.
Pleasure often distracts us from our own unhappiness.
If you’re not dependent on external factors for happiness, you’re in control of your life and live more fully
7:00  Is it good to be easily amused?
Being delighted by simple pleasures makes the experience of living richer.
Social media is designed to keep us consuming, almost but never quite satisfied.
11:00 Are you making your future self proud by what you’re doing now?
What happens when our lives become all about comfort, convenience, and stimulation?
The purpose of the game is to play the game; the purpose is the process
We’re living in the Roman Empire
14:00 What are you doing with your life if you don’t have aspirations and values?
Pushing the boundaries of comfort and familiarity keeps us growing and truly alive
“The obstacle is the way”
We can be navigators of our lives, or we can be carried on the current.
Prioritization give us control
19:00 The five stages of digital well being

1. Attention -- you want to be the DJ of your life by placing the needle where it should be
2. Values -- Evaluate how new technology affects your relationships, your work, and your attitudes
we can’t eliminate technology from our lives, but we can choose how to allow it in.Google “dark patterns” to learn the dangersSocial media is designed to make you addicted; they are selling your time and attention, turning you from a consumer into a commodity.“The Attention Merchants” by Tim Wu35:00

3. Boundaries -- without priorities, you never get to the important stuff
Don’t plug in your phone next to your bedBuy an alarm clock37:30

4. High quality leisure time
Unwind doing something projective and creativeSpend time with people39:00

5. Solitude -- learn to be with yourself
The fundamental value of self-discipline.
Easy and fun entertainment seduces us from doing what we know is in our best interest.
No one changes behavior without incentive.  That’s why a clear WHY is critical to our digital health.
44:45 The word of the day: dissilient -- bursting open or springing apart (Yiddish: plotz)
We should be living with so much enthusiasm welling up inside us that we don’t seek or respond to external distraction. 
47:00 Education can be merely a form of entertainment if it doesn’t lead to action.
Go into your phone and look at screen time or digital wellbeing and see how much time you’re spending on your device.
49:00  How would your life and relationships be healthier if you spent less time on technology?
What will you do or have you done to make a positive change in your life?

How do we nurture our passion when the world around us stands in our way?
What’s the difference between passion and indulgence?

How can employers increase passion?


These and other important questions are addressed when passion guru Kira Day joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.

https://thepassioncentre.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/kiraday/
1:00 What is the passion gap?
Too many people don’t care about their work
Confusing passion with mission sends us down the wrong path
Often we need to come from a place of darkness to appreciate light


4:30 Our pains become our passions, and tension produces balance
What is the Passion Test?
What are the internal and external drivers of passion?
Passion makes us better


9:00 The four passion buckets
What are the underlying reasons for our passions?
Internal -- natural interestsSocial environment -- connections and safetyFunctional -- support and developmentPsychological -- autonomy, mastery, purposeDifferent people can be passionate about the same thing for very different reasons


14:00 Why are we passionate about spectator sports?
Gladiatorial battle or hero’s journey?
If entertainment distracts us, does that make us less passionate?


18:00 What’s the difference between passion and indulgence?
Passion = meaning x investment
Purpose = passion shared
Overindulgence reveals imbalance


24:00 How can employers increase passion?
Care more!
Put more heart into a job by allowing people to be people… give them a reason to be loyal
You can’t buy loyalty with money but with meaning


28:00 Why do ethics produce passion?
Why is procrastination a gift?


31:00 Word of the day: Imputrescible
not liable to decomposition or putrefaction; incorruptible:
Keeping passionately alive ensures our spirit won’t putrefy and we won’t corrupt our core values
Passion is the lift inside of us which connects us to the world around us


34:00 How do we nurture our passion when the world around us stands in our way?
You -- obstacle -- passion
Believe in yourself and your purpose, then obstacles will move out of your way


39:00 With passion anything is possible
When in doubt, pretend to be you

What’s the difference between influence and manipulation?
How has COVID created the need for a new leadership breed?

How do you lead those who don’t want to take risks to do what’s right?

These and other fascinating questions are addressed when Judith Germain, the Mindful Maverick, joins the Rabbi and the Shrink in this archive episode..

https://www.linkedin.com/in/judithgermain/

https://themaverickparadox.com/


1:00 What is the Maverick Paradox?
What kind of leader will risk everything to do what’s right and give up everything to defend it?
Why do companies hire mavericks and then resent them?
You can be a maverick by personality or by vision
Maverick leader is who you are and what you actually do
Everyone can be a maverick leader


5:00 We all have the potential but we don’t all have the will
“Maverick leaders will swim upstream like a salmon even though they know there’s a bear waiting for them


7:30 How do you lead those who don’t want to take risks to do what’s right?
All of human experience is paradoxical
Leaders need to be consultants and promote an antifragile culture


12:00 How do we help mavericks grow?
The difference between extroverted mavericks and introverted mavericks
Patience is a learned trait
Manage the tension between independence and interdependence
Authentic leadership is getting others to want to do the right thing


15:00 What’s the difference between influence and manipulation?
It comes down to intention
Eventually people revolt against manipulation
Maverick leaders are great storytellers
What’s the difference between socialized mavericks and extreme mavericks?


19:00 It’s lonely being a maverick
Pull yourself out of the fight to carry on the fight
When does tension lead to innovation?
How has COVID created the need for a new breed of leaders?


25:00 If you’re not being challenged, something is wrong.
Unanimity is overrated
If a maverick stops arguing, it means they’ve stopped caring


29:00 Four different personalities
Conformist, maverick behaviorist, socialized maverick, and extreme maverick
Balance the good of others and the good of themselves
What are the defining characteristics of a maverick leader:
Determined
Reputation -- character and competence
Influence
Versatility
Execution
Narration
Differences with a sense of common vision drives success


34:00 Trust is built or undermined over time
Principled leadership inspires trusting followership
Grover Cleveland
Unreasonable expectations sabotages the system
Ethics always begins with accountability
Only through passionate engagement and constructive disagreement can we get closer to the truth


45:00  Word of the day:  iconoclast
Challenge the conventional wisdom
When politics becomes religion, there can be no ethical debate
Strike the balance between civility and being contrarian

How do we defend and secure free speech in a culture that is increasingly uncivil and disinterested in facts and logic?

This is the topic we take up when self-care guru, corporate trainer, and motivational speaker Breeda Miller joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.

Here are the bullet points:

The elements of free speech: ability, consequences, and responsibility.

Language and thought -- one can corrupt the other

Candor vs courtesy

The ability to disagree without being disagreeable

Is it okay to speak up when you don't understand the culture?

We can't legislate good behavior, but we can legislate responsible behavior.

Curiosity vs. judgmentalism.

Relationships can change hearts and minds.

Tone is integral to communication, and we have to give others the chance to know us.

We have to be willing to question where our beliefs come from.

Travel -- broadening our boundaries -- provides us the opportunity to appreciate different outlooks and perspectives.

Oppressive culture suppresses thought by controlling speech.

How do we engage people who reject facts and logic?

Challenge yourself to articulate opposing points of view.

Good intention, clear thinking, informed action lead to ethical decision making.

Free speech isn't free, freedom is earned, and rights go hand in hand with responsibilities.

Why are New Year's resolutions so hard to keep?

Do we want to change enough to really commit ourselves?

What are some basic strategies to do and be better?

These and other critical questions are addressed in this archive episode of The Rabbi and the Shrink.

1:00 Repentance means a return to the straight and narrow through 1) stopping the improper behavior, 2) feeling remorse, 3) verbalizing our apology, and 4) planning a strategy not to backslide into old behaviors.  Without a specific, concrete plan we have little chance of achieving lasting change.
4:00 The story of the first time Rabbi Goldson observed the Sabbath according to Jewish law, which demonstrates that the promises we make to ourselves may be the most important promises we keep.
9:30 Many people are not good to themselves, which may be why ethics really does start at home.  What do you do to take care of or honor yourself?
11:00 Is there any sin that is truly unforgivable?  According to the sages, only seven biblical figures totally forfeited their share in the world to come through actions that led others to sin. 
13:00 Start with achievable goals. Find accountability partners.
15:00 Are there do-overs?  Aside from the most egregious and lasting harm we might cause, we should be able to hit a reset button and commit to better behavior than wallowing in regret or resentment.
If a sin leads me to set higher standards for myself, then it actually becomes metabolized into something positive.
18:00 Look at the past with fresh eyes, recognize each party’s responsibility, evaluate with empathy, identify what needs fixing.
We are heroes and victims and witnesses in almost every situation.  We need to ask ourselves: how do we become heroes?
21:00 There’s no app for being ethical, and there shouldn’t be.  It’s by grappling with gray areas that we develop our ethical muscles.
When it comes to our errors, we can always make ourselves better, but we can’t always repair the damage we’ve done.
23:30 Moderating our response to others’ mistakes, especially children.
25:30 The Nazi officer asked a camp inmate for forgiveness.  Should the Jew have forgiven him?
28:00 Does mental illness exempt a person from culpability?  But it shifts responsibility to seeking help and to those in a position to help.  Sometimes we just have to struggle with the impossibility of finding closure.
33:00  What was, what can be, and what should be, is the path forward.
Continuing behavior should not be forgiven unless it is uncontrollable or no effort is being made to control it.  The evils of sarcasm.
39:00 Word of the day: incogitant -- thoughtless, careless, or lacking the faculty of thought.  We have to be thoughtful to be ethical, but we also have to balance high standards against reasonable expectations for others and ourselves.
The Hebrew word for rebuke shares its root with the word for vindication.
42:30 How do we understand the biblical command not to bear a grudge?  We can’t control our feelings, but we can control whether we act on or articulate our feelings.
We don’t have to say everything we think. Only speak when it’s likely to do some good.
47:00 If two people both think they’re doing the right thing and they disagree with each other, how do we reconcile their different perceptions?
Schedule a time to discuss disagreements; don’t ambush people.
“I’d like to understand your point of view.”
54:00 How do parents confront school policies or actions by the school that the parents see as unethical.  Often a third party intervention can de-escalate conflict.

How do you tell the truth when there’s so much pressure to do the opposite?
How do we stop greasing the slippery slope to hell?
What is “ethical fading” and what can we do about it?
These and other compelling questions are addressed Courageous Leadership pioneer Brooke Deterline joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.thecourage2lead.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/brooke-deterline-428aa7/
1:30  Our most real beliefs may not be true
“The Heroic Imagination Project”
It’s easy for good people to do the wrong thing under pressure
The danger of situational influences
“Now that we know, what will we do?”


8:00 Brooke’s own epiphany of moral vulnerability
Responding through social fitness against our biology
Professor Dumbledor’s wisdom to combat groupthink
Courageous democracy
Grief is a powerful connector


14:00  Strengthening ethical decision-making through cognitive behavior training
Physical mindfulness
Write down your negative automatic thoughts, i.e, fears
Identify the behaviors emerge in stressful situations and what’s the likely impact
What we can do that’s helpful to ourselves, e.g., give ourselves distance
We can always circle back if we don’t get it right in the moment
Forward-cast others in their best roles


22:00 Even if it’s not my fault, it might still be my responsibility
In teams, we learn how to give those around us the support they want and need
Don’t be afraid to ask
Simulations need real anxiety to create muscle memory
What are the outcomes we want based on our values?


33:00 Have we thought enough about our core values?
We may not have learned to articulate them
God created difficult people for our benefit
The domino system of learning empathy
Invite participants to take the role as leaders


39:00  The 4 stages of psychological safety
Belonging safety
Learning safety
Contribution safety
Challenger safety
Transform anxiety into excitement
Three contrarians can create safety to challenge
The danger of ethical fading


48:00 Why do we miss the gorilla in the room?
Learn to see in 3-D
Don’t trust yourself until the day you die
We need to keep each other honest
There’s no such thing as an expert


Dissolute
indifferent to moral restraints; given to immoral or improper conduct; licentious; dissipated.
Dissolutive
Decomposition into fragments or parts; disintegration. Termination or extinction by disintegration or dispersion: Indulgence in sensual pleasures; debauchery. The dissolution of the empire was remarkably swift.
Joseph’s brothers and Reuben’s irresolution
When we see ourselves as individuals, we lose conviction in carrying though on our values
Connection with the right people is a source of moral strength