The Suzanne Venker Show suzanne venker

Suzanne talks with Nancy Paradis, wife of Andre Paradis (a relationship coach who's been on this program multiple times) to discuss how the messages sent to young women today are untenable, unrealistic, and at odds with what most women want.

IN THIS EPISODE:

4:15  Nancy describes her history, her career in ballet and her move to LA

8:00  Nancy tells the story of how she and Andre met at a dance class

12:00  Nancy and Suzanne discuss the change that occurs when you have a family

14:20  Are you a “woman with a career” or a “career woman”?

19:00  Nancy talks about her job as a teacher/professor

23:00  The priority shift that occurs in women between the ages of 20 and 30

25:00  Nancy talks about being ridiculed in LA for being supportive of her husband, taking a step back in her career by other women

31:00  What's happening with Gen Z when it comes to understanding sex differences, what they’re being taught by the culture and in school

35:40  How knowing the information is not enough; you need to practice and have the tools

IN THIS EPISODE:

4:20  Suzanne addresses a question about the role social media plays in relationships, with young people and the expectations social media creates

7:15  When the people you surround yourself with are pro-marriage, your takeaway about marriage and relationships will be more positive

9:25  The only solution is to make our own “little world”  work and then pass along the correct messaging to our children

12:30  The only way to combat the messages on social media is parenting

14:25  Can men and women be “just friends”?

16:15  It is extremely difficult for a man to be friend with a woman with whom he is not having sex

18:34  Suzanne answers a question about women getting “bored” in marriage?

19:50  Men  are more simple in their needs and desires

20:30 Women need to deal with their own boredom and address it

23:10  Suzanne addresses and email from a listener about women leading the charge in divorce, the role the culture plays in this, and why many young women are branding their husbands as “mean” and “controlling”

25:00  Oftentimes, a man's behavior is a reaction to his wife actions and behavior

26:10  It’s easy to mislabel the behavior of men

27:25  Women are typically more emotionally abusive than men are

28:25  A listener describes a date he went on where he introduced Suzanne’s content, and she reacted negatively

30:20 Can you make your husband “grow up”?

At the end of the day, people live one of two lives: an examined life or an unexamined life.

An unexamined life is when you move through the years mindlessly, not really thinking about what you’re doing or why you’re doing it, or even if you like doing it. You’re just doing it, whatever “it” is, because that’s what other people are doing—because that’s what you think you’re supposed to do. Or because, quite frankly, it’s easier. Living an unexamined life means living a life someone else designed for you.

The examined life is different. The examined life is when you tune out the voices, sounds, and visuals in your midst and make important decisions based on what you want and on what you believe is right. More than anything, it means dismissing cultural trends that conflict with your core beliefs.

IN THIS EPISODE:

2:40  Living an unexamined life means living a life someone else designed FOR you

3:30  Most of the noise today comes in the form of the media

4:10  If your goal is to get married and stay married, you have to avoid the media

4:20  Spend time with like-minded people

8:15  Women are making very real decisions about their very real lives based on something they absorb as real but isn’t

10:40  If you regularly absorb pop culture, you are absorbing the wrong ideas about men and marriage

11:50  “Spin sisters” are a group of media elite who influence the ways every day women think

13:50  Stop caring about what other people think and do

14:35  Women have been taught to value money and prestige over love and family

15:05  Don’t let the opinions of others drown out your inner voice

I suspect that, like me, you all are probably reading a lot headlines about Bill and Melinda Gates in the wake of their divorce announcement. The most recent one I read was in the WSJ about a sexual relationship Bill Gates had many years ago w a Microsoft employee. A spokesperson for Gates said, “There was an affair almost 20 years ago which ended amicably.”

As soon as I read this headline, I thought about all the people who will hone in on this event in the Gates’ marriage and imagine a gotcha moment as in, "Ha! That’s why Melinda Gates filed for divorce! Her husband is a philanderer!"

What you will never hear about are the circumstances that surround an affair, particularly when men are the ones who have it. If a woman has an affair, it's because she's been wronged in some way. But if a man has it,  he’s just a bad man or a bad husband.

I’d like to challenge that narrative by telling the truth about why good men stray.

IN THIS EPISODE:

2:40  Suzanne reads an email from a listener about affairs and the rationale behind it

5:00  The idea of remaining attractive, pleasant and kind with one’s husband is oftentimes met with resistance due to life stresses, etc.

6:00  The idea that you can succumb to those pressures and become someone totally different from the person your spouse dated is unfair

7:00  For the average marriage, you can start to behave the way you did when you were dating and get those feelings back pretty quickly

8:30  The idea that you can starve a man sexually and expect him to remain faithful is ridiculous and immature

8:50  It isn’t just about sex—millions of husbands are starving from affection from their wives, which is almost more significant than sex

11:20  A lot of women wait for the “feeling” to envelope them before they act. Sometimes, it takes the act to get the feeling

13:00  On all of Suzanne’s intake forms for coaching, when men answer questions it has to do with the lack of sex and affection

16:45  Not having sex with your husband is cruel

This episode is about how thinking about and doing things differently from the norm when it comes to marriage and relationships is what ultimately allows you to succeed in love.

I came across an article the other day that was entitled “Covid quarantine confirmed that sleeping in separate beds is the best thing for my marriage,” by Judi Ketteler. And upon reading this, in addition to thinking about my own marriage, I thought about my conversation in December 2019 with Rabbi Manis Friedman —bc in that episode he said that it’s actually “insulting” to sleep in the same bed with one’s spouse. So with that in mind I invited Rabbi Friedman back on to talk about not just the surprising benefits of not sleeping w one’s spouse but the benefits of embracing a mindset about marriage that differs radically from the norm.

Rabbi Friedman is an internationally sought after speaker, author and expert on the topics of love, marriage, intimacy and parenting. He has appeared on CNN, PBS, and BBC Worldwide, and has been the subject of articles in the New York Times, Rolling Stone, Seventeen and others. He’s the author of Doesn’t Anyone Blush Anymore? and The Art of Intimacy, which we will talk w him about as well.

Rabbi Friedman’s website is itsgoodtoknow.org.

IN THIS EPISODE:

5:45  What is intimacy and how is it different from sex?

9:45  Casual sex vs. sex in a committed relationship/marriage

10:45  Sex as a “performance” often falls short of expectations

11:20  Sex in a marriage isn’t always intimate

12:25  If you want to have an intimate relationship, make sure the lights are off

14:35  The average couple has sex once a month

15:40  The only way to not be alone in the world is through marriage

17:40  Sex and love ruin marriage

18:45  People used to stay married longer because they could admit they need each other

22:20  Don’t get married if you “need” something

22:40  Why are divorce rates so much lower in the orthodox Jewish community?

23:10  Why is sleeping apart good for marriage?

27:00  Why is sex better when you sleep apart?

32:40  Why marry?

Several weeks ago I posted an interview with Adam Coleman, author of the book From Black Victim to Black Victor, where Coleman outlines the ways in which the black community has been conditioned to believe they're oppressed and how black women in particular have fallen for feminism to the detriment of their families and even themselves.

Shortly thereafter, I received an email from India Lee Starks who loved the interview and who emphasized this question that came up in my interview with Coleman: “Why are black women forgiven for failing to select better men?” Here's what India, who is black, had to say:

"Why are black women NEVER accountable for ANYTHING?! That can go for women in general, also. But when I look at my counterparts these days, the “modern black woman,” my heart fills with grief. They are far from the heroines of the “Greatest Generation” and generations before. They are entitled, arrogant, and selfish. It’s painful to witness. They champion single motherhood like it’s an achievement and have become oppressive and demoralizing in their attitude and treatment towards black men! It’s nauseating."

I subsequently invited India on to discuss how feminism has affected the black community.

India Lee Starks, 34, was born and raised in Williamsburg, VA and currently lives in the DC area. She worked for Teach for America in 2011 and the DC Corps from 2011-2013. She then graduated from law school and afterward helped open a newly opened charter school. In 2018, she worked for a year in the White House and now works for the Department of Education, Office of Civil Rights. India is newly married with two teenage stepsons.

IN THIS EPISODE:

9:50  How women in the black community shifted in their response to men

12:30  India talks about her family history and why she didn’t take to feminist ideology

16:25  Parenting is the last, best hope to counteract what your kids are absorbing

17:50  What women choose to wear is how they communicate

21:15   Black families are leading the charge with single parent homes at 64%

23:50  How feminism affected the black community and the breakdown of the family

26:55  Father absence

32:15  Women are tired of being "strong"

35:00  Black women have become audacious and arrogant when it comes to men

36:00  Feminism has shifted women’s identities to a focus on their careers and jobs and away from being mothers

39:30  Feminists want a matriarchy

39:50  India talks about her work in the White House with the Trump Administration and the environment with her male co-workers

47:30  Feminism has tapped into women's emotional center

50:10  Women are promoting their own interests instead of doing what is right by our communities and families