14 min
Why It's Hard to Grieve Toxic People Time to Feel
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- Mental Health
Welcome to the second season of Time to Feel. In case you don’t know who I my name is Holly Soulié. I am an emotional health mentor and owner of the Emotional Health Shop on Etsy. So I want to say thank you all so much for your support with this podcast. I’ve gotten a lot of really beautiful notes about it and it’s been highly requested even though I haven’t recorded a new episode in a long time. So I really, really appreciate that and thank you so much for your support.
In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about three reasons why grieving a toxic person is so hard. And I want to talk about this because, to be super honest, the number one Google search consistently since 2020 that has brought people to my website is why it’s so hard to let go of someone who treats you bad.
I’ve got a couple of blog posts on it, I also have a workbook on it that I’ll talk more about later. But that is the number one thing that people come to my website for. And I have been there, I have had to grieve toxic people as well.
What Does Toxicity Mean?
And if you are listening to this, then chances are that you’ve been there, too. So, before we dive into why it’s so hard to move on from toxic people, let’s first define what toxic actually means. This is a really popular word that we all use, quite a bit nowadays. But what does it actually mean to be toxic?
to me, there is a huge range of what you could call toxic behavior, or even toxic people. On the lower end of the spectrum, the lighter version, there are the people who unintentionally treat you badly.
Maybe they lack boundaries, maybe they invade your space with intrusive questions, unsolicited advice, that type of thing. It’s behavior that can be seen as toxic. But most likely, it’s unintentional. In fact, they might have good intentions behind that.
But it’s still toxic behavior because it’s unwanted, it doesn’t feel good, and it’s intrusive. on the other end of the spectrum, like way, way, way on the other end of the spectrum, Are the people who intentionally hurt others. this is the type of person like narcissistic abusers, sociopaths, people who are generally abusive and are actively hurting and abusing people for their own gain.
Whatever that gain is, it’s for their own gain. Then in the middle of the spectrum are the people who do a little bit of both. They might be hurtful, they might be controlling, they might be manipulative. Sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes they’re unaware of how their actions affect you.
That’s how I define toxicity, which is a range of hurtful behaviors, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that drain your energy, violates your boundaries, and deteriorates trust with that person.
Reason #1 Why It’s Hard To Grieve A Toxic Person: They’re Lovable
Why is it so hard to grieve someone who’s toxic? the first reason is because toxic people tend to be very charming and very lovable. They literally give you reasons to love them. My dad, who has since passed away, was a narcissistic abuser, and he was so charming. He could make anyone laugh, he could work a crowd, he was super funny, in general, you wanted to have a good time with him.
This is how a lot of toxic people are. They charm you, and they pull you in with their amazing personalities. If they’re extra toxic, they might even, at the beginning of the relationship, shower you with a ton of love and attention.
Welcome to the second season of Time to Feel. In case you don’t know who I my name is Holly Soulié. I am an emotional health mentor and owner of the Emotional Health Shop on Etsy. So I want to say thank you all so much for your support with this podcast. I’ve gotten a lot of really beautiful notes about it and it’s been highly requested even though I haven’t recorded a new episode in a long time. So I really, really appreciate that and thank you so much for your support.
In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about three reasons why grieving a toxic person is so hard. And I want to talk about this because, to be super honest, the number one Google search consistently since 2020 that has brought people to my website is why it’s so hard to let go of someone who treats you bad.
I’ve got a couple of blog posts on it, I also have a workbook on it that I’ll talk more about later. But that is the number one thing that people come to my website for. And I have been there, I have had to grieve toxic people as well.
What Does Toxicity Mean?
And if you are listening to this, then chances are that you’ve been there, too. So, before we dive into why it’s so hard to move on from toxic people, let’s first define what toxic actually means. This is a really popular word that we all use, quite a bit nowadays. But what does it actually mean to be toxic?
to me, there is a huge range of what you could call toxic behavior, or even toxic people. On the lower end of the spectrum, the lighter version, there are the people who unintentionally treat you badly.
Maybe they lack boundaries, maybe they invade your space with intrusive questions, unsolicited advice, that type of thing. It’s behavior that can be seen as toxic. But most likely, it’s unintentional. In fact, they might have good intentions behind that.
But it’s still toxic behavior because it’s unwanted, it doesn’t feel good, and it’s intrusive. on the other end of the spectrum, like way, way, way on the other end of the spectrum, Are the people who intentionally hurt others. this is the type of person like narcissistic abusers, sociopaths, people who are generally abusive and are actively hurting and abusing people for their own gain.
Whatever that gain is, it’s for their own gain. Then in the middle of the spectrum are the people who do a little bit of both. They might be hurtful, they might be controlling, they might be manipulative. Sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes they’re unaware of how their actions affect you.
That’s how I define toxicity, which is a range of hurtful behaviors, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that drain your energy, violates your boundaries, and deteriorates trust with that person.
Reason #1 Why It’s Hard To Grieve A Toxic Person: They’re Lovable
Why is it so hard to grieve someone who’s toxic? the first reason is because toxic people tend to be very charming and very lovable. They literally give you reasons to love them. My dad, who has since passed away, was a narcissistic abuser, and he was so charming. He could make anyone laugh, he could work a crowd, he was super funny, in general, you wanted to have a good time with him.
This is how a lot of toxic people are. They charm you, and they pull you in with their amazing personalities. If they’re extra toxic, they might even, at the beginning of the relationship, shower you with a ton of love and attention.
14 min