Time to Feel

Holly Soulié
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Time to Feel is a podcast to help you improve your emotional health. Hosted with Holly Soulié, you’ll learn tips and stories from her own experiences, and how to take back your power from your emotions and your baggage.

Episodes

  1. 01/30/2024

    3 Signs Your Childhood Was Codependent

    Welcome everybody to another episode of Time to Feel. In case you don’t know who I am, my name is Holly Soulié. I am an emotional health mentor and the owner of the Emotional Health Shop on Etsy. Today we’re going to talk about signs that your childhood was codependent. This is really important because how you were raised affects you on every level emotionally as an adult. It affects your romantic relationships, your friendships, your relationship to yourself, your work, your relationship with your family, everything. And codependency is a very ingrained state of being. . So if you were raised this way, it will affect you and how you interact with every single person. Until you can bring awareness to that. When you can say, Oh, this is why I am the way I am. That explains why I do this certain behavior. I can see that from my childhood, then that empowers you to start seeing your own patterns and then helping yourself heal from it. So I want to talk about this from a place of behaviors that you do as an adult that indicate that your childhood was probably codependent. So let’s jump right into it. The first sign that your childhood was codependent is if you have a hard time setting boundaries as an adult. For example, saying no to your partner is super uncomfortable for you. Setting a limit with your in laws makes you want to run and hide. Telling your boss that your workload is too much just puts knots in your stomach. If you avoid setting boundaries in general and this is describing you, then it’s a pretty big sign that you were raised codependently. you’re not self empowered setting boundaries as an adult, then it’s a very clear sign that you were not empowered to set them as a child. That means that maybe you tried to say no as a kid. But your parents or caregivers never honored your no. They would consistently ignore what you wanted and do what they wanted instead. Or maybe your parents controlled your choices and forced you to do things that they wanted. Or maybe you were just never given an option to give input on big decisions that impacted you. So I was raised in a very codependent home. My family was Mormon and Mormons baptize their kids at age eight. And I remember watching my dad make the phone call to schedule my baptism and thinking he didn’t even ask if I wanted to get baptized or not. That was a huge decision that greatly impacted me and I was never asked about it. There was never a conversation. I got the message that what I wanted didn’t matter and that I have to be who they want me to be so that I can be accepted. When you have that repeated experience growing up, Then your very wise child mind understands, Oh, it’s futile When I try to set a boundary. My parents don’t respond to that. They constantly override me. I’m going to fall in line with who they want me to be so that I can get my needs met. Which includes both your survival needs of food and shelter and your emotional needs for love and acceptance. So you essentially learn that in order to be loved and accepted, you can’t be somebody who sets boundaries. You have to be somebody who does what they’re told, who doesn’t question authority, who doesn’t have any input and just has to fall in line. Keep in mind that what I’m talking about is when that was your experience consistently growing up. Because parents cannot honor their children’s boundaries 24 Let’s be very clear about that. I’m not saying that just because your parents didn’t give into your every whim that your upbringing was codependent. An extreme example is you can’t just let a two year old run into the road because that’s their boundary and that’s what they want. No, it’s the parent’s job to stop them from doing that and to protect them and to teach them that no, you can’t do that. That’s not acceptable. So that’s not the type of thing I’m talking about here. I’m talking about your parents never empowering you. To identify what your personal boundaries were, and to then support you in having your boundaries respected at age appropriate times. So that’s the first sign that you had a codependent upbringing is that if you struggle significantly to set boundaries as an adult. I do want to say that setting boundaries is not a comfortable experience for pretty much anyone. It is uncomfortable to tell somebody, Hey, that wasn’t okay with me or what you did or said, I would prefer you did it this way. It’s natural that that’s not a comfy experience. So I’m not saying that you have to be super in love with setting boundaries or that you have to experience zero discomfort setting them. what I am saying is if you are somebody who has a lot of fear setting boundaries, somebody who avoids it and just wants to run and hide when it’s time to set a boundary. then you’re probably in the category of somebody who had a codependent upbringing. The next sign that your childhood was codependent is if you are somebody who avoids conflict at all costs. For example, your friend said something that really upset you, and instead of addressing it with them, you just ghost them and don’t respond to their text for six months. Or your partner doesn’t do their fair share of the chores around the house. Instead of having a conversation about it, when they ask when dinner will be ready, you get passive aggressive and say, Well, maybe if I wasn’t the only one cooking all the time, then dinner would already be on the table. Because the truth is that conflict is a healthy and necessary part of any relationship. No matter how hard you try, even in the most perfect relationships, you can’t avoid it. When you’re taught to have safe conflict growing up, then that translates into healthy emotional communication skills as an adult. codependent home, communication is a little bit more blurry. If the family rules weren’t clear to you and you just weren’t really sure of what was okay and what wasn’t, then you probably would be walking on eggshells all the time because you wouldn’t know what would upset your parents or your siblings. When you bring that type of behavior into adulthood, it can translate into shutting down and going silent during conflict. Or you might go the complete opposite way and get overly aggressive during conflict. So that it goes from a how can we figure out this problem together To I want to win this argument and be right at any cost? Because you see conflict as a power struggle. Because that’s what conflict really is in a home, is a power struggle. Whoever is right gets to take the other person’s power and win the argument. You get to be king of the mountain and declare victory over the other person. If this is you, then maybe in your family, you weren’t allowed to talk back. Maybe there was one or both parents who were more of a dictator and it was their way or the highway. There are a lot of reasons that you might avoid conflict. But it all boils down to you not feeling safe expressing your truth and or you don’t want to enter into a power struggle. Especially if you’re somebody that’s really timid, you’re sensitive, you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. If you subconsciously see conflict as a power struggle, of course you’re going to be avoiding it because you don’t want to hurt the other person. In the back of your mind, you’re like, oh, I don’t even want to enter into this conversation because I’m not going to be able to express myself because once I do, I’m going to have to take their power away. This is what conflict means for me is being the one who wins. One person is right and one person is wrong. And I don’t want to be the person who makes that other person feel bad. But when conflict is healthy, it’s not a power struggle. It’s a conversation about how can we both adjust in this situation so that we both feel heard, seen, respected, and understood. I don’t even look for compromise, especially in my marriage. We don’t do compromise. It’s like, this is a situation where we both get to win and we both get to have all of our needs met. It’s not one person is more than the other. It’s we are both a part of this partnership, and so we will find an arrangement where both of us get to have. all of our power and all of our needs met. I’m not saying compromise is a bad thing, but I am saying that it is possible to have this type of conversation without being a one or the other type of a thing. Like you win, I lose or vice versa. So that’s the second sign that you were raised in a codependent home is that you avoid conflict. The last sign that you are raised codependently is if you are somebody who picks yourself apart after every social interaction, whether that be work in a professional setting or in a personal setting with friends or family. Maybe you ruminate for hours of if you said something wrong, you go over every conversation, everything you said, and you look at it from a self critical perspective. And then you think, okay, what might this person have thought about me in that moment? When I said that, did I hurt their feelings? Did they think I was dumb? Did they think I was better than them? Did they think that maybe I thought that I was better than them? Did I say something out of line? and you do this even if you have no evidence that you said something that may have made them uncomfortable. It’s just what you do after being with other people. You go home and you pick yourself apart. This indicates a codependent upbringing because it shows that you don’t feel safe or comfortable being yourself. You don’t feel like you can be an individual or stand out. You’re trying to fit into everybody’s definition into who you think that they want you to be. And you worry that you don’t fit into that image. It’s not just social anxiety or being a people pleaser. It

    16 min

  2. 01/15/2024

    Why It's Hard to Grieve Toxic People

    Welcome to the second season of Time to Feel. In case you don’t know who I my name is Holly Soulié. I am an emotional health mentor and owner of the Emotional Health Shop on Etsy. So I want to say thank you all so much for your support with this podcast. I’ve gotten a lot of really beautiful notes about it and it’s been highly requested even though I haven’t recorded a new episode in a long time. So I really, really appreciate that and  thank you so much for your support. In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about three reasons why grieving a toxic person is so hard. And I want to talk about this because, to be super honest, the number one Google search consistently since 2020 that has brought people to my website is why it’s so hard to let go of someone who treats you bad. I’ve got a couple of blog posts on it, I also have a workbook on it that I’ll talk more about later. But that is the number one thing that people come to my website for. And I have been there, I have had to grieve toxic people as well. What Does Toxicity Mean? And if you are listening to this, then chances are that you’ve been there, too. So, before we dive into why it’s so hard to move on from toxic people, let’s first define what toxic actually means. This is a really popular word that we all use, quite a bit nowadays. But what does it actually mean to be toxic? to me, there is a huge range of what you could call toxic behavior, or even toxic people. On the lower end of the spectrum, the lighter version, there are the people who unintentionally treat you badly. Maybe they lack boundaries, maybe they invade your space with intrusive questions, unsolicited advice, that type of thing. It’s behavior that can be seen as toxic. But most likely, it’s unintentional. In fact, they might have good intentions behind that. But it’s still toxic behavior because it’s unwanted, it doesn’t feel good, and it’s intrusive. on the other end of the spectrum, like way, way, way on the other end of the spectrum, Are the people who intentionally hurt others. this is the type of person like narcissistic abusers, sociopaths, people who are  generally abusive and are actively hurting and abusing people for their own gain. Whatever that gain is, it’s for their own gain. Then in the middle of the spectrum are the people who do a little bit of both. They might be hurtful, they might be controlling, they might be manipulative.  Sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes they’re unaware of how their actions affect you. That’s how I define toxicity, which is a range of hurtful behaviors, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that drain your energy, violates your boundaries, and deteriorates trust with that person. Reason #1 Why It’s Hard To Grieve A Toxic Person: They’re Lovable Why is it so hard to grieve someone who’s toxic? the first reason is because toxic people tend to be very charming and very lovable. They literally give you reasons to love them. My dad, who has since passed away, was a narcissistic abuser, and he was so charming. He could make anyone laugh, he could work a crowd, he was super funny,  in general, you wanted to have a good time with him. This is how a lot of toxic people are. They charm you, and they pull you in with their amazing personalities. If they’re extra toxic, they might even, at the beginning of the relationship, shower you with  a ton of love and attention. They make you feel like the center of the entire world, It makes you feel like, wow, this special person who everybody loves is giving me their attention. So I must be special too. they just make you feel really amazing especially in the beginning of these relationships With toxic people that’s when they’re peacocking, you know, they’re showing the best of themselves. Reason #2 Why It’s Hard To Grieve A Toxic Person: The Intensity There tends to be really high highs with toxic people, which is the second reason it’s so hard to move on. The first reason is because they’re super lovable and it’s hard to walk away from a lovable person. the second reason,  is because of the intensity of that contrast between the highs and the lows. Because you go from having these amazing moments to having super low moments.  Maybe they randomly drop you, or they get fickle and start playing games. When this happens, it’s super devastating and also extremely confusing maybe you reach out to them with your heart, which is big and open and wide, and you’re just like ready for more love from them. And then they respond with something like, Oh, sorry, I’m busy tonight. Can I call you later? They don’t give you any info. They don’t reciprocate,  and you’re kind of like, What just happened a minute ago, we couldn’t get away from each other, we’re having like love fest, and now you’re acting like I don’t exist. It can go back and forth a lot like that. This is actually something called an intermittent schedule of rewards. So what that means is that when you don’t know when the love or the reward is coming, when it’s unpredictable, you get way more dopamine. than if it’s scheduled and predictable. It’s the exact way that a lot of gamblers get hooked on slot machines. It’s more exciting and pleasurable when you don’t know when you’re going to win. And the more you play, the more you strengthen those neural pathways that compel you to engage with that source of pleasure. Again and again. So, there’s actually a neurological reason why it’s hard to move on from toxic people. this is especially true with narcissistic abusers Because they will even give you a lot of love in the beginning and then they will slowly, slowly decrease that love with putting in moments of really sweet love and so it’s again that gambling effect of  Is this gonna get their love? Is this gonna get their love? And you don’t know what behavior or what thing you could possibly say or do that will give you back that love. And so it really messes with your mind, literally. So whether the person that you’re trying to let go of is a narcissistic abuser or not. When you don’t know when or how that love is coming, it keeps you on your toes and for that reason It’s super hard to let go of toxic people. Reason #3 Why It’s Hard To Grieve A Toxic Person: They Bring You Qualities You Think You Lack the third reason that it’s hard to let go of toxic people is because a lot of times They actually represent something that you think that you lack. for example Maybe that’s confidence. Maybe when you’re with that person They make you feel really confident really strong like you feel really good about yourself around them And they make you forget that actually In general, you don’t feel super great about yourself. Another example is, maybe they bring a lot of excitement and adventure into your life. They take you to do fun things that you’d never do on your own. They make you feel super spontaneous, like you can do anything, and they show you a different flavor of life. So when this person is no longer in your life, you feel like you not only lost them, but that you also lost a part of yourself, too. And that’s actually the saddest part about it. Is that you believe that you’ll never feel the same way that you felt when you were with that person ever again. And so, when you’re grieving them and trying to move on and everything, you’re also grieving loss of yourself or what you see as a loss of that version of yourself and what you feel like you’ll never experience again. So, I remember  when I was grieving my toxic ex back when I was in college. We were together off and on for a couple of years. honestly, he was like a carbon copy of my dad. They were so similar. And one of the reasons it was so hard for me to move on from him was because he made me feel powerful. He gave me this sense that I was really special, and he helped connect me to my power. at that time, I thought it was all coming from him. Like, he was the one with the power, and that I could only access that feeling when I was around him. But what I know now is that he was just facilitating that connection for me. I thought that I lacked power, but what I lacked was believing in the power that I already had. This is the thing with toxic people. They really do connect you to parts of yourself. That maybe you’ve never accessed before. And so, a lot of the pain comes when you keep thinking that that part of you only exists outside of yourself when you’re with that person. The beautiful news is that however that person made you feel about yourself,  whatever qualities they brought into your life that were so sweet and amazing in that moment, You can totally work strengthening -that on your own. if they made you feel confident, see how you can, strengthen your own self confidence and start believing in yourself more. if they made you feel lovable in a way that nobody else has ever made you feel. Go inside of it with yourself and take a deep dive and look and see, like, they made me feel lovable in this, this, this, this way. How can I strengthen those qualities in myself and really, emphasize them so that I can live into those parts of myself that I enjoyed embodying when I was with them? It’s good to take stock of what this person brought to you and how they made you feel so that you can first of all grieve the relationship properly but then also reconnect with the parts of yourself that you’re longing to reconnect with. what’s really cool about that is that when you do strengthen those parts of yourself that you feel like that toxic person connected you with, then you’re not going to be seeking that outside of yourself in future relationships, and you’re going to be less and less likely to be repeating the same relationships over and over again. Grieving A Toxic Person So, that is  such an important

    15 min

  3. 03/15/2022

    10 Common Emotions and How to Recognize Them

    This is Time to Feel, Episode number 8. Hey everyone, I’m Holly Soulie. Welcome to another episode of Time to Feel. Today we’re going to talk about some of the common emotions you might feel, and how you can identify them. When I first started paying attention to my emotions, I would get really frustrated with myself because I knew that I felt SOMETHING, but I wasn’t sure what it was or what to do about it. So, the more I tuned into my feelings, the easier it became to know which emotion was happening. And the more you know what emotion you’re feeling, the better equipped you are to address it. This is the first part of becoming emotionally intelligent – to actually be aware of what you’re feeling. Before we start, I want to give a disclaimer for a couple of emotions we’re going to talk about – namely depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety are in their own category because they’re mental health disorders and that’s something you need to address with a medical professional. I don’t want you to think that I’m dismissing them and saying depression or anxiety is all in your head because it isn’t. But, even if you have these conditions like I myself do, there are still a lot of tools and skills you can learn to manage them and feel empowered with. So, we’re going to look at them from the angle of what can I do about them when I feel them? Alright, let’s jump in and talk about some specific emotions you can start being aware of. The first emotion we’re going to talk about is depression. And one of the things that depression can mask is anger that you don’t think you’re justified in having. For example, the first time my dad went to prison, I had a lot of anger toward him that I shoved away over the years. I never realized how angry I was at him for it all because I loved him so much and didn’t know it was possible to love someone yet be so angry with them at the same time. However, a few years after that when I had a mental health collapse and became severely depressed, I started seeing what could be driving this depression. And sure enough, there was a lot of anger under the surface that I didn’t know what to do with. But once I addressed it, and started working through it, it helped my depression a lot. Even to this day, when I feel more depressed, I’ll sit down and see what emotions I might be hiding from myself and why. So, if depression is something you struggle with, ask yourself if there might be any feelings you may have pushed under the surface. The next emotion we’re going to talk about is anxiety. You’ve probably heard that anxiety means that you’re living in the fear of the future. But anxiety is also a signal that you need to stop and pay attention to your needs. A lot of times, I get anxious because I’m doing way too many things at once. In this case, it’s important to stop and see how you can take things one step at a time. On the other hand, it can also show you that you have some fears that need to be addressed. For instance, the other day I was feeling anxious about the upcoming weekend. Since I had so much to do, I wasn’t sure I could do it all. So, I took time to think about why I was so anxious. Then I removed a few things from my to-do list and made a more realistic, digestible list for myself.  That helped calm my mind enough so I could find some peace. Next up is jealousy. Generally, jealousy shows you that you want what someone else has, but you don’t feel like you deserve it or that it’s not attainable to you. But a part of you really wants it. Here’s a story to demonstrate this. Before I was married, I knew this couple who took really good care of each other. And I was SO jealous of the wife and actually had a couple of dreams about it. Well, at the time I didn’t believe that I was worthy of having a partner take good care of me. So, I worked on why I didn’t think I could have that. Also, I acknowledged that having that was something I REALLY wanted. My jealousy showed me the things I needed to work on. Now, I’m happily married to someone who takes very good care of me, and I’m so grateful for it. This isn’t to say that you’ll get everything you want if you work on your jealousy, but it’s an important emotion that can connect you to deeper parts of yourself that are waiting to be discovered. Next, we’re going to talk about resentment. Resentment means that you haven’t respected your boundaries and either you’ve given too much of yourself, or you’ve let someone else take advantage of you. For example, a few weeks ago I said I would babysit for someone. When she told me how long she’d be gone, in the back of my mind it seemed too long for me. But I ignored that voice and said yes anyway. I crossed my own boundaries. Well, at the end of the day with the kids, I was full of resentment, which is really not a nice emotion to feel. But that’s on me. I shouldn’t have committed to something I didn’t want to do. So, now I know that next time I should only commit to a shorter window of babysitting, or not do it at all if that means resenting someone I care about. Now, let’s talk about bitterness. When you’re bitter, that means you’re withholding forgiveness. It shows you where your anger has hardened and you’re holding onto old hurts. When you feel bitter, consider the reason you’re withholding that forgiveness. There was a time in recent years that I held a lot of bitterness toward my dad. I didn’t want to forgive him for the past, or the way our relationship had deteriorated. But my bitterness was my way of keeping a connection with him, even though it was via a negative emotion. On the other hand, my bitterness also protected me from him. As long as I was bitter, he couldn’t hurt me again. But once I forgave him, I was able to redirect all that energy I was using on being bitter toward better things. Also, I’m so grateful I worked through that emotion as soon as I recognized it, because he’s since passed away, and that’s not something I have to carry around anymore. So, if you’ve got some bitterness going on, see what it might be telling you. Now, we’re going to talk about a big one – anger. Anger is SUCH an important emotion. It shows you what your boundaries are. It also shows you where you want change, either for yourself or in the world. For example, I had a boss I was SO angry toward. But it was because I was staying in a job long after it was good for me. So, my anger was telling me that this job wasn’t serving me anymore. If you’re feeling anger, see what change it might be telling you to make. Next, let’s talk shame. Shame means that you’re internalizing who other people think you should be. It also shows you that you need to reconnect with yourself and your own beliefs. One example of when I felt shame was after leaving the Mormon church. Since they believe in dressing modestly, I felt ashamed about wearing clothes Mormons wouldn’t wear. Such as tank tops or anything that shows your shoulders. But once I realized that my shame didn’t belong to me, I was able to wear what I wanted without feeling shame. If you’re experiencing shame, see where you might be judging yourself through other people’s eyes. Next is guilt. Guilt shows you where you’re still trying to reach other people’s expectations, but that those expectations aren’t in harmony with what you actually want. For instance, I recently felt guilty when I said no to a friend. That’s because I was taught that women should always “be kind,” say yes and be agreeable. But when guilt comes up, ask yourself if the guilt is coming from a place of caring what other people think, or if it’s coming from a place of remorse. You can feel remorse for doing something without feeling guilty for it. Now, let’s talk about sadness. Sadness shows you what you truly love and value. It also shows you the depth of your feeling and love for others. For example, I have someone in my life that I’m not in contact with anymore, even though I love them. Well, I heard that that person isn’t doing well at all. And even though I don’t talk to them anymore, I was still devastated to hear about their problems. My sadness showed me that this is because I really love this person. The last emotion we’re going to talk about is disappointment. When you feel disappointed, that means you tried for something! So, you actually still care and didn’t give into apathy or fear. Back when I was looking for my first job in Montreal, I experienced a lot of disappointment. Actually, I applied for about 200 jobs before I finally got one. But the fact that I was disappointed each time I didn’t get a job showed me that I cared, that I was alive! And that’s important to me. I always use disappointment as a little reason to celebrate. On the one hand, being disappointed sucks and no one wants to feel that. But on the other hand, it’s room for celebration because it means you actually reached for something, and that’s commendable. Ok folks, that’s all for today. In conclusion, all of your emotions are signals that are trying to tell you something. When you stop and take the time to be with your feelings, you can uncover truths about yourself and your life that can help bring you to greater peace. If you want more information about how to understand your emotions, check out my eBook and workbook, called How to Identify and Process Your Emotions. Podcast listeners can get 30% off the regular price for the month of March, with code PODCAST30. Visit hollysoulie.com/shop to claim your discount now. The post 10 Common Emotions and How to Recognize Them appeared first on Holly Soulié Emotional Health.

    11 min

  4. 03/01/2022

    How to Stop Trying to Get Everyone to Like You

    Episode Transcript Time to Feel, Episode 7 How to Stop Trying to Get Everyone to Like You Hey everyone! Welcome to another episode of Time of Feel. I’m your hostess, Holly Soulie, and today, we’re going to talk about how to stop trying to get everyone to like you. I used to struggle trying to get absolutely everyone to like me. But after a while, it got really uncomfortable. So I decided to make some changes. If you can relate, here’s how to stop trying to get everyone to like you. First of all, it’s natural and healthy to want people to like you. You can want people to like you without needing them to like you.  When you want people to like you, it means you still feel good about yourself even if someone doesn’t like you. On the other hand, when you need everyone to like you, you feel bad if they don’t. So, let me share with you the 4 steps to stop needing everyone to like you. Let’s start with Step #1 Acknowledge the Pattern First, you have to acknowledge that what you’ve been doing is no longer working for you.  A few years ago at work, I was on a team with someone who didn’t like me very much. It seemed like no matter what I did, I could never get her to like me.  No matter what jokes or light conversations I tried to strike up with her, nothing worked. I even tried having a direct, open conversation with her about how we could work better together. Basically, I really put myself out there (really far…way too far actually) to not only try to work well with her but also to try and get her to like me.  And it stressed me out so bad! I would think about it outside of work hours because every interaction felt like pulling teeth.  Eventually, I got so tired that I finally acknowledged that it just wasn’t working to try and get her to like me. I was making myself miserable and it was adding stress to my life.  Next, Step #2 Commit to Working On It  Second, you have to commit to yourself that you’re going to work on the need to get everyone to like you. And this is important because the need to be liked can run deep, even back to your childhood. That means that when you try and get someone to like you, it can actually feel compulsive.  Looking back at this relationship with my coworker, I remember saying things and acting in a desperate way that really wasn’t me.  For me, committing to working on it meant that I was committing to stopping myself in my tracks whenever I would realize I was making another desperate joke or comment to her.  When you consciously commit to yourself that you’re going to work on it, then you’ll be able to choose a new way to do things. Next, step #3 is to Refocus Your Energy on Yourself Now that you’ve committed to stop trying to get everyone to like you, you’re ready to start actively working on it! Next, choose one specific relationship you want to work on. For example, that one specific person that doesn’t like you and it drives you crazy. You could start there. So, now it’s time to unplug your energy from that person.  When you ‘unplug’ from someone, it means you stop giving them your energy.  For instance, once I realized how draining it was to worry how my coworker didn’t liked me, I decided to stop caring about what she thought of me. Now, that doesn’t mean that I started being rude or cold to her. No, I didn’t start ignoring her.  On the contrary, I was still kind and polite to her.  But I stopped making any ‘extra’ comments to her. And I stopped going out of my way to interact with her.  Basically, I brought it down to polite but necessary interactions only.   When we were in meetings together, I stopped trying to make jokes or comments to get any warmth from her. Rather, I focused my energy on doing my job instead of trying to convince her to like me. When I unplugged my energy and focus from her, I freed up my own energy! And eventually it started feeling great not to worry so much about it. And I also had so much more room to feel good about myself. I got so caught up worrying about her opinion of me, that I forgot my own opinion mattered too! When you unplug from that one pesky person who doesn’t like you, you can start focusing on being the best you possible. Moving onto step #4 Do the Emotional Work Now, it’s possible that you’ll have an emotional reaction to changing this habit. So, make sure to work through your emotions as you go.  For example, I got really anxious that for whatever reason, my coworker was going to retaliate in some way when I stopped trying so hard to get her to like me. That was just my anxiety talking, because there was no logical reason that would have happened. So, I wrote in my journal about it. When I spilled out my feelings onto the page, it helped me regulate my emotions.  Also, it helped me see that maybe my fears weren’t based on any real-life evidence.  When I inspected my emotions, I could see that they were coming from a much older relationship.  What I discovered in myself was that I was actually experiencing fear of my older sister in my coworker. So really, it was just a younger version of me who was afraid of my sister.  At this point, I also decided to talk to a therapist about it because it was making me so anxious.  And my therapist was incredibly helpful and gave me tools to navigate the situation. Journaling, deep breathing, EFT, energy healing, meditation – all of these helped me along the way!  Whenever I felt upset about the situation at work, I would try to do something about it. If I needed to take 5 in the bathroom or go on a quick walk, I would.  In retrospect, my coworker was pretty much already making the situation as bad as it was going to get. So, I didn’t have much to worry about. It was really just my own fears and emotions that were making the situation feel much bigger than it actually was. As you work on your need for everyone to like you, you might have some difficult emotions to deal with. And that’s a good thing! It means they’re coming to the surface to be healed and let go.  And when you let them go, you’ll have so much more energy to actually feel good instead of worrying who likes you and who doesn’t.  To recap, the four steps are – #1 acknowledge the pattern of needing the world to like you, #2 commit to actively working on it, #3 refocus your energy from them back to yourself, and #4 do the emotional work as it comes up. In conclusion, trying to get everyone to like you is so draining. And it really gets in the way of feeling good about yourself. So, as you work to learn happier habits and refocus your energy on yourself, you’ll feel so much better.  Remember, it’s a process that can take a long time. But you deserve to feel good, so the journey is worth it. The post How to Stop Trying to Get Everyone to Like You appeared first on Holly Soulié Emotional Health.

    8 min

  5. 02/01/2022

    How I Healed My Codependency

    Episode Transcript Hey everyone! Welcome to another episode of Time of Feel. I’m your hostess, Holly Soulie, and today, we’re going to talk about overcoming codependency. When you find out you’re codependent, it can be a little shocking. That was definitely the case for me. But once I knew, I could start taking steps to work on it and try to overcome it. So, to start off, I want to share with you the moment where I realized I wasn’t healthy in my relationships. Back in 2011, I was doing a semester abroad in China. And even though I was studying marketing, I had regularly Skyped with my pharmacist father back home to ask him questions about my homework.  When I went to class the next day, I mentioned to my professor that I had asked my dad about the homework. Her response was, “Is your dad the source for everything in your life?” I had apparently been talking about him a lot, but I didn’t realize it was enough to have ever given someone this impression. Also, it really was silly to ask him questions on the topic I was studying. He had absolutely zero knowledge or expertise about marketing! In that moment, I was so ashamed. I remember going back to my apartment and crying because I was so upset with this realization. At that point, my dad really was the source of everything for me.  The more I thought about it, the more it became clear that I wasn’t very independent from him. In fact, when I researched “how to be independent from your parents,” I discovered codependency. So, what is Codependency? Well, I found on Psychology Today that codependency is defined as a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Yikes. Reading that, I knew it described what I was experiencing. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to do. But a switch had been turned on inside of me. So, I decided to start finding ways to become more independent and to emotionally rely less on my friends and loved ones. Here’s how I did that. The first step was that I Started Getting in Touch with Myself as an individual. Because, one of the problems with codependency is something called enmeshment. That’s where you lose sight of where you begin, and where the other person ends. So, I decided to start journaling to figure out who I was. This was the simplest, cheapest way I could start spending quality time with myself. Every day, I wrote down the question, who am I? And each day I would record my response. Sometimes it would be a drawing, sometimes it would be words. Whatever came to me that day is what I would put down. As I started doing this daily exercise in my journal, I began to spend more time with my own ideas of who I truly am in a way that no one else could define for me. Also, I started discovering what I wanted for myself. And it helped me see myself more as an individual, and less as someone who was merely quote on quote codependent. So, step one was that I started getting in touch with my individuality. Step #2 was that I started Addressing all of my Uncomfortable, Repressed Emotions When I was journaling, I realized that I had a lot of repressed emotions toward my dad, especially. And they were really deep and intense. Actually, according to Psych Central, painful emotions are one of the symptoms of codependency. And when these emotions become too much, you can actually feel numb, which is what I was experiencing. At that point, I had years and years worth of pent up emotions toward my dad – literally a lifetime’s worth –  that I first of all, was never allowed to express. And second, I never even let myself acknowledge their existence. I was just numb to all my feelings back then. Honestly, they were pretty overwhelming, and I just didn’t have the skills to work through them myself. So, I decided to reach out. That was step #2, I started addressing uncomfortable, repressed emotions. Then, step #3 was that I Talked to Someone about it Since I was a student with little income, I couldn’t afford seeing a therapist. Ideally, that’s what I would have done at the time if I could have. But because our society still doesn’t value mental healthcare the way we desperately need it to, I started where I could, which was by talking to people I loved and trusted. I opened up to friends about what I was going through, and they helped support me and validate my experience. Telling my friends helped me feel like I wasn’t alone, that other people struggled with codependency, that I wasn’t crazy and there wasn’t anything wrong with me. And the more I discussed it, the more resources I discovered. This is when I met an affordable counselor. I started having sessions with her about every two weeks. We would discuss my issues and she would help me get clear with my emotions. Between getting support from friends and seeing my counselor, I was able to build a foundation of independence and self-esteem. That was step #3, that I started talking to people about trying to grow out of codependency and building a support system for myself. Next, step #4, I began discovering my Boundaries and setting them in my Relationships As I was growing stronger in my sense of self and working through my emotions, I realized it was time to define my boundaries and to set them in my close relationships. So, I started asking myself what was ok for me and what wasn’t. I would check in with my emotions to point me in the right direction. Then, I slowly worked up the courage to verbalize those boundaries to the people around me. For example, if a family member tried to put me on a guilt trip, I would tell them that I would continue the conversation only if the guilt was left out of it. This part was a HUGE adjustment for me. Because, up until then, I was so deep into my codependent habits, that I would never communicate when I disagreed with someone, if I had an issue or if someone hurt my feelings. I would just ignore those things and keep them inside. But as I kept working on it, I became more and more clear about what my boundaries actually were. And as I learned what was ok for me in my relationships and what wasn’t, I started making it my reality. So, step 4 was to discover my boundaries and start setting them. The final step was that I Became Dedicated Long-Term to working on my codependent habits. So, even though I discovered I was codependent many years ago, it still took me a long time to get to a place where I felt healthier. Personally, I was raised on extreme codependency. And to get healthier, I had to learn by teaching myself what healthy looked like, and by practicing new patterns and habits. Most importantly, I had to become dedicated to improving my own behaviors for the long haul because they were so ingrained in me. So, remember to be patient and give yourself time as you overcome codependency. It’s totally possible, but it’ll take time. The beautiful part is that when you start working on it in the tough relationships (like for me, with my parents), your growth and inner work also translates to your other relationships as well. To recap, the 5 steps were, first, to start getting in touch with yourself as an individual. Two, address uncomfortable, repressed emotions. Three, get professional support and talk to people you can trust about it. Four, discover what your boundaries actually are, then start setting them. Five, remain dedicated to this process longterm. I want to end by saying that codependency can be a super heavy label. And I don’t think it needs to be that way. Back when I first discovered I had a lot of codependent tendencies, I was so ashamed and shocked. Even though I saw myself as very independent, the truth was that I relied heavily on others to feel good about myself. As I got to know who I was as Holly, an individual, a lot of that codependency went away. But the truth is that overcoming codependency is a long-term project. And it doesn’t have to be shameful. At its heart, it’s just a journey of discovering who you truly are on a deeper level. You’re not worthless if you have codependent tendencies. Your value is not determined by this. And getting to a place where you feel independent, strong and healthy is absolutely possible. That’s all for today’s episode, thank you so much for listening. If you’re trying to heal codependency and figure out what your boundaries are, check out my video course called Discovering Your Boundaries. Podcast listeners can get 20% off for the month of January with code PODCAST20. Visit courses.hollysoulie.com to come learn with me today!  The post How I Healed My Codependency appeared first on Holly Soulié Emotional Health.

    10 min

  6. 01/17/2022

    How to Start Trusting Yourself

    Hey everyone. Welcome to another episode of Time to Feel. It’s been a little while since our last episode. I’ve had some intense months recently. I unfortunately lost my dad around Thanksgiving and have been on the roller coaster of grief. But I’m back now, and I’m so glad you’re joining me. So today, we’re going to be talking about how to build self-trust. This is an important topic to me, because trusting yourself is absolutely crucial to having inner peace, feeling good about yourself and having a version of life that feels right for you. So, let’s get right into it. My first tip to start trusting yourself is to start making one small promise to yourself on a daily basis, and keeping it no matter what. When I first started paying attention to my emotions and getting to know who I am, I was very intentional about rebuilding trust with myself. Up until that point, I had spent my life trusting everyone else more than I trusted myself. I thought everyone knew better than me. So, after 20 years of being in a codependent relationship with my dad and my entire family, my self-trust was very deteriorated. So, I wanted to prove to myself that I could rely on myself no matter what. So, I decided to do one simple thing each day at the same time to start establishing that trustworthiness, and in turn, my own confidence. I started with something very low-stake. Meaning, if I missed doing it, I wouldn’t lose anything. What I chose to do was say the Lord’s Prayer every single day at noon. At that time, I was a nanny in Boulder, Colorado. So, midday, I knew I would be eating lunch with the little girls I took care of. I would glance at the clock and as soon as it hit noon, I would say the Lord’s Prayer in my head. And I did that every day for many years. Even today, I still see the clock strike 12 and I’ll think that Prayer to myself. What I established from keeping this promise was two things. One, I proved to myself over a long period of time that I could trust myself to do one tiny thing each day no matter what. That gave me a lot more confidence than I expected, because by doing it, I was providing myself with concrete evidence that I could start trusting myself. And maybe if I could do this small thing, I could probably trust myself to do bigger, more important things. The second thing I established by keeping this specific promise to myself was that I could do something on my own without any external reminders. I didn’t use an alarm or any notifications on my phone to remind me to say the Lord’s Prayer at twelve exactly. It required me to use my own will forces to dedicate my energy to something that was important to me. So, it also strengthened my will. If you choose to do something every day to start building trust with yourself, you don’t necessarily need to do it at the same time like I did. But start as small as possible and choose something low stake that you won’t have any negative consequences from. You could promise yourself to flip a light switch off and on when you use it. Or to click your pen three times sometime during the day. Just little, silly things that don’t make a difference to anyone but you. Over time, you’ll start feeling different toward yourself. Not only will you slowly build trust with yourself, but you’ll also start feeling more connected to yourself because you’re dedicating time to your own growth. So, that’s my first tip – to make one small, inconsequential promise to yourself every day, and keep it no matter what. My next tip to build self-trust is to pay attention to what your emotions are trying to tell you, and to honor those messages. Your emotions are an important part of your inner guidance system. They’re here to help you live a life that’s aligned with your personal truth. So, if you deny them or push them away, then you’re pushing a part of your inner wisdom away. Also, when you bottle up your emotions, you send the message to yourself that a part of you isn’t trustworthy, the emotional part. I can attest to this big time. I pushed my emotions away up until I was about 20 years old. I hated having emotions. I hated feeling. I never wanted to feel anything. And I believed that my feelings were the source of my issues. If I could only get myself to stop feeling, then I could go about my life the way I wanted to and could just stay focused and be stable. However, when I decided to stop pushing them away so much and slowly started allowing myself to feel them, I realized that they connected me to my truth – something that I had been longing for and was disconnected from for so long. And what truth do your emotions connect you to? Your boundaries. When your boundaries are breached, your emotions always let you know. Also, your desires. When you want something, your emotions will tell you. Finally, your emotions connect you to your needs. If you have a need that isn’t getting met, your emotions will also tell you. All of this combined leads you to the truth of who you are, what you need to live your version of a healthy life, and what desires you have to help you experience the joy you want. One example of how listening to my emotions changed my life comes from when I was in college. When I first went to university, I decided to major in biochemistry so that I could go to pharmacy school and become a pharmacist like my parents. So I enrolled in the University of Nevada in Las Vegas my freshman year to start my studies. And I absolutely hated it. I didn’t enjoy any of my classes, I had no energy and I just felt like I was dragging myself through the experience. A year into college, I knew for sure that I didn’t want to become a pharmacist. So, I decided to move to marketing because it sounded fun. I knew when I thought about it that I felt light and hopeful, that my life was full of possibilities. The minute I did that, things changed. I started enjoying myself. I loved the classes, I got an amazing internship at PBS where I met one of my dearest friends/and now adopted godmother Mary, and things just felt right. My emotions were no longer trying to give me the message that I needed to make a change. By honoring that message, I got to a place that was much better for me. Honoring your emotions doesn’t necessarily mean you do whatever you feel like. No. Honoring your emotions means that you acknowledge they exist, that you’re having them, and that they are legitimate even if you don’t always understand them. Once you start honoring your feelings, you get to a more honest, whole place with yourself. From there, you can start planting the seeds of self-trust. To recap, tip #2 for building self-trust is to acknowledge and honor your emotions. My last tip is to forgive yourself for the times you break your own trust. If you’re listening to this, chances are that you have broken your own trust before. I know I definitely have. Breaking your own trust means doing something that goes against what feels true for you. So for example, when you say yes when you’d really rather say no, you break your own trust. When you don’t speak up for your needs, you break trust with yourself. Or when you don’t keep a promise to yourself, you break your own trust. But as you start rebuilding or strengthening trust with yourself, you’ll most likely make mistakes along the way. It’s totally normal, and it’s totally ok. It’s how you learn. So, for those times where you say yes when you want to say no, forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. BUT! Learn from it. Remember how it feels to break your own trust, and recommit to do better for yourself next time. Just like how a plant can’t flourish without sunlight, you can’t thrive without being kind and gentle with yourself. And when you’re kind to yourself, you establish even more self-trust because you show yourself that you have your own back, even when you make mistakes. So, let’s do a final recap on how to build self-trust. #1: keep one small promise to yourself every day and keep it. #2: acknowledge and honor your emotions. And #3: forgive yourself as you rebuild trust. You’re only human. That’s all for today’s episode! Thank you so much for listening. We’ll see you next time. If you want more information about how to understand your emotions, check out my eBook and workbook, called How to Identify and Process Your Emotions. Podcast listeners can get 30% off the regular price for the month of January, with code PODCAST30. Visit hollysoulie.com/shop to claim your discount now. The post How to Start Trusting Yourself appeared first on Holly Soulié Emotional Health.

    10 min

  7. 08/23/2021

    What to Do When You Don't Feel Like Doing Anything

    Hey everyone! Welcome back to another episode of Time to Feel. I took some time off from podcasting to recharge my batteries and enjoy the summer. One of the things I’ve had to focus on during the pandemic is managing my energy levels. Like many people, I’ve been working consistently since the beginning of 2020, and actually since mid-2019. My husband Nick and I have stayed in Canada this entire time, which is difficult because our families live in the US and France. So, normally, we’ll go see them a few times each year. But with covid, being able to vacation and take REAL time off hasn’t been much of an option. Because of that, I’ve found myself getting burnt out and feeling unmotivated more than normal. Also, since I’m self-employed, everything I do comes from me. I have to be self-motivated, and sometimes that’s difficult. Sometimes, I find myself wanting to lay on the couch all day, or to just zone out and play the Sims for hours on end. So, what do you do when this happens? I want to give you my best tips for those days when you just don’t feel like doing anything at all. First of all, when you don’t feel like doing anything, this can actually be your body’s signal that it’s time to rest. So, give yourself a break. Depending on how exhausted I feel is how much time I’ll take off. So, if I’m just feeling a little blah, I’ll let myself chill for an hour or two. Then, I might be good and feel like getting back to work right away. But if I’m feeling completely drained, I’ll take more time off. For instance, if I feel zero inspiration or drive whatsoever, I’ll take a step back and see how I can help myself recharge. Sometimes that means taking 2 days off. Sometimes that means taking a full week off and doing my own stay-cation. Depending on your life, and the work you have, it might not be possible for you to take time off whenever you want. So, see where you can give yourself mini-breaks and really commit to it. If you’re going to take an hour off and you work from home, tell your family that you’re unavailable for that time, and do something you really enjoy. Or if you’re going to take an afternoon off, don’t look at your emails during that time. Rest is SO incredibly important. If you don’t rest, you can’t get stuff done when you actually have things you need to do. But also…please remember that life isn’t ALL about being productive. You’re still a human being. You’re still living through a pandemic. You’re going to need rest more than normal. So, give yourself that time to recover. Tip #2 is to change gears and switch it up. If you’ve been staring at your computer without any ideas or motivation to complete your to-do list, get up and do something else. I love taking my dog Pluto for walks throughout the day because it helps my mind unplug from work. You can also get out a book and read for a little while, play a video game or call a friend and chat for a bit. Do whatever will feel good for you for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour – however long you want. Then, go back to work and see if you have motivation. A lot of times, I’ll be able to find a little more gas in my energetic tank after unplugging for a while. And if it doesn’t work and I STILL don’t feel like doing anything, that’s my cue to rest for a longer period of time. Trust yourself that you’ll get back to it when you’re ready. My third tip for when you don’t feel like doing anything is to start small. Choose one thing from you to-do list that’s the easiest to complete. Maybe that means answering one brief email or updating your calendar. A lot of times when I do something that takes minimal mental energy, it gets the ball rolling and I discover more motivation and can keep working for a while. Other times, if that’s all I can manage, then I’ll do something else for a while after that. It’s all about nurturing yourself and seeing what else you might need in that moment to feel better. Another tip is to write the top 3 most important things you need to complete that day. Focus on doing just those three things. Once you do, you can allow yourself to relax. And if your brain tries to trick you and say that you should be working more, you can remind yourself that you did your top 3 tasks and that you’re DONE for the day. As a business owner, I really struggle with this because there really IS always more to do. My brain is constantly telling me I haven’t done enough. But once I’ve done my 3 most important tasks, I give myself permission to relax and recharge. My final tip for when you’re feeling unmotivated is to check-in with yourself, because there might be underlying reasons you’re feeling this way. Have you been feeling unmotivated for a long period of time? Is this a pattern? If it is, it might be time to check-in with your doctor and see if there’s anything you can do to improve how you’re feeling. Personally, I take antidepressants to help me balance my mental health. I have a great doctor that I check-in with every month to manage my stress levels and adjust accordingly. It’s made a world of difference for me to be on medication. I used to have a lot of meltdowns and couldn’t find any hope. So, if you’re struggling and can’t find hope, don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor, ok? Another thing I do is talk to my therapist. When I’m having a harder time, I’ll talk to her more often so I feel supported. Other times, I feel great and don’t need to talk to her as often. It’s totally up to you how you get support. So, check in with yourself and see if this is a long-term thing and what you need to do about it. And remember, your value as a person is NOT determined by how productive you are, or how many things you get done on a daily basis. We’ve all got things to do, but resting is super important. Your mental health is super important. Be gentle with yourself. Ok friends, that’s it for our discussion today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe and leave a review. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next time. If you enjoyed today’s show, join my healing community called the Feel and Heal Crew. Each month, you’ll receive emotional health resources and live trainings with me, Holly Soulié. It’s a safe space community where kind members from all over the world support each other in improving their emotional health. Podcast listeners can receive 10% off for the month of August, even if you’re already a member! Visit courses.hollysoulie.com for more info and to sign up today. The post What to Do When You Don’t Feel Like Doing Anything appeared first on Holly Soulié Emotional Health.

    7 min

  8. 06/22/2021

    Time to Feel, Episode 3: How to Stand Up for Yourself

    Episode Transcript I recently got a question from a listener: ‘how can you start standing up for yourself? I have such a hard time doing it because I don’t want people to not like me.’ First of all, thanks for sending me your question. This is something I’ve struggled with, and I know a lot of my blog readers do as well. So, let’s talk about it. How can you start standing up for yourself or speaking up when it’s difficult? The first thing I would say is decide if it’s worth it. There are times when it’ll be really important for you to stand up for yourself, and other times that it’s ok to just let it slide. For example, I used to have a coworker who would frequently come to me with 9-11 emergency situations. After a while of helping her at the drop of a hat, I got really sick of bending over backwards for her. So, I stood up to her, which was really scary for me because this woman was very intense and confrontational. But I did it anyway. I was all shaky, and nervous. I told her I couldn’t help her this time because my plate was too full, and that in the future I would need more notice so I could organize my other tasks as well. Well, she did NOT take it very well. She blew up at me, and stormed out of the room. We could definitely classify this as an emotional bullying situation. I let her have those emotions (which is something we’ll talk about next), and just kept my distance. I also let my manager know what happened, and luckily she supported me. So, it was a difficult moment. But that coworker DID start giving me a bit more notice when she needed my help after that. So for me in that situation, not only was it worth it to stand up for myself, it was also crucial for my mental health. However, there are other times when it’s just not worth it to speak up or stand up for yourself. For instance, once I went to a meet-up group here in Montreal, where I was playing board games with new people. And when I told the group I was from Utah, one man asked me if my father was a polygamist, which he isn’t. But I found that to be a very offensive question to ask someone you’re just meeting. Like, how personal can you get? Asking someone you just met about their parent’s marital situation. So, since this guy was just an acquaintance, I didn’t have anything invested in that relationship. It’s a low-value relationship for me. He didn’t affect my day-to-day life, and I would probably never see him again. So, it’s not a relationship that I wanted to invest much energy into. So, I just told him, ‘I don’t really want to talk about that.’ And I moved on. However, I could have gone into the history of Utah, how the state was built by Mormon polygamists, but now modern Mormons no longer practice polygamy. But I didn’t because it wasn’t worth it to me. And for those moments when you decide you don’t need to speak up, don’t shame or judge yourself for it. Not every situation calls for it. But it’s up to you to decide if it IS worth it given the context. My next tip is that you need to allow people to have their emotions when you stand up for yourself. You never know how they’ll react. They might react way better or way worse than you expect. But whatever the outcome, remember that you can’t control how people think or feel. In the example with my coworker, I could have done emotional care taking and tried to take responsibility for her emotional reaction. I could have apologized for upsetting her, or I could have backtracked with what I said and offered to do her last minute project out of guilt, which is what my natural instinct was trying to tell me to do. But I stayed firm, even though it was difficult. I’m not saying that you need to be a jerk and speak recklessly without caring how you might affect other people. I’m saying that when you decide to speak up, you cannot control how the other person responds. So, no matter how the other person reacts, remind yourself that they’re allowed to their emotions and reactions. Next, you have to give yourself grace with how your words come out. When you’re not used to standing up for yourself, you might just blurt out the words, or say things in an awkward way. But you have to forgive yourself for it. Once I hired a contractor for some work, and I noticed she was spending her time on things that weren’t a priority for me. So, I decided to tell her that I would rather that she focus on these other things. And since I felt so uncomfortable about speaking up, I said it in the strangest way. I don’t remember my exact words, but I do remember that my wording was far from perfect. It was all ok in the end though. So, if you start standing up for yourself and happen to put your foot in your mouth, forgive yourself for it. It’s totally ok. It takes practice, but you’ll get better at it. My last tip is to always back yourself up. The listener who sent this question in said she doesn’t want people to ‘not like her.’ And I really get that, and struggled with that myself. So, you’ll probably get mixed reactions when you stand up for yourself. Some people might get turned off from it, and yes, it’s possible that they won’t like you. But some people might actually respect you for it. For me, I know that I respect people when they speak up or disagree when everyone else in the room thinks something different than them. It takes courage, it’s not easy to do. Standing up for yourself specifically to family is hard. Standing up to people close to you is hard. There’s just no getting around that. But when I look back to when it was most difficult to stand up for myself and I did it anyway, those moments were really pivotal in my personal growth. It’s a rite of passage to stand up for yourself. You gain so much self-respect and confidence when you start showing up for yourself in those difficult moments. And to me, that feels way better than having everyone like you, because it helps you like yourself. Liking yourself is a beautiful feeling. And the more you like who you are, you slowly stop needing every single person to like you. Standing up for yourself helps you clarify who’s there to support you, and who isn’t. It’s a win all around. So, let’s recap. When you want to speak up and start standing up for yourself, you first need to decide if it’s worth it or not given the specific situation. Then, you have to allow the other person to react however they react. Let THEM take responsibility for their feelings. Third, remember that you don’t have to say things perfectly when you speak up. Forgive yourself when you don’t say the exact right thing. Finally, remember to back yourself up when you stand up for yourself. Think loving positive thoughts that reinforce your decision to support yourself. And remember, it’s not as scary as you think. You can totally do it. If you want more information about how to understand your emotions, check out my eBook and workbook, called How to Identify and Process Your Emotions. Podcast listeners can get 10% off the regular price for the month of June, with code PODCAST10. Visit hollysoulie.com/shop to claim your discount now. The post Time to Feel, Episode 3: How to Stand Up for Yourself appeared first on Holly Soulié Emotional Health.

    8 min

  9. 06/08/2021

    Time to Feel, Episode 2: How to Process Your Emotions

    Episode Transcript Hey friends, welcome to the second episode of Time to Feel. I’m your hostess, Holly Soulié. And today we’re going to talk about how to process your emotions in 3 steps. Before we dive in, I want to start with a disclaimer. Processing your emotions isn’t for everyone, so please check with a medical professional to see if it’s ok for you. Now, let’s get into it! So, for me, I kind of bumped into processing my emotions on my own. Let me tell you about it. When I was 23, I moved by myself across the country to Asheville, North Carolina. I was on a mission to get to know who I really was. I had just left Mormonism, and wanted to know who I was out of the context I had always known. I got the cutest little studio apartment – and for the first – and only time ever – I lived alone. Well, actually, I wasn’t completely alone. I adopted my cat named Valentin. And it was just the two of us in that little corner apartment, with worn out hardwood floors, and a blue tiled fireplace. I loved that place so much. It became a haven for me to explore myself and who I was becoming. So, when I had a hard day at work, or was upset, or homesick, I wanted to know WHY. Like, why was I feeling so many emotions? What did that mean for me? I would pour myself into my journal and write out everything I was feeling. And, as you might remember from last time, I totally shoved my emotions down for my entire life up until that point. So, investigating my feelings was something very new for me. And the more I started paying attention to my emotions, the better I began to know myself. It helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin, more at peace. And I loved how that felt, so I wanted to do it as much as I could. So, what does it mean to process your emotions? Basically, it’s when you take the feedback that your emotions are trying to give you, and break it down into digestible pieces of information that you can understand and do something about. It also decreases your stress to break down your feelings. Esther Perel is one of my favorite therapists. And something she always says is that it’s stress-relieving to name your own emotions. If you can get past the initial layer of saying, ‘I’m stressed,’ or ‘I’m anxious,’ and go beneath what that actually means, you decrease your stress. Then, it empowers you to better figure out strategies to help yourself feel better. So, for instance, if you’re upset by something but you’re not sure exactly what you’re feeling or why, you could sit down with yourself and try to figure that out.  So, now I’ll share with you my formula for how to process your emotions in 3 steps. Step #1 is to write out the who, what, when and why of your upsetting emotion. Basically, that means writing down the entire situation in as much detail as possible. So, you’d write out WHO is involved in your upsetting emotion. Is it just you? Is it your boss, your spouse, your in-law? Write out who is upsetting you in the particular instance. Then you’d write out WHAT about the situation is upsetting you. Are you upset because you got passed up for a promotion, because you feel like someone is taking advantage of you, or because you can’t find motivation? Whatever is upsetting you, try to name describe it. And if you aren’t sure about what’s bothering you, ask yourself what it MIGHT be about. If you DID know what was upsetting you, what would that be? So, step one is to write about what happened, who was involved and why it upsets you. Then the second step is to detail how that makes you feel. When my boss passed me up for a promotion, it made me feel angry, it made me feel invisible, it made me feel like I don’t matter. Or, when my in-law ignores my calls, it makes me feel frustrated, confused or powerless. Or if the upset is with yourself, you’d say, it makes me feel depressed when I can’t find motivation. And that makes me feel sad, hopeless and small. Just keep writing out all the anger, all the upset, all the frustration. So, step two is to write out all the emotions that come up for you. Then the last step is to decide what you want to do about the situation so that you feel resolved. Now, that could mean a lot of things. In the situation where you got passed up for a promotion, what do you need to do to help yourself feel resolved? Does that mean you need to speak to your boss about it? Or does it mean that you need to just feel all the frustration and simply let the feeling pass? Or does it mean you want to get some more training to up your game at work? In our example with your in-law who ignores your calls, how could you help yourself get resolved? Does it mean you need to contact them some other way like by writing them an email? Or does it mean that you need to have your spouse step in and contact them for you? Maybe you need to assert yourself with them and verbalize a boundary by saying, hey it doesn’t work for me when you ghost me. How can be get better communication channels between us? In the example when you’re upset with yourself because you can’t seem to find motivation, what could you do to help yourself feel resolved? Maybe you need to reach out and get support from a loved one, or a therapist. Or maybe it means you need to forgive yourself for not having motivation, and allow the frustration to pass. However you decide to help yourself feel better is up to you. And there’s no magic formula or right answer. It’s all about checking in with yourself to explore what would bring you emotional resolution in the upsetting situation. So to recap, the three steps to process your emotions are 1- to write out everything about the upsetting situation. 2- to write out how it makes you feel. Then 3- to decide what – if anything – you want to do about the situation to bring about emotional resolution. Personally, I find it so exciting that your emotions help guide you forward. The more you tune into what they’re telling you, the better you get to know yourself. So, that’s all for this week’s episode! Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next time! If you enjoyed today’s podcast, join the Feel and Heal Crew. It’s a monthly membership where I, Holly Soulié, provide you with resources and live trainings on how to improve your emotional health, with other kind and like-minded community members. It’s a private, safe space, and we’d love for you to join. Visit hollysoulie.com/membership for more info and to sign up today. The post Time to Feel, Episode 2: How to Process Your Emotions appeared first on Holly Soulié Emotional Health.

    8 min

  10. 05/21/2021

    How to Stop Hating Your Emotions

    Episode Transcript Hey friends and welcome to the very first episode of Time to Feel, a podcast to increase your emotional health. I’m your hostess Holly Soulié. And today we’re going to talk about how to stop hating your emotions. But since it’s our very first episode, I want to tell you about who I am, what I do and why.  I am the owner of Holly Soulié Emotional Health, and I create emotional health resources for kind people so that you can embrace your emotions and reclaim your power. I’m also the founder of the Feel and Heal Crew, a healing community where I train you on how to work through one emotional health topic each month. We talk about things like people pleasing, codependency, setting boundaries, and lots more. My why, the reason why I do this is because, well, I want to. And it makes me happy.  But also because my whole life growing up, I suppressed my emotions. It was what everyone around me did, and so that’s all that I really knew how to do.  I honestly never thought about what I was feeling. Anytime I felt something, I would get very annoyed with myself and would push the feeling away, and just tried to go on my life the best I could. But that stopped working for me when I was 17, because my dad went to prison for committing a white collar crime.  And my entire world came crumbling down around me.  My dad and I were like two peas in a pod. He was my rock, he was pretty much the world to me. We were highly codependent, but that’s a story for another time.  When my dad went to prison, my mom relied heavily on me for emotional support. So, I basically became the parent to my mom at that age. And since my siblings were all out of the house already, it was just the two of us. On top of that, I was about to graduate high school and felt very alone with my dad gone. I was about to go out into the world, and I didn’t feel like I had any guidance or any idea about what to do with my life. With all that, I broke down pretty hard. I stopped eating. Getting out of bed was a daily battle. And I felt like I had no purpose or support.  It was the darkest point of my life.  I didn’t have the skills to manage all the things I was feeling.  But somehow I managed to barely make it out of that period. But I was completely numb, suicidal and was weighed down by years of suppressed emotions.  Fast forward two years to when my friend called me up. He told me that his mom had just done some group therapy program and that he had never actually seen her happy before. Then he invited me to try it out with him. So we went with a group of friends to this weekend program for self-realization. And at one point, the group facilitator had us address our own anger. They walked us through how to work through all these pent up emotions. And their method was to have us hit pillows or a chair or to yell. It was a safe space where they coached us through it all. That was new for me. But I really went for it.  After that exercise, I felt so different. I felt alive again in a way that I hadn’t in years, if ever. And I felt so connected to myself.  And I was hooked. The only thing I wanted after that was to make that feeling last as long as possible, the feeling of being me. Of loving myself, of feeling so proud and radiant in my own skin.  Little by little, I started tuning into my emotions. If I was feeling sad, I would look at it and question myself about it.  I also read as much as I could about emotions, and how to feel good.  As I became quote on quote better friends with my emotions, it caused me to make a lot of significant changes in my life – changes for the better. Changes that made me happier. One of them was leaving the religion I was brought up in, Mormonism. Because I realized it was making me so miserable. It just wasn’t for me. But leaving was like breathing for the first time. I could finally be myself.  I started living my life in a way that was in harmony with my inner life, with my instincts, my feelings, wherever my inner compass guided me, I would go. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard. It’s still hard. Doing the thing that feels good to you isn’t always an easy path.  But here I am today, and I have become more or less at peace with all of my emotions. But it wasn’t always like that. And I still have moments where I get frustrated because I’m feeling something uncomfortable that I wish I wasn’t feeling. But back in the day, I would straight up hate myself for having strong emotions. I would feel so much shame for being angry, or for being sad or disappointed. And I know a lot of people resonate with this. Whenever I talk to my Instagram audience about it, there are always so many people who say that they also get annoyed with themselves when they feel any negative emotions.  And you know, the other day, I was doing some research for a blog post. And you know how Google will show you the most Googled similar searches for you? Well, one of the ones that came up for how to feel, was how to feel nothing.  So enough people are searching for how to completely erase their emotions.  It kind of broke my heart to see that. But I get it.  Here’s what I would tell you to do if you hate your emotions. First of all, know that you’re not alone in this. Like I just mentioned, it’s sadly very common that people hate how they feel. So, allow yourself to be comforted by the fact that countless other people out there aren’t so different from you. Remember this the next time you’re beating up on yourself for feeling something uncomfortable. That you are not the only one, and you’re not alone. Second, try to start noticing – in the moment – when you’re actually doing it. So, for example, when you’re feeling really down or lonely and you’re mad at yourself for feeling those ways, try to catch yourself doing it. And say, hmm, I’m really annoyed that I’m even feeling this way right now. And that’s it. You don’t have to do anything else, just start noticing in those moments when you’re frustrated about your own emotions. Because awareness can lead to change. But you have to be aware first. So just start noticing more and more as you go when you’re hating your emotions.  Then, third, once you’re getting better at noticing when those tough moments are happening, try to start saying nice things to yourself. So, for instance, you’re feeling super angry at yourself for being sad. When you notice that you’re feeling that inner anger or inner hatred toward yourself because of your emotions, say something kind to yourself, even if you don’t believe it yet. Something like, it’ll be ok, We’ve gotten through this before, we’ll do it again. Any nice thought that you can muster in those moments will go a long way. And it’s hard in the beginning to coach yourself through those moments. It’s still hard for me sometimes too. But when you can start saying kind things to yourself, you start building a bridge between your conscious mind, and your emotions. Little by little, your mind can become a safe space in those emotional moments.  So let’s recap on what to do if you hate your emotions: One, know that you’re not alone, you aren’t the only one out there to hate your emotions. Please take comfort in that. Two, start noticing in the moment when you’re hating your emotions. Three, say nice things to yourself in those tough moments, even if you don’t believe them. Just keep doing it.  So, that’s it for us today. I hope you enjoyed it. We’ll be back with more episodes soon, so thank you for listening.  If you enjoyed today’s podcast, join the Feel and Heal Crew. It’s a monthly membership where I, Holly Soulié, provide you with resources and live trainings on how to improve your emotional health, with other kind and like-minded community members. It’s a private, safe space, and we’d love for you to join. Visit hollysoulie.com/membership for more info and to sign up today. The post Time to Feel, Episode 1: How to Stop Hating Your Emotions appeared first on Holly Soulié Emotional Health.

    11 min
  • 10 Episodes

Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
6 Ratings

About

Time to Feel is a podcast to help you improve your emotional health. Hosted with Holly Soulié, you’ll learn tips and stories from her own experiences, and how to take back your power from your emotions and your baggage.

Information

  • Creator
    Holly Soulié
  • Years Active
    2021 - 2024
  • Episodes
    10
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Show Website
    Time to Feel