WORST PLACE ON EARTH WPOE

from LOCAL 6 NEWS CLICK ORLANDO: "Florida man accused of trying to steal horses, riding them home."

What kind of man breaks into his neighbor's barn to rename his neighbor's horses? A cowboy kind of man. A cowboy kind of Florida man.
Vaxxed and unmasked, the WPOE team returns in-person for the Season One Finale to talk about life in pre-post-pandemic Floridamerica. Then they take a pause to listen to the wind whistle through the bramble bush, as Caleb recounts his first-person encounter with the legendary black horseman of the Brooklyn Queens Expressway, Jess describes the singular sensation of renting a ride at the Dark Horse Stables of California, and Matt appreciates the sights and sounds of the nearly-defunct Harness Track of Hialeah. All of this to answer one simple question: What does it mean to be a cowboy when DeSantis is the new Sheriff in town? Jess follows up with a review of the Western landscape paintings of Eric Bin Laden, Osama's other son; Caleb reveals what horses and dolphins really think of their human overlords; and Miami's one and only haunted cowboy duo, DRACULA, show us all what happens when the wandering ghost of a lonely Bandolero plays you a lullaby in the parlor of an abandoned funeral home. We know what you're thinking, but don't worry, folks. There will be plenty of alligator stuff in the next installment. And gun stuff. And swamp stuff. And homemade hot tubs. Just the way Florida likes it.

from LOCAL 10 NEWS: Florida woman drops pants, licks man, dances naked in Waffle House parking lot

Heather installed a stripper-pole in her living room. You can imagine what happens next. But you don't have to imagine, do you? That's what we're here for. The WPOE team discusses the origin story of Waffle House and Trump's ties to Cracker Barrel then embarks on a three-state tour of America's strip-clubs, landing, inevitably, in South Florida, where the Stripper Sushi Guild reigns supreme. Jess eulogizes the late King of Diamonds, a place where the forecast was always "rainy with a chance of meatballs;" Matt tells us about that one time at Tootsies, when he witnessed an eligible bachelor get neutered by a parade of high-altitude crotch-bombs; then Caleb serenades everyone with an acapella version of Major Lazer's "Pon De Floor." This is all bookended by Miami's premiere (strip) club mix-master, DJ Wasabi, the self-proclaimed Resident DJ of E11EVEN, where, apparently, Jess is applying for a job and Matt wants to have lunch. On a Tuesday. Bust out those imaginary strip-club compilation CD's because we're going on a field-trip, Florida!

from the HERALD TRIBUNE: "Florida man steals parrot from Venice pet store by putting bird in shorts pocket"

COVID-19 is a lonely planet, especially for people like Roger, who's been looking for love in all the wild places. Speaking of wild places, it's Spring Break in Florida, and all the masks are off! The WPOE Team tracks our collective Covid trauma from points north all the way down to the mojito-splattered streets of Ocean Drive. Caleb lays out in laymen's terms what to do if you grow a pheromone-horn while on your sojourn in South Florida; Jess wonders what's on the menu at a QAnon burlesque brunch; and Matt imagines what the KUERDAS Reggae Band's rehearsal room smells like. Hint: Everything's covered in Covid. And we are all Ivanka Trump's maid now. Hope you brought a dust-pan, America.

Zip-Tie Guy and his Mom tell their side of the story in this Special Sedition Edition of WPOE.

And the WPOE Team returns with a rendition of Jess's favorite 90's gay-raver tune, "I Do Both Jay and Jane." Caleb pitches his million-dollar idea: Tandem-Bike Capitol Riot Tours. And the Team lays out the pros and cons of Senator Joe McMansion's pandemic stimulus plan. Then, while discussing the astronomical cost of VIP Passes at this year's White Privilege-Palooza, Jess runs into Walmart Ted Nugent, Bernie Sanders gets a pedicure, and everyone else gets a free flesh-eating tadpole. It's no $15 an hour, but it's better than nothing. Time to light a bottle-rocket out of a frog's left eye and take those dirt-bikes out for a joy-ride! Also, why couldn't have Ivanka and Tadpole moved to Tampa? They would have fit right into Tom Brady's pool-house. Just saying.

from Orlando Sentinel: "Man stranded at Lake Eola fountain after stolen swan boat floats away"

from Travel + Leisure: "Man Arrested After Sneaking On To Abandoned Disney World Island For Quarantine"

Oh, the things people will do to make it to Disneyworld just one more time. After taking a long break in their own private pandemic staycation bunkers, Caleb, Jess, and Matt travel back in time to a place where Trump had Covid and Melania admitted to hating Christmas (and kids in cages). Then the team travels to California or Stockholm or wherever the Hadron Particle Collider is located to wax atomic about tiny black holes and the emergence of alternative facts in the inter-dimensional wormhole of a reality we currently reside in. Then they take a break to talk about A FLORIDA STORY and Old Bay action movies and eventually land in, of course, Disneyworld, the weird, glowing, fake emerald heart of Florida, where protein gas and ear wigs control everybody's every movement. Allegedly. There's even a cadre of heavy-metal playing Disney-bots involved. You can hear their soundtrack to the coming Disneypocalypse HERE. To wrap things up, Mo, Carl, and Tess talk about their podcast in that other dimension, Titles For Nothing, and Jess snaps back out of her time-warp to talk about all of those woodland sex parties she's being invited to. Let's not judge each other people; it's the Fall of Rome out here. Someone's fiddling on the rooftops, and that someone might just be Walt Disney's head. Happy Corona-Winter!

from NBC LOCAL NEWS: "Florida woman accused of zipping boyfriend in suitcase, leaving him to die"

Clara's not planning a vacation, but she still packed way too much for her trip. The WPOE team experiences technical difficulties while trying to pinpoint our place on the backwards Mayan calendar, then ponders the benefits of "extreme trauma packing" and the joys of "jaunting" one's troubles away.  Frozen Bros on NBC gets a plug, the team posts their reviews of IKEA's Dörkeltrier Bookcase and Hamilton on Disney+, QAnon is spellchecked, Scientologists are tested for COVID-19, and Caleb says a prayer for Tom Waits. Then, as if that wasn't a proper finish to an improper episode, Tom Cruise makes a cameo, and the team tries to avoid a lawsuit from one of Florida's shiniest country music rising-stars, ANDY PURSELL. Hopefully, if we abandon the Roman calendar, we can circumvent that second-wave. Because seriously, folks, forever is a lonely planet.