You Were Made for This John Certalic

Most of us like a good story. I have found that the best stories are those that draw us in with emotion. They’re usually about relationships and often contain a story within a story. I’ve got one of those for you today that I’m pretty sure you’re going to like.
 Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.
To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.
Today's relationship story The story I want to tell you today comes from a listener response to my recent August 8th email to those on our email list. The email was about that line I love from the PBS TV show, Call the Midwife, 
“We learn most when we listen to others”
Linda Crouch, a retired missionary now living in North Carolina, wrote to tell me how she’s come to appreciate the great value of people listening to one another. I was so fascinated by what she had to say and the story she told that illustrated the value of listening, that I thought it would make a great podcast episode if I interviewed her.
Linda graciously agreed to the interview that you’ll hear in just a minute. As you listen, I’d like you to see if you can identify the predominant emotion in the story. The relationships you’ll hear about are pretty obvious. But see if you can pick up on the emotion that makes hers a great story.
And then also, what do you hear as the story within her story? See if you can pick that out. So let’s get into it right now.
[I know some of you prefer to read rather than listen to what comes next, but I’m sorry there is no transcript of this best stories episode.]
Why today's story is one of the best stories I’ve heard in a while I don’t know about you, but what Linda just shared is one of the best stories I’ve heard in a while.  What an amazing thing she did in organizing a trip for her children and grandchildren to go back to a place where she and her 
husband spent almost 4 decades of their life. It’s where her kids grew up and where it formed such an important piece of her identity, and there’s as well.  She could have gone by herself, but she wanted her children to go back with her to experience the joy she experienced. I’m not going to do this, but it would be oh-so interesting to interview 1 or 2 of her adult children, and the same with a couple of the grandkids. To hear how this trip impacted them.
Another thing that made this one of the best stories I’ve heard this year is listening to Linda describe the joy she felt in returning to Nigeria with her family. This is the predominant emotion I heard. Joy. I also love how she talked about “the joy of resilience.”  What a breath of fresh air to hear this perspective.
And then there was her motive in going back, to say “thank you” to the people she worked with in Nigeria whom she and her husband Jim worked with and ministered to. I love that.  Just recently we hosted a missionary couple who retired this year after 50 some years working in a camping ministry who have been taking a “thank you tour” across the US. They’re meeting with those who have supported them for all these years and who made possible the work they were called to. All to say “thank you” for their faithful support. What a great idea.
The story within the story Finally, what made this one of the best stories I’ve heard this year is the story within Linda’s story. It’s the story of Meg and how she blessed Linda by

Hello everyone, I’m back!  To start season 8 of this podcast we’re going to talk about three relationship tools we can use to become better listeners this fall to deepen our relationships.
But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about. 
 Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles and relationship tools you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.
To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.
We're back from the off-season It’s been 6 months since Season 7 of You Were Made for This ended with episode 200. You might be wondering what I was doing during this time. If you’re on my email list you got an email every Wednesday during this off-season about all matter of things relationships related that was on my mind at the time. And many weeks the email had links to blog posts on our website. If you missed those, I’ll have a link to them at the bottom of the show notes. I’ll also post a link to get on my email list list if you are not already on it.
There’s a lot more I could share about the past off-season, but I want to get rolling today with this first episode, number 201, of season 8. Plus I want to announce a few changes at the end of today’s show that you’ll want to know about.
However, if you really are interested in knowing more about what I was up to while away from the podcast mic, I’d be happy to tell you all about it over dinner at your house. Wednesdays work best for me. And I know this always comes up, but the only food allergy I have is to coconut. Just so you know.
Okay, to kick off season 8 here near the beginning of September in 2023 we are going to take a look at 3 relationship tools to remember this September that will help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.
September is a perfect time to observe I’ll start with this. September is a perfect time to observe.
With the activities of summer in the rearview mirror for most of us, September is the time of year we return to the routines and rhythms of life. Vacations are finished for now, the kids are back in school, and the pace of life dials down a notch. September gives us space to look around and observe.  
Flowers we only see in the fall appear now. Here in the Upper Midwest of the US where I live, cone flowers, coreopsis, and black-eyed susans are in full bloom.
Observe relationships And it’s not just the beauty of nature that rewards us when we take time to look around in September. It’s also the beauty of relationships that can soothe our souls when we take time to observe them. I live in a neighborhood where a lot of people walk, and I’m one of them. 
While on a walk one early morning I came across a tall dad walking his small, young daughter to her bus stop on the first day of school. Hand in hand they walked, and you could tell they had a loving relationship. You could just tell. For those of you who are parents, first-day-of-school walks to the bus stop are over before you know it. The years just fly by. 
Observing that tall dad reminded me of how quickly our children grow up. While parenting is a lot of work - no doubt about it - there is much joy to experience as well. Like the joy of being there for your children as a new chapter of their life opens each September.
September also brings a measure of relational sadness at times. The other day I was talking with Dave, my next-door neighbor. He told me his oldest daughter

One relationship principle I’ve come to appreciate over time is the power of giving people the gift of hope when they have so little of it themselves.
It’s when you burn brightly with hope for others when their own hope is but a dying ember.
In several recent episodes, I shared a response from one of our listeners who wrote about feeling overwhelmed at how to develop relationships. She said she has no friends and is lonely. The hope she has for things ever getting any better is but a dim flicker.
In today’s episode, the last of season seven, I share what it looks like to give people the gift of hope. 
But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about. 
 Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.
To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.
Season seven ends today with episode 200 Before we get into today’s show, I want to remind you that today’s episode concludes season 7 of You Were Made for This.
I will be taking a break from the podcast for a time to work on several projects to serve you better. They will be focused on ways to deepen our relationships and finding the joy God intends for us in them. The joy of relationships is the “this” we were all made for. 
Even though the podcast will go dark for a while until season 8 begins, I’d like to continue sharing with you what I’m working on in the meantime. I’d like to tell you about articles and information I come across I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships. 
I’ll be doing this with occasional emails to you. If you’ve been getting my email each Wednesday about that week’s podcast episode, you are good to go. But if you’re not getting my Wednesday email, then you’re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to leave your email address.
Okay. So much for this housekeeping matter and on to today’s program.
A listener who needs the gift of hope Here’s what the listener I’m calling “Emily” (not her real name) wrote in response to episode 063. This is the one about building relationships by being more curious about people. She came across this episode 2½ years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.
“I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.’
“I grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be “obvious.” We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions. 
“Now almost 40 years old, I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have any real, close friendships. 
“I don’t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be I have no idea what to ask. It feels like I don’t even know how personal relationships work. I don’t know how often you’re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be involved in, or how often to reach out… it sounds so silly but it’s my reality! I don’t know how to make and keep friends. 
“I’m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don’t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.”
Ou

Today’s episode is about how to help a friend using a model of deepening relationships I’ve talked about before. The ORA principle. You remember it, don’t you? O - Observe. R - Reflect. A -Act. ORA. I saw this model of relating on several different levels from the responses some of you, our listeners, sent in to help another listener. Someone I’m calling “Emily.”
In episode 197, Emily wrote in, feeling overwhelmed at how to develop relationships. She said she has no friends and is lonely. I‘ll read what she wrote in a minute. I then asked all of you this question near the end of the episode,

How do you react internally to her words? How did you feel inside about what she shared?  Then, what would you do or say to Emily in response to her comments?  How would you respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other?
But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about. 
 Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.
To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.
As with every episode, our purpose today is to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. Our listener friend, Emily, certainly isn’t experiencing any joy in her relationships. But let’s see what we can do together to help a friend like her.
Season seven is coming to a close But first, I want to remind you of something I’ve been mentioning in the last couple of episodes.  Next week’s show, number 200 will bring an end to season 7 of You Were Made for This.
I’ll then be taking a break from the podcast for a time to work on a few projects to better serve you. I’ll still be writing about relationships from time to time and I’d like to keep you in the know.
If you’re on my email list, I’ll send you an article or email I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.
But if you’re not getting my Wednesday email, then you’re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to give me your email address.
What can we do to help a friend like this? Okay, On to today’s program. You may recall in episode 197 I mentioned that someone I’ll call Emily (not her real name) stumbled upon Episode 063: “Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People.” I’ll have a link to it in the show notes, or if you’re driving, just remember johncertalic.com/063.
Emily came across this episode 2½ years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.
“I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.’
“I grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be “obvious.” We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions. 
“Now almost 40 years old, I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have any real, close friendships. 
“I don’t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be… I have no idea what to ask. It feels like I don’t even know how personal relationships work. I don’t know how often you’re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what

In episode 192 I explained my rationale for suggesting that our word of the year for this year should be READ. Go to johncertalic.com/192 If you missed it. Reading about relationships is a simple way to enjoy better relationships in 2023. For example, in today’s show, I share an article I read recently that I found quite freeing when it comes to dealing with a delicate relationship issue. It’s a relationship concept I read about that I’m sure you will find helpful, too.
But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.
Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.
To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.
Reminder about last week's episode Before I share the article I read about the sensitive relationship issue I mentioned, I want to remind you of how we left off with last week’s episode, #197, “We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know.” This is the one where a listener I called Emily wrote in to say in that she doesn’t have any close friends, doesn’t understand how relationships work, and feels overwhelmed by them.
I asked you for suggestions on what to say to someone like her. So I’d appreciate your thoughts on this matter, and so would Emily. You can send them in an email to me, john@caringforothers.org, or you can leave them in the “Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. I will need them soon.
If you missed that episode, you can find it johncertalic.com/197. I’ll have a link to it below.
All right. On to this relationship article I’ve been referring to. It recently appeared in the Wall Street Journal, much of which I’m quoting here. It will help you devlope better relationships in 2023.
"Simple Condolences Are Underrated" “Both my parents died in the past few months, leaving me an orphan in midlife. As I am an only child, they took with them the remembered archives of their marriage and my girlhood. The loss is tremendous.
“The language to mark it isn’t. ‘I am so sorry,’ people say. ‘You are in my thoughts,’ or ‘for short, ‘My condolences.’ I used to think that simple statements like these, which seem like platitudes show a lack of sensitivity and imagination. I thought that sympathy needed to be buffered through personalized language that reflected the character of the dead person and anticipated the state of mind of the survivor.
“In years gone by, I spent ages at my desk, straining to come up with something fresh to say to a grieving friend, and once or twice felt so inadequate to the task that I didn’t say anything."
You don’t have to be creative "How I regret that now. Until my parents died, I had no idea how welcome simplicity can be. A statement such as ‘ Our hearts are with you ‘ doesn’t feel canned when your heart is aching. It feels like consolation. Traditional condolences convey that the thing that’s happened is so profound that novelty is beside the point. In their accessibility, the standard phrases acknowledge the universality of loss. And given their formulaic nature, they make possible a simple and painless response.
“‘Thank you, I really appreciate that,’ I’ve said countless times these past weeks. And you know what? I’ve meant it every time. I really appreciated the expression of fellow feelings. I really have appreciated people’s use of compassion shorthand that lets them off having to say something original an

I’ve said before in past episodes how much I value feedback from people like you. In today’s show, for example, I share a listener reaction to a show from awhile back. It illustrates the concept that when it comes to relationships, sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. But before we get into the challenging comments from this listener, and how they could very well apply to your life, here’s what this podcast is all about.
Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.
To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button. Then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.
The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.
Season seven is coming to a close Before we get into today's episode about the challenging comments from a listener, there’s a housekeeping matter I need to tell you about. You are listening to episode 197 at the moment, and if my math is right, episode number 200 will be upon us in just a few weeks. That will bring us to the end of season seven of You Were Made for This.
I’m then going to take a break from these weekly podcasts to work on a few things I’ve been wanting to do in order to serve you better. I plan to take some of the content of our 200 episodes, update the material where needed, and re-purpose some of it in written form. Maybe in video as well. I don’t know. I have more ideas than I have time to implement them. Well, see.
Having said this, I don’t want to take a break from staying in touch with you. Even though there will be no new episodes for a while after #200, we can still stay connected by occasional emails now and then. If you’ve been getting my Wednesday email about that week’s podcast, you’re good to go. There’s nothing more you need to do.
But if you’re not getting my Wednesday email, I’d like you to join my email list so I can stay in touch with you about the things I’m working on - and what I’m learning about relationships. Just go to johncertalic.com/follow to sign up.
Often I come across stories I think you would find interesting, and sending you an email about them from time to time would be the easiest way to get them to you since the podcast will be in hiatus for a time.
Back to our regularly scheduled program Last fall, someone I’ll call Emily (not her real name) stumbled upon Episode 063: “Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People.” I’ll have a link to it in the show notes. But if  your are driving, or otherwise preoccupied, just remember johncertalic.com/063.
Emily came across this episode 2½ years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.
We don’t know what we don’t know “I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.’
“I grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be “obvious.” We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.
“Now almost 40 years old, I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have any real, close friendships.
“I don’t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be… I have no idea what to ask. I feel like I don’t even know how personal relationships work. I don’t know how often you’re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives y