19 episodes

You picked your spouse for a reason, out of everyone else. You wanted this relationship to work and it hasn’t been. It’s time to pick up the pieces and make your dream of a happy marriage a reality.

Can This Marriage Be Saved‪?‬ Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin

    • Society & Culture

You picked your spouse for a reason, out of everyone else. You wanted this relationship to work and it hasn’t been. It’s time to pick up the pieces and make your dream of a happy marriage a reality.

    The big reveal! Shlomo & Rivka have struggled with ADHD in their relationship for years

    The big reveal! Shlomo & Rivka have struggled with ADHD in their relationship for years

    Listen to the podcast episode below to find out what we are struggling with! We’re currently working on a program on this topic. If you think our struggle resembles your own and you wish to learn more, watch the video below to get further help!

     How to Thrive as a Couple without Letting the Stress of Raising ADD/ADHD Kids (or an ADHD spouse!) Take Away from Your Sanity

    • 11 min
    What to do if you're bored with or in a boring marriage | Can This Marriage Be Saved Podcast

    What to do if you're bored with or in a boring marriage | Can This Marriage Be Saved Podcast

    Rivka: You might be listening on our podcast. Maybe watching a Youtube video. And whatever the case is today we want to talk to you about boredom in a marriage because we have a lot of readers writing to us things like, “I love my husband, and he’s such a great dad and he’s a great guy, but I’m bored. What can I do? Should I leave?” And so we want to address this topic. We’re approaching our eighteenth year together.

    Shlomo: (jokes) This is not a personal topic.

    Rivka: So let’s talk about boredom in a marriage.

    Shlomo: So what are some of the things that are signs of boredom or what is it that you actually think you should be doing? I think a lot of these ideas about what we should be doing in a relationship or whether we’re bored or not is on is based on what we see on social media. People are looking on Facebook and they see that so and so went on vacation somewhere or look how much fun they’re having and of course looks can be deceiving. Because behind the scenes they could be hating each other’s guts but look like they’re having a great time where they’ll be going on an exotic vacation, so all because you see other couples doing things doesn’t mean that they have a good relationship. It doesn’t mean that somebody’s not cheating or someone’s not going to be getting divorced tomorrow. I sure hope not – but just want to put that in perspective for you so kind of getting outside of that external world and thinking about inside of me, what is it that I really need to have in our relationship?

    Rivka: And that’s an interesting point because it can be really easy to fall into that trap of what society is posting or talking about and it seems like everybody else is having this or the Fear of Missing Out Syndrome. Fomo. And it seems like as we get busier and more bigger lives than it’s like the space grows bigger that we need to fill in the boredom. I’m just thinking for instance you know when I was a kid, I never saw anybody posting about exotic vacations in Italy or the Dominican Republic and I never really thought of those places as attractive destinations but now I see everybody posting about Italy, and everybody posting by Dominican Republic or maybe not so much now but and it’s really widened my horizons and it’s widened the things that I want because it’s just out there and I see it now.

    Shlomo: That they should be attainable and then why are we not doing that is the question. And sometimes we need to think, well how old are these people? Someone’s been working for forty years, they’ve retired, they’ve amassed wealth, they might be able to do these types of things. They don’t have the same type of responsibilities as a young couple that’s raising children. So we have to look at reality as opposed to what you’re seeing out there. We’re not saying you should be bored at home and just doing things like making lunches and folding laundry all day, depending on who’s working, who’s at home. It’s important to spice up your relationship, it’s important to have excitement. It’s important to do fun things together. And that’s one of the things that we encourage couples to do. We have exercises where we actually “plan” fun, how boring! But because people are not having fun it’s important to actually schedule to make sure that you have a weekly date, weekly high energy fun activities that you can do together with your spouse so that you can have fun. So it is important but it’s also just as important not to think that because I’m not doing this (having fun) that my relationship is over, that I should marry someone else because if you have responsibilities you’re not going to be able to have… your life’s not going to be all fun and games so...

    • 12 min
    When your wife won’t speak to you. How to handle the silent treatment.

    When your wife won’t speak to you. How to handle the silent treatment.

    When your wife won’t speak to you. How to handle the silent treatment. Transcript of Episode.

    Intro: You ask, we answer. Welcome to Can This Marriage Be Saved, where we go against common relationship problems and help you determine if this relationship should stay or go.

    Rivka: Welcome to another great episode. Today we are going to talk about what to do when your wife won’t talk to you, whether she’s giving you the silent treatment or you just have no idea what’s going on, but she is not responding to you. What can you do? So, Shlomo you’re the marriage counselor I’m your wife, take it away!

    Shlomo: When your spouse is not talking to you or giving you the silent treatment, it can be extremely uncomfortable to say the least, and it’s always a question of what do I do? Do I reach out? Do I try to engage? Is it better just to give space? I think that you probably know your history in your relationship. How things have worked and normally what happens when a person is in the space where they don’t want to talk. So it could be they’re upset about something, they’re not feeling safe. There could be a lot of anger pent up, so, in the past, what have you done? Sometimes it’s better just to give a little space until things cool off. At the same time you’re trying to be friendly, trying to be nice but not expecting any kind of change in return. And then for others, you may need to actually pursue your spouse and try to engage and ask them what they need and ask if they want to talk.

    Rivka: I’m just realizing that I think….

    Shlomo: What I do with you?

    Rivka: OK, I think you do that with me sometimes. I mean I really, really try to never get in this state because with all the work that we’ve done on our marriage over the last almost nineteen years. I know it’s not good to give someone the silent treatment when you’re angry, and it’s good to use your words and it’s good to communicate in a safe way. But, sometimes if I get extremely angry, I do know that in that moment, I do not want to talk to you and I know in the past that’s when you started to sort of pursue me like when you say, “Can I get you hot drink? Would you like a tea?” And then sometimes I just {laughing} you keep asking and then I sort of melt because I can’t resist a hot cup of tea when I’m feeling very emotional, very moody so I realize I’m laughing because in the advice you’re giving it’s kind of describing me.

    Shlomo: Personal version, so it’s spoken from experience.

    Rivka: But it works, I mean ….

    Shlomo: I find that….. first of all to defend myself is not going to make it better. It’s going to make it worse so what I typically do is I kill it with kindness. Doing acts of service, being kind, being nice, doing things trying to go out of the way. To be helpful with the hope that at some point the mood will change and inevitably the mood does change. And at some point you realize that because usually people aren’t going to give you the silent treatment permanently.

    Rivka: Hopefully not.

    Shlomo: Hopefully not, though it does sometimes happen and once that’s the case then ultimately if you’re in that situation it’s important to be able to work on your relationship and learn how to be able to communicate better, because you don’t want to get to a place where there’s silent treatment. So, sometimes when I’m working with couples they’ll say, “You know since we began this process with you it used to be that we would have a fight and we wouldn’t speak for a week and now it’s like two hours so it’s progress.” So the idea is working on your relationship- being able to work through the issues, learn how to communicate more effectively so you feel heard and understood. Helps change the dynamics.

    • 10 min
    What to do if you’re in a boring marriage?

    What to do if you’re in a boring marriage?

    Many of you feel like you're in a boring marriage. Trying to decide what to do about it- if you should stay or go.

    It's a huge decision to make and we don't want you to make it hastily.

    After all, your spouse is a lovely person. He may be a great dad or she's a great mom. And they love you. They just bore you.

    • 12 min
    Are you a Turtle? Or a Hailstorm?

    Are you a Turtle? Or a Hailstorm?

    Identify if you're a Turtle or a Hailstorm because once you do, all of the mixed emotions that you have about your partner will become clear as day!

    • 9 min
    When having fun is NOT Fun for you…

    When having fun is NOT Fun for you…

    Sometimes as seemingly simple as having fun is just not fun at all! Fun may bring up childhood trauma believe it or not and that trauma may tarnish the experiences that you are now TRYING to have with your current partner and children. Listen to discover more about your experience and relationship with FUN.

    • 21 min

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