Is God Leading You Into a Relationship?

[Lead In]

Martin Zerrudo: So let’s set the stage. You like them. They like you. You’re both members of the Church Of Christ and are of age to start the courting process. What do you do? Are things moving too fast? Too slow? Do things feel easy? And is the relationship progressing naturally? Or does it feel a little forced? What do your friends think? What does your family think? Is God leading you into a relationship? Or is He trying to show you some red flags? 

Let’s have a Heart & Soul conversation.

[Show open]

Martin: Hello, everyone, hope we’re finding you well, and that you and your family continue to be safe and healthy at this time. Today, we’ll be talking about whether God is leading you into a relationship or if you’re seeing something that maybe isn’t there. A lot of our listeners in the past have reached out and asked us to talk about the one. And we definitely have, but today we’ll be focusing more on being aware of whether or not they aren’t the one. Joining us today is Brother Donald Pinnock, a minister of the gospel in the Church Of Christ. Hi, Brother Donald, how are you today?

Brother Donald Pinnock: Not too bad, Brother Martin. And thank you for having me on the program.

Martin: We always love having you. So we went online and found a couple things people point to as red flags for when you may be forcing a relationship with someone. And here they are. The first one is you talk about them like they’re already your boyfriend or girlfriend, even though you aren’t. Number two, you bend over backwards for them and they never reciprocate. Number three, you defend your relationship to your friends who express concerns. Number four, you make up excuses for why they never call you or text you back right away. And lastly, you tell yourself that they’re going to want a relationship eventually, and that they will change even though they show no signs of it. So Brother Donald, why are so many youth today finding themselves in this predicament where they may be forcing a relationship that isn’t there?

Brother Donald: Well, Brother Martin, there’s so many reasons. For example, there are those who, due to peer pressure, they feel compelled to have a relationship, whether it be an actual one, or, as you mentioned an imagined one, since most of their friends already have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Others may really want to have a meaningful relationship with someone. However, they’re just too fearful of approaching that individual. Of course, they’re afraid of rejection. Thus, they imagine or just assume that the other person has the same feelings for them. And they leave it at that. On the part of the females or as we call sisters in the Church, they may feel attracted to a brother, but in fear of being labeled as too forthcoming or just too aggressive, they resort to telling themselves that the individual they have a crush on has the same feelings or sentiment for them. In order to avoid creating such a scenario, however, it is very important that members of the Church keep in mind the following tenet or teaching of the Bible. And we can read the following in Proverbs 19:14:

Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.

[Proverbs 19:14 New International Version] 

Church Of Christ members then are taught to ask God for everything that they need, including when it comes to a suitable or prudent wife, and in fact, husband for that matter. So in order to avoid creating an awkward circumstance, due to a perceived interest of a brother or sister of the faith, and of course, vice versa, they should conduct what is called a devotional prayer, by which they can ask God to clearly show unto them who would eventually be an appropriate spouse.

Martin: Is it different for men than it is for women? You know, of course, times are changing, expectations in society are shifting and certain traditions may have changed, but as members of the Church Of Christ, who should take charge in asserting feelings and making intentions known, and what happens if things don’t work out?

Brother Donald: That’s a very good series of questions, Brother Martin. As we know in society, normally, it would be the male who would approach the female to express his intent. However, we can see shifting social norms. And that is why now if a female is attracted to a male, she may take the initiative to express her feelings to him. In the Church it is most likely that the male or the brother would express his intent to the sister to establish a relationship. But even during those initial stages, the following Bible teaching is taken into account. In Ephesians 6:2-3 it states: 

“Respect your father and mother” is the first commandment that has a promise added: “so that all may go well with you, and you may live a long time in the land.”

[Ephesians 6:2-3 Today’s English Version]

To show proper respect to the parents, then, male and female members of the Church, who feel mutually compelled to get to know each other better, would approach their respective parents to ask permission first. Considering that the husband is the head of the wife, and we can read that in Ephesians 5:23,  it would be the brother who would first approach the parents of the sister, whom he intends to court, to ask permission. But he, along with the sister, they should have a righteous purpose, Brother Martin, when it comes to courting one another, as we can glean from the following citation: 2 Timothy 2:22: 

Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

[2 Timothy 2:22 New King James Version]

This is why Church members are not supposed to date just for the sake of dating, or to pursue satisfying youthful lust. That is why, especially on the part of the brother, he should conduct himself in the following manner. Psalm 119:9:

How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.

[Psalm 119:9 New International Version]

The brothers should have a pure intent when it comes to courting a sister and not intend to take any undue advantage of her. The couple should treat each other respectfully, by both of them heeding the teachings of God when it comes to their relationship. Now, if I can add, Brother Martin, if in spite of the best and the purest intentions, that the brother and the sister find that they are incompatible, well, they should mutually agree to stop seeing each other and inform the respective parents of their decision. Now, of course, depending on the amount of time invested during courting, there will be a certain level of sadness and even heartbreak may be experienced at least by one, if not both the male and female or the brother and the sister. Of course, conversing with family and friends would definitely aid in mending a broken heart. All the more, however, we should pray to God, because He’s more than capable, of course, of doing the following for us. As we can read here in Psalm 34:15,17-19 New International Version:

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; … The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;

[Psalms 34:15, 17-19 New International Version]

So it is very clear, Brother Martin, that the Lord our God is more than capable to help one heal after experiencing the emotional pain of a romantic breakup.

Martin: So ultimately, Brother Donald, how can we determine if God doesn’t want us to be with someone?

Brother Donald: Well, we mentioned earlier the importance of conducting that devotional prayer, asking God to guide us to who would be a suitable spouse for us. It is possible that we could meet a brother or sister in the Church, but if during their getting to know each other, or their courting, there are repeated issues, arguments, misunderstandings, and a general disharmony, then it should be fairly obvious that the couple are incompatible. Again, it would be best for both parties to mutually part ways and continue to do their part in preserving what we call as the love of the brotherhood in spite of not being connected romantically.

Martin: Right. I remember, Brother Donald, you know, when I was younger, I was in a relationship and it didn’t work out and of course I was broken-hearted, was very sad and you know, you feel like oh man the world’s coming to an end because this person who I cared about so much who, you know, cared about me—I guess we don’t have a future together. And in my mindset at that time in my late teens, it felt so final, it felt like this is it. Never gonna find love again. I’m gonna be alone forever because it didn’t work out with this one person. And then you know, fast forward to today. That person is happily married. I’m happily married, very cordial wh