17 episodes
When Our Adult Children Walk Away Dr. Janet Steinkamp
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- Kids & Family
In the spring of 2019, after many attempts to sort through our differences, my adult daughter made the difficult choice to cut off communication. She tried to get her message across to me for a long time – without success. She repeatedly explained that she needed me to accept her new and different boundaries, for me to recognize her as an adult and for me to modify my communication style to be more respectful. She needed and expected change. I wasn't listening and didn't recognize her increasing desperation was driving her away – to eventual and complete estrangement. It took months of cycling through disbelief, anger and hopelessness for me to begin to face my contributions to her decision to cut ties. Even then, as I began to accept my responsibilities, the pain, confusion and hopelessness were sometimes overwhelming. I recognized then, as I do now, that I was not entirely responsible for the fracturing of our relationship. But, in the years of silence, all I could do was work on myself – so I dedicated myself to learning, listening, reflecting, accepting, transforming and preparing. Fast forward to today, and I'm happy to tell you that my daughter and I have reconnected. In fact, Brianna (she prefers Bri) is working with me to help others who want to prepare to reconnect. We work as family estrangement consultants, sharing our insights into family estrangement. We provide opportunities to heal by assisting people in understanding their communication styles and teaching practical conflict management skills that support effective reconnection strategies. My name is Dr. Janet Steinkamp, and the reason for this blog is simple. I am here with my daughter to provide hope, help and healing to people who want to prepare to repair. When you are ready to walk through the hot coals of self-discovery - to prepare for reconnection - I'm here to walk alongside you. The When Our Adult Children Walk Away resources, presentations, conversations, and strategies to become the parent or family member your adult child is asking – needs – you to be. Though I can't promise reconnection, I can and will help you prepare to reconnect when opportunities present themselves. Now is the time to do your work – to reflect, learn and grow. And, by the way - reconnection does not mean our work to build a healthy, sustainable, mutually respectful relationship is done. It is only the start. In each post, I present and explore topics relevant to all who hope to reconnect with an estranged adult child or who are estranged from their parents. The material in each post relates explicitly to the messy and exhausting fresh hell of pain, isolation, and loss. When Our Adult Children Walk Away provides judgment-free resources – this is a safe place - to listen, reflect and explore our most personal lives.
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8 Things Our Adult Children Consider Before Leaving or Reconnecting
Estrangement is most accurately defined as a continuum of distancing. Estrangement in families refers to voluntarily or involuntarily distancing oneself from one or more family members or loved ones, usually due to significant conflicts or issues within the relationship. Checkout https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement to find a very helpful image of the estrangement continuum. In cases other than those involving abuse or addiction, adult children who p...
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What is the Difference: Independence or Estrangement
One of the most frequent questions I'm asked is, "How do I know if my child is cutting ties and wants to be estranged?" Why is it important to understand the differences and similarities? Knowing the difference helps us assess the health of a relationship. Take a listen as I dig in and talk about the differences. And - importantly - the similarities.For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com where you will find resources, events, book clubs, com...
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The Continuum of Estrangement - Where does your relationship sit?
Determining the level of estrangement between you and your adult child can involve some introspection and assessment of your relationship dynamics. Are you asking yourself questions like: What is the Continuum of Estrangement? What is the progression of distancing? How do I know if my adult son or daughter is on the continuum? How do I slow down the increasing distancing of my son or daughter?This episode is a great place to get initial insights into your questions and some informa...
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5 Imposters: The Anatomy of an Authentic Apology
For parents and adult children experiencing some level of estrangement (see the Continuum of Estrangment link below) understanding what an authentic apology means can be pivotal in repairing their differences. In this episode we dig deeper into the 5 imposters of an authentic apology. You will learn how to recognize and avoid these imposters, preparing you to recognize your responsibililities, how to hold yourself accountable and how to communicate your authentic apology.An authentic apology ...
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3 Lies and a Truth - The Amends Letter
If you've listened to other WOACWA podcast episodes, you know that I ground my work in effective, respectful, and intentional communication. I integrate communication training with my six-stage Estrangement Grief Model (Disbelief, Anger, Despair, Acceptance, Transformation and Maintenance). By this, I mean that our estrangement journey can be most effectively navigated and remedied by reflecting on our relational circumstances, holding ourselves accountable for our own contributions to ...
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Estrangement Grief - Stage 6 - Maintenance
In this episode, Dr. Steinkamp presents the sixth stage of Estrangement Grief. During the stage of maintenance - Maintenance. In this stage, we have embraced some of the changes we chose to make in our lives after moving through the first five stages of estrangement grief. We have embraced our imperfections, grown to forgive ourselves and our adult child and come to recognize that we can find purpose and joy without needing the parent-child relationship. This is not to say we have ...
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