The Wellness Compass Podcast D. Scott Stoner, LMFT & Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT

 What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.
 
Learning to Listen, Listening to Learn
We are traveling to Dharamsala, India, next week for a two-week conference on Eastern (Tibetan Buddhist) and Western perspectives on resilience, trauma, and mental health. We are honored to have been invited to present our work, the Wellness Compass Initiative, yet we are most looking forward to listening to our hosts and learning about their unique cultural and religious wisdom and perspectives on enhancing resilience.
As we prepare to go to Dharamsala, we know that we will benefit much more from listening to others than from speaking. This is almost always the case, and so today's column focuses on the importance of listening. It also concludes our six-part series on some of the core practices for enhancing our wellbeing.
Deep listening is powerful as it opens new doors of learning by helping us to understand our own needs, better empathize with others, and foster more meaningful connections. Thus it's a practice that enhances our wellbeing in all aspects of life.
When we listen deeply to ourselves, we learn what we long for and, in turn, what part of our wellbeing might need attention. When we listen deeply to others, we enhance our relationships with them. When we are open to listening to those who are different from us, we build bridges of connection and understanding. Our spiritual wellbeing can also be nurtured and strengthened when we listen to what is sacred for us.
 
The more we learn to listen, the more we will learn from our listening. 
 
This column concludes our season of weekly columns and podcasts as we will be  taking a break for the summer. The column and podcast will return the first week of September.
Whether you've recently joined our community or have been with us since the inception of this column in 2008, we sincerely appreciate your engagement. Your responses have been invaluable in shaping our content. Thank you for ‘listening.'
 We wish you all a wonderful summer. May it be a time full of wonder, deep listening, and learning.

 What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.
We recently stopped by a garage sale in our neighborhood. When talking with the owners, they told us that they have been having a spring garage sale every couple of years ever since they moved into their home some twenty years ago. They said it was the perfect combination of spring cleaning and the need to remember to regularly let go of things they don't need anymore. We were so inspired that we are now seriously thinking of having a similar sale ourselves. 
As we are in the midst of a series of columns on best practices for enhancing our overall wellbeing, we wanted to acknowledge the importance of practicing all of the shapes and sizes of "letting go" that present themselves throughout our lives.
Thinking about this reminded us of a conversation we had several years ago with a rather large group of people regarding the act of letting go throughout life. We asked the people present to share the challenges they were currently facing related to our topic. They wrote their anonymous responses on index cards, and we collected them and read them out loud for everyone as a way to normalize the many ways in which the challenges of letting go come up for all of us. Here are some of their responses: 
 
"I struggle with letting go when it comes to my children. It's important and hard for me to remember from time to time that it is their life, not mine."
"I find it challenging to let go of anger."
"For me, I have trouble letting go of grudges--to forgive people that have hurt me." 
"I find as I get older it is hard, yet necessary, for me to let go of furniture and other possessions that have sentimental value to me."
" Perfectionism and self-criticism are what I struggle to let go of." 
"During Covid, I had to learn to let go of so many plans."
"Letting go of things I had hoped would happen, but am now sure will not happen is hard for me, as I realize how little control I really have."
"I am far too critical of someone I know--often just in my own mind--but it is still something I need to learn to let go of. I have recently been focusing on seeing the good in her. I'm 93 years old and still working on all of this!"
"I am finding it definitely challenging to let go of my youth."
"I am such a worrier. I am really working on letting go of my worries about the future."
"Letting go of loss is what has been hardest for me."
We were moved by the depth of what was offered by these people. What they shared was such a powerful reminder that within all of us, just beneath the surface of most of our seemingly calm exteriors, there are many feelings of vulnerability related to the worries, hurts, and fears that we carry. It may seem counter-intuitive, but listening to others who were also struggling with various kinds of "letting go" was actually a positive and uplifting experience for all of us there, as we all felt supported and connected by what we shared.
During the last portion of our time together, we asked those present what gave them hope and what helped them to deal with the challenges of letting go that they had shared. The common responses were talking with others in similar situations and getting their support, normalizing that everyone is facing some kind of challenge around letting go and their spiritual lives. What is known as the Serenity Prayer was shared by many. The profound wisdom of this prayer is that it talks about finding serenity in accepting the things we cannot control or change, having the courage to change the things one can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Life happens. Loss happens. Hurt happens. Change happens. At the same time, though, healing happens, forgiveness happens, self-acceptance happens, and letting go happens. And, as Spring reminds us, new beginnings can and do consistently occur all around us, too. 

 What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.
 
"The journey to mental health and wellness begins with normalizing the ups and downs, the highs and lows, as essential parts of the human experience."
This week I (Holly) had the honor of participating in a Mental Health Resource Fair at a local Wisconsin combined public middle and high school in the district of Beloit-Turner. Before becoming a therapist fifteen years ago, I spent many years as a teacher. So this was an excellent opportunity to spend a day back in a school, combining my experience and love for helping young people with supporting the school's efforts to normalize mental health for their students and staff. 
In addition to representing our Wellness Compass Initiative, I was joined by quite a few other community nonprofits that are each doing their part to support the mental health and wellbeing of teens and their families. I was inspired by the collective commitment of so many caring souls.
While this was the first time we participated in this day, this district has offered a variety of mental health programs for their students for many years. They are doing their part in reducing the stigma about mental health challenges every day. Many students shared with me some of the ups and downs they are currently facing: an important grandmother having to move away, losing a friend, and going to a new school next year where they know no one. 
It was an honor to be trusted by them and to validate and normalize what they were experiencing. Many students reported that they felt fortunate to be in a school where they could talk openly with teachers, counselors, and other students about the challenges they were facing. They said they felt so much support knowing they were not alone in their struggles. 
We are in the midst of a series of columns on best practices for enhancing our overall wellbeing. And so, in today's column, in honor of what the students reminded us of this week, we want to lift up the importance of normalizing and accepting the ups and downs, the highs and lows of life. Challenges are not just for middle school and high school students alone. It's not like we outgrow the hard times and challenges that life sometimes gives us. Just as at every stage of life, we experience physical aches and pains—some minor, some quite serious—so, too, we all experience emotional aches and pains of varying degrees. Accepting these as the normal processes of life, rather than rare exceptions or things to be embarrassed about, does much to help us be open to sharing and supporting one another.
Imagine the possibility of having regular mental health resource fairs, not just in our schools but in our neighborhoods, workplaces, faith centers, and our larger communities. We could all gather to share what we are facing and seek support. In doing so, we would be doing so much to enhance not just our own personal wellbeing, but the wellbeing of our communities as well.
 

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.
Knowing When to Push the Pause Button
One of our grandsons recently taught us a helpful mindfulness technique he learned in school called “take five.” You hold one hand up with your fingers stretched out. With the other hand, beginning where your thumb and wrist adjoin, slowly move your index finger up and down each finger, taking a deep breath as you go up and then exhaling as you move downward, eventually tracing each finger. This is what his teacher taught the students to do when they feel stressed. This is also a great way for all of us to help reset ourselves when feeling stressed or overwhelmed.  
Knowing when to pause and reset is a core component of emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational wellbeing, and that is why we are focusing on it in this third column in our series on foundational practices for enhancing our overall wellness. 
In the quote at the top of the column, Lori Deschene provides a helpful list of when pausing is vital. The list is a good place to start, and it can also help us think of a few other times when we may need to pause in our daily lives.
Pause to listen more before being quick to speak. 
Pause before sending emotionally charged emails or other messages. 
Pause to examine our own biases.
Pause before speaking unkindly or gossiping about someone. 
Pause when feeling impatient. 
Pause when feeling stressed. 
Pause when becoming overwhelmed.
Pause before being quick to defend yourself.
Pause before posting heated comments on social media.
Pause when you find yourself feeling emotionally flooded.
Pause when you are exhausted. 
Pause when you disagree with another.
And, just as important, pause to observe the positive around you, things that pausing allows us to see. 
You undoubtedly have specific examples from your life to add to this list. Maybe this would be a good time to, well….pause, and think about what they are. 
However we “take five” or “practice the pause,” knowing when to do so will enhance our wellbeing and the wellbeing of those with whom we are connected. 
 

What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. You can sign up to receive this column at www.WellnessCompass.org.
 
Imagine the following exchange between two people who are closely connected. 
Person 1: "I have found you to be quite argumentative and defensive recently, and I am feeling hurt by how you habitually respond to me in this way."
 
Person 2: (Said with great intensity and heated emotion) "What are you even talking about??!! I have NOT been argumentative and defensive at all!"
 
Person 1: (Silence, just looking at the other person with curiosity).
 
Person 2: (Sheepishly adds) "Um, maybe the way I just responded to you is kind of what you are talking about? I guess I have kind of been acting like a jerk lately."  
 
Person 1: "Yes, and thank you for being willing to notice that. Let's talk more about what's going on."
 
In our multi-part series on key practices for enhancing our wellbeing, we are focusing on the importance of self-awareness this week.  
The fictional exchange above illustrates that change can only begin once self-awareness exists. If Person 2 in the conversation had only stayed defensive and argumentative, never acknowledging any truth to what Person 1 was saying, no change would be possible then.  
Susan Scott is an author we both like and in her book Fierce Conversations, she has a great coaching question. "What, if anything, are you pretending not to know right now?" What we like about this question is that it reminds us that sometimes there are things we are struggling with that we, at one level, know we need to face, but are actively trying not to be aware of. This could be for a multitude of reasons, but whatever the reason, we can't begin to change something until we acknowledge it.  
Last week, we wrote about the practice of self-compassion. We started with that practice because we wanted it to guide all the other practices. With self-compassiom, and compassion from others, we are more willing and able to recognize signs that something is out of balance in our lives, whether that be in our physical, emotional, relational, or spiritual wellbeing. 
Such self-awareness might sound like this…
"I've been unusually tired lately; I wonder what that's about."
"I feel like I have lost a sense of purpose in my life. I want to take some time to reflect and work on that."
"I'm sorry I've been so self-absorbed with other things lately. I want you to know that I am aware of that and intend to make some changes in our relationship."
"I am aware that I have been pretending not to know that what I am currently doing is not sustainable."
"I am aware that this organization cannot simply keep doing what has always done and expect different results."
Do any of these statements connect with you or bring something related up for you in your life? How might you practice greater self-awareness (combined with self-compassion) right now? And how might doing so enhance some aspect of your wellbeing?  

 
What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. You can sign up to receive this column at www.WellnessCompass.org.
Practicing Self-Compassion
   We are excited to begin a multi-part series on “Practices for Enhancing Our Wellbeing,” in which we will explore the practices that we have found to be foundational for wellness, both in our own lives and in the lives of the people we are honored to help.
   We start with the practice of self-compassion. This is a good one to begin with because, unfortunately, just bringing up the topic of wellness creates a self-critical reaction for many people. This reaction is often accompanied by a long list of “shoulds.” “I really should……get more sleep, eat better, spend more time with family and friends, create a budget, and spend more time nurturing my spiritual life…..”
   Our Wellness Compass Initiative (along with its partner, the Living Compass Spirituality and Wellness Initiative) is a strength-based, love-based initiative with no room for shame, guilt, or blame. This is because the inner critic is an ineffective teacher and motivator. We don’t grow and change because we should or because if we don’t, we will think less of ourselves. What would you most likely feel, or how might you react, if someone were to tell you that you should change in some way? You would most likely recoil and resist and might even feel ashamed or angry. That is, unfortunately, how most of us also respond when we recognize there is a change that our life would benefit from.
   When we, however, view ourselves and our wellbeing through the lens of self-care and self-compassion, we are kind and encouraging to ourselves. We support any desire we have to make a change with grace and patience. We become cheerleaders for ourselves, just as we would cheer on others, such as friends or family members, who share with us a change they are seeking to make in their lives. 
   It is worth noting that grief is one area in which we often witness people have difficulty with self-compassion. It’s not uncommon to hear someone ask, “What’s wrong with me that I still get so upset about my loss?” The answer is there is nothing wrong. Grief has no timetable or expiration date. It ebbs and flows as long as it needs to, and each person’s journey with grief is unique. Lovingly and tenderly accepting one’s feelings of grief is a beautiful way to practice self-compassion.
   Some might think that too much focus on loving and caring for ourselves leads to self-centeredness. In our experience, that is not the case at all. Loving ourselves does not create self-centeredness; loving ourselves creates a centered self. In fact, from a place of being a more centered self, we can grow, change, and love others more fully.  
   As we begin this series on “Practices for Enhancing Our Wellbeing,” we invite you to start by practicing self-compassion and care towards yourself this week. For each of us, that will mean something different. 
   What does it mean for you? What is one small thing you could do for yourself this week that would be an act of self-care and self-compassion?