#132: Can Nice Guys Finish First? with Scott Dunn

Can being "nice" at work actually hold you back? Join Brian and Scott Dunn as they unravel the myths around workplace "niceness," explore the balance between kindness and assertiveness, and reveal how honest communication can earn you respect—and maybe even that long-overdue promotion.

Overview

In this episode of the Agile Mentors Podcast, Brian and Scott dig deep into the question: Do nice guys (or gals) really finish last at work?

They discuss the critical balance between being accommodating and assertive, why conflict can be a tool for growth, and how emotional intelligence plays into team dynamics.

With stories, tips, and the psychological truths behind professional success, this episode is a must-listen for anyone looking to navigate workplace interactions while staying true to themselves.

References and resources mentioned in the show:

Scott Dunn
Bill of Assertive Rights
Elements of Agile
Radical Candor
Advanced Certified ScrumMaster®
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This episode’s presenters are:

Brian Milner is SVP of coaching and training at Mountain Goat Software. He's passionate about making a difference in people's day-to-day work, influenced by his own experience of transitioning to Scrum and seeing improvements in work/life balance, honesty, respect, and the quality of work.

Scott Dunn is a Certified Enterprise Coach and Scrum Trainer with over 20 years of experience coaching and training companies like NASA, EMC/Dell Technologies, Yahoo!, Technicolor, and eBay to transition to an agile approach using Scrum.

Auto-generated Transcript:

Brian (00:00)
Welcome in Agile Mentors. We're back and we're here for another episode of the Agile Mentors podcast. I'm with you as always, Brian Milner. And today we have friend of the show, buddy of the show, Scott Dunn is back with us. Welcome in Scott.

Scott (00:13)
Hey Brian, great to be back as always. Love it.

Brian (00:17)
Love to have Scott on as always and if you've listened to some of the past episodes with him then you know why. If not, I encourage you to check it out after this episode. We wanted to have Scott on earlier this year just to talk about some things that might be percolating in a few people's heads with the turn of the year and kind of as you start to prepare and look forward and maybe even look back a little bit in things. And particularly deal with an issue around how people show up at work and Scott was saying to me earlier, kind of this phrase about, nice guys finish last? Do they finish first? Do they finish last? Can you be nice? Can you be nice at work and be promoted? Can you be nice at work and move upwards? Or do you have to not be nice?

Scott (01:03)
you

Brian (01:11)
in order to do that. So tell me a little bit about kind of the genesis of the idea from you, Scott. What have you been hearing or what's been crossing your path?

Scott (01:17)
Yeah, and I'm so glad we had a chance to talk about this because it's recent. So the first thing that sparked my thought on this, so granted in the leadership class, we talk about being a balance of accommodative and assertive, and I'll usually refer to a... a document called the Bill of Assertive Rights. And I was reading another book this week and actually it referenced the same thing. I thought, switching fast forward a few days and I'm doing an assessment with a company that's asked for help because they're not, they're struggling with quality, they're struggling with predictability. And I know what the leaders goals are for the efforts. And so now I'm meeting with all the team members to do an actual formal assessment for baseline. Now, and this assessment, you're going to go through, I don't know, 30, 40 questions. So it's not lightweight. It's trying to be tactical, like, Is the team well formed? Is the backlog in good shape? Do you have a roadmap? Are the leaders supporting the change? I mean, whether company level, product level, team level, and we even added some advanced questions. And the fascinating thing is over a course of all these questions, the answer was essentially, we're okay at that, right? If you ask them, are they doing this practice or not, they'd say, somewhat. And it didn't matter if it was the most basic thing at the team level or the most advanced thing at the corporate level, everything was okay. So when you look at the dashboard at the end, in our normal red, yellow, the whole thing was yellow. And so I just paused and said, you know, I've never seen this before. I said, yeah, I joke with them a little bit about that, but I said, you know, my friends kind of think about it. It actually doesn't make sense that you would be okay at the fundamental beginning things and also okay at advanced high level things. So it's usually progressive, right? You get the basics down like the satiric change curve. That's kind of what we're following. So now... And then what came out later in the conversations is that someone said basically, we're afraid to say things that are hard to hear. He used the word judgment. Like we don't want to kind of stand in judgment of others, but essentially saying something that someone's not going to hear, whether it's true or not, because they had nothing green, nothing red. So not doing well. And then the last thing that really got me triggered, you know, really start diving into this is this new year and people are getting this promotions and things going on at some of the companies. And there was a story of this one guy, like, I've worked here eight years and never been promoted. And yet everyone loves this person. Everyone likes this person. And I'm hopping on social media and someone asked that question, literally, like, give me an example of when nice guys finish last. And the guy said the same thing. He said, I am the one everyone goes to for help. I'm always ready to help. I'll do anything anyone needs. Everyone likes me. They all praise me. And I haven't been promoted in like 13 years. So partly for our own careers, partly for, you know, being a change agent, et cetera, I thought it'd be worth, you know, just having to... It's a great conversation topic,

Brian (03:51)
Yeah, well, I'll confirm part of that, or at least a couple of crossovers there with what you said, because there's an assessment kind of thing that we do at Mountain Good as well called Elements of Agile. And one of the things we learned early on in doing that was you would pull the data from the survey, from actually asking them. But then before we present it back, we always have a coach who kind of does interviews as well, and then manually can shift and adjust things. And one of the things I've learned as being one of those coaches who does that is if there's something that's negative that's said, if there's, you know, we give like a five point scale, you know, five is really great, one is terrible, and you know, what number is it? If it's a little bit over into the negative side, you never get anything that's like all the way over at one, right? Nobody ever comes back to you and says, that's terrible.

Scott (04:44)
you

Brian (04:46)
but they will say, that's a three or that's a two. If it's a two, that's severe. That's kind of what I've learned is two is severe, three is bad. And you kind of have to shift those things over one notch to say, people are, their niceness are entering into this and they don't want it to be, they don't want it to look too bad. They don't know how it's gonna reflect on them. They don't know how it's gonna reflect on others. And so they don't want it to look

Scott (04:50)
Yeah. Okay. Yes.

Brian (05:15)
too bad, so they tend to like skew it a little bit towards the positive. Yeah.

Scott (05:20)
Yes, and the thing I think is good from that so one I keep coming back to you know self preservation this world kind of wired for this and someone was mentioning recently It's you know, shouldn't say people are selfish. We should say they have self in the center So if I'm gonna I'm just with you like if I'm gonna give feedback I'm honestly just pass facts or for those listening. I think it's totally fine say well Is it really worth it for me to say something that I'm going to have to end up explaining if a manager figures out that was me that said it because I'm the only one working on that project or whatever, right? In some ways, you're like, no, it's not worth it. I'll just kind of gently say it's not going great. Like you said, it's almost like that bell curve you got shifted over because, the professor's like, there's only, I'll only give out two A's each semester because that's truly exceptional. And so it moves