Sexuality and Eating Concerns with Esther Hooley

On this week's podcast, we're talking about something that I haven't talked much about at all on the show:  sexuality.  Thankfully, since this is not my speciality, I'm joined by Esther Hooley, a psychologist who presented a really informative workshop that I attended a few months ago on sexuality and eating concerns.  

Esther is a psychologist in Waco, TX and practices telehealth across the U.S.  She has been a therapist for over a decade and has worked in group practices, university counseling centers, IOP/PHP for eating disorders, and private practice.  Esther has spent the past three years receiving advanced training and supervision in sex therapy.  This, coupled with her early training in trauma and spirituality, has led her to find her therapy "home" at the intersection of sexuality, trauma, and spirituality.  Esther recently finished writing her first book, Embracing Erotic Wholeness: From Shame to Curiosity, on sexuality and purity culture. 

On this episode, we started our conversation on what exactly is sexuality.  We then went on to discuss such topics as:

• What shapes one's sexuality
• Common myths about sexuality, including:
  • The frequency of sex (i.e. believing "everyone is having sex all of the time, and they're having more than I'm having")
  • The myth of spontaneous desire
  • Feeling responsible for sexually satisfying one's partner
  • One's sexual and gender orientations are fixed
  • Myths about sexual satisfaction 
• The connection between shame and restriction
• How to become more embodied during sexual experiences

Esther also talked about the Good-Enough Sex Model, a model of sexuality created by Barry McCarthy that she uses with clients.  Here's the link to a podcast episode with the creator of the model.

We also talked about Purity Culture, a "painful, powerful" movement that came about in the 1990s that created a set of rules surrounding sex and sexuality.  Esther noted that Purity Culture "really divided people from themselves and their wants and even their higher power."  And again, she's written a new book on the topic--head here to check it out!

Esther shared how she helps people get unstuck in their sexuality and look at "what are the things I'm scared of looking at, and feeling, and experiencing when it comes to sexuality."  She suggested looking at the "sexual script" you were given and really noticing what actually fits for you and what doesn't.  She gave the example of herself being told that women should be submissive and quiet, and that their job is to give their bodies for other peoples' pleasure and use.  She reevaluated this script for herself and created a new narrative.  Within this process, she asked a great question:

"If I knew everything would be ok, what would I want?"

And finally, we talked about what therapists can do to feel more comfortable discussing sexuality with our clients (which of course starts with our own work!).  Esther suggested a