85. The Measure of Marriage: Disconnected Couples

Lauren opens the episode by setting the context for today’s discussion as part 1 in a 4-part mini series with today’s topic being “disconnected” couples. She encourages listeners to visit jasonandlaurenvallotton.com to take the free marriage assessment, a tool designed to give a real-time look at the state of your relationship. She emphasizes that understanding the three possible categories is essential to chart a pathway forward for growth in your marriage.

Segment 1: Understanding Disconnection in Marriage

Jason begins by sharing a profound truth: “People don’t fall out of love; they become disconnected.” He then dives into the feelings and signs of disconnection:

• Your partner feels like the enemy: You might find yourself arguing with them, even when they’re not around.
• Emotional Safety: You feel unsafe to share your true emotions, leading to hiding or dishonesty.
• Building a Case: You spend time thinking about how you’re right and they’re wrong, instead of seeking connection.
• Self-Protection: You stop asking for help, become self-sufficient, and focus on meeting your needs independently.

Segment 2: Contributors to a Disconnected Marriage

Jason shares a personal story from early in his marriage, where unresolved conflict led him to shut down emotionally. He explains that poor communication and conflict resolution skills are major contributors to disconnection. However, he clarifies that conflict itself isn’t the problem; it’s the inability to work through it effectively.

Key points discussed include:

• Past Traumas and Unhealed Pain: How these can dictate decisions and create barriers to connection.
• Addictions: The role of substances or behaviors like alcohol, porn, drugs, or overwork in eroding trust and credibility in a marriage.
• Self-Love: Jason emphasizes that your ability to love and care for yourself directly impacts how you love your partner.

Segment 3: Moving Toward Connection

Jason talks about the importance of courage, compassion, authenticity, and vulnerability in creating pathways to connection. He references Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly (link), underscoring that connection starts with personal responsibility.

He highlights the following steps:

• Ownership and Humility: Jason shares a personal story of a fight outside the church, illustrating the importance of focusing on your part in a conflict.
• Gottman’s Repair Attempts: Referencing a fight in Hawaii, Jason discusses the value of repair attempts in restoring connection. He points listeners to Gottman’s book (link).
• Making Amends: Jason advises that sometimes reconnection requires making amends, especially when your partner hasn’t felt seen, heard, known, or validated in their pain.

Resources:

• Vallotton's Marriage Connection Assessment
• Brown’s Daring Greatly: Amazon Link
• Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: Amazon Link

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