Beyond 36 with Kim Kirkley Kim Kirkley

Welcome to Beyond36 the podcast that asks the question that sparks connection!

In this episode I reveal the best gift of all!
This is episode 005! It’s a special edition! How do you celebrate your anniversary? A nice dinner, tickets to a show? Maybe a trip? A sparkly gift? All of those items work and are grand ways to commemorate your relationship. But how do you fill the time during the dinner? Intermission during the show? The journey to your destination? The chat before or after the gift? I suggest you fill it with reflections of the best times the two of you have had together and very specific compliments.

An anniversary is one of the few times in our busy modern lives where a couple is encouraged to notice where we have have been and where we are going. Woe to the spouse who blindly or robotically chooses a gift. If my love where to buy me a Prada bag I would feel like she or he didn’t know me at all. It’s a great gift for many, but not for me.

Every human being has an innate and burning desire to be witnessed but not fixed. I suggest that on your anniversary you bare witness to your favorite experience with your partner. Sit eye to eye and let your heart beam into your beloved’s heart. Maybe even imagine a thick red velvet cord of connectivity going from your heart to your dear one’s heart. Softly and lovingly gaze into your partner’s eyes and verbally paint a picture of a time where you felt extraordinarily in love and maybe even a little in awe of your partner. Maybe you were at a work function and you noticed your spouse moving through the room of strangers with ease. Charming people left and right. Maybe you remember chuckling to yourself about how lucky you are to go home with that person. Now, tell your partner why this experience stands out for you. Maybe it’s because at this function you had a chance to see so many of your beloved’s best qualities on the warmth, intelligence and grace.
Now, tell your partner the core reason that gives your relationship, life and vitality.

Remember the quote “Words create worlds.” As you celebrate your anniversary use your words to highlight the best parts of your world because what we focus on grows. Here’s another powerful quote from the world of Appreciative Inquiry -- by Sue Hammond, “People have more confidence and comfort in the journey to the future (the unknown) when they carry forward parts of the past (the known). If we carry parts of the past forward, they should be what is best about the past.” Let your anniversary be an opportunity for you to carry the best of your past into the future. Give your partner the best gift of all -- the feeling of being seen, appreciated and exquisitely connected. That’s what we are all searching for. Science tells us that every addiction known to humankind is actually an lose/lose quest for connection.

So, connect to your partner and kids, as much as possible. In episode 004 we talk about the importance of turning toward your partner when they make a bid for connection. In episode 003 we talk about how important it is to make sure that the listener actually heard what was said. In episode 002 we discuss how to be a good listener and in episode 001 I share how important it is to check the timing before beginning a conversation. I hope you will put all of these tips together and infuse your anniversary conversations and every intentional conversation you have with your beloved with heart, loving witnessing, appreciation and compassion! May your loving energy ripple out into your family, your community and all of our world. In this is way we multiply the sweetness of life and love.
Schedule an in-person or virtual conversation of the heart for the 2 of you with Kim’s coaching by visiting www.OurElegantCeremony.com and clicking the scheduling button on the top right corner. You will be glad that you did!
I am Kim Kirkley of Beyond36 encouraging you to ask the question that sparks connection, everyda

Welcome to Beyond36 the podcast that asks the question that sparks connection!
This is episode 004! Stay tuned for today’s tip, question and quote. But first let’s get on the same page:

Have you ever noticed a couple who have been together for many years and wondered or even asked them if they had a secret to their happiness?
Did you know that there is an organization that has studied relationships for decades and found that there actually is a secret to a happy marriage and they can predict, with startingly, striking accuracy whether a couple will stay together?!

Here is the secret in a nutshell: Turn Towards. Link in the show notes. https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/ The Gottman Institute invited newlyweds to stay in a guest house and observed their interactions. 6 years later they invited the same couples to return. By this time many were still together and many had divorced. They studied the couples again. They found that the couples who were still together turned towards each other 86% of the time. The couples who were divorced turned toward each other only 33% of the time. As the Guttmacher Institute found, the secret is turning toward. You might be saying turning toward what? Well, you want to turn toward your partner when a bid for attention is made. It could be as simple as “look at that squirrel” or “How was the cake?” or “Let me tell you what happened…” There are the words that we hear but in these bids for attention there is always a deeper meaning, deeper request. It is usually something like “share this moment with me, here and now” or “be with me in this experience.” You have heard me say it before and I will probably say it again many many times -- every human being has a need to be witnessed and not fixed. I am an introvert so I know it is not always easy to put aside of one’s own internal drama or conversation to connect with the partner but the research is clear. When you do respond to a bid for connection, no matter how seemingly inconsequential or random, you are turning towards your partner and fortifying your relationship.

Here is the question of the week:

It is fifty years from now, where are we and what are we doing? Have fun with this and verbally paint the grandest picture of your loveliest dream for your relationship.



Here is the quote of the week:
We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers our actions run as causes and return to us as results. Herman Melville
What does this quote spark in you?
Remember you and your partner can answer the question or respond to the quote or both. The most important thing is to turn toward one another 9 out of ten times that a conversation or bid is offered. I encourage you to check out the Gottman Institute’s blog and sign up for their newsletter: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

Beyond 36 Tip of the week: Turn towards your partner’s bid for connection.
Question: It’s fifty years from now. Where are we and what are we doing?

Beyond 36 quote of the week:
We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers our actions run as causes and return to us as results. Herman Melville

Share that good truth you hold in your heart dear listener! Also, so that you are both on the same page, share this episode of the Beyond36 podcast with the person you would like to engage in conversation or share a bid with. It will help you both to share a similar perspective and ready to have a heart to heart chat!
I am Kim Kirkley of Beyond36 encouraging you to ask the question that sparks connection, everyday!

Welcome to Beyond36 the podcast that asks the question that sparks connection, every day!

This is episode 003! Stay tuned for today’s tip, question and quote. But first I will set the table:

Do you ever buy a piece of clothing and a little sticker is on it? It might say inspected by 0000 or approved by 009. It’s a quality control tag. Someone did their work and made the garment but before it was released to the world, someone gave it another look to see if it met with the company standards. Some call it quality assurance. Quality control. It is done with clothing. Let’s also do it with our relationships especially in our conversations with the one’s who matter to us most.

What is quality control in a conversation it is asking the speaker to double check what you heard. It goes something like, Now the listener is to ask the speaker if s/he understands what has been said. “You believe ___________. Is that right?” Or “You are asking, ______.” Or I heard you say, “_________. Is that right?” How many arguments have you gotten into because of a misunderstanding? This step should help to avoid silly misunderstandings. Be willing to go as deep as necessary so that the speaker can fully express their truth.

Because life is change, in this episode I will offer the quote before the question. The quote of the day is: “Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.”

REPEAT

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.”

Here is the question of the day:
What is your favorite key moment in your life?
REPEAT
What is your favorite key moment in your life?

After you ask the question, remember to be a good listener. For tips about how to listen effectively tune into Beyond36 Episode 2 and 4!
Also, so that you are both on the same page, share this episode of the Beyond36 podcast with the person you would like to ask this question. It will help you both to be on the same page and ready to have an intentional chat!
I am Kim Kirkley of Beyond36 encouraging you to ask the question that sparks connection, everyday!

Welcome to Beyond36 the podcast that asks the question that sparks connection!
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This is episode 002! Stay tuned for today’s tip, question and quote. But first I will set the table:

Did you ever play the “Telephone Game” as kid? Where one person whispers a message to the next and finally the last person announces what she heard? Usually her announcement is very different from the original message. That’s the way most of us hear. The message becomes distorted. Not because the speaker is listening but because the message goes through our own internal filters and conditioning. We listen just long enough to formulate a response and then many of us do not wait to speak we interrupt, overtalk just to have our say. A message is sent but is it received? Do we really hear what has been said?

When having an intentional chat we have some ground rules. After making sure the listener is ready to listen -- listen to episode one for more on making sure the time is right to have an intentional chat.

But how do you listen?

TO LISTEN
Give your partner a chance to really share her thoughts by sitting face to face, heart to heart, belly to belly, maintaining gentle (loving not confrontational) eye contact and take in what she has to say without focusing on what you might say next. This is really listening. You may think – I know what she is going to say. Well, you do not and, even if this is the fiftieth time you have had the same argument, give your partner the respect of listening. You will be rewarded for it in so many ways.

It is okay to nod, reach out and hold hands, or rub a knee but do not interrupt. Interrupting is disrespectful. It says that what I want to say is more important than what you are saying. Love requires respect!

Let your partner have her say and just receive the message.

So this is tip number 2 -- listen

Here is question number 2 --

2. When did you last notice that you appreciate what I bring to your life?

Listener this is a question that is likely to make the speaker feel very vulnerable. Please do not use this opening as an opportunity to unload, criticize, blame or shame. Leave the bad memories of the past in the past and for this question, especially, only bring forward something good. What we focus on grows so for these intentional chats, let’s focus on the good.

And with this question you are going to shift from listener to speaker. As you make the shift uses “I” language and tell her the last time or the most powerful memory of when you were most appreciative of the speaker’s presence in your life as you maintain gentle eye-contact.

repeat


2. When did you last notice that you appreciate what I bring to your life?
Listener please answer this question! It is an opening to more love and trust. Here is the quote of the day to encourage you: from ANONYMOUS What we see around us matters far less than the truths that we hold in our hearts.
Share that good truth you hold in your heart dear listener! Also, so that you are both on the same page, share this episode of the Beyond36 podcast with the person you would like to ask this question. It will help you both to be on the same page and ready to have an intentional chat!

Welcome to Beyond36 the podcast that asks the question that sparks connection!

This is episode 001! Stay tuned for today’s tip, question and quote. But first:
We have all seen those couples, usually at a restaurant. Picture a couple sitting across from each other, their eyes glued to their respective smartphones. The food arrives and still they don’t have anything to say to each other. Maybe one or both of them returns to their smartphone. Physically they are at the same table, sharing a meal. Emotionally, they are miles away. Nobody dreams of a relationship like this. But too many of us find ourselves without anything to say to the one we love.

Almost everybody wants at least one relationship where we feel cherished, understood and loved! But how do we get it? You can’t buy it and you can’t fake it. A relationship that connects soul to soul must be nurtured and cultivated. But how? My favorite is to connect through questions and answers! Do this soft gaze to soft gaze, while speaking words from the heart and you will have a soul friendship that will be the envy of your friends and family!
The human journey is a continuous act of transfiguration. If approached in friendship, the unknown, the anonymous, the negative, and the threatening gradually yield their secret infinity with us. ~ John O’Donahue

You enhance your special connection when you share your authentic self -- wounds, wackiness and all -- with your partner. The best way to create a wonderful life is to take full responsibility for our lives – the beautiful and the ugly aspects. The gift of life is love. And one of the best gifts of all, is to be with someone who really sees you and loves all of you.

Ask questions from your heart and you will be answered from the heart. ~ Omaha Proverb

The Beyond36 tip of the day is --

1. CHECK THE TIMING
Ask "Is now a good time to ask a Beyond 36 question?" or "Is now a good time to have an intentional chat?"

Question Number 1 --
What one thing can I do today to let you know that I love you?
Today’s quote is from Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.

You can share that quote with your listener and ask whether s/he agrees with that statement or how does it apply to his/her life. Have fun with it!

Okay to recap -- the tip of the day is before engaging in an intentional chat always check the timing. The question of the day is What one thing can i do today to let you know that I love you? And the quote of the day is from Emerson -- The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
Also, so that you are both on the same page, share this episode of the Beyond_36 podcast with the person you would like to ask this question. It will help you both to be on the same page and ready to have an intentional chat! And please be sure to listen to Episode 2 where I talk about how to be a good listener! Please let me know how it goes!

Welcome to Beyond 36, the podcast that asks the question that sparks connection. This initial episode is intended to outline what can be expected from the podcast and introduce you to the host, Kim Kirkley. There
will be a new episode every Friday but for the launch there will be 3 episode in addition to this 000 introduction.

Kim Kirkley created this podcast because she seeks to help more people thrive in relationships. It would be wonderful if you would rate and review this podcast, today on iTunes, Stitcher, etc. This is vital, especially in the early days of a podcast. Your review helps the Beyond 36 podcast rise in the rankings and get noticed by more people. If you rate Beyond 36 with 5 stars, I’ll thank you in a future episode.

The title Beyond36 comes from the groundbreaking work 36 Questions that psychologist Arthur Arons posits can lead to love. You can read more about it in the New York Times article entitled To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This: https://nyti.ms/2KBCxAB. Beyond36 is meant to help couples who already fell in love and now are perhaps juggling a mortgage, children, aging parents, other responsibilities to stay in love and grow even deeper in love.