Ask Dr. Karla Q&A: How can I help my overweight teen without judging her?

• I'm struggling with wanting to help my daughter who is overweight.  I want her to be healthy and feel good about her body. I also know there is so much stigma about size in our society. I feel stuck. How can I help her?

This is what I call dualistic thinking, black and white, two sides of a coin, where on one side Mom is stuck in wanting her daughter to be body positive and fully love and accept herself and feel healthy, but also is stuck in diet culture beliefs perpetuated by our society and in all the promises of thinness. You’re pinging back and forth and that’s creating a lot of confusion and self-doubt and fear and keeping you stuck and not taking action. What if they are not mutually exclusive? What if you could meet in the middle and believe your daughter can be both body positive and have healthy habits that help her reach her healthy weight range? Research shows that positive body image and family mealtimes are protective factors to prevent weight gain and eating disorders. Helping her create healthy habits takes action steps like more family mealtime planning. Get yourself in the middle lane taking action. 

• How can I help my daughter when she feels frustrated and gets upset about her body and uses food and sugary drinks to feel better? I know that external fixes are just a quick fix band-aid and seem to make the problem worse.  

You have great awareness. Sounds like she is buffering her emotions with food. It’s like numbing out. Instead of allowing an urge that comes up, which is a feeling, she is avoiding the feeling by getting the false reward sugary dopamine zing. It’s a conditioned overdesire pathway in the brain. It’s a habit path in the brain.  Habits are based on environmental cues. Good news is the brain is malleable and adaptable and so is the environment. Don’t get in her lane. Stay in yours. Start by creating more openness about feelings so that she is able to respond and process instead of avoiding and going to food. How are you feeling? Talk about your feelings and get a bit descriptive by using a metaphor. Model healthy coping skills. Also, don’t assume you know what’s going on in her mind.  Don’t bring up body image issues unless she does. This can bite you in the butt. If she has urges and cravings at certain times of the day, then have some snacks readily available that have a balance and aren’t processed foods.  Ask her what she wants and plan a day ahead. You are helping her create mindfulness eating habits and awareness before choice. 

• I know my daughter is unhappy about her body and I desperately want to help her, but I am also terrified that if I bring it up she will feel judged or I will destroy her confidence.  

You get to decide ahead of time how you want to show up in situations. That’s what you can control.  You can’t control how your daughter feels or how she responds. If she feels judged, it’s coming from her thoughts.  That being said, what you want is to be a responsive parent, to be intentional about how you will respond when SHE brings it up or there are situations that activate her negative body image thoughts.  You want to be a soft place to land.  

Self-love superpower,

Dr. Karla

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