176 Dismantling Defensiveness

Defensiveness feels like a good way to protect yourself from harm in relationships, but it’s usually more effective at closing yourself off from personal growth, peace, connection, intimacy, multiplicity… and a lot of other wonderful parts of relating.

Getting defensive is an unconscious strategy, a deeply ingrained response. Curbing it can feel like herding cats. Tomorrow, we’re helping you find the roots of your defensiveness and we’re sharing practical tools to help you identify and dismantle those sticky patterns so you can connect without defending and still feel safe.

Letting go of the need to be right isn’t just about winning fewer fights; it’s about transforming how you show up in your relationships. When you allow room for multiple truths, you open the door to deeper empathy and connection in all areas of your life.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What defensiveness is and how it manifests in relationships

— The connection between defensiveness and ego protection

— How childhood experiences can shape our defensive patterns

— The impact of defensiveness on creativity and personal growth

— Practical techniques for recognizing and reducing defensive reactions

— The importance of self-awareness in combating defensiveness

— How to use questions instead of statements to foster understanding

— The value of assuming goodwill in conversations with partners

— Strategies for contextualizing issues and avoiding over-explanation

— The role of shadow work and self-acceptance in reducing defensiveness

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Luis Mojica's work on tolerating peace

— Gay Hendricks' book The Big Leap

— Andrew Leeds' on positive affect tolerance

— Neurosomatic Intelligence (NSI) training

— PWF Episode 164 on shadow work and Existential Kink

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions