337: GirlTalk: Ever felt like she’s testing you?

Ever felt like there was a "right" answer to a question a woman asked you, or a "right" way to respond to a situation with her? Did it feel like if you did the "wrong" thing, there would be consequences? Then you've likely been tested!

Testing (also known as "feminine testing" -- or sometimes a term I personally dislike -- "shit testing" -- can be a confusing and frustrating experience to be on the receiving end of. Testing can happen in the early phases of dating, as well as once you're in a long-term committed relationship.

As is true with many things in sex, dating, and relationships, there are nuances here that make this complex. Many women aren't even consciously aware of their tests. For others, testing is about seeking some kind of control; or a trauma background means they're very invested in ensuring that they know the truth, and testing is how they believe they're sure to get it.

Here we share our own personal experiences of testing -- how we define it, why we did/do it, what it sounded like, and the vulnerabilities underneath. We also discuss how the ways a man responds to tests can potentially lead to more connection, respect, and, ultimately, love.

As one member of GirlTalk put it, "At the core level it's, 'Do you love me?'"

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "For me, knowing the truth has me feel safe."
• "How hard is he trying to see me and get to know me better?"
• "It’s OK that you’re angry with me right now."
• "Will you fight for me to stay?"
• "Are you going to create space for me to talk about my feelings?" 
• "I really want to hear what you have to share. It’s important to me."