82: Sarah and Bob's Story: Shifting From Annoying Fights To Healing Childhood Attachment Trauma Through Couples Therapy with Katie Ziskind

In this episode, "82: Sarah and Bob's Story: Healing Childhood Attachment Trauma Through Couples Therapy" of the "All Things Love and Intimacy" podcast with Katie Ziskind, we dive deep into the impact of childhood attachment trauma and how early relationships with abusive, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable parents can shape the way we connect in adulthood. When your current fight seems beyond frustrating, painful, annoying, and confusing, the expert help of marriage therapist and relationship coach Katie Ziskind helps you dive deeper into unmet childhood needs and inner child wounds. We'll explore the story of Sarah and Bob, a couple struggling with conflict, who realized that their biggest fight wasn’t just about a disagreement but rooted in their unresolved childhood wounds. Sarah’s avoidant tendencies and Bob’s need for external validation stemmed from the emotional abuse, neglect, and trauma they experienced growing up. Both learned survival tactics—fight, flight, fawn, and freeze—which now prevent them from experiencing emotional intimacy in their marriage. Join us as we walk through their therapy journey, guided by emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT), to rebuild a secure attachment, foster emotional openness, and break free from their old patterns of survival. If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in repeated cycles of disconnection, this episode will give you insight into how childhood trauma can shape your present relationship and how EFT can help you heal together, creating a loving, emotionally secure partnership. Sarah and Bob, a couple in their late thirties, came into my office wanting to address a massive fight they had on Thursday night. Both were left feeling upset, confused, and deeply hurt, with emotions ranging from annoyance to irritation. As their couples therapist, I knew this fight was likely not just about what had happened on the surface, but rooted in deeper patterns of interaction that had been forming for years. I decided to explore their past relationships, particularly with their primary caregivers. We began the session by discussing the fight itself, but soon, I shifted the conversation to what may have triggered such strong emotional responses. I asked Bob and Sarah to think about how their families handled emotions growing up, especially anger and conflict. It didn’t take long for Bob to start opening up about his relationship with his father. At first, Bob hesitated, claiming his childhood was normal. He said he had a "good" relationship with his father, describing him as firm but fair. However, as we delved deeper, the cracks in this narrative started to show. When I asked Bob about what his dad was like when he got angry, Bob’s demeanor changed. He revealed painful memories of being hit with a belt, spanked, and punished harshly when he did something wrong. His father would make him sit alone for hours, and there were times his mouth was washed out with soap for speaking out of line. As Bob shared more, I could sense the emotional weight he had been carrying for years. He had internalized his father’s actions as "just the way things were." Bob even remarked, "All fathers did that at that time." I gently reminded him that, while many people endured similar experiences, it didn’t make them any less traumatic. The physical and emotional abuse he suffered as a child caused him to feel afraid, helpless, and powerless. It silenced his voice in childhood, and those feelings were now showing up in his relationship with Sarah. This story illustrates how emotionally focused couples therapy can help couples like Sarah and Bob unravel the deeply ingrained survival strategies they developed in response to childhood trauma. By addressing those wounds and fostering emotional vulnerability, couples can build a secure attachment, heal from their pasts, and create a deeply connected, fulfilling relationship. Start improving your marriage today with Katie Ziskind: www.Wi