Become A Calm Mama Darlynn Childress

Summer Break can somehow be both easier and more stressful for parents. Create a rhythm and make sure your kid’s (and your) needs are met with these 7 family essentials this summer.
You’ll Learn:
The 7 essential ingredients every family needs to thriveWhy boredom is super important and how to deal with itHow to troubleshoot when your kid is complaining, grumpy and over-tiredWhat to do to calm all the nervous systems in your home this summer
If you start to see your kids fighting or complaining a lot, seeming lethargic or unmotivated, this episode will help you to know what to work on to get them back on track and enjoying summer again.
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7 Family Essentials This SummerDuring the summer, we tend to get out of balance as a family. The kids stay up later. We travel a lot. There's a lot of extra screen time. And so we get out of our rhythms and routines.
In some ways, there’s a bit more ease, but it’s also a lot of work for parents. When you are able to give your kids access to the types of things they need in order to stay self regulated, you'll have a lot less misbehavior.
It’s impossible to meet every single one of your kid’s physical, emotional and mental needs all the time. But what we can do is build a framework that helps you know what it is that you should be working on if your kids seem off balance. 
#1: Family Touch Points
These are real, in-person moments when everyone in your family puts down the devices and does something together. This could be eating a meal, watching a movie together, going for a walk or bike ride, doing a craft or whatever you enjoy doing as a family. The point is that everybody is doing the same thing at the same time. 
Research shows that when families enjoy activities together, kids develop a higher self esteem because they feel important. They feel like they matter to the grown ups in their life. It also strengthens your communication with them, and you get better behavior because you’re filling their cup. Plan these times and be intentional with them.
#2: Boredom
Boredom is good for kids’ cognitive and emotional development. They will resist it because it’s uncomfortable. The brain wants fast, easy sources of input. But if you don’t try to solve that problem for your kid, if you let them struggle through the boredom, they will get to the other side - and often come up with really creative ideas. 
One way to give kids the opportunity to have boredom is through screen-free breaks. This is a period of time when your kid doesn’t have access to technology. Once their brain realizes that the quick dopamine fix from screens isn’t available, it will solve the problem.
#3: Time In Nature
Children desperately need to be in nature in order to grow up with good physical and emotional health. Kids who spend a lot of time outdoors are less distracted and have a higher ability to focus. They are also less likely to be depressed. 
Create as much time as you can to be outside. And when you are in nature, try to move slowly. Look at the sky. Notice the clouds. Look at the birds. Try to find out which one is making which noise. Notice the different colors of green. Let them take their shoes off and dig in the dirt a little bit.
#4: Movement & Rest
Kids need to move their bodies more than adults. I call this big body movement. They need to be running and swimming and throwing and jumping. This movement helps to grow their brains, bodies and nervous systems. 
Kids under 10 need 2 rounds of big body movement each day - preferably before noon and again about an hour before you start the bedtime routine. And because movement leads to better quality sleep, kids who are...

Inspired by the Netflix documentary “Stutz”, these 3 unavoidable aspects of parenting are actually unavoidable aspects of life. They’re universal truths that we all have to deal with as humans. 
You’ll Learn:
The 3 unavoidable aspects of parenting (and life)The lies we tell ourselves that keep us doing more, more, moreHow to cope with pain, uncertainty and constant work as a parentWhy the inevitability of these 3 things is actually a huge relief
We will all experience pain, uncertainty and constant work. It’s part of life as a human. If we know that these things are inevitable, we can stop fighting against them and find more peace. I’m sharing tips to help you do just that - and guide your kids to do the same.
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This podcast was inspired by a Netflix documentary I watched recently called “Stutz”. In it, therapist Phil Stutz explains three unavoidable experiences that we will all have: pain, uncertainty and constant work. 
3 Unavoidable Aspects of ParentingAs I was watching, I realized that these 3 things are also true of the parenting experience. I actually found it to be a relief that no matter what you do or who your kids are, pain, uncertainty and constant work are unavoidable. 
If we know that these things are inevitable, we can stop fighting against them and find more peace.
PainIn this context, I think of pain mainly as emotional pain or psychological discomfort. It might look like grief, anger, anxiety or a combination of emotions. Pain can be brought on by actual situations of loss, rejection, disappointment or trauma. It can also come about simply through the nature of being a child’s caregiver. 
Your kid is also going to experience pain. We can’t protect them from all painful experiences, but we can give them the tools to be able to handle the discomforts and pains of life. 
And while pain is inevitable, it is not constant. It’s a short-term experience. Suffering is when we dwell on that pain and keep bringing it back up. We don’t need to create this unnecessary suffering for ourselves. 
UncertaintyThere are a lot of unknowns in parenting (and in life). We can try to plan or predict what’s going to happen, but we never really know. 
The real underlying fear with uncertainty is that something will happen that you won’t be able to handle. So you try to predict and plan and run scenarios through your mind. But this puts you in an anxiety spiral, because you’re trying to solve an imaginary problem. 
Constant WorkThis isn’t about your job, though that is one part of it. Just to live as a human, you have to take care of your body - eat, drink, clean yourself, etc. Caring for your emotional and spiritual health and your relationships also takes work. Plus, there’s the caregiving aspect of parenting. 
When your kids are little, it can feel relentless. You are using your body to care for them all the time. You’re picking them up, carrying them, cleaning up messes. 
Then between the ages of 6-12, the work shifts to your head. You’re problem solving, managing schedules and so many details. 
In the tween and teen years, the work moves to your heart. During this time, there is a lot of worry and feeling for your kid as they go through tough times. This is also where a lot of uncertainty comes into play. 
The Brain’s TricksI bought into a lie that I could avoid uncertainty with constant work. My brain tricked me into believing that if I was really, really productive and managed everything, that the future would be settled. So I was hyperplanning, overworking, controlling and not letting others do things. But the truth is that uncertainty still happened, and when it did, I would get really...

There are 4 primary parenting styles out there, but they aren’t all completely separate from each other. Like so many other things, they exist on a spectrum. You might fall into different parenting styles in different stages or situations. 
You’ll Learn:
The 4 main parenting styles, and how to recognize when you are using each oneThe benefits of authoritarian parentingHow to shift away from being overly strict, permissive or detached and get to a more connected and healthy space with your child
In this episode, I hope you’ll become more aware of your own parenting style, be a little more understanding of where other parents are coming from and learn to shift your approach closer to where you want it to be.
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It can be easy for us to judge parents with a different style from our own, but you’ll notice as we go through them that, while we may have tendencies that match most with one style, none of us fits into just one of these categories. 
In this episode, I hope you’ll become more aware of your own parenting style, be a little more understanding of where other parents are coming from and learn to shift your approach closer to where you want it to be.
 
What Is Your Parenting Style?3 of these parenting styles were identified by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind in the 1960s. The neglectful parenting style was added later on. 
There will be moments in your parenting where you fall more into one of these styles than others. There will be moments when you will act controlling, permissive or unengaged. It happens to us all.
These periods of time do not make you a bad parent. Our goal is to be aware of how you’re showing up so that you can bring yourself back to where you want to be (the authoritative style). 
 
Authoritarian parenting is like being a dictator or a drill sergeant. This is what I think of as “traditional” parenting. This parent wants a high level of control over their children. There are rules that you must obey, and if you don’t, there are consequences. It’s very direct and doesn’t really take the child’s feelings and emotions into account. There isn’t space for conversations about what is underneath the behavior. 
In this style of parenting, we often see yelling, screaming and spanking, which triggers a fear response in the child. This can change behavior but damage the relationship. Kids raised with this style also tend to have a lot of repressed emotion because they don’t know how to process their feelings. It can show up as hostility, aggression or poor self esteem. 
I don’t believe that any of us really want to act this way. We do it because it’s what we saw when we were growing up. And often, there is some kind of worry or fear beneath it. We worry that a behavior will continue or get worse, that our kid won’t change or grow, that they will somehow not be okay.
 
Indulgent parenting is also known as permissive parenting. It’s really common for parents who don’t want to be in the dictator role to go a little too far in the other direction. In this style, you might have rules, but you don’t really enforce them. Being liked by your kid takes higher priority than being their parent. The truth is, when you follow through on a limit or consequence, your kid is probably going to get upset. That makes it really hard for these parents to enforce consequences. 
In this style, your child might be really connected to you, but they aren’t getting the rules and experiences they need in order to grow. Being too permissive can even impact their health and safety when it comes to things like getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, brushing their teeth or wearing shoes so they don’t hurt their...

I’m a little fired up on this one, so get ready! Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve read a few different headlines that have gotten me really mad, because these articles want to blame parents for pretty much every societal problem. 
I want to let you know that you don't have to pay attention to these kinds of headlines and articles that want to blame parents. There are much larger issues at play here. 
In this episode, you’ll learn:
Why so many of the issues being blamed on parents are really not your faultThe difference between individual and societal issues when it comes to raising our kidsHow to filter which information is helpful or true and when someone is just looking for a scapegoatWhy I believe we’re all going to be just fine
As someone who works with moms (and parents in general), I see how much time and energy you are investing, how hard you are working at parenting your kids. You don’t have to be a scapegoat.
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As a mom, you’re making a lot of decisions about your child’s health and education, making appointments, looking at different schools and figuring out enrichment activities. 
You probably internalize that it is your job to have “good” kids, and it’s easy to view your child and their behavior as a result of the work you are putting in. 
I want to let you know that you don't have to pay attention to these kinds of headlines and articles that want to blame parents. You can just ignore them and move on. 
There are much larger issues at play here than individual parents and families. 
 
The ArticlesOne of the articles I read on ScaryMommy.com titled A Teacher Says The Problem With Kids Today Is A Parenting Problem shares a statistic that 23% of teachers left their school in 2023. 
In the article, a teacher of 24 years is interviewed and says, “We have raised children to think that they are absolutely the most important person in any room. They are so special that whatever they want to do, or whatever they think, or whatever they say is the most important thing in that moment.”
Throughout the interview, she seems to be holding parents responsible for classroom behavior, but she also goes on to say, “Let’s reevaluate our family cultures, our community cultures, and our larger society cultures.”
Another article from the LA Times, Millennials gave birth to ‘Generation Alpha.’ Are these kids already doomed?, says that this next generation (born between roughly 2010-2024) are already widely being called “feral”, “illiterate”, and “doomed”. The article goes on to blame bad parenting by millennials, tech companies or both.
These kinds of headlines are so discouraging to parents who are doing the best they can, often under really challenging circumstances.
There are so many things outside of our control. For example, tech companies and the decisions that they make or curriculum and use of technology in schools.  
We also had no control over the pandemic. Of course there is going to be an effect and a delay in social and academic skills when much of society was shut down for 18 months during the early years of these kids’ lives. 
Sometimes, no one is truly at fault. It’s just a crappy situation that we’re trying to work through and figure out. And it’s not fair to put that blame on the parents.
 
Screens in Our SocietyThe LA Times article also references, “the iPad kid is a child who cannot sit through a...

Mother’s Day is coming. And if you've had a few Mother's Days that end with you getting into bed feeling totally wiped out and resentful, this podcast episode is for you. I’m talking all about how to create your best Mother’s Day plan for a day you actually enjoy!
You’ll Learn:
Why Mother’s Day can be so hardSteps for creating your best Mother’s Day planHow to process the “Mother’s Day Hangover” of disappointment, resentment or sadness on Monday morning
This Mother’s Day, I send my love to all the mothers. For the first mothers, the forever mothers, the motherless mothers, the childless mothers, and the not-yet mothers. I love you. I see you.
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Mother's Day has a way of ending up the OPPOSITE of ideal for most moms.
A lot of times, moms spend Mother's Day cleaning up the kitchen after a messy breakfast in bed, followed by a lunch that's focused on their mother or mother-in-law, and then capped off by a rushed take-out dinner with all the regular bedtime routine shenanigans.
 
Taking Back Mother’s DayI’m just going to say it - Mother’s Day is FOR moms!
Usually, two things keep moms from creating their ideal day: guilt and not asking for what they want.
I want you to know that it is okay to not want to spend every minute of Mother's Day with your kids. Getting breaks from your kids is actually super important, so if you want a few kid-free hours on Mother's Day, it’s okay.
You might also feel guilty about balancing how to honor your mom, mother-in-law, etc. with getting what you want from the day, too. It can be a lot of people to please, especially if you live in the same town. People-pleasing is not what Mother’s Day is about, and you might not be able to satisfy everybody. Think about what you want from the day and take it from there.
I want Mother’s Day to be amazing for you, so I’m going to help you work through these common obstacles and make a plan and design a Mother’s Day that actually feels good to you. One where you get what you truly want from the day.
 
Make Your Best Mother’s Day PlanIt is your job to figure out what you want and then ask for it. Here’s how…
 
Step 1: Decide what you want
What does your ideal Mother’s Day look like? Take a few minutes to really think about this or journal on it. What do you really want? How do you want to spend your Mother’s Day?
Is it a break from kids? Time with your friends? Alone time? A visit with your own mom? A special family activity?
Do you want to sleep in? Shop? Go out to lunch? Spend time outdoors?
 
Step 2: Communicate your plan
If it's going to be a day where we honor and celebrate our experience as mothers and let the people around us honor and appreciate us, then we need to figure out a way to communicate what we want.
Talk to your partner (if you have one) about your vision for the day. Ask them if they think that plan will work. Are they willing to try something new if that’s what you want? 
If there are other mothers involved, reach out to them and see what they have in mind for the day. If you’re hoping for a more relaxed day, ask if you can have a shorter visit or if they’re open to celebrating together on Saturday or a different weekend. If they aren’t willing to change their plans or expectations, can you take your ideal day a week later? 
Having these conversations in advance is really, really helpful because it helps you get on the same page and make a real plan.
 
The Mother’s Day HangoverIf Mother’s Day can be hard, the day after can be even harder. Even if you manage to have a wonderful Mother’s Day, you’ll probably still have what I call the Mother’s Day Hangover. 
On Monday morning, when...

Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page as your coparent with limits and consequences. 
You’ll Learn:
Why learning to regulate your emotions is like learning to read and write3 coparenting scenarios and how to navigate themWhat to do when you’re not on board with your coparent’s limits & consequencesThe good news about your relationship with your kid
Our goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.
But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?
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In last week’s episode, we talked about what it means to be on the same page as your coparent, particularly when it comes to self-regulation and connection with your kids. Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page with limits and consequences. 
Our goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.
But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?
 
3 Types of CoparentingYou and your coparent will fall into one of three scenarios. Based on your situation, there are different conversations, approaches and tools you can use to guide your parenting. 
 
Scenario #1: Two people who live together and have a mutual commitment to calm and conscious parentingOnce you’ve determined that you’re on the same page with your parenting values, goals and approach, you also have to figure out how you’ll stay on the same page. 
 
Getting on the same page. The first step here is talking about your values as parents, which you can learn more about in last week’s episode. Next, talk about what happens if you notice that your kids are off track, especially if you find yourself arguing about the behavior.
When you notice off track behavior, have a connection conversation about the pattern that you’ve seen. It’s really important that neither of you are judging or getting defensive in this conversation. Lean into curiosity - What do you think is going on? Why do you think they’re acting this way? What’s happening underneath? What do they need?
You might realize that this is more of an emotional issue. Maybe your child needs some more skills around managing their feelings or there is an emotional need that isn’t being met. A lot of times if you meet the emotional need of a behavior, you can kind of the behavior lessens. You might also find that you need to set a limit around the behavior. 
 
Staying on the same page. What will you do when your coparent gets off track? I recommend that, as long as the coparent isn't being explosive or hurtful, you let it play out. Be a compassionate witness, notice what’s going on with your coparent and with your kid and get curious about why. 
Then, later on when everyone is calm, talk to your coparent about what happened. Again, you aren’t bringing it up to criticize or blame. The goal is to evaluate, problem solve and troubleshoot. Go through the steps of the Calm Mama Process (Calm, Connect, Limit Set, Correct) and pinpoint where the issue was and how you can solve for it. 
These conversations are what help you do the fine-tuning to move you closer to your parenting...