Dear Sugars

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Radically empathic advice. Produced by WBUR.

26 OCT

From the archives: The Great Reckoning

This episode was originally published on July 28th, 2018. Special guests Mitchell S. Jackson and Rebecca Skloot share the stage with the Sugars to tell stories of personal reckoning and answer letters from the audience. To some extent, every letter the Sugars receive is a kind of reckoning, as it’s often the letter writer’s first attempt at taking account of their mistakes and delusions. In this episode, the Sugars take a long hard look at transgressions of love, friendship, the self and so much more. Mitchell S. Jackson is the author of “The Residue Years,” which won the Ernest J. Gaines Prize for Literary Excellence. He is the winner of a Whiting Award, and his honors include fellowships from Ted, the Lannan Foundation and The Rockefeller Foundation. His book, "Survival Math," was released in 2019. Rebecca Skloot is the author of “The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks,” which was made into an Emmy-nominated HBO film starring Oprah Winfrey and Rose Byrne. Her award-winning science writing has appeared in The New York Times Magazine; O, The Oprah Magazine; and many other publications.

52 min
28 SEPT

Redux: Dark Fantasies, Part 2

This episode was originally released on January 20, 2018. “I’m a 24-year-old woman who is completely and embarrassingly aroused by people who are confined to wheelchairs,” writes a woman who calls herself “Wishing to be Seen.” In her pained letter, she explains the possible origins of her isolating fetish and asks the Sugars for a way out: “I just want to have an orgasm with a real human rather than with my sad self, in my sad bed, sadly watching YouTube videos of women I feel I am objectifying and using.” “Wishing to Be Seen” is plagued by a single, shame-inducing fantasy, which Dr. Ian Kerner terms her “core erotic theme.” Where do our core erotic themes come from? And is it possible to escape their grip? In part two of our Dark Fantasies series, Dr. Kerner returns to help the Sugars answer these questions and delve deeper into the world of sexual fantasy. Dr. Kerner specializes in sex therapy and couples therapy. He’s also the New York Times best-selling author of “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.” The Sugars Recommend “The Metal Bowl,” by Miranda July “The Erotic Mind,” by Jack Morin

29 min
31 AGO

Redux: Dark Fantasies, Part 1

This episode was originally released on January 13, 2018. Orgies. Sex in public. Incest. These are the things that some of us think about in the dark. Taboo fantasies can be exciting, but they can also be the source of our deepest shame. In this two-part series on sexual fantasies, the Sugars read letters from people who want to turn off the thoughts that turn them on. Dr. Ian Kerner, a psychotherapist and sexuality counselor, helps the Sugars answer a letter from a woman who calls herself “Fed Up With Fantasy.” She writes, “Ever since I started being a sexual being I’ve had terrible fantasies. Incest of every kind. Teachers having sex with their underage students. Gangbangs in public bathrooms. I cannot get turned on without thinking of these story lines. Did something bad happen to me that I have repressed so much I don’t even have a hint of it?” she asks. “And how do I make it stop?” Dr. Kerner and the Sugars explore where dark fantasies come from and offer “Fed Up With Fantasy” ways she can share them with her boyfriend. Dr. Kerner specializes in sex therapy and couples therapy. He’s also The New York Times best-selling author of “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.”

33 min
3 AGO

Redux: Should I Intervene?

This episode was originally published on August 12th, 2017. When we decide to meddle, it can often backfire. The Sugars, along with the writer Meghan Daum, answer letters from people who see loved ones heading down the wrong path, but worry intervention might be the wrong move.

41 min
13 JUL

Redux: Moving On, Part 2

his episode was originally released on August 25th, 2018. “Dear Sugars, I’m a serial codependent. I’ve married and had children with two addicts,” begins a letter signed by “Mommy Messed Up.” Over the years, her second husband began to withdraw and stash money inside of old bottles. Now Mommy Messed Up is ready to end their toxic relationship. The only problem is she’ll have to disrupt her children’s lives for a second time. “I’m fine with breaking my own heart,” she writes. “But how do I break my boys’ hearts?” In this second part of our series on moving on, the Sugars discuss how we can release ourselves from our past mistakes. Dr. Harriet Lerner drops in to answer a second letter from a woman who is haunted by her abortion, a decision she laments now that she’s experiencing early menopause. Like Mommy Messed Up, she is ruled by her regret. “We have to beware of the stories that we tell about ourselves because we become them,” Dr. Lerner advises. “And a story like the one she’s constructed is so narrow and fixed that it’s going to edge out all other stories about her past and her present and her future possibilities.” Dr. Lerner is a leading voice on the psychology of women and family relationships. She’s the author of 12 books including The New York Times best seller “The Dance of Anger” and most recently, “Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.”https://www.harrietlerner.com/interviews-articles

43 min
29 JUN

Redux: Moving On, Part 1

This episode was originally released on August 18th, 2018. The Sugars have been thinking about what it means to say goodbye and let go. In this first episode of our two-part series on moving on, the Sugars and Claire Bidwell Smith answer two letters from people struggling to move past their grief after the death of their loved ones. The first letter comes from a woman who recently discovered that her best childhood friend died by suicide. In the wake of the news, she spent hours pouring over letters from her friend, and realized that there were signs of trouble early in life. Now she’s haunted by the fact that she failed to intervene years ago. “I keep ruminating on how Alejandra might have killed herself and where she was when she did it,” she writes. “I feel so much guilt from my complacency.” A second letter writer, who calls herself “Wracked by Guilt,” feels similarly about the death of her mother. “How do I get over the sickening feeling that I played a role in my mom’s death?” she asks. “How is it possible for me to stop trying to place blame and simply accept the situation?” Claire Bidwell Smith is a licensed therapist specializing in grief, and the author of several books, including “The Rules of Inheritance.” She writes and speaks about grief regularly, and offers online grief support in addition to her private practice. Her new book, “Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief,” will be released on Sept. 25th.

47 min
15 JUN

Rewind: Pet Dilemmas

This episode was originally published on August 26th, 2017. In this episode, adventures in animal ownership! The Sugars, along with Julie Barton — author of the memoir Dog Medicine: How My Dog Saved Me From Myself — answer letters about pet dilemmas and the ways these creatures affect human relationships.

46 min
25 MAY

Redux: The Great Reckoning

This episode was originally published on July 28th, 2018. This was a live show recorded in Portland, Oregon. Special guests Mitchell S. Jackson and Rebecca Skloot share the stage with the Sugars to tell stories of personal reckoning and answer letters from the audience.

52 min

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Head or Heart

16 ene

Beekeeper from New England

In my experience, when it’s magic, it’s not hard. You want to do the work because you want to make each other happy.
Listener for years

20 oct

Catrina 315

I’ve loved this podcast for years! These two have taught me so much about empathy. I still listen to old episodes from time to time, but I’m still hoping there might be a possibility for a new season.
Amazing!

24 jul

inferno9920

This is such a life changing podcast! Steve and Sheryl speak respond with so much empathy and compassion to every letter they receive. There is no judgement or condemnation to the seemingly bad actors in the letters. I have only been listening for a week but I trust Steve and Sheryl to give thoughtful, compassionate, and helpful advice. Also the music for this podcast is really good!
About to Burst, Sept. 2017

23 abr

Chizzzz6328385857

Very much appreciated the info in part one of your interview with Esther Perel on sexless marriage. But part 2 from the guy’s pov left me wanting more. I, a male in a 23.5 year marriage to a woman, am currently at the edge of my 13th year of celibacy not-of-my choosing and it was hard to escape the sense that the man’s side of the story received short shrift in pt.2. It’s hard to find points of reference/people in a similar situation to me - committed, honest, hardworking and celibate family men who have overcome the unchosen celibacy challenge. Do you know of references or even other of your episodes dealing with this? Yours, Knotted In Fear