Ep 40 - Suffering from anxiety? My toolkit may help you too.
Hello Lovelies, Sorry I have been away last week, I did what I do when I’m overwhelmed, I hide from the world and isolate myself. Not the best tactic I agree, but sometimes it helps me put things into perspective, plus there so much time you can spend feeling sorry for yourself, that after a while it becomes boring, and you have to get up and face the world. Yes I think this period of reflection do have there place in life, it does in mine anyway. The only way is up and your face is in the floor. Like a phoenix rising from the flame. Of course this practice is not recommended, but I have to admit I do this once in a while, I feel sorry for myself, think the whole wide world don’t understand me, that life sucks, and I kinda drink my pain away, till I pass out. As I write this I see this is my old self fighting back to get control again, but since I know better know, I don’t judge myself too much, because in small set back and I learn about myself, It’s not a failure, I’m working at it, I’m working on me, I’m creating a new me since I have been back from cage I built myself in UK. It’s funny to me now when I watch myself saying inside my head, you a failure, you see you may as well give up now. It’s quite laughable to observe. But in order to just observe, I had to work on it, with daily meditation, constant observation of my inner thoughts, and I’m starting to enjoy results. Of course I’m far save and still in the woods as they say, but the path is slowly been carved by my actions. It’s a multitude of factors, of course living in place like Vichy in France does help, where I can enjoy my family much more than from my 20 years in the UK, the weather certainly is great factor, since March this year it has been mainly sunny days and bleu sky. But it has also came from the books and podcasts I listen to daily, all of this ammo for me to use against anything life throws at me, which is always can bring the old me. What I need to embrace more when it comes is sadness or loneliness, and just be at peace with it, those feelings won’t kill me, I just find it is still hard to deal with it, and here my tool is my music, I write songs. Last few weeks I have been writing this song for an old girlfriend of mine, Maria. It’s quite funny since when I was with her (7years) she asked me once to write a song for her, it only took another 6 years to do it. Well anyway, it's for me redemption, I wish her the best of things to come (this last line is actually some of the lyrics). I just felt deeply sad at remind me of her and what I knobhead I was with her, that I start to play my guitar and the song kinda came. I actually share a tears the very first time I played it. Which is a shame, because that moment was beautiful but I the emotion within is gone now, I have played far to many times now and the first take was raw, I reckon this will comes back after a few months, when I have forgotten about it and it surprises me again. I just don’t think I will be intense. Anyway, I am proud of the song very much, and this is therapy for me, letting it out, writing down something that is upsetting me right now, and be at peace with it. And I’m going to sing it for you right now. But first a last word about my anxiety and the episode I had last week. I think it’s ok to have set backs and times, we should not see them as failures, and this is shoud esxuses for us to say, oh well f**k it, I’m just never going to break through, I may as well just go back to what I know, gamble online, go watch online pornography, got eat something to feel good, drink exesiviley, or something else that doesn’t emporing us to take control fo our life but react and act to elliminate a particular feeling of state of mind at a given time. I say this, watch what your brain is feeding you, because most of the time it may not serve you at all, just an old patterns that is been programed so well you don’t even think, y(cont
