EP 47: Over Explaining

In this episode of Relatable, Cayla, Colter, and Lauren dive into the reasons behind over-explaining and its impact on communication in relationships. We explore why the urge to control the narrative can make us add unnecessary details, leading to misunderstandings and, at times, disconnect. Through real-life examples, we discuss how over-explaining often arises from a fear of vulnerability and how it can inadvertently overwhelm our partners, leaving them feeling confused or criticized. Tune in to learn actionable strategies to reduce over-explaining, enhance connection, and foster clearer communication.

Key Discussion Points

Why Does Over Explaining Occur: The fear with not over explaining is that it leaves too much up for interpretation for how the other person is going to feel and people want to control the narrative. There is risk when practicing vulnerable communication. There is real vulnerability, because you don’t know how the other person is going to respond and/or how it is going to land with them. Additionally, We are so scared to ask for a specific need, so the temptation is there to keep adding to mitigate the margin for misinterpretation.

What To Do When Receiving Over Explanation: When your partner (or another person) is over explaining, Try to respond and reflect on what it is like to be the receiver/listener– “I am getting lost. I am having a hard time tracking all of this. I am getting overwhelmed, I don’t know what to grab on to here. Can we slow this down/start over?” We are not trying to criticize the person for using this strategy, but just reflecting on what it is like to be them receiving all of this information. If you notice that this information is overwhelming to you, you can even say, ““Hey, I want to hear this, but I am becoming overwhelmed with how much information I received. Can we talk about this tomorrow once I have processed?”

Strategies to Move Towards if We Use Over Explaining: First, we need to keep in mind that we can not control the outcome of the situation, but what we can control is the way that we present the information to our partner. We can write down bullet points of what we are trying to get across, so we can keep it concise–what specific request am I trying to get at? We can also be mindful of how much we are taking. Not just the number of words, but the speed of these. Are we allowing time to pause to make sure our partner is digesting and understanding it, in addition to allowing them time to talk through it if needed.

In the end, over-explaining often comes from a desire to control how we’re perceived, stemming from the fear of being misunderstood or facing criticism. The need to avoid misinterpretation drives us to keep adding details, but too much explanation can overwhelm our partner and instead of clarifying, it risks confusion and potential disconnection. Through preparing bullet points, monitoring word count and pacing, and paying attention to cues, and pausing to breathe and slowing down, this helps ensure our partner can follow along, creating a safer space for open communication.