Stop Punishing Yourself Ellicia Turner

Self love is confronting.

It holds up a mirror to the prison we tend to put ourselves in.

Self love is not to be confused with arrogance or vanity.

It is neither of those things.

It's safety, respect, and space for our full humanity.

It's accountable and aware.

It's disciplined but gentle and slow.

It's a paradox--an alien in our social norms of self abdication.

Self love is the potent medicine we are seeking in all the wrong places.

It can't be found outside of you.

Listen to learn more.

Go to elliciaturnercoaching.com to book a consult. 

You guys.

It feels like summer started yesterday for me.

My husband and I had a picnic by the lake.

I got to read in the sun, visit a brewery rooftop, play in the sprinkler with my pup.

We had a fire in the backyard in the evening.

I was fascinated by all the bugs and blossoms and sunburns.

It feels like my very first summer after an 800 year winter.

(I know it’s not the first sunny day, but it’s the first sunny day I haven’t had to work or been ravaged by an existential crises)

And yes.

That sounds dramatic.

But I’m just so pleased summer finally arrived for me.

I played all day long.

I didn’t want to schedule my podcast or write this email.

But I did, because the podcast I recorded this week is awesome.

So instead of trying to summarize what I said and read you off the highlights, I’m just going to tell you I’m so happy summer came.

And if you want to listen to this week’s episode, then by all means, check it out.

I hope summer has come for you, too.

I hope this big full moon on the first of August brought you great joy and wonder and spiritual cleansing like it brought me.

I hope you remember today that your existence here is so vitally important to the entire fabric of this universe and you are loved beyond all measure.

Visit my website here. 

Emotional Childhood is just a fancy term for chronic blame.

Emotional Adulthood is a just a fancy term for habituated responsibility.

In emotional childhood we blame all of our problems, emotions, life circumstances, and limits on the external world (including other humans).

In emotional adulthood we take full responsibility for everything in our life—yes—even the things that our toddler brain would consider “not fair.”

We are willing to venture into the discomfort. To face all of our dirty laundry. To own up to the hardest truths we wish we could avoid.

Because we know that having ownership over our life (OUR WHOLE LIFE—not just the “nice” parts) feels so much better than being helpless to it—and we always have the choice.

Emotional adults choose not to give their power away to anyone, they hold it close to their hearts and use it wisely with intention and love.

Emotional children HAVE to give their power away, because they chronically believe they have NO power—even though this isn’t true.

They do this in messy, destructive ways because they are so angry at the world while they feel stuck in a state of blame.

To go from BEING an emotional child to BEING an emotional adult is kinda like going from driving on a freshly paved, asphalt, straight road with no inclines or sharp turns.

TO driving on a dirt road riddled with potholes, mud splashing everywhere, and constant twisty turnys.

It don’t feel great to switch from one to the other.

So why am I suggesting you switch from the smooth to the rougher path today?

Am I just a meany head?

no.

It’s cuz I love you.

That smooth road may appear to be the less problematic and more comfortable to go down, but in order to travel it you have to trade in all of your agency and emotional autonomy.

You pay the ultimate price in order to avoid some temporary discomfort.

When you THINK you’re riding down a smooth, cherry lane…

You are INTERNALLY agitated, frustrated, resentful, angry, confused, stuck, bored, and anxious!

You hurt yourself. You beat yourself up. You metaphorically punch yourself repeatedly in the face.

AND… there’s nothing you can do about changing ANY PART of that experience on the “easy” road.

You have to decide to finally take a sharp left turn and exit off into the wild.

You have to be willing to let the newfound roughness under your tires JAR you a little bit at first.

There is a PRICE to becoming an emotional adult.

And it is temporary discomfort.

But it is SAFE to travel and worth the trip.

Here are all the amazing tradeoffs:

Once you exit emotional childhood, you receive 100% emotional autonomy and agency over your life.

You experience more empowerment, calmness, and certainty—yes— even though the road it rougher.

You feel deeper connections and intimacy in your relationships (especially the one with yourself).

You have less arguments (internal or external), less frustration and stress, less INTERNAL chaos.

Yes, your physical being will experience some rowdy sensations—you will hit some deep metaphorical potholes that may send your brain down into your butt—but you will be free.

Your freedom from chronic blame and stuckness is priceless.

You were designed to navigate the deep wilderness of your heart, my love.

Not to stay in this painful illusion of easy street.

Don’t venture in the wild for the first time without a guide—we are meant to travel together my friend! Reach out to book a free consult call by simply replying to this email to officially get started on the path of emotional adulthood. Go to

Ever notice how respect is oftentimes confused with fear?

We weren’t really taught to respect adults growing up…

We were taught to fear them.

To obey blindly, to conform swiftly, to fall in line or be punished!

Subtly but surely over time, kids learn that giving and receiving respect looks and feels a lot like being afraid.

This creates adults who are partly afraid of their intimate connections with others (vulnerability, openness, safety), but mostly afraid of their connection to themself.

Why?

Because when fear (“respect”) is used for any type of behavior modification when kids are young (so all of us?), that child’s brain is learning to override their innate emotional immune system.

In clinical terms, this is big no, no, bad, bad.

That child is learning to ignore and suppress what’s valid and true for them in order to avoid punishment—by means of survival.

Our emotional needs when we are little humans is no f*****g joke.

And unfortunately, all this incredible information about emotional needs just wasn’t available for us millennials (or any prior generation in the western world for that matter).

Not only do we have to turn our own emotional immune systems BACK ON and get them functioning again, some of us are already parents and have to make sure our children’s never turn OFF.

(there are literal studies about how crucial this is, look some up!)

We must first exchange our confusing, backwards and upside down understanding of fearful respect and REPLACE it with true respect.

True respect looks, feels, and sounds different.

It creates vastly different results.

It fosters connectivity, communication, and calmness.

Learn more about how common it is to confuse respect with fear on today’s newest Stop Punishing Yourself podcast episode.

I definitely get heated up and have my brain firing on all cylinders in this one.

Teaching and embodying conscious parenting is one of my highest priorities in my work—even if the only person I am currently parenting is MYSELF. (and my dog of course.)

Ok love you have a great day or else.

Go to elliciaturnercoaching.com to book a free consult with me. 

Here’s a wild concept I want you to consider.

The universe, God, whatever life force you believe to be in charge of things.. is not out here dividing and distributing some portions to the deserving folk, while withholding other portions from the undeserving folk.

Portions could mean anything. Portions of money, portions of joy, portions of success, appreciation, love—you name it.

That’s not how this loving, natural, magical world works, ya’ll.

That may be how you were unconsciously TAUGHT to think life works, but IT’S NOT.

(that IS how supremacy ideals work doh) (and they are working-working cuz they ARE the foundation of our western society) (and that alone is enough to make my tender heart ache)

If you wake up feeling stressed, frustrated, behind, worthless, resentful but then at the end of the day you aren’t doing ANYTHING tangible to help yourself feel more calm, present, worthy, and empowered— then YOU’RE PROBABLY A REDNECK.

Just kidding.

What I meant to say is you’re probably a victim to this “deserving mentality.”

I, too, am a victim of this category.

(And I can promise you, it shows up AND JUMPS RIGHT OUT AT YOU the minute you try to make transformative changes in your life.)

You see, this deserving mentality is only sometimes conscious.

And that’s usually when we think we DON’T deserve something GOOD.

”I can’t just quit my job and follow my real passions, that’s insane.”

”I don’t have time to take a walk outside everyday and meditate.”

”I wish I could travel there/buy that/receive this amazing/transformative thing my whole ass soul really wants, but I can’t afford it right now.”

You want the magic truth telling translation of all that BOOHOCKEY?

Here it is.

”I DON’T THINK I DESERVE THAT.”

What the fuck does that even mean?????S?SFDSDCLAKSD

Says who?!

(cough, patriarchy, capitalism, puritanism, toxic supremacy culture, sneeze, sniffle, snort)

We are so absorbed with this idea of needing to “deserve” something before we can have it or become it.

We haven’t even stopped to question the origins or legitimacy of this concept.

”YOU’RE A BASTARD, I SAY!”— me talking to this concept.

What’s even worse is, the majority of this mentality is unconscious and actually more focused on how you DO deserve the BAD things that happen to you.

It’s never been a matter of what you deserve.

Hog wash.

It’s always been a matter of what you’re willing to commit to.

You have to learn to replace all your old ideas of deservingness with NEW ideas of powerful, personal commitment.

Commitment that inspires rapid internal & external transformation.

And guess what’s required in order to actually have the skill of following through on commitment?

YOU GUESSED IT BISH!

Unshaming yourself and creating a solid, self-loving relationship to you.

(warning: this takes time)
(not an overnight make over like the tvs do)
(I can teach you how to create that in 24 weeks of awesome sauce work together)

Listen to today’s FULL episode of Stop Punishing Yourself below to learn more about the art of COMMITTING, in this land full of psychotic notions of deservingness.

I LOVE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY OR ELSE.

Ellicia

Go to elliciaturnercoaching.com to book a free consult. 

I could have been the poster child for neurodivergence if it was researched as equally in girls as it was in boys back in the 90s.

Alas, it was missed, I was masked, and I wouldn’t fully discover the nooks and crannies of my brain’s MO until 30 years old.

The statistics on neurodivergence diagnosis TODAY (1 in 36 people) versus 10, 20 years ago (1 in 150 people) is staggering.

And those numbers are probably even MORE extreme for diagnoses in girls and adult women.

Are there more neurodivergent people now than there were 20 years ago?

No, probably not.

Research has simply developed and expanded to include far more diagnostic criteria in both men AND FINALLY…

women, too.

Picture this.

Little Ellicia at the grocery store with her mother.

Mother runs into a neighbor friend and starts chatting.

Ellicia goes from somewhat activated to full send terror in her nervous system (stranger fuckin danger, bro).

She hides behind her mom, goes silent (non verbal as the docs say), avoids eye contact with tall human, and feels wildly uncertain and unsafe.

Mother, not fully grasping the experience Ellicia is having says, “ELLICIA!! SAY HI. DON’T BE RUDE!!!”

Turns to neighbor friend and APOLOGIZES for disrespect from her child.

That is case study 1.

Now. Picture THIS.

Little Ellicia. In elementary school. Ultimate FREEZE nervous system response. (For entire scholastic, career).

Not absorbing information, not chillin out maxin, relaxin all cool.

NO!!!

Terrified.

First day of kindergarten.

She doesn’t know how to “make friends” or “socialize” (she knows how to escape into her mind palace and mind her own fucking peaceful business).

Recess.

The most terrifying part of the day.

It’s not structured.

It’s not teacher led.

You just….do whatever you want surrounded by SEVERAL humans.

Little Ellicia spends her recess walking the perimeter of the playground alone. Putting one foot in front of the other. Passing the time in sheer terror.

This my friends, is neurodivergence in a little girl.

Since girls have such a different social conditioning than boys, these atypical traits just show up and SCREAM at you.

They are subtle. They are internalized. And then, because girls are taught to conform, be quiet and obedient, we also become masters at masking.

Masking is essentially observing carefully what is expected of us and then “role playing” what we are “supposed to say and do.”

Down to, when we smile, how we respond, what we do with our body language, what we wear, the tone of our voice.

Not only do we need the language and help supporting our unique, diverse brain/body systems, WE ALSO need to decondition and unlearn all the ways we have been taught to PERFORM and REPRESS our truest selves.

On today’s podcast episode I talk about how likely it is that more people are neurodivergent than we realize.

I share how my self diagnosis of neurodivergence came about AND how self diagnosis IS a valid method if you trust your research abilities, sources, and can simply use discernment in your lived experience compared with the available data that’s out there.

It’s been liberating and has also ignited a deep grieving process. No cap.

Ok. I love you. Give it a listen. Tell me YOUR thoughts and if you suspect you might be neurodiverse as well.

I can send you some resources on where to start.

Go to elliciaturnercoaching.com to book a consult.