FA 107 Friendship

Feral Attraction
Episode 107 - Friendship 9/14/18

Intro

On this week’s show we open with a discussion of the history of happiness, and why happiness may be elusive. Soatok Dhole joins us to discuss our main topic, friendship — what is a good friendship, when is the right time to distance yourself from a friend, and how do you revive a fading friendship worth saving? We close with a question about how to handle developing feelings for a straight roommate.

Introduction topic

A history of happiness explains why capitalism makes us feel empty inside

Sean Illing - Vox

https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2018/9/4/17759590/happiness-fantasy-capitalism-culture-carl-cederstrom

Topic

What is friendship?

“Essential and fundamental to friendship is that it is a natural, spontaneous, freely given and entered into relationship promised as much on subliminal cues that prompt liking as on anything that the parties could specify as a reason for engaging in it” – philosopher AC Grayling

Friend vs. friendly acquaintance

Common to both:

People who make you a better person

People who you enjoy spending time with

People who you have a history of shared experience with

People who share your values, your hobbies, your interests, and/or your kinks

Unique to friends:

People you can trust

People you can confide in

People you can be yourself around

Loyalty

Problems arise when you expect loyalty from someone you considered a friend, but who views you as a friendly acquaintance

What is a bad friendship?

“Our friends aren’t toxic — they’re just human”

Ephrat Livni - Quartz

https://qz.com/1352437/our-friends-arent-toxic-theyre-just-human/

Many people argue a “bad friend” is one who consistently brings you down or holds you back

“The current cultural discourse suggests that friends are people who we use to improve ourselves, and get rid of when the going gets tough or if we’re not having enough fun. … It’s friendship as a capitalistic exchange, instead of relationships involving people who care about each other, hanging out, and helping each other through life’s ups and downs.”

This philosophy leads many people to treat their friends as disposable, and to abandon them when they need support and are not contributing to the friendship — right when they need a friend the most

It is important to remember the golden rule in friendship, and to treat others as we’d like to be treated

You wouldn’t want to be abandoned during a time of hardship when you couldn’t be there for your friends as much as you’d like to be

Abandoning a friend at the first sign of conflict or distress in the relationship will leave you with very few friends

It is often worth it to attempt to reconcile or ignore certain conflicts for the sake of maintaining an otherwise valuable friendship

Friends who consistently do not support you, who do not share your values, and who have a history of being unreliable may be less worthy of continued or increased investment of time and other resources

In some circumstances, it can be worthwhile to invest in old friendships even when values and goals have drifted apart, for the sake of having someone who can “ground you” in your own history

It is difficult for new friends to offer the same level of insight that old friends can provide to you

If you have many old friends, and a particular friendship is no longer offering benefit to either of you, it is okay to let a friendship turn back into a friendly acquaintanceship