Last week I was watching Severance and — this is not a spoiler — the episode centered around the backstory of “Ms. Casey,” played by Dichen Lachman. I found myself immersed, totally taken with her performance, the way I usually enjoy this show. It’s one of my favorites. Afterwards, I had a moment and realized, “Wow. I’m not the least bit jealous of the actress who played her.” And that felt AMAZING. How did I get here? I read for the role of “Ms. Casey” in 2020, back when it was titled Tumwater. This was one of the last times I went in-person for an audition — it was actually Valentine’s Day, so pre-pandemic. I did not come anywhere close to landing the part; I didn’t get a callback and I remember the casting director trying to work with me several times in the room to find the correct “tone.” Having seen the show, I now see I was pretty tone deaf and nowhere near it. Maybe that’s why watching it didn’t bother me, because it was never even close to being mine. There are parts in other projects that I have come close to, that I haven’t seen or that I avoid talking about, because it still feels painful. Parts that were juicy, parts that would’ve changed my bank account, parts that would’ve changed the trajectory of my life and my career. Maybe. I’ve been getting paid to act since I was 5-years-old. I got my SAG/AFTRA card when I was 9, in 1985. I consider myself a professional actor, even though there are many years that go by unemployed and uninsured. When I first got out of college and no longer had my parents to staple my headshot to my resume or drive me to auditions in the city, I began logging all my auditions: casting directors, what I wore, how I felt, what my average booking/callback rate was. I stopped doing that in my 30’s, when I realized it was leading to an unhealthy obsession over my career that spilled into other areas — like controlling what I ate or not going on vacations “just in case I have to work” or spending most of those vacations memorizing. I’m still guilty of the latter. At the end of 2019 I was starring in two feature films with back to back shoots. So I had a lot of lines to learn, but I managed to find more balance. I consciously dedicated an hour in the morning, another after lunch, and another before bed so that I could still enjoy a Thanksgiving Paris. Like I learned with vacations, and food, how I talk to myself about my weight and how I look — I have had to carve out a healthier way to look at rejection and jealousy. I’m writing this not as a “How to deal with rejection and jealousy” but more of a reflection on why I think I’m able to cope with it better at certain times than others. I mean, I don’t think I have this figured out but I’m still pretty in awe that I’ve gotten to this point. In the past, if I was also working, it was much easier to let the pain roll off my back if I was booked/busy. And yes, I think the decades of rejection and comparison have helped me develop a more calloused/thicker skin, but I also believe this comes from monitoring what I allow into my life, in the form of negativity. This comes not only from others in the entertainment industry, but also the everyday language I choose to listen to. The things I read. The podcasts I play. The casual gossip I hear, even among friends. Not too long ago, I met one of my childhood heroes growing up. She shook my hand and asked how she might know my work. I told her probably from Saving Face, because that is the film I’m best known for. She immediately nodded — “That’s why I don’t know your face, I never watched that movie! Because they didn’t cast me in it!” It was a strange moment. For me, at least. Because I related to her, and it wasn’t a side of her I wanted to relate to. I wanted to just fan girl or bond over being Asian actresses. I mean, she was a huge reason I knew I could even be in the movies. She was a trailblazer! But instead, I saw in her the part of me I tried to stuff down, avoid, and hide — the part of rejection and comparison that is so painful it can leave you feeling wounded, even decades later. And yet, she was so cool and casual about it. Enthusiastic, even! Lately, I’ve been embracing a lot of my imperfections. Mostly because I have no choice with perimenopause, where each and every hour presents me with a new set of weird physical and emotional symptoms. It’s getting more and more challenging to be my own cheerleader. So instead of the constant reframing into positivity that has been harder to access, I’ve been re-examining my flaws. Giving them space and time to heal. Realizing many of them will be scarred and not as painful to touch. But the risk of re-infection is there. And so, I’ve still gotta protect my heart and work on that balance. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit genxtaste.substack.com/subscribe
