If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes
  • 4.9 (76)
  • IMPROV
  • UPDATED WEEKLY
If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

  1. 1 DAY AGO

    Brazilian Butt Life

    Will Halloween in the rearview and Election Day upon us, Niki, LB and John try to iron out the few remaining wrinkles in American politics by addressing such hot-button issues as elf feet, Turkish hair transplant surgery, World Series Champions "The Dodgers," the power of prayer, a legendary and dead Australian horse, asses, and even a brand-new game from Niki and LB, along with a whole lot more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/). Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    1h 12m

  2. OCT 28

    Four Swipes to Get to House

    Niki, LB and John skillfully walk through a docket of challenging and pertinent issues facing today's Sleepy Americans, such as the form and function of a joke, firefighters who also have to fight lions, whether basketball has a home on this podcast, a quick sidebar, an approximation of the plot of 1982's The Thing, a fun theme restaurant Niki went to, filming on silver nitrate, and as you've come to expect, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/). Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    57 min

  3. OCT 21

    Pat's Gone

    With LB once again helping the stranded astronauts aboard the International Space Station, local hero merritt k steps in to help Niki and John navigate this week's most challenging conversation topics, including Niki's ruined floors, ants, the weird guy movies of the early 2000s, getting all of your "yellow juice" extracted, penis rejuvenation therapy, a game that you can wishlist on Steam right now, the latest Wheel of Fortune conspiracy theories, and thankfully, so much more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/). Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    1h 15m

  4. OCT 14

    So It’s a Lot Like Scrubs?

    John, Niki and LB ask some important questions about blood and the people who take it from us, before moving on to some more relatable, everyday topics such as the funny underwear that Borat wears, roller coaster safety ratings, being "famous contemporarily with a horse, when a dog ate a human heart on that one TV show, the potential dangers of hiring the nation's favorite buddies for commercial advertisements, and if you're still with us, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/). Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    1h 9m

  5. OCT 7

    JOMO

    Niki, LB and John put down their PSLs long enough to recording a brand-new episode of your favorite podcast, discussing such seasonally appropriate topics as which 90s sitcoms are the most Jewish, tips for dealing with "truculent teens," John's dishwasher installation story, "childhood trauma objects," if hats need instructions, witnessing crimes while traveling, and folks? You bet your sweet ass there's more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/). Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    1h 10m

  6. SEP 30

    Harry's Law

    Hey folks it's Jordan, the producer! Normally I sit in on these recordings so I can give y'all a synopsis in the eppy description here, but this time I didn't do that! Because of all the ants in my apartment! So we're gonna listen to this episode together, okay? It'll be a fun bonding experience for us. I hope you're excited about getting bonded!!!!! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/). Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    1h 16m

  7. SEP 23

    Neo Hamburger

    Damn girl, 100 episodes? Believe it. To celebrate, Niki, John and LB look to the future of our program by discussing a number of topics, including the potential affects of attending NYU on Baron Trump, LB's bad experience with loophole weed, if Mario from video games had a diaper, the age at which you "forget all your stuff," Niki's attempts at emailing a mall for information about a closed fast food franchise, and dude, somehow so much more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/). Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    1h 27m

  8. SEP 16

    The Magnificent Albertsons

    John, LB and Niki prepare for their upcoming 100th episode by first questioning the validity of their 99th episode, then pivoting to a number of topics not entirely unfamiliar to the program, including prison tattoo technology, loose orbs for your desk, salty licorice, the food fads of yore, making viral videos "dog friendly," step-by-step instructions for committing felony bank fraud, and if you're still hungry, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/). Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    1h 8m
See All (108)

Trailer

4.9
out of 5
76 Ratings

About

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Information

  • Creator
    If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes
  • Years Active
    2022 - 2024
  • Episodes
    108
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes 2022
  • Show Website
    If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

To listen to explicit episodes, sign in.

Stay up to date with this show

Sign in or sign up to follow shows, save episodes, and get the latest updates.
Select a country or region

Africa, Middle East, and India

Asia Pacific

Europe

Latin America and the Caribbean

The United States and Canada