Love Languages with Bridget Boursiquot, MSW, LICSW

Bridget discusses love languages and how we can all have relational care through understanding the basic work needed to create a healthy foundation.

We often speak to our partner in the love language we want to receive instead of understanding how they receive love.

5 Love Languages (Developed by Gary Chapman)

1. Words of Affirmation
   1. It’s about the “why”. Speaking to your partner’s strengths, their experience, their needs, is even more affirming than just a simple “thank you” or a compliment.
   2. Actions to avoid: Insults and criticism. To someone who feels love in words of affirmation, insults and criticism can hurt on an even deeper level.
2. Acts of Service
   1. Take something off your partner’s master to-do list. Focus on ways you can help them make the most of their time.
   2. Actions to avoid: Making more work for your partner. If you offer to help with something, but then create more of a mess or a more stressful situation for your partner to deal with later, this can be more hurtful.
3. Gifts
   1. It’s more about the meaning behind the gift. This isn’t a superficial or materialistic love language. It’s about the thought behind the gift that can make your partner feel loved.
   2. Actions to avoid: Thoughtless gifts, and the missing of birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates.
4. Quality Time
   1. Undivided attention: it’s about putting distractions away and doing a shared activity. Focus on active listening and connection. It doesn’t even have to be a date night out. Find time at home to show up for each other and spend time together.
   2. Actions to avoid: Being on your phone or other distractions when it is set aside quality time. If you need to be engaged in other things, communicate this and be sure to still have focused quality time.
5. Physical Touch
   1. Physical touch can be reassuring, secure. You can find small ways to connect with small, meaningful touches. It can also be an emotional lifeline in your relationship. It is not just about sex. It can start with holding hands, welcoming each other at the door, hugs.
   2. Actions to avoid: Getting into a tit-for-tat mentality and withholding affection or love until your needs are met. Instead, just focus on the small, meaningful moments to begin rebuilding connection.

Applying love languages and building connection in your relationship

• We don’t all fit squarely into one love language. We change over time. Sometimes our love language is strongest where our need is most.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Each of you can explore what makes you feel loved, and share that with each other.
• Find bids for connection, a way to give attention to each other. Find opportunities to turn in to each other.
• Trust is important in building foundational work. Trust can be broken in big ways, like infidelity. It can also be broken in smaller ways, like asking for your needs and your partner not showing up in that way. When this happens, trust erodes and resentment builds.
• Tune into what your partner needs. Pick up on cues and choose to engage and connect when they need you.

Gottman’s 4 Horsemen- Predictors of Divorce

1. Criticism: Feels like a pointed finger, attacking.
   1. Antidote: Use a gentle start-up. “I feel…”
2. Contempt: Takes criticism to a deeper level, attacks values and character of your partner.
   1. Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation with speaking to each other’s love languages.
3. Defensiveness: Choosing not to take accountability or ownership for your role, “It’s not my fault.”
   1. Antidote: Take responsibility for your part in a situation. “I’m sorry for my part in how you feel.”
4. Stonewa