Dating and the Coronavirus
The Coronavirus and Dating: How to Love When You’re in a State of Fear? As a psychologist and dating coach, I’m thinking about how this coronavirus scare is currently affecting dating and how that might evolve. The question on many singles' minds are: Will this coronavirus scare get worse, or perhaps, will it soon be contained, improve and will a vaccine be created? Dating is already often a process fraught with anxiety about the unknown. It can be challenging not to know if you’ll like this stranger or if they’ll like you if you will hear from your dates again, if they have STDs or if you’ll feel physically and emotionally safe with them. As a dating coach, it can be part of your job to encourage people to put themselves out there, physically and emotionally. Now, psychologically you are adding an additional layer of fear for some singles, because they’re worrying about whether dating may expose them to the Coronavirus. As a single they have no context for their date, for their date’s travels or health, and Coronavirus carriers can be asymptomatic. Conversely, these aforementioned fears of dating are often on par with the opposite fear that some singles have about not meeting someone and being alone during this pandemic. My intention for this article is to spread love and healing, not fear. Sometimes making our fears conscious can help us to better normalize and metabolize them and make us feel less alone. Of course, there are also many singles that are still dating and living their lives normally. They have not let fear change their inner or outer view of dating. Some report taking a Zen approach, remarking that we will all probably get the Coronavirus but that hopefully, it won’t be that bad or deadly. Some people are even using humor to lighten this weighty topic and are putting Coronavirus pickup lines on their dating profiles. So, the fears and reactions from singles are mixed. One recent survey said that 33 percent of singles are worried about dating now. On the flip side, one dating app survey reported that dating app signups are up 29 percent. Some singles are aiming to have a ‘virtual relationship,’ which could be seen as a psychic and physical compromise so that they don’t feel alone but also aren’t physically exposed. Fears can make people contract, take fewer risks and can negatively impact their decision-making. Also, fear can breed more fear through a process called Potentiation, where once you are primed for fear than even benign events can seem scary. People can to go into Freeze, Fight or Flight response when afraid. Freezing means they would just stop dating and then decide what to do next. If you have a Fight response, you’d decide how to directly deal with the threat. If you tend to Flee or use Flight, you would avoid and work around this threat, like maybe just talking to people online and not in person, or avoiding dating for a while. During this unknown time of the coronavirus, some singles are experiencing a drive to isolate and an opposing one to powerfully connect and bond. It may help to make these fears conscious on both sides of the equation: Some Increased Fears that Singles are having re Dating: Fear of Physical Intimacy- The media has advised, ‘social distance’ and have said that this coronavirus can be passed through a distance of 6 feet, through a cough or bodily fluid. Where does this leave the dating ritual of, ‘the goodnight kiss?’ It gives a whole new meaning to contraceptives and people have been posting funny pictures of all the outfit getups that people are already wearing about town to protect themselves. ‘So, how does one look their best, flirt and romantically connect during a date while maintaining safety and social connection?’ Fear of Emotional Intimacy- Some singles fear to connect and get close to someone new when they imagine that person could get sick and die soon. Also, they report being wary of adding the stress of rejection to their plate when they are already feeling anxious. They say they’d feel better dating at a time when they are feeling happier and more confident. Fear of Public Spaces- Since the media has advised, ‘social distance,’ many singles fear going to group events for singles or otherwise. This could include concerts, singles events, and crowded bars. This makes it harder to put yourself out there to find love. Fear of the Unknown & Getting Sick- Since there is no solution to getting this virus- no vaccine or antidote yet- some singles are saying that prevention is key. They fear and want to avoid getting sick and fear a lack of control. So, they focus on having a degree of social isolation because it’s what they feel they can do right now. Fear that You’ll Be a Debby Downer- Singles report that it’s hard to date and to be sexy and positive when the Coronavirus is the ‘White Elephant’ in the room. Fear can exacerbate existing anxiety and depression and it can feel unattractive to date while not feeling your best. Some Singles are Having an Increased Desire to Connect & Find Love: To Extend Cuffing Season & Quarantine with a Partner Indefinitely- ‘Cuffing season,’ is a phenomenon where for a period of time in winter singles pair off so that they have someone to stay home and snuggle with. Now as people may be quarantined, some singles are reporting an increased desire to have that ‘someone special,’ to keep them company at home. To Have that Secure Base- The attachment literature shows that in times of fear, people look to attach and to have that secure base of comfort. Having that secure base helps people reengage with the world in brave ways. So, it makes sense that in times of fear like with this virus that the desire to have that primary love bond would increase. The Desire To Be Part of a Team- Dealing with the unknown and changes can feel confusing. The media has reported new cases, quarantines, hospitalizations, some travel bans, some changes in people working from home, some lay-offs, stock market losses, and many canceled events thus far. Some people have chosen to follow suggestions to get a month’s worth of food and hand sanitizer, just in case they are quarantined. Some singles are expressing a desire to have a partner to cope with all these changes and to help them put appropriate plans in place. To Refocus on What Matters Most- Sometimes when big scary events strike, it makes people stop and refocus on their heart’s desire and on what matters most to them. Maybe they’ve reflexively been focused on work or other pressing matters but they really wanted a life partner and have not focused on it. Sometimes a scary situation makes them realign their priorities and focus on what matters most to them, like finding love. Physical Closeness & Cuddling Can Calm Fears- Research shows that cuddling can improve sleep, increase oxytocin (the bonding hormone), ease pain, reduce anxiety, boost your immune system, and elevate your mood and more. So, while dating felt confusing enough, you can see why some singles may feel torn about the best ways to proceed with dating now and in the near future. Since I’m a big proponent of love, I hope that people will continue to meet and create happy, lasting relationships. Whether there will be longer virtual relationships, a decline in sex or physical intimacy while dating and more daters taking a hiatus from singles events and dating in general, time will tell. To learn more from Dr. Sherman and to find out about dating and Relationship coaching, go to www.DrPauletteSherman.com
