So hair is sprouting in unspeakable places and you can no longer carry a tune, but if you’re a surrealistic artiste with an addiction to Freudian mythology and guilt-free sex, turning into a monkey has its upsides.
Nick Motbot may be evolving as a novelist, but his friends aren’t too sure about his DNA — at least, not since Gargantuan Enterprises started experimenting with it. And once they figure out what’s happening to him, they decide to set things right. MARVELLOUS HAIRY is a satirical novel about a group of friends sticking it to the man the only way they know how, with equal parts grain alcohol and applied Chaos Theory.
Part literary fun-ride, part fabulist satire, and part slapstick comedy, MARVELLOUS HAIRY is about the power of friendship and love, the evils of power, and the dangers of letting corrupt CEOs run our world.
And most importantly, it’s about how we have to release our fun-loving inner monkeys.
Episode Fifteen — Part V (Chapters three to seven) -- Final Episode!After they move Shute, Helena and Max have an ethical discussion
about kidnapping, medical malpractice, and branding. The media
conference is more like a circus, as the media isn’t exactly on its
best behavior. And then Rob gets to watch while the Ghosts have their
revenge. In the end, they all live, happily, and ever after. Though
Nick still has something to say through his lovely Titania3000.
An excerpt from Dr. Tundra and Helena’s discussion of branding:
“Seriously. You like scotch, right? So say you buy a
cer-tain brand and we know that there’s this other brand that is just
as good, but less expensive. We can help you find that other brand,”
“Hmm. Single malt kind of defies the brand concept, I think,” Max replied.
“No, not at all. In fact, single malt is a great example of the
power of the brand. We all know that Glenfiddich is a good scotch, but
there are lots of other single malts that are better. But everyone
knows Glenfiddich — even people who don’t like single malt scotch —
because of the strength of its brand. It’s not just the actual product,
it’s about the feelings you have for the product. And that’s because
they were branding their scotch before people even knew what branding
“So what is Gargantuan’s brand?”
“That’s the problem I have with Shute.”
“That’s your problem? Not the fact that he’s just messed with Nick’s
DNA?” Max said. He looked at Shute contemptuously, and for a moment
Helena thought he might kick the partially conscious man.
“Well, that too, but he’s not building the Gargantuan brand.”
“You’ve helped kidnap him because of branding?”
“Oh, no, I have other reasons too, but that is my corporate reason for doing so.”
Episode Fourteen — Part V (Chapters one and two):Spider and Seedy finally come to the Kunfu-riffic conclusion to
their kidnapping caper, learning all about Japanese sword-making,
physics and why acrylic ski masks suck. In chapter two, the gang
finally puts their plan into action, and they capture the King of the
Gag, learning that he has some seriously lizardfish proclivities. And
that two women kissing is not as hot as it first sounds.
An excerpt from the kidnapping, as Shute arrives at Helena’s apartment:
"The idea was that Max and I were going to get into
Helena’s closet and wait for their signal. They hoped to get Shute to
agree to being tied up, as part of their little three-some. If that
went off without a hitch, then it should make things considerably
We all had another drink together, to kill the last twenty minutes
before Shute was due to arrive. No doubt he would be fashionably late.
By one pm, we were all keyed up. I don’t mind telling you there was an
awkward psycho-sexual energy in the room, not at all dampened by
another round of scotch. Honza Chodets was tasting better and better.
I was so wound up, I almost dropped my scotch, when at five-to-one,
there was a knock at the door. Helena grabbed our drinks, poured them
into the sink, and shooed us into her bedroom, where Max and I got into
the walk-in closet. Ariadne waited in the bedroom, looking at me
through the slats in Helena’s closet doors.
Helena let Shute in and his eyebrows actually arched when he saw
what she was wearing. “Where’s Thipirous?” he asked. “I hope she’s not
dressed as provocatively as you Borovich, or my heart might not be able
to take it.”"
Episode Thirteen — Part IV (Chapters eight to twelve): Hippolyta
comes up with a way for her kidnappers to get her father’s codes, while
giving her some hope of surviving the whole caper. Rob, Ariadne,
Helena, Erma and Max cook up a plan to get Shute, and let the whole
world know about what Gargantuan has done to Nick. Shute gets some
great news about his ménage, and Rob discovers that he can learn about
things in a new way.
"As we were going over the notes again, a picture emerged
of where Hippolyta was — not from good detective work, though the
skeptics amongst you will say that’s what it was. I just saw it. I
thought I could smell the Shade of Antonia’s perfume as an image of an
old husk of an apartment building filled my mind.
I described it to everyone, almost like I was reading the
description from a kidnapper’s guide book: “The Skanky Apartments, down
in the un-gentrified part of the docklands are a perfect setting for
any kind of shady endeavour, but if you plan to kidnap and freakishly
dismember an heiress, you couldn’t ask for a nicer location. There’s no
people around, there’s lots of ambiance, and the rooms are decorated in
the original retro style. Just add fungus and decay and you have
Everyone looked at me the way they did when the first saw Nick, post monkeyfication."
Episode Twelve — Part IV (Chapters five to seven): Rob explains how
he escapes Gargantuan Enterprises with the incriminating data, and
meets up with Ariadne. They have the talk. Meanwhile, Erma decides to
rescue the now-apish Nick from the now-nymphish Helena. And in chapter
seven, we learn what Gag knows about the security breach, and that the
Ghost of Johnny can speak a little Latin.
An excerpt of Rob waiting at a Starbucks for his new love:
“I’ll wait for you at the Den of Ubiquity,” I whispered, “next door.”
I liked the chain’s coffee, though I’m not a connoisseur. I’m not
sure you need four or five of them within a one-block radius, no matter
how addicted to their brand of caffeine you might be. Perhaps it is the
marvellous decor that people can’t get enough of — too bad you can only
sit in one at a time, though I suppose if they put webcams in each
store you could “enjoy” them all at once.
The barista was fetching, there was no doubt, even if I was already
smitten with Ariadne. Now, you must remember, I had not been in a
“relationship” for some time, and I was yet to get into that mindset. I
noticed her making the coffee right away. Perhaps it was her
overwhelming competence — she only had to hear a customer ask for a
double-milk-latte-half-caf-mocha-frappa-dappa-doolay once, and she had
the order — but I think it was her distracted, yet annoyed smile that
did it for me. It could have been her voluptuous figure, of which I
could only see the top half. Perhaps it was the man-juice flowing in my
veins. So, I had no reservations about sitting there, sipping my Kenyan
High-land Roast Orgasm, or whatever it was called, while Ariadne
finished her shift.
She arrived in time to rescue our budding romance from my fickle
male nature. When she walked in, looking as dignified as any upright
hominid can in a polyester uniform adorned with the Consume-It! logo; I
forgot all about the angry barista."
Episode Eleven — Part Four (Chapters three and four): Helena and Rob
plot the down-throw of the King of the Gag, deciding to move on both
the Oberon project, and on whatever Gargantuan was doing to Nick. They
realize too late that Nick is already getting his third treatment,
which is creating the final changes to his DNA. Helena meets him for
one more coffee break in the lobby, while Rob gets to work on his
sabotage. Meanwhile, Spider and Seedy try to figure out, with their
kidnapping victim’s help, how to get something out of Shute.
Excerpt from chapter three, while Helena and Rob plot their coup:
I laughed again. It was easy to forget that Hot Helena
was also really funny. She could definitely do much better than Shute,
but she hadn’t been trying. From what I could tell, Helena had spent
the last ten years working really hard.
“So, I have a couple of things to ask,” I said.
“Why don’t you let me start? I’ve learned a little bit about what Nick’s doing here.”
“Yes,” she said. “I’m supposed to have dinner with the guy who’s
running the program Nick is in tonight, so I’ll have details, but he’s
altering DNA. They’ve already done it to other animals.”
“You mean, like, in vitro animals. Cloning?”
“No. Live animals. The Letch seemed proud of that. They’re changing
the DNA of live animals. They’ve already done their work with lower
animals, and they’re starting on humans.”
“I think that’s what’s happening to Nick,” Helena said.
“What are they doing?”
“That I don’t know. F*****g with his DNA. The Letch said something
about wanting to upgrade chimps, so from that, my guess is that they’re
regressing their human subjects.”
“Did you ever watch Star Trek?”
“Remember the one where Riker turns into a caveman and Worf starts spraying poison all over the crew as they also deevolve?”
“Oh Helena. The Next Generation?”
“Yeah,” she said. “What? The middle seasons were good!”
“A hottie who watches Star Trek. Even The Next Generation. How did I not date you?”
“You never asked, bonehead. And that ship has sailed, so don’t get any ideas.”
Part Four (Chapters one and two): Determined to save Ariadne and
Nick, Rob goes to Gargantuan the next day, but he is unable to get
past the (potty-mouthed) guard at the elevator. Meanwhile, Shute
springs a hell of a question on Helena, but allows her to talk to Larry
the Letch, who is the lead researcher turning Nick into a monkey.
An excerpt from chapter one, as Rob tries to visit Helena, and is prevented by the security guard:
“That’s not a valid ID, sir,” he said. His voice had a little more of
an edge to it now, as though he was saying to me, “I may be a security
guard, but I’m not an idiot.” I didn’t think he was an idiot. Really. I
would never assume that about someone just because of their job. “What
is your business on the upper floors, sir.”
He kept saying “sir” like it was some kind of insult, I mean, I’m
sure he was saying “sir” but the subtext was all different. Actually,
what I heard was different. So while he said, “What is your business on
the upper floors, sir,” what I heard was, “What is your business on the
upper floors, you lying sack of shit.”
It kind of threw me.
A lot of fun
Mark works his dry Canadian sense of humor into this quirky tale. It has been about a year since I listened to it and I still think about THE CLAW sometimes.