My Addict Partner Only Engages in “Shallow Conversation.” Is there any Hope He will ever treat me like a True Friend and Partner?

In Episode 249, Mark & Steve respond in detail to a situation and quesiton submitted by the betrayed spouse of porn/sex addict. Here are her words—

My husband is very closed off with me. He doesn't tell me important things about his life, family, or what really happens in his 12-Step recovery meetings. It's like I have to know the answer and ask specific questions to get him to talk to me with any sort of detail. I know he used to do this to hide his pornography use and affairs. But even simple things, like going to a restaurant he kept hidden. Is this just a part of his personality? He's sober from porn now, but he still doesn't talk to me. It's like I only exist to him when he is at home. He was recently in a car accident and didn't tell me until he came home from the hospital. Is there any hope he will treat me like a true friend and partner, or has compartmentalization become so ingrained in him, this is just how it is?

The song “Say Something” by “A Great Big World”—Say something, I'm giving up on you; I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you; Anywhere I would've followed you; Say something, I'm giving up on you.

• Why can addicts be “closed off” to their partners?
  • It can be “personality/style” from childhood
  • It can be “learned” due to environment, trauma, etc. 
  • It can be a BIG part of the addiction cycle/system; shame cycle; fear cycle; etc. 
  • These are possible explanations, NOT se
• How does this impact betrayed partners?
  • While partners suffer horrible fallout from betrayal trauma, PTSD, etc., nearly all DO desperately want to connect & collaborate
  • Silence, surface/shallow conversation, “compartmentalization” (as she calls it), hiding, lying, gaslighting, etc., “pile on” and create “Complex Trauma”
• What is the Addict Partner’s Response-ability in this situation?
  • Pride, ego, shame, fear, discomfort, life-long habits, lack of skills, etc. will too easily keep the addict from making the REAL commitment to change.
  • This is ALL about his individual preparation and “what he brings with him” to the coupleship interaction—
    • PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!—Journaling, opening up to his outside support system, simple daily human interactions, conversations with his Higher Power
    • Making deposits to the Relationship Trust Account is SUPER important–and keeping her actively “informed” about your recovery progress, recovery insights, deep thoughts, feelings, etc. 
    • Start with “structure” and “expectations”—Daily Couples Check-in; weekly Partnership Meeting; may need to start with written communication or adhere to a “script”--(which may be hard for the partner!)
    • This is NOT easy, but the addict gets to decide IF he will do the consistent WORK to progressively develop and practice the skills—NO MORE EXCUSES!
• What is the betrayed partner’s “side of the street” in this situation?
  • She has AUTHENTIC wants and needs in this relationship! 
    • She needs to take time to clearly identify and write down what these are, including her vision of how she desires this relationship to progress.
    • She needs to create boundaries of safety around her wants and needs along with outcomes/consequences
    • It is VERY important that she CLEARLY communicates her deep feelings—like the song we started with . . . 
• Will we ever become true friends and partners???
  • What does it mean to “be true friends & partners"? 
  • What is INTIMACY?
  • What is CONNECTION?
  • ARE WE COMPATIBLE???   

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  pbsepod