My Kids' Birth Unlocked My Childhood Trauma: NICK RAEBURN

I chat to Nick Raeburn, aka 'That Social Nerd'. Nick came to my attention in a very brave and raw LinkedIn post, where he talked about the huge flood of emotion he experienced in becoming a dad. Prior to having children, Nick had never cried - a result of the awful abuse he suffered as a child. This is a very emotional and deeply profound conversation; I don't think I've cried as much - or laughed as much - during an interview!

*TRIGGER WARNING: *Brief (but not graphic) early mention of Child Abuse, discussion of Trauma*

IN THIS EPISODE WE DISCUSS:

[00:00] Teaser quote.

[02:46] Introduction to Nick.

[03:42] How the birth of his daughter was the catalyst to unlocking his emotions.

[04:41] How Nick was helped through therapy and E.M.D.R. (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing).

[05:28] Lack of support during his childhood. Catharsis from expressing how he feels on social media.

[07:02] How the pandemic has affected attitudes to life and mental health.

[08:12] How Nick had buried the painful experiences of his childhood.

[09:28] Approaching fatherhood. The differences in the birth of his first and second child.

[12:46] Meeting his daughter for the first time. The importance of emotional intelligence.

[16:06] The unrelenting horror of sleep deprivation!

[21:54] The early days of having his newborn daughter at home.

[23:29] Feelings of anger, resulting from Nick's adverse childhood experiences.

[27:50] Owning his story and reclaiming his power.

[29:20] Fatherhood and masculinity. Discovering 'A Band of Brothers'. Mentorship.

[35:27] Recovery, including the E.M.D.R. therapy and mentoring other young men.

[43:00] How Nick has changed from the man his wife originally married.

[45:21] The importance of fathers engaging with their children - the 'First 1001 Days'.

[48:10] Nick's hopes for his son, going forward.

[50:06] Advice for those who have experienced abuse, but have never talked about it.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

1. Click here for more information on E.M.D.R., known as Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing.
2. Link to Rosey's website, 'PND and Me', founder of the #PND hour on Twitter.
3. Listen to the Blue MumDays episode 'When Birth Leads to Trauma' with Dr Rebecca Moore. Find out more about charity 'Make Birth Better' here, Rebecca’s organisation for supporting parents and healthcare professionals suffering from birth trauma or vicarious trauma.
4. Read more on the book 'The Body Keeps The Score' by Bessel Van Der Kolk, “mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma”.
5. This 'Loving Kindness Meditation' will help you relax, reset and recharge. It’s only 15 minutes long and you don’t have to meditate - just close your eyes and listen. There’s no pressure to do anything, but it might just help you to relax. (Thank you to Poonam Dhuffer of YSM8 for creating this specially for Blue MumDays.)
6. Learn more about award-winning charity 'A Band of Brothers' by clicking on the link. They helped Nick enormously and now he mentors others through it. Its aim is to help young men grow and develop, improving their lives and that of the communities they live in.
7. Further support for fathers can be found here: Fathers Reaching Out, Music Football Fatherhood, PMH Support, Dope Black Dads and Dad Matters.
8. LISTEN: Blue MumDays S1 Ep 3 Elliott Rae on PTSD in Fathers.
9. LISTEN: Blue MumDays S1 Ep 8 The Daddy Blues with Mark Williams and S1 Ep 9 Mark Williams part 2 on PND in Fathers.
10. LISTEN: Blue MumDays S1 Ep 18 Dr Andrew Mayers discusses PND in dads.
11. Learn more about the 'First 1001 Days' campaign by clicking this link. The Parent Infant Foundation state that “the first 1001 days include pregnancy and the first two years of a child’s life. There is clear, compelling evidence that this is a significant and influential phase in development.”
12. Click here for NHS guidance on P.T.S.D. (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). There are some good support networks listed there too.
13. PTSD UK are a UK charity dedicated to raising awareness of post-traumatic stress disorder, no matter the trauma that caused it.

If you enjoyed this episode, please share, rate and subscribe. It really does make the difference in helping others find it – which means helping more parents in need.

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NEXT EPISODE:

Next time I speak to Laura Bisbey, who was diagnosed with perinatal distress and anxiety during her pregnancy. This sadly continued following the birth of her daughter. Laura tells me about her feelings of rage during the pregnancy, and - once her daughter had been born - her struggles with bonding and the onset of O.C.D. (obsessive compulsive disorder). It's a tremendously brave conversation and I am so grateful to Laura for sharing her story with us.

SUPPORT:

*FOR SUPPORT SPECIFIC TO THIS EPISODE, PLEASE SEE THE KEY TAKEAWAYS*

If you are struggling right now, please know that it’s okay to talk and reach out for help. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND WILL NOT FEEL THIS WAY FOR EVER. 

We hope these support services are helpful (please note we do not check or monitor them individually).

Action on Postpartum Psychosis (APP)

Moderated Forum, click here to find out more.

Email: app@app-network.org / Tel: 020 3322 9900

The ADHD Foundation - the neurodiversity charity

Call us - 0151 541 9020 / Email - info@adhdfoundation.org.uk

AIMS for better birthing.

Email: helpline@aims.org.uk

This email will go to a group of AIMS volunteers and someone will respond as soon as possible. / Telephone: +44 (0) 300 365 0663 (leave message)

Andy's Man Club

A non-judgemental talking group for men

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/club-information/clubs/ info@andysmanclub.co.uk

Association of Postnatal Illness

Helpline: 10am – 2pm – 0207 386 0868 / Email: info@apni.org (Live chat online facility)

Beat Eating Disorders,

The UK's eating disorder charity.

0808 801 0677 / Email: help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk

Best Beginnings

Free NHS-accredited Baby Buddy app offering 24/7 App support for new parents

Bi-Polar UK

email: info@bipolaruk.org

Birth Trauma Association

Email: support@birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

CALM

Contact CALM on their national helpline: 0800 58 58 58 (5pm-midnight)

Cedar House Support Group

Email: lwise@talktalk.net (Liz Wise) / Mobile: 07773 283556

Contact: for families with disabled children

Support, advice and information for parents with disabled children.

• helpline: 0808 808 3555
• website: