The Great Pardon: Why Joe Biden Should Let Everyone Out of Black Gate Prisons

This satirical piece argues that President Biden's pardon of his son, Hunter, highlights the inherent unfairness of the U.S. justice system. The author uses the metaphor of a board game to illustrate how the wealthy and powerful escape consequences while the average person remains trapped. The central point is that if Hunter Biden received a pardon, then everyone unjustly imprisoned should also receive one. The piece advocates for a mass pardon as a solution to systemic inequality, ending on a sarcastic note about the unlikelihood of such an event. Ultimately, it critiques the double standard of justice based on wealth and power.

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The Great Pardon: Why Joe Biden Should Let Everyone Out of Black Gate Prisons

Ah, the game of life. It's like Monopoly, except instead of getting a "Get Out of Jail Free" card, you're stuck paying rent every month for a property you can't even afford. And speaking of being stuck, let's talk about Joe Biden and his son, Hunter. Now, I don’t want to be that guy, but if the entire United States of America was a giant board game, it would be called "Life: The Game of Injustice, Mistakes, and Poorly Written Rules."

In case you missed it, President Joe Biden recently granted his son, Hunter Biden, a free pass. Not a figurative one, like the ones we hand out to people we feel sorry for at family reunions, but an actual, real-life "Get Out of Jail Free" card. Yup, Hunter, who has made more headlines than a pop star with a reality show, got the golden ticket. A pardon, my friends, signed with the same pen Joe Biden uses to write off his regrets about the '90s.

Now, let me make something clear: I’m not here to get into the weeds of Hunter's situation or the state of his (and possibly the nation's) affairs. That's not the point. The point is: if we’re gonna play this game called life, I’d like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card too. And I’m not talking about metaphorical jail like “I was stuck in traffic for 45 minutes” or “I have to listen to my uncle's political rants at Thanksgiving.” I’m talking about the kind of jail that involves Black Gate Prisons—the metaphorical ones where all the “average citizens” like me get sent when we’re too poor to hire good lawyers or bribe anyone with a steak dinner.

You see, in America, the average Joe (no pun intended) doesn’t have a dad in the Oval Office, ready to swing a magical executive pen and erase his mistakes with the flourish of a politician who’s never had to fill out a parking ticket. No, we average folks get stuck in real jails. You know, the ones where the Wi-Fi doesn’t work and the TV only shows infomercials for cleaning products. But not Hunter. Oh no, Hunter gets the VIP treatment. He gets a ticket out of life's prison with a presidential pardon. Let’s be honest, at this point, I'm just waiting for Biden to come on TV, announce that he’s releasing everyone from Black Gate Prisons, and then maybe get us all a free iced coffee while he's at it. Because, hey, why not?

Let's break it down: If Hunter gets to leave the metaphorical "prison" of his poor life choices with a pardon, then maybe the rest of us should get the same deal. But we don't. Oh, no, we stay stuck in the game of life, looking up at the ultra-wealthy and powerful with that same bewildered expression you get when you land on Boardwalk with a hotel on it—like, wait, what just happened? I don't even have enough for the bus fare home, and yet here I am, being told the rules don’t apply to me the same way they do to people who can afford a private jet and a really questionable tattoo.

Hunter Biden's "Get Out of Jail Free" card doesn’t just make you scratch your head; it makes you wonder why the rest of us aren't allowed the same privilege. Let’s face it, the entire judicial system sometimes feels like it’s more rigged than a carnival game. When you're rich and f

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