Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The Irish Times
  • 4.8 (35)
  • COMEDY
  • UPDATED WEEKLY
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

  1. 1 DAY AGO

    ‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’

    Sorcha rings me and there’s an air of, like, panic in her voice? She goes, “Ross, where are you?” Yeah, no, we’re in Portugal for midterm – along with the rest of south Dublin – and I’m on the road from Quinta do Lago to Vilamoura. Although I don’t tell her that. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    6 min

  2. FEB 14

    ‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’

    Sorcha goes, “This is exciting, isn’t it, Ross?” because – yeah, no – we’re having dinner in Iguazu, a new hipster restaurant on Camden Street, where there’s no actual menu and an algorithm chooses what you’re going to eat based on the answers you provide to 10 questions when you’re booking. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    6 min

  3. FEB 7

    ‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’

    Dalisay says she’s in the pool. I’m like, “The pool?” “Yes,” she goes. “Your mother likes to swim every morning. Would you like to see her?” I’m there, “In a way, no? But I suppose that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? So I suppose – yeah, no – lead the way.” I walk with her from the old dear’s private ward to the actual gym. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    6 min

  4. JAN 31

    When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’

    The Broken Orms is absolutely packed to the rafters for the engagement porty of Tina, the mother of my firstborn, to Tom, her fireman boyfriend, who famously played 300 matches in the All Ireland League, albeit for Bornhall. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    6 min

  5. JAN 24

    The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold

    So – yeah, no – I’m in Dunnes Stores in, like, the Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre, grabbing a few bits for Sorcha, who’s making a special dinner tonight. I dump my items on the checkout belt and make a mental note to find out if it’s her birthday, or our wedding anniversary, when all of a sudden I hear an old woman’s voice go, “Mind if I just go ahead of you there, son?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    6 min

  6. JAN 17

    ‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me

    Honor walks through the arrivals gate with a face as long as a wet weekend in Knock and I take it as read that the week in St Moritz was a bit of a let-down? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    6 min

  7. JAN 10

    ‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’

    It would be an understatement to say that Honor was never the most popular girl growing up. As a matter of fact, on the very rare occasions when she was invited to a porty, Sorcha used to sew cubes of pancetta into the hem of her dress so that at least the family’s dog would play with her. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    6 min

  8. JAN 3

    ‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’

    The old man and Hennessy look a total state in their chef’s uniforms. Yeah, no, they’ve invited us all around to the old pair’s gaff for a New Year’s Eve dinner, a dry run – their words – for when the two of them supposedly buy and then reopen Shanahan’s on the Green. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    6 min
See All (528)

4.8
out of 5
35 Ratings

About

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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