S3 E7 - "Five Challenges and the Danger of 'Easy Wrong Turns' for Stepfamilies" with Patricia Papernow

Today's guest is the amazing Dr. Patricia Papernow!

Dr. Patricia Papernow has taught about “blended families” all over the U.S. and the world, sharing best practices for meeting the often-intense challenges that stepfamilies face.  Dr. Papernow has authored dozens of articles and book chapters on stepfamilies as well as two of the leading books in the field: Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn’t, and, with Karen Bonnell, The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious to Forming a “Blended Family.”

Quotes:

"In a first-time family, kids enter hard-wired for affection for their parents."

"Stepparents enter as an outsider to the family."

Five Challenges for Stepfamilies

1) Stuck insider vs. Stuck outsiders (stepparents are often left out)

2) Kids feel differently about stepfamilies than they do about first families (stepfamily adjustment is harder on kids than the actual divorce)

3) Parenting and stepparenting are different (best parenting style: authoritative parenting by parents)

4) Creating a new family culture when (at least) two cultures already exist involves making something new while respecting both us and them.

5) There IS another parent, living or dead, outside the household

* The worst thing for children isn't divorce or remarriage; it's conflict.

"A lot of stepfamily life is 'learning by goofing.'"

"For kids, as the rate of change goes up, their well-being goes down."

Suggestions:

1) Spend 1:1 time with kids/stepkids (connection before correction)

2) Kids don't want a replacement (via divorce or death), so make space for the parent that is already there

Resources:

Dr. Papernow's website: https://www.stepfamilyrelationships.com/

Dr. Papernow's books (Becoming a Stepfamily, and Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships) : https://www.stepfamilyrelationships.com/

The Stepfamily Handbook (written with Karen Bonnell): https://www.amazon.com/Stepfamily-Handbook-Getting-Serious-Forming/dp/172085520X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+stepfamily+handbook&qid=1647715365&s=books&sprefix=the+stepfmaily%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-1

Stepparenting the Grieving Child by Diane Ingram Fromme https://www.amazon.com/Stepparenting-Grieving-Child-Cultivating-Connections/dp/1939919479