It’s inventive

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy Living in a box under the stairs In the corner of the basement of the house Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop You know the place Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Aww, big bowl of sauerkraut Every single morning It was driving me crazy I said to my mom I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said "It's good for you" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut Until I was twenty six and a half years old That's when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque Albuquerque Oh yeah You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women With excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ah So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It's OK, they're clean Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door Well now, who could that be? I say "Who is it?" No answer "Who is it?" There's no answer "Who is it?" They're not sayin' anything So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I'm right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that" "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me" And he's like "Tough" And I'm like "Give it" And he's like "Make me" And I'm like "'Kay" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said It said "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" In Albuquerque Albuquerque Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?" I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts" I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts" I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts" I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls" I said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters" I said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check" "No, we're outta bear claws" I said "Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?" He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels" I said "OK, I'll take that" So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin' me apart You know, I think it was just about that time That a little ditty started goin' through my head I believe it went a little something like this Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God Ah, aah, aah I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' Like a constipated wiener dog An

I’ve been enjoying this whimsical podcast for years now, and it’s one of the most benevolent and uplifting (not to mention sleep inducing! 😴) shows available to listen to. I love stories, so I’m partial to the “story time” episodes, or the more history-centered “whisperpedia”-style ones. I really appreciate this kind and cozy space in the podcast universe, and highly recommend it for sleep, relaxation…and just plain ol’ fashioned anxiety reduction! 😉

I’ve been listening for just about three years, and can’t recommend this podcast enough. Harris’s content is not only engaging, his delivery is soothing and relaxing. If you’re a supporter, you have access to every episode ever released, which does back as far as 2016. From Whisperpedias to stories, and from Trivia to Chats, each episode is entertaining, and there’s something for just about everyone. Never thought a guy whispering in my ear would help my sleep, but hey, “whatever distracts the squirrels.” UPDATE: Over the last year or so, there’s been a drastic reduction in actual new content on this podcast. It has gone from weekly new episodes: to (it’s November now) not an ACTUAL new episode since June. Instead it’s been a reposting of old episodes (labeled encore or archive episodes) or bonus episodes that were traditionally only available to supporters. Also, the host has branched into new podcasts that aren’t whispered ASMR. It seems like this podcast is taking a back seat to his other ones. I am still supporter and will continue to be for now, but it’s disappointing about the lack of new episodes on this podcast.

Better than ever! I just wish episodes came every week

I fall asleep to early so that’s when you KNOW it’s good

The trivia and Wikipedia ones are my favorite

I Going To Sleep.

I really love this podcast and even was a monthly contributor - all the extra podcasts and bonuses were well worth it, not to mention supporting a kind, fun, very helpful person. However, all the bonuses were taken away without warning and apparently I have to give my personal information to another website and sign up for different things to continue receiving them, which is ridiculous. I'm sorry if Patreon wasn't working out for you but I lost any way to access all the bonuses despite all the time I supported you. And now you are posting promising a 2 hour episode somewhere else but the link just takes you to a website asking you to pay 5$ a month. Not fair, what happened?? UPDATE YAY!!! Everything got fixed, thank you!!! Now I get even MORE awesome episodes and TONS of extra content and you made it super easy! Thank you so much Harris I'm so glad to be a contributor again you make going to sleep so much easier.

I love the content but I don’t understand why a whispered narrator doesn’t have a microphone that prevents the constant loud popping and hiss of every consonant. Very distracting - but perhaps intentional? Maybe it’s an AMSR thing, but it keeps jarring me back awake.