The Art of A.R.E. with Dr. Debi Gilmore Marriaging: The Marriage Podcast with Jessica Fairfax

You’ll learn the most important steps for creating a secure relationship with your partner in this episode. Dr. Debi Gilmore, a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist and Supervisor, shares about her work with couples. She gives us 3 specific core values to bring connection and secure attachment to a relationship.
 
The main points of A.R.E. and Attachment:
Attachment is the foundation of a relationship. Couples need this secure bond to create a lasting relationship.
A.R.E gives us the steps to achieving a secure bond with our partner. It is the way to truly nourish and grow a relationship.
 
What is A.R.E.?
A: Accessibility
Is your partner there for you? Can you get their attention? Are they accessible and available to you? Accessibility is the feeling you have of your partner being available to you. Time and consistency give us the security in knowing our partner has been there and will be there for us. Building the track record of accessibility starts with being consistently there for each other over time. If you try to talk with your partner, but they’re on their phone (or distracted by something else) and not looking at you, that’s not true presence. True presence, true accessibility is removing a distraction and being there for your partner in that moment. Accessibility answers the question of “Are you there for me, and will you be there for me?”  
R: Responsiveness
Does your partner respond when you access them? When they respond, does it tell you they’re interested in your concerns and they care about what you’re sharing? Responsiveness says “I am here in your presence and ready to hold the message you’re sending.” It says “I see you suffer and that’s why I’m here for you” or “I see your excitement and joy and I’m here for that too.”  
E: Engagement
Engagement is the next step in creating a secure relationship. Engagement says “I’m not only interested, but I actually want to know more. Help me understand.” Being engaged is about saying “help me understand”, about you being interested and wanting to know more about your partner’s experience. This is where we find the difference between empathy and sympathy. Engagement allows you to sit in your partner’s experience with them. It tells your partner that you will remain in that moment and be there for them as long as they need.  
How can couples build empathy and learn how to engage in their partner’s experience, even when it might be uncomfortable?
Eye contact. Look into your partner’s eyes. Our mirror neurons register the other person’s experience and allow us to feel the other person’s emotions. Be willing and open to engage through this eye contact, to allow yourself to feel your partner’s feelings. Connect face to face with that person. It’s important to put away distractions sometimes and have conversations face to face. Don’t jump to the “fix.” Immediately solving the problem is not empathy. It’s more powerful and healing to ask what the moment, the experience, was like for your partner. It might be challenging for you, but it’s ok to tell your partner “This is hard for me, and I’m really trying to engage.”  
How you can put A.R.E. into practice every day to strengthen your secure connection with your partner:
Remember, A.R.E. can instantly change a relationship. Then applied over time, it creates security. Remember, meekness is not weakness. I know you and your partner are busy, but give yourselves the few minutes every day to de-stress together. Allow each other to vent out the stress from the day and practice being there for each other. Take 10 minutes to let yourself dump stress and practice A.R.E. Remember, when practicing the core steps of A.R.E.: Practice makes perfect, but perfect isn’t expected.  
Why is a secure attachment in your relationship important for you?
Attachment is of course beneficial for creating a lasting connection with your p