The Point of the Matter Stasha Boyd / Cheryl Stuller

Holy cow, ladies. 2021 is coming to a close and (lordy be!) have we been on a learning curve of epic proportions this past year. Not just starting this podcast, but about life, work, friendship, family, mental health, boundaries, communication and ALL the things.

In this, our last episode of 2021, we’re looking back at what we got right, and maybe a little of what we might have gotten wrong, so we can look forward to what’s next.

So, grab a spiked hot chocolate or a sparkling, bubbly spritzer and join us as we glance in the review mirror before we stomp our high-heeled feet down on the accelerator and roar into 2022.

Cheryl’s Sparkling Pomegranate Cocktail
 1 ½ cup pomegranate juice1 bottle sparkling wine, I like ProseccoMulled raspberry’s as garnish  
Stasha’s Peppermint Chocolat Choad with Chocolate Liqueur 
 Whole Milk (I use Publix lactose free organic)2 TBSP Petite Maison’s Peppermint Chocolat Chaud1 Oz Godiva Dark Chocolate Liqueur Heat milk on stovetop, NOT in the microwave.
Put 2 TBSP Chocolate Chaud in a mug then add a small amount of heated milk. Stir until all powder is emulsified. Add remaining hot milk. Stir. Add chocolate liqueur. Stir.

OUR NOTES FOR THIS EPISODE

CHERYL’S DISCUSSION NOTES 
 I’ve learned more about myself and how to change my interactions with others.I’ve learned more about mental health, relationship, and prioritizing myself.I’ve learned more about podcasts and social media.I’ve learned more about my friendship with Stasha and how my actions impacted that friendship.I’ve had to revisit my childhood and examine how I grew up and choices I made and why.I’ve grown stronger as Cheryl and in standing up for myself in my marriage.STASHA’S DISCUSSION NOTES
Creating a podcast: production (easy), promote, market (not so easy), monetize (not started) BECAUSE:There’s a LOT to learn, especially at our age (THANK YOU Steve Dotto!)https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9BqPtCcSyHvQsbl2rumM4w https://dottotech.com/ You HAVE to learn. You have to DECIDE you WANT to learn. You have to agree that you WILL learn. You HAVE to get over any fear or hesitancy about learning NEW THINGS.Priorities: Not just me, but EVERYONE involved, especially any partnersCovid’s impact on our business: Forced pause. Forced reset. I determined that I don’t want to keep doing what I was doing the way I was doing it. Mike’s reset. He is returning to something very important to him.Covid’s impact on our lives:I am a people person (not exactly news) AND I want to spend my time with people who are like me. Growing, enthusiastic, excited to learn, (Friendship episode: I missed the rich tapestry of acquaintances, local friends, good friends, etc.) I have something very valuable to share with people. Now have to focus and decide how to best move forward.

Have you ever sat at a 4-way stop with folks who can't figure out who goes next? Have you played a game with someone who doesn't, or worse, won't learn the rules? Have you witnessed the chaos and rage that happens when people didn't know, or refuse to follow, the simple rules of standing in line to check out at a store or enter a concert venue? ⁠
Maddening madness. Anarchy. Mayhem. ⁠
All of which is avoided when everyone knows the rules and follows them.⁠
And that's all etiquette is, folks. A simple, agreed-upon set of rules and guidelines that keep everyone on an even keel, knowing what to do and when.⁠
"But, but don't these rules make the stressful holiday season harder?" No, the same way the rules of 4-way stops and roundabouts make them better than everyone just deciding when they want to go makes driving harder.⁠
 "Why can't I just do what I want?!" Because other people exist, that's why. Because they have to plan too. It's the same reason you don't get to make up all the rules for Monopoly while you're playing the game. Some rules may make it harder, but all the players know what they are. ⁠
Knowing holiday etiquette makes your life easier, not harder. Following holiday etiquette makes other people's lives easier, not harder. It adds peace to what can be a chaotic time of year.⁠
And isn't that part of what the season of love, joy, and giving is all about? Give the gift of peace, both to yourself and to everyone else.

You can’t scroll for half a hot second and not see some pithy plea to practice gratitude. Usually, this type of thing makes us a bit nuts but this is perhaps the only exception to that rule. 

Gratitude IS the bomb-diggity. It is the shizzle. The juice. And it's because it works.  

Grateful to, grateful for, grateful because, grateful in spite of, whatever you choose, it doesn’t matter. Because as soon as you think it, say it or write it, your life—including your health and your relationships—instantly gets better. 

Whether it's your life, your kids, your spouse, your pets, your time, your home, your family, your whatever, developing the skill to think of those things—especially in those moments when they might not be at their best—is one of the best mental habits you can create. 

So, sit back, grab a glass of something yummy, and soak in a conversation about all the wonderful whys and ways to up your gratitude game.   

If you thought Halloween’s episode about fear was scary, you aren’t ready for the Holidays. 
Grandma/Mimi/Nana in the kitchen: Well, if YOU prefer a DRY turkey, fine! Brother/Sister/Cousin at the supper table: Yeah, remember that time you [insert embarrassing made-up b******t here]. Crazy Uncle Joe watching the game/parade: pro/anti-mask rant on repeat. Loopy Aunt Lucy over coffee and dessert: you push your kids too hard/not enough. Spouse/Kids on the drive home: I am NOT doing that again next year. 
Navigating irritating, awkward, unwanted conversations—whether at the holidays (Stasha) or on any day (Cheryl)—takes skill and prep. Stasha shares her go-to phrase (see below in the notes) to stop, pause, or pour-the-gas on anyone who insists on pushing her buttons. Cheryl goes deep on habits she’s working on to up her communication game. 
But the most important thing to know is this episode isn’t about political or controversial views, or any views really. It’s about how to HAVE views, TALK about them, and keep your integrity, sanity, and relationships intact.
So grab a calming beverage—hot toddy anyone?—and enjoy an easy conversation about hard topics.

Cheryl’s Cocktail
 Red Raspberry Cocktail1.5 Raspberry infused vodkaFresh Lemon Sour or Lime1 oz. ProsecoTop off with water  Stasha’s Mocktail
 Kombucha and sparkling water

RESOURCES AND NOTES FROM THE SHOW

7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Habit 1: Focus and act on what you can control or influence instead of what you can’t.Habit 3: Put First Things First (Prioritize the relationship if it’s an important relationship.) Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be UnderstoodHow To Debate Politics Without Being a Complete Jerk, by Mitchell Labiak

9 Tips for talking about politics without ruining relationships, by Jerry V Walker III, PhD, Psychology

Stasha’s go-to phrases for any contentious or difficult topic someone brings up. 
 Embrace and PRACTICE the three versions of this phrase:
 “Let me stop/pause you right there……”
 I’m having a great time and really don’t want to talk about [this issue] today. Perhaps another time?  Just to let you know, I’m happy to have a conversation about [this issue] but not an argument. If it starts to overheat, I’m going to stop talking, smile, then get up and walk away.Just so you are aware, I’m in the MOOD to get into [this issue] today. If you want to keep going, I’m TOTALLY down with it, but you should know that I am not going to stop. 

Ladies, there’s a lot of bullsh*t in this world and a lot of that bullsh*t has some new names. Whatever it’s called, it’s emotionally manipulative AND it’s effin’ bullsh*t. More importantly, being on the receiving end of this BS can make you question your sanity, your judgement, and your relationships. 

In this episode, we want to know what the hell is the difference between “ghosting” and “caspering”? Who the hell came up with “negging” and what are they trying to achieve? Where the hell are these supposed “breadcrumbs” supposed to lead? 
But the most important question, dear WarriorQueens, isn’t “Why would some asshole do this to me?” It’s “How quickly am I going to recognize this BS as BS and scrape it (and the assh*le that put it there) off my high-heeled shoe?” 
So, grab a glass of something ice-cold, ladies. We’re delving deep into this emotionally toxic BS so you never have to again.   

Cheryl's drink this eve:

Sticking with iced tea tonight.

Stasha's mocktail tonight:

Grapefruit juice and grapefruit sparkling water in a fancy glass.

Episode notes and links:

Beadcrumbing:  Giving a person just enough info to keep them hanging on, hoping a relationship exists. Could be romantic or a friend. 
 Negging: Saying insulting or otherwise negative things to a person to affect their self-esteem or to make them defend themselves. Can escalate into very abusive behavior, often an early warning sign of an abusive, toxic person or relationship
 
Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.
 Submarining: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened. 
 Caspering: Rather than simply ignore your texts, the Casper will respond to your text 12 hours later with a vague but friendly reply. Instead of not replying to an invitation to hang out, the Casper will hint that they're interested, without any intention of following through. 
 Catfishing: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online. 
 Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others. 
 Fleabagging: consistently dating people that are wrong for you. 

Halloween is coming up this weekend and everyone is getting excited about getting scared! Woo hoo! That’s the fun type of chest-pounding, horror-movie watching, jump-out-of-your-skin terror that we can TOTALLY get behind. What we can’t (and absolutely WON’T) get behind is the never-ending fearmongering that many women—and girls—live with every single day. 
Is “That’s so scary!” part of your daily vocabulary? Do you say, “I’m so afraid of [something that is happening out in the world] right now,” when you aren’t actually in a life-threatening situation at that moment? Has fear of the unknown stopped you from doing something you want to try or know you need to do?  If so, this episode is for you! 
So, grab a spooktacular libation and your favorite woobie, then get ready to get rid of gettin’ scared.

Cheryl’s cocktail: Ultimate Margarita
·         Milagro Tequila 1.5 oz
·         Cointreau 1 oz
·         Grand Marnier .5 oz
·         .5 oz fresh lime juice
Add tequila, Cointreau and Grand Marnier, and lime juice to a shaker, fill with ice. Shake will. 
(FYI--Cheryl doesn’t eat salt, so for those who do and like a salt-rimmed glass, pour coarse kosher salt onto a small plate. Rub a lime wedge around the rim of the glass. Dip the rim into the salt.) 
Pour over ice.
Garnish with a lime wedge
 
 Stasha’s mocktail: Sparkling water with lime 
(We had a VERY social weekend so decided to keep it alcohol free tonight.)
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN TONIGHT'S EPISODE

Why Do We Teach Girls That It’s Cute to Be Scared?, By Caroline Paul
Women are encouraged from childhood that they should be scared. “Aren’t you scared? Wasn’t that scary?”
Boys/men are encouraged to NOT be scared.Women and especially girls should not only be encouraged to take risks, it’s time to STOP constantly telling women (and girls) that their natural state is to be afraid. Women especially have been coached, trained, immersed in fear-based language and it weakens their ability to make good choices, decisions, etc. Emotional Addiction, Dr. Mark Steinberg
People can become addicted to an emotional state, usually a negative one, such as fear or anger.Emotional addicts “feel, react, justify.” Main points from Stasha
Watch out for how you talk to yourself and others, especially girlsChange your words and thoughts to courage- and curiosity-based languageMinor pain and inconveniences are nothing to be “scared” ofYou should also train yourself to not be afraid of major events that DO NOT PERSONALLY THREATEN YOU. (Anger, resolute, determination, etc., are fine provided they spur corrective action.)“Feel, think, speak, act” cycle. When people continually repeat and verbalize fear (or anger) based words, they are already 3/4s to action, and actions based on fear (or anger) are rarely rational.